Hi there, I'm new here and I'm not fully sure what info you're in need of. I'm in my late 30s, husband is early 40s. We've been together for 17 years and have two kids - 4 and 6. In those years, I've lost my job, went to university and got 2 degrees, he went back to college and graduated, we've bought two houses, he had an affair, entered recovery for alcohol, dealt with the death of his mom and we've dealt with infertility. We haven't communicated well in the past and both became complacent in our marriage. Things have been rough for the last couple of months. Before Christmas, he told me he wanted to get through Christmas and then talk about our marriage. January 4th he told he wanted to separate. Jan 7th I told him I wanted to work on our marriage and wasn't ready to give up, that I had been hopeful this whole time that things would work out. That when he did little things for me (specific example I gave was buying me the little surprise bags of candy that my corner store sells) it makes me believe that he still loves me. Jan 8th I bought the book and started devouring it. I'm trying not to pursue, not to let his moods affect me etc. In the past 2 weeks, he invited me out for breakfast, texted to pick me up coffee on his way home (hasn't happened in over 6 months) and bought me a bag of candy. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up.
Last night he told me that nothing has changed and he's going to start apartment hunting.
I am gutted.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want my marriage to end. We have been through so much [censored], I can't just give up.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I need a new cross-stitch to do (the one I'm currently working on was for him) and I think it will be this quote "Believe none of what he says and half of what he does." I was looking for clues and hints in every action and word that he still loves me. I honestly believe he is depressed.
Hi there, I'm new here and I'm not fully sure what info you're in need of. I'm in my late 30s, husband is early 40s. We've been together for 17 years and have two kids - 4 and 6. In those years, I've lost my job, went to university and got 2 degrees, he went back to college and graduated, we've bought two houses, he had an affair, entered recovery for alcohol, dealt with the death of his mom and we've dealt with infertility. We haven't communicated well in the past and both became complacent in our marriage. Things have been rough for the last couple of months. Before Christmas, he told me he wanted to get through Christmas and then talk about our marriage. January 4th he told he wanted to separate. Jan 7th I told him I wanted to work on our marriage and wasn't ready to give up, that I had been hopeful this whole time that things would work out. That when he did little things for me (specific example I gave was buying me the little surprise bags of candy that my corner store sells) it makes me believe that he still loves me. Jan 8th I bought the book and started devouring it. I'm trying not to pursue, not to let his moods affect me etc. In the past 2 weeks, he invited me out for breakfast, texted to pick me up coffee on his way home (hasn't happened in over 6 months) and bought me a bag of candy. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up.
Last night he told me that nothing has changed and he's going to start apartment hunting.
I am gutted.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want my marriage to end. We have been through so much [censored], I can't just give up.
Help.
SOrry you are here. But I think many of the posters here can help you find some clarity.
You've read the book so you are already further ahead than the majority of newcomers here. However, I can see you are still hyper-focused on him looking for any signs of a turnaround. You you detach well by not pursuing and not letting his moods (I would challenge you to change that to not letting his words and actions affect your mood!), then he feels a loss of control over you and starts with the breakfasts, coffees, and candies. It is typical WAS behavior. He wants you as his Plan B. And as long as he feels he can come back to you anytime that he wants, he will continue to look at his walkaway plan as Plan A.
He's had an affair in the past so likely he is already working on another, if not already in another. However, none of that changes what you need to do. What you need to is remove yourself as Plan B. YOu don't do that through words, you do that through actions. GAL like crazy. Be busy busy busy. 180 on the bad behavior you might have engaged in the past. Become a woman only a fool would leave. And keep working on detachment. I know you said you are trying to not pursue or let his moods affect you, but guess what. A few breakfasts, coffees and candies later you start to have expectations, and set yourself up for being gutted when he tells you he still wants what he told you he wants. Your goal should be that he could come to you and tell you he had a orgy with 50 women, and you would be all: "Ok." and go right back to whatever you were doing without batting an eye. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible.
Expect the worst, hope for the best.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Went to order the DR book and realized I forgot my wallet at home, but it's in my cart!! I don't want to order it through amazon since we share an account and I don't want him to see
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My DB book is hidden under my bed and I am only accessing this from a laptop he doesn't have the password for and has never once used. I'm not even going to log onto this site with my phone. I ordered the book and then archived the order with amazon (Thank you Google!) I also created a filter on the junk email we use for amazon so that any emails with amazon in it will be redirected to my personal email
hi there. Oh man I know what those gut punches feel like....that really stinks. But trust me, he isn't sure about what he's doing or he'd have done it and cut you out of his life already.
Here are the basics that most people ignore for 6 to 12 months post bomb drop:
1. Detach. What he says doesn't affect the way you feel, your judgement, your words or actions. 2. Don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does. 3. GAL. Do things that you like to do. Tell us what this looks like. 4. Be patient. Be a good listener. Don't pursue someone who is stating they don't want you. 5. Be attractive.
Not giving up is going to seem like giving up at first. But putting pressure on him to change his mind is not going to work either.
Stay on incognito mode for this website, that's what I do.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So sorry that you are here. However, you have come to a very supportive place. I am a newcomer too and have found so much helpful information. I come here to vent a lot and it helps me get out of a funk. Keep posting. There is a lot of support and understanding here.
Originally Posted by Steve85
[/quote] ...Your goal should be that he could come to you and tell you he had a orgy with 50 women, and you would be all: "Ok." and go right back to whatever you were doing without batting an eye. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible.
Expect the worst, hope for the best.
Steve85, this is the BEST advice. I am working hard to get to this place in detachment!
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
So sorry that you are here. However, you have come to a very supportive place. I am a newcomer too and have found so much helpful information. I come here to vent a lot and it helps me get out of a funk. Keep posting. There is a lot of support and understanding here.
Originally Posted by Steve85
...Your goal should be that he could come to you and tell you he had a orgy with 50 women, and you would be all: "Ok." and go right back to whatever you were doing without batting an eye. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible.
Expect the worst, hope for the best.
Steve85, this is the BEST advice. I am working hard to get to this place in detachment!
[/quote] Steve was making a point here and exaggerating. He is getting at the idea that our spouses will do crazy things when we are in our situations and we have to prepare for this, and not let them get to us.
I think if someone's spouse told them they just slept with 50 people it would be OK to be angry and get out of that marriage. I'd also be wondering what was going on with myself that I found a person who was capable of these things. How would that not disgust anyone?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
