W’s uncle will have a birthday dinner tonight with W’s side of the family. He is a nice man. He’s knows of my sitch and he’s inviting me over later. I said I will come. I notified W of this so that she won’t be caught by surprise by my sudden appearance there.
I plan to be cordial with W later, but also will try to minimize our interactions. I can tell I am still not fully detach and still harbour some resentment. I do not want that resentment to manifests itself in my behaviour towards W. No interaction is better than bad interaction right?
Any other advice about code of conduct around W? or maybe a few words of wisdom to set my mind in the right frame (i.e. minimizing sadness and resentment)?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
W’s uncle will have a birthday dinner tonight with W’s side of the family. He is a nice man. He’s knows of my sitch and he’s inviting me over later. I said I will come. I notified W of this so that she won’t be caught by surprise by my sudden appearance there.
I plan to be cordial with W later, but also will try to minimize our interactions. I can tell I am still not fully detach and still harbour some resentment. I do not want that resentment to manifests itself in my behaviour towards W. No interaction is better than bad interaction right?
Any other advice about code of conduct around W? or maybe a few words of wisdom to set my mind in the right frame (i.e. minimizing sadness and resentment)?
I see a lot of rationalization for accepting this "nice man's" invitation. My guess is that your intentions here are not all pure. This is her family. And if you want to minimize interaction then I would suggest calling her uncle and saying: "Happy birthday! Unfortunatly, I cannot make it tonight. I have plans, but wanted to let you know I appreciate you and the invitation."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would suggest calling her uncle and saying: "Happy birthday! Unfortunately, I cannot make it tonight. I have plans, but wanted to let you know I appreciate you and the invitation."
^^^^This is how to DB^^^^
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I appreciate everyone's advice here in this forum, but I decided to go to the dinner...
Because of several things (1) The uncle was nice enough to invite me over even though he doesn't have to, it didn't feel appropriate to turn him down (2) Despite the sitch, we're married, W family is now my family too, there is a part of me that misses them and want to spend time with them (3) I didn't want W to see me as a man that rejects family time, I didn't want her to add that to the list of things that is 'wrong' with me.
Frankly, I'm glad I came. I had a nice time overall with W's family. They were warm towards me and were sympathetic to my sitch. They hoped that W and I would R again (of course, they didn't say that in front of W though, she would be angry if she knew). I was feeling down the whole week. Knowing there are people on her side that is supporting me gives me hope.
W didn't seemed to mind I was there. She understood that despite our sitch, we would still have to be present during family gatherings. Earlier during the separation she mentioned that she would still want to see my parents and she'd allow me to see her parents. We both do not want to jeopardize the relationships we have built with family members.
That evening I managed to keep my distance from W. Didn't interact with her other than "Hello" when I arrived and "I am going now" when I left. I reminded myself that I was only there to spend time with the Uncle and her family, not for her sake.
MIL also invited me to several other family gatherings next month: W's niece birthday, W's cousin wedding. I said I will try to come but no promises. I have a social obligation to attend these events but I know proper DB-ing means I shouldn't.
I want to DB properly, but I do not want to strain family relations, is there a balance to this? Or is this a mistake?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
It is a mistake. This was pressure and pursuit, whether you want to face that or not. If her family wants your guys to R, then trust me, she knows and feels that, and you being there further exacerbated that. You keep talking about "not wanting to strain family relations" and wanting to keep a connection with her family.
When you get D'd (and these kinds of decisions, no matter how you justify them will get you there faster) will mean you have NO connection and relation to these people. Trust me on that. Blood is thicker than water. They will not invite you to things once her decision to D becomes final. You marry a person's family, but you also D from their family.
DBing isn't a balance. It is a set of principles. GAL. 180s. Detachment. You certainly failed on GAL and detachment with this decision to attend a family get-together for HER family. GAL would have been that you were too busy to attend HER family's get-together. And it showed that you are still attached to her and her family.
My guess is she was not pleased with your attendance......no matter WHAT she said during your sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you had another woman giving you unwanted attention and you asked he not to, but she kept pursuing you, how would you feel? What of she kept showing up at events you were attending?
Don't be that way with your W. It is unattractive. Respect what she has asked you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It is a mistake. This was pressure and pursuit, whether you want to face that or not. If her family wants your guys to R, then trust me, she knows and feels that, and you being there further exacerbated that. You keep talking about "not wanting to strain family relations" and wanting to keep a connection with her family.
When you get D'd (and these kinds of decisions, no matter how you justify them will get you there faster) will mean you have NO connection and relation to these people. Trust me on that. Blood is thicker than water. They will not invite you to things once her decision to D becomes final. You marry a person's family, but you also D from their family.
DBing isn't a balance. It is a set of principles. GAL. 180s. Detachment. You certainly failed on GAL and detachment with this decision to attend a family get-together for HER family. GAL would have been that you were too busy to attend HER family's get-together. And it showed that you are still attached to her and her family.
My guess is she was not pleased with your attendance......no matter WHAT she said during your sitch.
^^^Agree 100% with all of this.^^^ This was a big setback in your DB'ing. Now pick yourself up, learn from it and keep moving forward. Her family is her family, not yours. No matter how close you think you are to them and how wrong you think her actions are, they will "side" with her, guaranteed.
