Just to recap the timeline a bit, September is when she really went cold. I knew deep down there was something wrong before that, but we were still a pretty happy couple at that point, just something was certainly missing. I know from working on myself that a big part of it was me shutting down emotionally and trying to just hope our intimacy issues would just pass (and not just sex, just overall closeness with each other).
She moved out mid October, was told just for a few days, but that turned into weeks. We still kept in touch, and really still were getting together quite often, but it was strained and she did not want any intimate contact beyond the occasional hug or kiss. Then mid November I found out she had met someone else in September. I did the wrong things at that point, trying to convince her to drop him and work on our marriage, weekend after Thanksgiving she completely moved out, before it was sort of a temporary thing, now all her things are gone.
After that contact went way down, still had occasional phone conversations and texting. Certainly got the feeling she wasn't convinced divorce was what she wanted, but she also didn't show any signs of wanting to work on our marriage either. That glimmer of hope continued to drive me to do the wrong things as far as DB goes. We had one last big conversation that I felt went well, however may of just been my hopeful perspective.
I found this forum after that. As far as GAL, I already have a fulfilling life, plenty of friends, etc. So I feel like I'm ok in that department. My issues are more with being close and opening up about my feelings and not being afraid to tell people what I think. I've seen recommendations for the book no more mr nice guy in other threads so I have started to read that and a lot of those behaviors I see in myself.
I was not good at the no pursuit for sure, however I have left her alone now. It's essentially been around 20 days of no contact, except for a couple of messages back and forth regarding our dog.
I'm just sort of having a rough day today. I'm also having trouble with detachment. When I'm out doing things, I wish she was there enjoying it with me. I create these scenarios in my head where I'm going to get some text that says she misses me, and then when it doesn't happen I get down on myself.
With this meeting coming up soon, and the fact that she has not reached out at all, except to set up this meeting, I'm pretty sure she is finally going to present divorce papers. Steve85 mentioned to listen and validate. I have been reading through that validation thread over and over, but I just feel like I'm going to do or say something I don't want to say.
I don't want this divorce, do I just keep that to myself? How do I validate her wanting a divorce but make it clear I want to work on this marriage? Do I just need to look at reality and realize the marriage is over and stop thinking there is this imaginary chance to work on it? I'm just not convinced she is actually happy, I think she is living in the moment. I've read a lot about limerence and that certainly seems to apply in this situation. Although, again maybe wishful thinking, because that is something that has hope to end. Maybe what she has with this new person is what she wants and it will never end.
I'm struggling with patience, I know many situations have gone much longer this, is 20 days without really talking even a big deal? Still way to early for anything signficant to have happened?
If she does present divorce papers, is there anything in particular I should do at that point? I sent her home with the paperwork the last time we talked. So assuming she has taken the time to understand it and filled it out and I'm happy with it, do I just move forward and sign it, do I try to delay things? Should I even be worried about this yet since it hasn't actually happened?
I'm sorry, I feel like I rambled on a bit today, just having a bit of rough day, I guess I was hoping for some sign that maybe she didn't want to do what she is doing, and not getting that sign has been rough.
I filed for D when I found out about the OW. Take the papers to an attorney and show her that you are strong and that you are no ones plan B. Oh and these cheaters blame everything on the LBS to justify their crappy behavior. Don’t fall for it. An honorable person would divorce first then date.
kas99, I agree, not very honorable to start a new relationship while you are married. Although, she has never been mean to me, and I'm fairly confident she had a one time thing in September with him, then never saw him again until October and that is when she moved out. Not that it makes it any better at all, but it appears once she decided to keep seeing him she cut it off with me. She doesn't put all the blame on me either. I look back at things myself and can see how I really did push her away. We both had major communication issues. For her, she is done now, for me I'm thinking we can build a stronger relationship coming out the other side of this. However, that is assuming she has done any work on herself, not sure where she is at now. The affair, if it's still happening is still not public, so I really don't know if she is still with him or not, just that she hasn't made any attempt to be with me.
LH19, I don't have a lawyer. This is actually my second marriage. My first marriage the divorce was completed with no lawyers and we had a child together, and it all went well. This time around we just have some assets to split which we have discussed and seems like we are agreeable. I will certainly get a lawyer, but if everything is pretty cut and dry and I agree on the terms, do you all feel a lawyer is still needed?
Also in our last conversation, I did tell her I can't continue to be married to her if she is with another man. That's when I gave her the paperwork to look over, it was basically the do it yourself divorce paperwork. I made it clear that's not what I want, just what must happen if she wants to be with someone else. So I guess if she does move forward with the divorce I'll just let her know I won't stand her in way anymore and I need some time to look it over. Basically I had put it on her to make a decision and do the work to get this divorce going if that is what she wants.
Well we met, I will say not a lot came of the conversation. It was pretty much just rehashing what we have already discussed in regards to splitting things, just with some more concrete numbers. No official paperwork has been filled out or anything. Took LH19's advice to just make a statement that I do not want this divorce, but I won't stand in her way and I am moving forward. She said she knows that, and she started to tear up but held it back. Guilt maybe? She still wants the divorce at this point...
I just kept calm and the whole thing was over fairly quickly, she did bring over dinner and offered to bring me something, but I declined. When she started asking some personal more friend type questions I just said I would let her finish eating and went in another room for a bit.
After we finished discussing the assets she asked if there was anything else we needed to talk about. I'll tell you it was hard to not start talking about "us" again, but I just said no. Then as she was leaving, she said she knows I probably don't care, but she did start seeing a counselor to figure herself out.
You handled yourself well you should be proud! At this point there is nothing you can say that will change her mind. Unfortunately it takes awhile for the reality to set in regarding the fantasy.
I heard an analogy of the WWs fantasy of being single like the fantasy of going to Disney land. You get there and the first day it’s great and you ride all the rides. Then the second you realize that most of the day is spent on long boring lines. Then by the third day you are sick of eating expensive crap food. By day 4 you start to realize the music is taunting you and you just want to go back home to your everyday life.
This process though takes a long time. Steve promotes on here that 90% of WWs will eventually want to recon at some point in time.
We have a lot of similarities in our situations. You did great in this conversation and keep that in mind for future conversations as well. It's a marathon not a sprint.
The fact that she informed you of the counsellor tells me that she's not fully done. Remember what detached means too....go back and read the intro part on detachment. It's not to be cold and heartless. Keep positive and show her your emotional strength and self-respect.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Well done, js. I still see some signs that there is still hope. Her tearing up. Hey being in counseling (though that sometimes works against you). Just hang in there. Keep DBing. Let the chips fall where they may.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
