What's up. On here just about everyday skimming. I just don't have the time to provide and adequate response too most.
I'm working two jobs and I have to wake up at 330 in the morning for physical training. (Military Life)
My oldest son is in town for the summer from Nawlins(New Orleans). It has been a very busy summer for us so far.
My wife and I are doing good. She has really worked hard to work on the things I told her caused me to recluse from her during our M before BD. I have worked hard to manage my feelings, emotions and actions. I ensure I keep her LL in my forefront. She isn't a physical touch person which is my LL, but she has made strides to getting better at them. She is a spender and before BD she wouldn't make too many sacrifices for the sake of our budget, now she seems to enjoy making a few sacrifices.
We have a trip planned to New York for labor day. My first time going to the big apple, she will be showing me around. She's a military brat and my father in law retired out of Ft. Drum so she knows her way around the NY.
We compliment each other a lot and work to help each other out. We still get in our little spats, but we communicate our way out of the problems, which is awesome. Anytime I feel disrespected, I inform her immediately.
Our MC, just upped and disappeared, she was good, but one day we had an appointment set and she didn't show up and we haven't heard from her since. I called, text, looked her up on the web to see if anything happened to her, nothing. It's really weird.
She's also, standing up for herself more now, which she wasn't before BD, and it caused her to break all the way down. Trying to make everybody happy. Now she is more honest with people especially her family. It's awesome to see. She refers to us as a team now, so if someone ask her for something or to do something, she tells them I have to talk to my husband first.
I'm still working on my issues and my W is being patient and understanding, she does get frustrated at times but we get pass my situations rather quick.
In life there are no guarantees (In my Nawlins accent). Oh my wife is using BD techniques and terms with her friends and family and she hasn't read the book. I talk about boundaries and respect and she has started to use the verbage. I just listen and validate (As AS would say).
I missed you BLU.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I appreciate your update. While I believe I am only scratching the surface towards recon with my W, I can relate to much of what you wrote about your feelings and about respect.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Hey Joe, always good to hear from you! Your MC story reminds me of an MC my mom and dad were seeing when I was a kid. He pulled the same thing, up and disappeared one day. His secretary didn't even know what happened to him. Some time later there was a newspaper article about him, turned out he left his wife and kids and ran off with a nun, LOL! A marriage counselor! Wow! Physician heal thyself
I haven't made an update in quite some time. My W and I are doing good. We are working together to create a better M. We discuss everything instead of let it simmer and stew. I still have my triggers (which probably will never go away but subside). She loves our boys and works hard to make them feel love. She has worked to make me feel the same. We live in reality now, and that's makes for a much better relationship.
Here's some advice:
I see a lot of LBS trying to work in a logical world with their WS. Wondering why they pick the OM/OW, well most likely they picked up, because that person is/was willing to live in the illogical world with them. So LBS go into that illogical world and try to win/get there WS/WAS spouse back, by trying to convince them, what they were/are doing is wrong. Well they know that. They are living off their feelings. They making decisions off what makes them feel good and not on what's good for them. Well, as a LBS you have to pull away from their feelings, take a step back, because the WAS/WW will try to convince you that their FEELINGS are what's important and the justification for what they are doing.
You have to be a stable person to deal with this and you can't let their feelings drive you. That's what keep most LBS stuck, making choices based off of another person's feeling. Feelings go way, love remains.
For most WAS/WS their loss must be greater than their fantasy. The word GREAT lost is different for each WAS/WS, for some it can be the loss of their spouse, for some, the loss of family, some their parents, some their pets, some their reputation. But here's the thing for LBS, you can't know what that loss will be, because the WAS/WS don't know, until that loss happens. As the LBS, you can't control that loss and neither can the WS. If anyone has been around a person that just lost a loved one, and that person just cries, you want them to stop, they probably want to stop but they can't, they can't control it, the one thing you can't do when consoling that person is to tell them to stop or when to grieve. Some people grieving period don't start until after the funeral. It's unknowable.
This concept is the same with a WS. The one thing about loss, it forces most people to reflect on themselves. And in that time, the feelings they have are quickly replaced with reality. And that creates grief. They have to be honest with themselves in loss. And when you get out of the way of that, they can reflect, as long as the LBS is in the way and constantly trying to fix and entice their WS back, they don't have time to reflect on the damage and pain they have caused.
That reflection, creates remorse, which is what is needed for a healthy rebuild of a relationship.
So to simplify: WS-starts to operate off feelings WS-makes decision off of feelings and causes damage LBS-creates distance and allows space WS-starts to feel some form of loss, maybe the distance of the LBS creates that WS-Starts to reflect-reflection started because some form of GREAT loss WS-becomes remorseful-which allows the WS to re-open their heart
Notice there is only one step for the LBS. Every other step is on the WS.
So, I have learn to give space, time and distance and have learned when to close the gap. Oh, I'm still learning.
I hope what I wrote isn't to convoluted. LOL
Onward and Forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
It has been over two years since my wife and I reconned. We are doing good. We communicate and talk things out a lot better now. She calls me all the time and tells me everything, I have become more patient, before BD her calling me so much would annoy me. Now, I take my time and listen. I won't say we don't have our spats, but they don't just tear up our relationship.
I still have my tiggering moments, but they are really rare.
Sometimes, I do go down a revengeful thought process, but I have found ways to bring me back into reality.
My wife and I have some really happy and fun moments. We are working hard to raise 4 confident, responsible, and loving boys.
There's no timeframe on healing, after two years there's still a lot of work to do.
Onward and Forward
Joejoe
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
It has been over two years since my wife and I reconned. We are doing good. We communicate and talk things out a lot better now. She calls me all the time and tells me everything, I have become more patient, before BD her calling me so much would annoy me. Now, I take my time and listen. I won't say we don't have our spats, but they don't just tear up our relationship.
I still have my tiggering moments, but they are really rare.
Sometimes, I do go down a revengeful thought process, but I have found ways to bring me back into reality.
My wife and I have some really happy and fun moments. We are working hard to raise 4 confident, responsible, and loving boys.
There's no timeframe on healing, after two years there's still a lot of work to do.
Onward and Forward
Joejoe
Joejoe, great to hear. I am in pretty much the same boat as you. Our timelines were very similar, with relatively quick turnarounds. Reading your previous update again it dawned on me that the one that we both did a fairly good job of was giving the time and space. I think think this is something LBSs struggle with, but if they could do it well would turn their sitches around quicker. Not in all cases, but the constant failing at DBing and going back to pressuring and pursuing is what really drags things out a lot of the time.
I'd have to go back and read your sitch, but my guess is that you discovered DBing fairly early. I think my turnaround was fairly short because I remembered DBing from my previous sitch 2 days after BD. The effects of starting to put into practice GAL, 180s, and detaching almost immediately is what resulted in my sitch turning around so fast.
By time many LBSs come here they've already made weeks, or months of mistakes. LBSs reading this, notice that the quicker you get to giving her time and space, GAL, 180ing and detaching the quicker you may see a turnaround. Again, there are no guarantees, but the chances greatly improve the better you DB.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
