Thanks BenB

[ovrrnbw]

The only on I might question or need to understand more is to move back in the house.
How is this good? Not exactly giving her space..

She cheats and you move out? Explain your thinking there. Tell me how you look and feel doing this.

One of my friends took his lady's name. It's a tradition that I would never break. Why did you bring that up?

[SteveLW]

The only on I might question or need to understand more is to move back in the house.
How is this good? Not exactly giving her space..

She cheats and you move out? Explain your thinking there. Tell me how you look and feel doing this.

One of my friends took his lady's name. It's a tradition that I would never break. Why did you bring that up?

To ovr's point, in my sitch my W asked for space. Neither of us left the MBR, yet I found ways to give her space (HINT: GAL like a madman!)

[BenB]

Thank you M for naming your thread after me,

I may not be the best person when it comes to giving advice to others as I´m still learning a lot but you are in good hands here. I would recommend reading as many threads as you can and read what for example Sandi has to to say about attraction. For a woman to feel attraction for her husband she needs to respect him.

She wants to end the marriage? Fine, she can move out. Why would you? But as Steve says, GAL like a madman. I didn´t GAL enough during our worst periods. Deep inside I still wanted to be close to my W and made excuses to be home, thinking I would push her away by leaving her be. If there is one thing I regret and would do differently, it´s to GAL much more and in your case I definitely wouldn´t move out. If she wants out of the marriage, let her do all the heavy lifting.

But read here as much as you can. I´ve read thousands and thousands of pages for about 10 months now and older threads have helped me a lot. They contain advice worth gold.

[Mumin]

Im back after 8 meetings at work and a logistical nightmare yesterday. Exhausted going to bed but still couldn't sleep..
Traveling for work this week, will make sure to get a lot of reading done.
A bit afraid that DR will arrive in the mailbox while W is home.

Also, her sister reached out. If we speak, I Will focus on care for W and mention I'm shifting focus to me.

The only on I might question or need to understand more is to move back in the house.
How is this good? Not exactly giving her space..

She cheats and you move out? Explain your thinking there. Tell me how you look and feel doing this.

One of my friends took his lady's name. It's a tradition that I would never break. Why did you bring that up?

To ovr's point, in my sitch my W asked for space. Neither of us left the MBR, yet I found ways to give her space (HINT: GAL like a madman!)

Until recently I guess I avoided/ choose to not see it at cheating...
In my case a big miss-step is we/i started planning everything together which in a way means I accepted it. At least at that point.
My biggest problem atm though are the kids. I know from studies on kids in a D/separation that living under the same roof isn't the best idea. Did Steve n Ovr have kids in your sitch? I don't want them to take unnecessary hurt in any way...

To ensure clarity.
I haven't moved out. Atm we alternate living with the kids in the house.
She says she can't really focus on the kids if we're both at home.
We own the house 50/50 (in legal terms).
Getting an extra apartment where we live is very hard and/or expensive.


Maybe one way could be to tell the kids what's going on and then one of us sleeps in the extra bedroom...

[ovrrnbw]

I know from studies on kids in a D/separation that living under the same roof isn't the best idea. Did Steve n Ovr have kids in your sitch? I don't want them to take unnecessary hurt in any way...

There's a gazillion studies out there that say whatever the person funding the study wanted it to say. I don't like where your train of thought is going. Your kids are going to take unnecessary hurt in this, in school, in life. That's why you teach them, that's why you SHOW them that life in 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

I know you're in Scandinavia. I'm considering cultural influence on you and urging you to find your own path.

I don't have any kids yet. Steve does. Your sitch is more like mine than his.

You still haven't answered my question though:

She cheats and you move out? How does that make you look and feel?

She says she can't really focus on the kids if we're both at home.

Do you believe this? Was she able to focus on the kids with both of you home before she started cheating? So is it Mumin or is it Mrs. Mumin?

Maybe one way could be to tell the kids what's going on and then one of us sleeps in the extra bedroom...

Plan for yourself, don't worry about where she sleeps. The way you phrased this is super passive. If you think it's right to tell the kids something then do it. If not, don't. I don't see the need to include your wayward wife in your parenting.


DB Basics:

1. Detach - what she says and does does not affect you. You are your own zen master. Attitude - thoughts - actions - feelings.
2. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
3.GAL. Pick up old and new hobbies, change your mental state. Your whole life is out of whack right now. GAL will help change that.
4. Do what works - if you don't know what works, don't do what doesn't work.
5. Always do the right thing. Never give into fear.

I would love it if you went to the gym, made a commitment to say hello to at least 5 people, and worked out like a madman so that you could get some sleep and put some confidence back in your step.

[Mumin]

SHOW them that life in 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. &
I don't see the need to include your wayward wife in your parenting.

This post was a boost thank you Ovr!

I will try and answer your questions:

She cheats and you move out? How does that make you look and feel?

One of my biggest missteps has been to start planning things WITH her directly after BD...
One thing we talked about (and I emphasized) was that the kids shouldn't have to move. I wanted to protect them...
Thats the main reason we are in this setup. However I have also mentioned that I might want to buy the house (if I can afford it).
Anyways, when you put it like that it makes me feel dumb and fooled...

Do you believe this? Was she able to focus on the kids with both of you home before she started cheating? So is it Mumin or is it Mrs. Mumin?

Before all this she has always been a loving mother and in general a good parent. But now when we are home together there is always tention..
What do you mean Mrs Mumin? Mumin is just a nickname.

I am very tired so will go to bed and get back to reading during my business trip.
In regards to the last tip I probably have the best form of my life right now, started working out heavily in May/June but atm I need to increase frequency again. Build more muscle.
Help me understand:is the saying Hello thing a specific topic on DB? Whats the goal? I meet new ppl almost every day at work.

[ovrrnbw]

If mom and dad get divorced, a lot of kids have to move. Life throws all kinds of stuff at us, your kids will need to learn this. That's why you show them that life is all about what you make of it.

Move back into your house and let her figure out where she goes.

Anyways, when you put it like that it makes me feel dumb and fooled...

Let's call it a starting point.

Before all this she has always been a loving mother and in general a good parent. But now when we are home together there is always tention..
What do you mean Mrs Mumin? Mumin is just a nickname.

By Mrs Mumin, I mean your W. Your W is now saying that she can't focus on the kids with you there but what she means is that now that she is cheating she can't focus on the kids with you there. F that. Maybe she should take a hike if her cheating has been so hard on her. The fact that she puts it on you and totally ignores you and her vows to you shows me that she has no respect for you right now.

Good job on the gym, crank it up, add in extra stuff. Sharpen your mind too (AKA read more). All of these things will help with sleep.

[LH19]

M,

Ok we will start with the good. You have Bene B in your corner and her is a very good dber and you are going to learn so much if you stick with us that you will be able to read all the signs. I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

You should have never gotten married. You married a woman who was and still is in an active affair. Not having sex 6 months prior to your marriage is a serious red flag that will be unacceptable to you moving forward. Right now your W is unsure where she stands with the new guy and that is why she went through with the marriage because he is unwilling to commit. If he was he would have talked her out of getting married. Right now she has no respect for you mostly because you are willing to share her with another man. If you are doing this she will never be able to feel safe with you.

Things you need to stop immediately. Stop making appointments for MC. If there is another appointment ever made again it will be by her. No more leaving your house. That is your castle and you will not spend another night in that shitty apartment. She can live and stay wherever she wants and it doesn't effect you in anyway. Stop playing computer games. It is unproductive and unattractive for a 30 year old man.

Every move you make needs to be made from a place of strength. Take the focus off you W and place it on you and your children. If you do this your w will notice and possibly rethink her decisions.

[SteveLW]

Im back after 8 meetings at work and a logistical nightmare yesterday. Exhausted going to bed but still couldn't sleep..
Traveling for work this week, will make sure to get a lot of reading done.
A bit afraid that DR will arrive in the mailbox while W is home.

Also, her sister reached out. If we speak, I Will focus on care for W and mention I'm shifting focus to me.

The only on I might question or need to understand more is to move back in the house.
How is this good? Not exactly giving her space..

She cheats and you move out? Explain your thinking there. Tell me how you look and feel doing this.

One of my friends took his lady's name. It's a tradition that I would never break. Why did you bring that up?

To ovr's point, in my sitch my W asked for space. Neither of us left the MBR, yet I found ways to give her space (HINT: GAL like a madman!)

Until recently I guess I avoided/ choose to not see it at cheating...
In my case a big miss-step is we/i started planning everything together which in a way means I accepted it. At least at that point.
My biggest problem atm though are the kids. I know from studies on kids in a D/separation that living under the same roof isn't the best idea. Did Steve n Ovr have kids in your sitch? I don't want them to take unnecessary hurt in any way...

To ensure clarity.
I haven't moved out. Atm we alternate living with the kids in the house.
She says she can't really focus on the kids if we're both at home.
We own the house 50/50 (in legal terms).
Getting an extra apartment where we live is very hard and/or expensive.


Maybe one way could be to tell the kids what's going on and then one of us sleeps in the extra bedroom...

Yes I have a daughter. Unfortunately, my D was going through her 15 year-old, finding her independence stage at the same time as my sitch. In a way it helped my sitch because my W and I had to coparent through that. And it helped me GAL since my D was doing her own thing. But it hurt to see me losing my W and my D at the same time. None of these sitches are easy. Make your kids the #1 priority (#2 if you are religious at all as I always advocate making God #1), and then yourself. Your W right now should be way down the list since that is what she asked for.

[ovrrnbw]

To ensure clarity.
I haven't moved out. Atm we alternate living with the kids in the house.

Also, I think this statement is a major contradiction. Move back in your house and stay there full time. Quit moving out to accommodate, hoping this will bring her back.

Trust me, I did this too. I tried giving my W the MBR, staying at my parents...it's pathetic. You are a man with a wife and kids and responsibilities. You do not leave the house.

I'm not saying you have to go all berserker on your W and OM, but you can't be a softie either.