A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL BLACK FRIDAAY OFFER!
Save $90. Offer available November 27-30 only
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $300

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE $90 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881322
01/19/20 12:56 AM
01/19/20 12:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 309
J
Jac12 Offline
Member
Jac12  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 309
I get the sense that you're going to let her move back in anyhow...I hope things work our for you but I strongly encourage you to listen to the advice here as these vets have seen many situations play out.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881464
01/20/20 07:31 AM
01/20/20 07:31 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Thanks Jac. W’s behaviour has changed - she’s chasing now, inviting me out/over and messaging a lot, says she misses me all the time and wants to come home. When Steve85 was saying you’ll know when you know, I know now she wants me back. She hasn’t yet formally ended the communication channel with OM though so I’ve said I’m not giving anything until that has been done. W says she struggles with formally ending the friendship with OM even though they “hardly talk”. I’d like to believe her intentions and I think she will remove OM but she’s putting it off. W said she left home because she wasn’t happy, not because of OM (which she would have just kept quiet) and said they were “just friends” by that point. I think she finally wants to R.

I’m holding. She still has a way to go but progress is promising. I don’t want to rush anything.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881469
01/20/20 10:09 AM
01/20/20 10:09 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
O,

Look man you are new to this and right now you are very naive. To Steve's point he's means she'll do anything to save the marriage including no contact with OM. Inviting her back home would be like inviting a heroine addict into your house.

She said she left because she wasn't happy. What makes you think she'll be happy now?

Last edited by LH19; 01/20/20 10:10 AM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW [Re: Jac12] #2881476
01/20/20 11:46 AM
01/20/20 11:46 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 913
I
IHCLACS Offline
Member
IHCLACS  Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 913
Originally Posted by Jac12
Some time to show consistency on her part. Is she willing to put in the work to build the trust back that she destroyed...while living somewhere else.

If you live together it'll be too easy to let things slide back to how they were.

Plus...if she comes back too easily she'll be more likely to do this again in the future.


OS2. Respect is earned. Trust is earned. Self respect is your boundaries wants needs and desires. You are being manipulated. Since you insist on being a glutton for punishment so early in the game before real healing, real thought, real actions and real consideration is being given torwards R. If you are going to set the terms after W had an abortion from another guy. Listen. She's back because her backup plan failed. Not because she's remorseful. Might as well make them good. Test her. You want 24/7 access to her phone on demand, her computer, her phone records, no girls night out. Updates on her whereabouts. Dates once a week. Termination of contact with OM and you want to see it before its done, individual and joint therapy, financial monitoring. Access to phone records, records of all comms apps. Some healthy boundaries for you. You GAL You focus on you, changing and growing and healing. Make her prove just how much she wants to R for the right reasons. Im willing to bet if you make these demands so early on that's she's going to say you are being controlling. If she does? Then open the door and ask her to leave. If it were me personally I would make her work harder and ghost her. Nothing like time and space for people to grow and make them think hard how bad they f@$!ed up. The only way to do that is to allow them to experience that the grass isn't always greener and let their backup plans fail. For you its a win/win. You are always plan a in your actions, words and deeds for you. What do you think would be going on right now if she didn't get caught? People show remorse through their actions when They truly mean it. Not their words. Even then. They have to earn you back.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881478
01/20/20 12:05 PM
01/20/20 12:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
^^^^^^^


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881488
01/20/20 12:46 PM
01/20/20 12:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
Originally Posted by OS2
W had an abortion early Jan which was from the A.


How does she even know that? Were the two of you not having sex? Or did she just think -maybe- it might be his? I can't believe you would still be considering letting her back home after a revelation like this, I mean that is like standing at ground zero for an atomic bomb drop! Don't let her come back right now. Tell her you need time to consider this news and what it means, and tell her that SHE needs COUNSELING!!! Here are the steps you should be thinking about for recon:

1. W expresses interest in recon.
2. W agrees to break all contact with OM, does it in a way that you can see/ hear that she did in fact do it.
3. W gives you all her passwords for her phone, social media accounts and email so that you have full access to confirm she sticks to her promise.
4. W organizes IC for herself and religiously attends.
5. W organizes MC for both of you to help you sort out how to proceed from here.
6. The two of you work out terms for her moving back in.

So far you only have 1, and now you want to jump straight to 6! Please do not do this, it won't work. She will think you are a sucker for taking her back so easily and she will continue to disrespect you.

Quote
She still has OM on messaging but said now I know she will finally end all contact.


That is unacceptable. This conversation should not even be taking place until she has been out of contact with OM for months. Basically she's using OM for leverage to get what she wants from you. "Let me back and maybe I'll end contact with him."

Quote
Calmly made it clear how unimpressed I was with that and told her there is no chance of a R without ending all contact.


Well thank goodness for that!

Quote
She commented how she is back to being the chaser and I’m out with a social life while she’s moping at home.


She expects you to pursue her when she's a lying cheater who had an abortion that she thinks was OM's? Kudos to you for still wanting to save your M but please wake up to what you're dealing with here.


Quote
W’s behaviour has changed - she’s chasing now, inviting me out/over and messaging a lot, says she misses me all the time and wants to come home.


Let her come home and you lose all leverage to make her do all the hard work she needs to do (steps 2-5 above). So far she's done nothing, no work on herself at all.

Quote
I know now she wants me back. She hasn’t yet formally ended the communication channel with OM


Then you don't know sh** my friend. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need that right now. She is manipulating you to get what she wants (move home). She needs to change her ways before you should consider reconciling, and that will take a lot of hard work on herself.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881490
01/20/20 01:04 PM
01/20/20 01:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 309
J
Jac12 Offline
Member
Jac12  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 309
OS2,

Agree with all these posters...she still hasn't ended communication with OM and you think she's ready to R?

THink about that.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Help with WW [Re: IHCLACS] #2881520
01/20/20 05:28 PM
01/20/20 05:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Thank you all for the comments. I really appreciate extra perspectives.
Originally Posted by LH19
Inviting her back home would be like inviting a heroine addict into your house. She said she left because she wasn't happy. What makes you think she'll be happy now?


I agree, she can't come back until she proves she isn't in contact any longer with OM, end of. And AnotherStander - I know I don't know anything. There could be anything else going on for all I know. And she is still reluctant to end comm which is not a good sign but she knows what the score is regarding any R.

W's done a terrible thing and I'm not over it. And it'll take considerable time before we can get past it. And it's been a matter of weeks since I found out (and the extent of the details), I couldn't possibly be over it and ready to carry on as normal. I don't yet know if I will be able to entirely forgive her. It doesn't excuse her actions AT ALL, but I do know we both stopped trying at our M. If/when we get to a position where we can R I do think the M (in isolation of the A) could be better and stronger as a result of this wake up call for both.

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
You want 24/7 access to her phone on demand, her computer, her phone records, no girls night out. Updates on her whereabouts.... Access to phone records, records of all comms apps.


Wouldn't this be starting again with the wrong intentions? Treat her as a kid and ground her? She has destroyed my trust but I don't want a marriage where I have to do all that, and don't want a W who isn't going to cheat again *just* because she doesn't want to get caught. I want a W that isn't going to cheat again because she doesn't want to (and doesn't want to lose me which she would). Steve85 said it above ^^ and I think I agree with his approach. It doesn't show much confidence in yourself to be checking up like that. I'm a hell of a catch and if she did anything like this again I would not be trying to make it work again (particularly if we were in a better place).

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
People show remorse through their actions when They truly mean it. Not their words. Even then. They have to earn you back.


Thanks, agreed.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
That is unacceptable. This conversation should not even be taking place until she has been out of contact with OM for months. Basically she's using OM for leverage to get what she wants from you. "Let me back and maybe I'll end contact with him."


Yes, I take this comment to heart. I won't be leveraged like that. Months seems a long time.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881522
01/20/20 05:35 PM
01/20/20 05:35 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
O
ovrrnbw Offline
Member
ovrrnbw  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
Here's the condensed version: you're desperate and women can smell that stink from a mile away.

Be strong, be smart, don't be so emotionally driven.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881523
01/20/20 05:38 PM
01/20/20 05:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 309
J
Jac12 Offline
Member
Jac12  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 309
OS2 - having access to her phone/passwords on social media doesn't mean that you have to check. It just means that she's willing to be transparent as she EARNS that trust back.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004