Hi, PLC! I do understand, and it’s nice to note these small thaws and important to just enjoy them and not have expectations. It sounds like you’re doing that beautifully! After actually eating something I made last week, I’m feeling like my H is starting to withdraw again, and I’ve had to get my expectations back to zero after dealing with nice H for what felt like a long time. Maybe I’m wrong about the withdrawing starting again, but the lesson is I need to work at staying at 0. Doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate good interactions when they happen!
I totally understand what you mean, Cardinal. A couple of weeks ago, I was so thrilled we had a decent conversation, when he withdrew again I was crushed. I had my pity party of one, then I figured back to GAL. It helps me get out of my head. This is such a crazy journey! Here’s to appreciating the little things.
Therapy for me today. It is been something that I look forward to. My therapist is onboard with helping me navigate this situation, and stands with me in standing for my marriage. I spoke about the little thawed moments I have been experiencing lately. She is very effective in helping me to dissect and not get overly excited. So with this all being said, I am sad tonight. I just feel that this is so daunting. I am not unaware of the fact that since the BD in May, there has been a lot of positives, especially since the beginning of the year. My therapist says I need to continue with GAL and to practice patience. It’s just so frustrating! I know today I can quit the R and file, and sometimes I fantasize how that might go. I don’t want that at all, but sometimes I feel that that would be the only way to have H pay attention. I know that is stupid, but sometimes it makes me feel in control. Every day I remind myself that I am one day closer to this being over. Today for whatever reason that is hard to do. I feel like I am almost as confused as my H. He responds politely to me, there is no outward evidence that there is a new OW, and as I have mentioned, he has actually brought home dinner to share. Every time he has these little moments, he retreats for a day or two. I don’t push and I try to not react. I know this can take a long time and patience is key. Does anyone or has anyone else experienced this?
HELP- The thaw that had begun to observe has seemed to chill back up. My H had recently been a little bit open to at least talking non issue items, (tv shows, our pets) and in the last few weeks has purchased food to share with me and even ate a take out meal in the same room as me on Valentine’s Day. In my DBing, I made sure I was not going to get complacent, and I have not been home Tues, weds or Thursday in the evening. As the week has gone on, I think he has just been hanging out at home in the other bedroom. I have tried to have a little chit chat when the opportunity was there, but today I really feel that the thaw is frozen over. I get the vibe to leave him alone, yet he is being nice the the pets whereas when this journey began he didn’t act like he cared about them at all. I do not expect that one day he will magically snap out of this, and I don’t necessarily think he wants to live somewhere else since he said he didn’t want to be married last May and has since been here and has never made any more statements about leaving has not attempted to move or even crash at a friends or relatives home. All I have done is live here for me-i am trying to detach and do my own thing. Of course, not wanting him to leave the marriage, I just GAL for the most part and leave him alone. I know there is no timetable and I also know that this situation may be mild compared to others, but it is hurting me. Does anyone have an ideas?
Treat him as you would a roommate. He's given you a vibe of wanting you to leave him alone. He's acting like a teenager in his behavior, so give him what he wants...alone time and plenty of it. Don't attempt to chat him up. Just leave him be. If he comes to you to chat, listen and validate. Don't offer up any suggestions/advice unless he asks for it. Go out and live your life, go to a movie, museum, play or just out for coffee. You don't have to explain yourself to him unless you feel the need in case of an emergency, otherwise, roommate status is what he has earned for now.
It's a marathon, not a sprint and this road has a lot of ruts and swerves along the way.
Continue living your life to the fullest. Keep the focus on you.
But I do want to point out one thing, if he should up and decide he wants to leave the marriage, it won't be because of what you have or have not done. It will because of the issues he is dealing w/inside of himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Job- One question, my family has no idea, really none. I have preferred to keep this between the H and me. At Christmas he was good ole H and no one was the wiser. This weekend family is again going to get together for some recent birthdays. I want to include him, do I? He is invited.
Hi, PLC. I needed to read job's post here too. I experienced many ups and downs in the first six months with H--some days he'd seem more open, others very cold, and that at least was predictable. It's funny how we know them so well, we can sense the slightest shift in them. Let's both keep in mind what job says, there are lots of ruts and swerves on this journey, and this is just another one. It has a lot more to do with what they are going through than any thing we did or didn't do. In the meantime, we can stay steady and keep giving them space. I agree with your earlier post--it can be hard not to want to share things you've learned or done with them. I wish H would share parts of his life with me, too. Share what you learn here, and it can help.
As for the weekend get together, if you feel like you need to let him know he's invited, you could do just that without having any expectation he will show interest or go. Maybe something like, "Hey H, I'll be at the family get-together this weekend and just wanted to let you know you're welcome too."
Hi Cardinal- Well, I posed my question about the birthdays this weekend to my therapist, and she suggested I tell him what and where it was going to be and end the comment with “I’d really like it if you came” not giving a yes or no question, just suggesting what I wanted. He incredibly nodded his head. I still didn’t know if that head nod was an acknowledgement he heard me or a yes he’d go. I didn’t ask. This morning, he announced where he was going,came home and asked what time WE needed to be there, then we went together in the car. We had a nice time with family and I even asked if he would like to drive my car home. He did. I know that is enough for today and I have detached from him even though it was such an enjoyable day that I would love to double down and ask him to go somewhere. I need to practice my patience and also let him see I am not on top of him to do things since I have GAL more since this happened. Just wanted to give a positive update.
Any comments appreciated: So yesterday, while I was at work H called me for his iTunes password. I have it written down at home and told him I’d look it up when I got home. He was home when I came in I told him I’d look it up. I did, and waited until he came and asked me. I’d normally get the code and go tell him immediately. I am hoping to be a mystery.
Last night, my gym had a anniversary party. They had dinner and drinks for members. I went, had a great time and got home around 9:00. He was in bed in the other room.
Today, I work from home. He came home for a break in the morning and proceeded to let me know he was taking a shower, that he was headed back to work and was working late. I just said ok.
So now to where I need comments. This afternoon he called me ( this man has not called me on my cell for nine months, now two days in a row??) so he called to tell me he was going to see his mom tomorrow. She lives four hours away. I asked if he was going to stay over, he said yes, then asked if I wanted to go. I said no. I love his mom, but I just visited her last month alone and at Christmas he didn’t go at all when my daughter and I did. I told him, I’ve seen her recently, and I’m sure his mom wouldn’t like some time with him alone. This is something I have dreamed of, but I am not going to drop everything because he asked me. I am trying to GAL. Why do I feel so bad for saying no?
