Baby steps! Soon you won’t even bother wondering whether he’s noticing or not. You live your life for you, and like a stray dog he might eventually come back if he still thinks of your home as home.
He thinks it is ok, so he continues that behavior. It sounds dumb, but this situation, has been he is home and in the bedroom with the door closed. I know where he is and I can continue my GAL and he’s home. It is less anxiety inducing. This is coming from someone who had no idea what he was doing for the three months he was out of the country. When he returned, it was apparent that he was not going to do anything here. So now that it seems as if the OW is over, I am just wondering when the next one will come along and what it will be like.
Any insight? Why am I like this?
What I am trying to get you to see is that what he thinks or doesn't think doesn't matter. What you say or don't say doesn't matter. The fact that he is out all night is what matters!
Imagine if, on a morning he was out all night that he returns home the next day and the locks are changed. Notice, you didn't say a thing because that doesn't matter. He stays out all night, you change the locks. Message sent.
(BTW, do not do something like this without first consulting a lawyer for legality.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just in my feelings tonight. I had a minor thaw with my MLC H in the last few weeks. Where he was always super avoiding me, he had begun when he came home actually walking into the kitchen and if I was in the room, he would say hello. The snake eyes he had before are gone and he is actually interacting with the dogs. Since this has been since May, I was encouraged that this thaw was in the right direction.
Monday, we actually had a discussion about income taxes and he was actually attentive. I think I got too excited that maybe he’d talk more or eat meals with me. He has gone back to barely acknowledging me and just coming home and going to sleep in the other room.
I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, but does anyone else deal with a MLC spouse who won’t eat with them ever? Some of his behavior is really cruel, which sounds ridiculous when he had an OW who was the same age as our D almost. But regardless of that, being ignored is extremely hard. I am GALing, but sometimes I just want to relax at home. Or if I am out GAL, sometimes he would have no idea since he will periodically stay away for a long time. I still benefit from being out, but I can’t help but wonder if he even notices.
My H never eats with me. Just after BD he did for a bit, but we haven't shared a meal in a very long time, and we used to love cooking and eating together. It was really hard at first, but I don't think about it as much anymore, even though I do miss sharing meals together. Like your H, mine has been thawing a bit in the last month. I still don't expect him to eat with me or even eat anything I make. That is one expectation I have managed to leave behind!
If you want to relax at home, relax at home! I know it's easier said than done. Don't let his whereabouts or mood if he's in the house stop you from doing what you want. GAL can also be doing things you want to do around the house! I used to also think, well, I'm out GAL and H doesn't even know because he's gone all the time. It started to sink in that I shouldn't be doing it to get a reaction from him. It became easier to go out if I wanted to or stay home if I wanted to. I stopped going out only because I thought I should be gone to make him take note. Just when I thought I was hanging around the house a lot (not talking to him, just doing my own thing regardless of what he was doing), he told a friend he barely sees me because I'm always gone.
You can't control if he notices or not. He might and he might not ever mention it. Start to put yourself first and do what makes YOU happy!
Hi Cardinal- I am glad someone has experienced the same, yet I am sad someone experiences the same as me.
I did stay home this afternoon, and I watched an episode I wanted to see on Netflix and I am reading a book. He came home just as the episode ended. Came through to the kitchen, (probably wanting a Diet Coke, but earlier on Friday, I told him I was heading the the store for food and to let me know if he needed anything, he said no) since there weren’t any in the fridge he just said hi and went to he bedroom and shut the door. A while later, he got up and heated a frozen meal up. When it was heated, he took it to-you guessed it, the bedroom. The door is shut. I know there will be no interacting unless I prompt it. I am not going to. I am dying to, though, and that’s what bothers me. I don’t know why after exactly 9 months today of the BD I am bothered by this behavior!
I have been GALing and there are times I am gone when he is home, or I leave and am gone a while. Does he notice, I don’t know. He was sick with a bronchitis type illness, and he respond to my question if he needed any orange juice. Additionally, I had this overwhelming urge to ask if he wanted to go to the movies. This was when thaw was ok. I asked what he was doing that particular night, he said nothing why? I then asked “do you want to go check out the Joker?” Instead of saying something horrible, he just said he really wanted to try and get rid of his lingering cough. I was happy with that response. Maybe I overdid it by asking him, but it is killing me to not talk to a man that I share a home with.
I don’t know if there is an OW #2 yet. I do know where he is, because people I know see him, and he is with his dad. So idk. I guess I just need to keep on going, eating the elephant, one bite at a time so I’m not overwhelmed.
Does anyone ever feel like this?-I have learned so much about me, discovered new places to go, made new friends, and I want to share with my H all that I have learned. I can’t. We have known each other 30 years this month. I continue with a happy face and disposition, especially when he is around. I can’t even share anything, because he doesn’t want to know. Anyone have any remedies for wanting to share too much?
I think there is a tiny little thaw! I have been GALing like crazy, and he actually sat and ate take out with me on Valentine’s Day and today, after I was gone all day having a great time by myself, he went and brought dinner back. I wasn’t hungry at that time, so he ate alone. I know Cardinal understands the amazement of him actually eating with me. Only other time since last May was Christmas.
I know a little thaw doesn’t mean a turnaround, but I am grateful for a nice day.
I think there is a tiny little thaw! I have been GALing like crazy, and he actually sat and ate take out with me on Valentine’s Day and today, after I was gone all day having a great time by myself, he went and brought dinner back. I wasn’t hungry at that time, so he ate alone. I know Cardinal understands the amazement of him actually eating with me. Only other time since last May was Christmas.
I know a little thaw doesn’t mean a turnaround, but I am grateful for a nice day.
Temper expectations. Keep DBing. Double-down on GAL even!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am actually happy that I wasn’t hungry when he came home with food yesterday. I can’t seem so eager to spend time with him, even though he ate alone and not in the bedroom with the door closed.
After 9+ months, I am happy to see some action in a positive direction, but I know 1-don’t expect anything and 2-keep on doing what I am doing. I thought to myself before he even brought home food that I had a wonderful day by myself. I liked that feeling.
I appreciate your comments, it helps me know I am doing the right thing.
