The Aftermath of BD #3 -- 2 yr PA

[KristinG]

May,

It sounds like you are really working towards your own PMA. I know everything is up in the air and scary right now, but I feel like the full truth finally coming out has allowed you to let go of another few inches of the rope. I know you're going to be ok no matter the outcome. Try not to get bogged down in the "what-ifs" with regards to co-parenting in the future. If you and H do not R, it's clear that you both will put your girls first and make decisions for their best interests. On a side note - get your groove on girl! I know all too well how crappy it can be to not feel desirable and forget that you are, indeed, a vixen in the sack. Keep up that great attitude!

KG

[Pommy99]

May, On a side note - get your groove on girl! I know all too well how crappy it can be to not feel desirable and forget that you are, indeed, a vixen in the sack. Keep up that great attitude!

KG

I too love this part of May’s story of the weekend! Brilliant attitude! And May, I’m so glad you feel positive about the experience, like you were in control of you and your emotions, and no regrets afterwords. That’s empowerment! Go girl!!

I always remember something I read a while back, “even if you don’t want sex with your spouse, there is always someone else who will”. Never forget how worthy you are, first and foremost to yourself, and if there are others who desire you - which there will be, then bonus!! I too fall into the unloved/undesired category - but I know that is only one person’s opinion of me.

[may22]

I've been see-sawing a bit. We saw the MC for the second session and it wasn't very fun. H spent a lot of time talking about how sh**ty our R was for all those years and how I starved him of physical and emotional connection, and now that he's seeing I had it in me all along it feels like I was lying to him for all these years and all those mini-betrayals should count for something (like in comparison to his big betrayal of the A).

He also kept reiterating this whole thing about if I was really his best friend I should be happy for him AND if I would really do anything for the kids I should participate in his fantasy where we are still friends but he is with the AP. My boundaries are controlling and basically an ultimatum to him and maybe he should just "call my bluff" since he doesn't believe I would actually not be friends with him if we split up. It was not fun to listen to and I just felt really like WTF am I even doing here?

The only thing he shared with me from his session with his IC (the first since we saw her together) was that the first thing she said to him is that it is obvious what good friends we are.

Of course, friends don't lie to their friends and betray them for two years and expect to stay friends. But his head is just so far up his own you-know-what right now. He said explicitly to the MC he wants both Rs-- me as friend, her as lover. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut because I know the MC is trying to get him to understand that is impossible, and it is something H has to come to on his own without anyone telling him what to do (much less me)... but it is so frustrating and makes me just want to say F it, GTFO of my house and go dark, dark, dark. That participating in this limbo in any way is a waste of time and I should just get on with my life and that I'm better off without him.

I had another conversation with his mom when I got home that day from work, cried for awhile. She was again really great and supportive. I said I didn't think the person who was making these choices was the person I married and she said she didn't think it was the person she raised. I think she's having a pretty hard time of it too. If nothing else, this situation has really improved my R with both his parents-- they've been here for over a week and there has been zero friction and a lot of positive feelings and interactions outside of the couple heart-to-hearts I've had with his mom. I feel like this whole experience has made me be more open to accepting people where they are, better at listening and understanding, and better able to see the good intentions even when things don't come off how I might expect.

Then I spent some more time creating lists of all the good things about being on my own, reading my D book (although there is a big section in the front about how bad D is for kids at each age level, which I was not expecting from a book by a D lawyer and was really depressing-- I had to put it down), looking into a fence for my backyard for my dog-to-be, and scrolling through adorable puppies on Craigslist.

Last night when I got home from work H wrapped me in a big bear hug for a long time which totally weirded me out. It was in front of his mom and I feel fairly certain it came from some conversation of theirs. Then he was helpful with dinner, nice, solicitous, put the kids to bed. When I went to bed I realized he had reorganized our whole bathroom. (WHY?? So strange.) This morning he touched my waist as he said goodbye and have a nice day. Not reading anything into any of this, just recording.

[scout12]

Hi May, I think one of the most helpful things about sharing our stories on here is the objective advice we receive from others. If I ever I read back over my own posts, I would try to pretend someone else wrote them, and respond to them accordingly. What I mean is, what would you tell a friend who was in your exact situation?

Reading your posts, I can tell how strong you are and how much you value family and relationships. I think you deserve to be with someone who shares your strength and values. You H is positively stuffing his gob with cake at the moment. Fidelity in marriage is a binary concept, either you are or you aren't. And your H isn't. My take on your situation is that he's exploiting the things you care about most in order to get what he feels he's entitled to. Cake! To add insult to injury, he's claiming that you OWE him this because you failed him in the past. I just see this as exploitation and manipulation.

I think you are going to be just fine when you get past this, no matter what the eventual outcome will be. You are more than a consolation prize. My H told me he settled for me on the night he dropped his bomb. Instead of shrivelling up into a ball and trying to prove myself worthy of his love, I should have packed his bags for him and told him "have a nice life". I deserve better and I believe you do, too.

Just my 2c. Hope it wasn't too harsh.

[may22]

Scout,

You know you're one of my heroes I have to say I kind of hate your H and want to kick him in the b@lls. You are strong and amazing and I have so much admiration for you. I have been rooting for you so much and so glad to see you take back your power and see your H for what he truly is.

What you're saying isn't too harsh. I think you are 100 percent right, and when I look at my own situation I think the exact same thing. I think it is part of the reason I haven't told anyone (except my one friend) because I know what everyone's reaction will be.

And, the truth is that in three weeks, he's going on another business trip to her city and I'm pretty sure that will just be the end, since he's not coming back to live our house after seeing AP. I'm willing to tolerate this limbo until then, for a number of reasons including wanting to be 100% sure this is the right decision for my children. It also gives me time to plan and detach so that when the time comes I'm more prepared than I am at the moment for the reality of S/D.

I know this would all be easier to step away from if he was acting like a jerk. The problem is that while I see him cake-eating, deflecting blame onto me, acting in this incredibly selfish and destructive way, I still don't think he's a wholly bad person. I believe he is a flawed human being who has made some really stupid and destructive choices, and continues to do so. But he is also the father of my children and has a lot of great qualities too, including being a really terrific dad. I would have said up until this point he was my best friend.

Right now, it just feels really complicated. Maybe once I get out of this and have more breathing room from him and the situation, I will be able to look back and see more of the bad sides of him, and feel like this betrayal and the choices he is making now are core to who he is rather than a fundamentally decent but flawed human being who is making some really stupid and selfish choices. I'm just not quite there yet.

I *am* more than just a consolation prize. This is something I'm going to hold onto. I believe it. I need to act like it.

Thank you...

[scout12]

Oh jeez, I don't think I should be anyone's hero on here. I'm a DB failure for choosing divorce. I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time aside from trying to get away from my H. You are free, nay, welcome to hate him. I have no hope for our marriage and very little hope for him as a person. And yet... I do hope he sorts himself out for his own sake, and for S1's sake.

Your plan and reasoning is completely understandable and sound. To be honest, I'm a little envious of those with spouses who don't simply vanish or turn nasty. I do think there is hope in these situations if the runaway spouse ever pulls their head in. Your H still might realise what a colossal decision he is making, what he stands to lose, and how many people it will affect.

You don't necessarily need to spend time analysing him and his good/bad sides. It really comes down to you and the kind of marriage YOU want. Define your dealbreakers, your boundaries, your minimum standards etc, and ask yourself does your H meet them, respect them or cross them. I know life is not black and white, but sometimes it helps to think binary when making big decisions.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you, but I don't think you need it. You will get through this!

[unchien]

I've been see-sawing a bit. We saw the MC for the second session and it wasn't very fun. H spent a lot of time talking about how sh**ty our R was for all those years and how I starved him of physical and emotional connection, and now that he's seeing I had it in me all along it feels like I was lying to him for all these years and all those mini-betrayals should count for something (like in comparison to his big betrayal of the A).

He also kept reiterating this whole thing about if I was really his best friend I should be happy for him AND if I would really do anything for the kids I should participate in his fantasy where we are still friends but he is with the AP. My boundaries are controlling and basically an ultimatum to him and maybe he should just "call my bluff" since he doesn't believe I would actually not be friends with him if we split up. It was not fun to listen to and I just felt really like WTF am I even doing here?

Full confession may22 I haven't read all of your updates lately.

You are in a tough situation with MC. The general advice here is only attend MC if they are willing to work on the MR. MC is typically successful only when both parties have a similar goal in mind.

Maybe he needs the MC forum to get it all off his chest. Maybe sitting there and validating his emotions while you withstand the slings and arrows will help "bring things around" eventually. But oftentimes MC is an opportunity for the WAS to relieve their own guilt while the LBS repeatedly suffers gut punches.

It also sounds like MC is feeding into some anger and resentment on your side.

[may22]

Hi U,

The MC is specifically for the purpose of deciding if we want to work on our R together or not. He's the only MC in my city with formal discernment training. I don't think we are working on our R in the sessions so far (two). It has been more giving the MC an idea of what has happened, past and present, and where we both are today. So far I would say it has been helpful in that he's pushing both of us on our assumptions and communication. And I think that the MC can say things to him that I can't, or that just doesn't mean much coming from me. But yes, I left that last session relatively worked up. (Which maybe I need to help me choose to show him the door.)

How are you doing?

[unchien]

Ahhh that's right I forgot it was discernment counseling.

That is more or less what my MC ended up being (I think we called it co-parenting coaching). At the first session we discussed our feelings about the MR, and decided on separation. The ensuing 6 months were spent primarily working on communication. I saw some benefit (especially for our kids) but tried to check my MR feelings at the door -- it was hard going into every session wondering "is this going to be the one where we talk about the MR?" Never happened in my case.

I'm hanging in there, thank you for asking. Quite a bit of activity going on in my situation. Some of the recent threads here concerning anonymity have me on guard so I'm choosing carefully what I post about.

[may22]

Yeah, the MC was asking us about doing the Gottman assessment and I'm really not all that interested unless we are actually working on our R. Doesn't seem to be much point otherwise, plus I don't trust my H to answer 100% honestly without a negative slant.

I've been thinking a lot about you and hoping you are well. I went to yoga yesterday and have been practicing some meditation, which has been wonderful. Thanks for the encouragement there!