Work on being a good listener when he talks . If your a planner and control person this can be hard . I started with learning to be quiet and not giving my opinion on much . I always got pull back when I gave too much.
I found my H love language and built on that . His was clear though I didn’t have to even ask him . He did something I just said thank you softly . Grew from there .
Be mysterious. Dressing nice is great but how are you being mysterious. I came home with sunburn often . He would dig to see how I got it . Always just said too much sun . I think recently i told him I went out boating with my friends a lot he was still wondering!
Enjoy your kids . GAL with them . I bought $6 concert tickets and went out on a Friday night . Found free things to do . Dress nice just to go to the mall . Be a better you . Don’t include him or even tell him .
You will get stronger. My H still says how did you not cry during all of it . Guess what I did I just never let him know .
My control with him is pretty mild - I believe a lot of it is due to his past affair - when he goes out, I 'casually' ask where he's going, with who, etc. Same with phone calls - I don't always ask outright, sometimes I just look. Now, when he heads out, I smile and say "Have fun!" and he will sometimes tell me where he's going.
My control is very much present in my house and my kids - my towels are folded and put away a certain way, I hate to be away from my kids (I believe a lot of that stems from my infertility), everything has a place etc (although I'm not necessarily a neat freak)
I will switch to filling in my friends on my amazing kids - we have kids all the same age, so it's not out of the ordinary haha
He disliked my lack of affection, not allowing the girls to have sleepovers at my moms (that's a whole other can of worms. They are safe with her, it's just friction with her and me), my need to discuss things (I'm opinionated and will respectfully defend my opinion), my checking in. Those are all things that I am willing to change (to a degree, I can't roll over and agree with every opinion he has, but I don't have to argue about it. We're not the UN, we don't have to agree or debate) and am trying to!
Another question as I navigate these waters - He wants to move out, so should I suggest separating our funds now and we each contribute half to the household?
If he's moving out, you need to take half of the funds from the accounts and place them in your new separate account. If you don't do this, he will most likely take all of the funds or leave you w/just a little bit left in the account. I think it's time that you make a spreadsheet that indicates what funds are coming in each month and what is going out on household expenses and then, hopefully, come to an agreement on what he will pay in child custody and the household.
Do not believe anything he promises/tells you. They like to tell us what we want to hear and then they do the exact opposite in most cases. You will now need to look at your situation as a business deal gone south and protect yourself, your children and your assets as much as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do not believe anything he promises/tells you. They like to tell us what we want to hear and then they do the exact opposite in most cases. You will now need to look at your situation as a business deal gone south and protect yourself, your children and your assets as much as possible.
That's the hard part - he's sworn to me that he won't come for his equity in the house (we've only been in it for 3 years), that I can keep all the monthly child tax, he won't come for my pension, he only wants a tv and dresser. He said he doesn't hate me and wants the house to stay as normal as possible for the kids. We both work jobs where we see the results of kids being used as pawns in divorces and have always sworn that that would never be us. Even before the talk of splitting happened, when it happened with friends, he swore he would work two jobs to ensure the kids could stay in their home. He knew what it was like to constantly move and hated it.
Get to a lawyer as soon as possible and have papers drawn up that stipulate exactly what will be done when you separate. They will promise you the moon and when they are out of the house for a bit, all of those promises go away. Now is the time to get something in writing because he wants to leave so badly and will most likely sign anything you put in front of him... do it the legal way and be sure that you ask your lawyer about direct deposit of all funds from him to your new bank account. That way, you aren't waiting around for late checks, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We were hoping to do this simply with a mediator when the time comes. Where I live you have to be separated for a min of a year prior to filing for divorce, so it wasn't on my immediate list. I can't afford a lawyer at this stage.
I could email H about all the finances and then at least if he responds, I have it in 'writing'
I know I'm not supposed to initiate conversations about the relationship - would discussing finances qualify?
Just because you have something in writing doesn't mean that he will stick with it. Promises can be broken and that's why it's better to have something written up by a lawyer and signed by both of you. What you need to find out is if there is something called "separation papers" in your area. Also, you need to find out about having the monthly funds from his check direct deposited into your account.
Finances are something that definitely need to be discussed. It is very important that you take care of you and your family because once he's out the door, he's not really going to be there for you and your family. I may be wrong about that, but you need to protect your financial assets as much as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you! I will look those up - it will be hard as it seems so permanent to put it in writing, but I need to be proactive and take care of my girls.
I just wrote up a budget and am going to ask him to start using his own bank account and cancel his card for the one we have jointly since I'm keeping the house, I need to keep the bank account with the mortgage attached and I will change the passwords on all my financial stuff.
Then he can deposit his half for everything in there every two weeks. I don't think his work can do split direct deposit. Then I can no longer obsess about what he's spending money on cause I won't know.
The financial bubble burst pretty quick sometimes after they move out . Once reality sets in that he now has to support himself along with the W he left and kids . My H has never been involved in paying bills . Keeps certain amount of money from each check . He continued to try to pay his share of my household and live outside the home . He constantly ran out of money from not managing it properly while living on his rollercoaster. I left no more than a $100 in our joint account and every pay he moved money in and texted me . Within minutes I moved it to my single account . They promise the world but Never trust it . Yes separate your funds if he’s moving out .
