This is the most negative I have felt since BD in terms of having no hope. I am starting to think that maybe all these years H was really a jerk and I never knew it because he was never this angry at me. Now that he is angry at me because I won't agree to a D, I feel like I am seeing the real H. And when I think back, there were times when the real H was peeking through subtly over the years. I don't know. Maybe I am just having a really bad day.
Weekends are the worst because H stays out even more than during the week. It drives me insane. The thought is coming to me more and more that it would be best for him to get his own place. The kids and I should not be subjected to him in this unstable, dysfunctional state. My youngest has started asking more questions about his whereabouts and I refuse to lie to her and ruin my relationship with her. I tell her I do not know (unless I do which is rare). She seems a lot more concerned about where he is than she had been previously.
Last edited by job; 01/25/2002:32 PM. Reason: edited a word for the poster
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
HesAble, sorry, that you're going through this, and that the weekends are especially hard on you.
Originally Posted by "HesAble"
for the past half of our M, was not a good husband a lot of the time (infidelity, drinking problems, financial irresponsibility, not much help with kids, no help around the house, etc.). I think what I am really mourning is the fact that my family will no longer be in tact.
Yes! A year ago I believed the most important thing was to be with one partner my whole life. I now put more weight on the happiness of my kids and I. You must know there are many out there who'd be thrilled to have a 50/50 partnership with someone as committed as you are to trying to make love and family work. I can't believe I put so much energy into my ex. I put a fraction of that energy into my current partner, and she feels cherished, and rewards me so! There are second chances out there for you, if he doesn't shape up soon.
Yes! A year ago I believed the most important thing was to be with one partner my whole life. I now put more weight on the happiness of my kids and I. You must know there are many out there who'd be thrilled to have a 50/50 partnership with someone as committed as you are to trying to make love and family work. I can't believe I put so much energy into my ex. I put a fraction of that energy into my current partner, and she feels cherished, and rewards me so! There are second chances out there for you, if he doesn't shape up soon.
CWarrior, thanks so much for your encouraging words. I love reading about happy endings. Whatever the outcome of this I don't want to become a bitter person holding on to baggage. I do believe there is more for me whether it is with H or someone else. I am now having a hard time believing it is H but God can change anyone.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Ok, all you veterans...It is that time of year when all the Valentine's Day crap is out in stores. For years, H and I have made a big deal out of the holiday and, for the first time, I am feeling the pain of being lonely and feeling "single" on that day.
Any tips for surviving the day without having a breakdown? As bad as H treats me nowadays, I am not expecting a present, card, text or any kind of acknowledgment on the day, of course (even though we live under the same roof and are sometimes intimate). In fact, I expect the worst - that he will not even come home that night or will schedule to be out of town the entire weekend. The thought alone makes me sick to my stomach.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/27/2003:31 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Not a vet but I’m in the same boat so I’ve made a plan. I’m going to a rage room and breaking some crap. And then polishing off a bottle of wine in the bathtub and going to bed. The next day I’m gonna make a big deal of it with our girls. It’s self love weekend for me.
Not a vet but I’m in the same boat so I’ve made a plan. I’m going to a rage room and breaking some crap. And then polishing off a bottle of wine in the bathtub and going to bed. The next day I’m gonna make a big deal of it with our girls. It’s self love weekend for me.
A rage room sounds like a great plan! I could use a rage room RIGHT NOW. LOL.
I was thinking of planning a weekend of self care and time with the kids too.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Ok, all you veterans...It is that time of year when all the Valentine's Day crap is out in stores. For years, H and I have made a big deal out of the holiday and, for the first time, I am feeling the pain of being lonely and feeling "single" on that day.
Any tips for surviving the day without having a breakdown? As bad as H treats me nowadays, I am not expecting a present, card, text or any kind of acknowledgment on the day, of course (even though we live under the same roof and are sometimes intimate). In fact, I expect the worst - that he will not even come home that night or will schedule to be out of town the entire weekend. The thought alone makes me sick to my stomach.
I get this. I have had to learn to do my best not to set my self up to fail. I work on having zero expectations. If I harbor a secret hope he will send me a card or flowers or pay the slightest bit of attention to me, I am going to end the holiday feeling sad and miserable. Not only that, but if my happiness on that day depends on HIS choices, so again he has all the power!!!! I am working really hard to take back my own happiness and my own power.
I had a coach who taught me an interesting principle. She was struggling with finances and saw a land rover drive by and felt sorry for herself. Then she changed her thinking. "If this person can afford a land rover it is possible for me too, Thank goodness!" When she was divorced she would feel tortured seeing happy couples. Instead she would say, "Bless this couple. They are showing me that love is possible for me, too!"
What you and I have to avoid on Valentine's Day is feeling sorry for ourselves. Oh, it's so easy! But it only leads to misery. I am going to send love to myself mentally leading up to it and that day. I will buy my favorite food. I will watch a movie that I love (not one about romance most likely!). I will do something that reminds me I am in charge of my life. Or I won't think about Valentine's Day at all.
I also remind myself how easy it is to make up stories about other couples. We have no idea what's really happening. On paper, my family looks awesome. And not because I try for it to. In real life, my marriage is a dumpster fire. Looks truly are deceiving. I mean, a couple walking by could be two people cheating on their spouses, you know. I remind myself constantly not to make up stories.
The biggest thing for me is not feeling sorry for myself. That is a one way trip to soul sucking discouragement.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I just spent the weekend at a hotel with the kids for a little staycation. It was awesome and I totally recommend it. The change of scenery, fun with the kids, and relaxing was awesome. Also I day drank mimosas all day long Definitely recommend it.
Valentine's Day is on a Friday this year-- maybe plan a fun weekend away with the kids? Or another idea-- can you make a fun Valentine's Day dinner with your kids? Like all the food is red, heart shaped, whatever, fancy fun drinks and a nice dessert? We have never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day as a romantic holiday, but have usually done something fun with the kids, at least a fancy dessert, and that could be a good way to start a new tradition that doesn't have anything to do with your H.
Hang in there!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I just spent the weekend at a hotel with the kids for a little staycation. It was awesome and I totally recommend it. The change of scenery, fun with the kids, and relaxing was awesome. Also I day drank mimosas all day long Definitely recommend it.
Valentine's Day is on a Friday this year-- maybe plan a fun weekend away with the kids? Or another idea-- can you make a fun Valentine's Day dinner with your kids? Like all the food is red, heart shaped, whatever, fancy fun drinks and a nice dessert? We have never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day as a romantic holiday, but have usually done something fun with the kids, at least a fancy dessert, and that could be a good way to start a new tradition that doesn't have anything to do with your H.
Hang in there!
I love this! Thanks for the suggestions! I like the idea of starting a new tradition that has nothing to do with H. GALing at its finest.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Definitely recommend it.