Yes, you are focusing too much on being ripped off. Make a list of lawyers, do a search on line and then talk to some of your friends as they may know something about one or two of the lawyers. Look for those who offer free consultations as well.
Trust me, many of them have been down this road w/other clients. If they start pushing you for filing, then I would stop them in their tracks and advise them that you are on a fact finding mission and want to know what you are entitled to and that if and when you decide to file, you will let him/her know. The lawyer I went with didn't push, but gently guided me along as I navigated my situation.
Make that list of questions you want answers to and start your search this week. Remember, you are the client and the lawyer is working for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The lawyer works for you. Find one you feel comfortable with. Trust your instincts. Do they sound competent, truthful, experienced? Or are they like a stereotypical used car salesman (not disrespect to any car sales personnel out there) promising you incredible riches and a quick resolution?
This is just business. You lawyer’s belief or knowledge of MLC is not a requisite for their services. The lawyer knows and understands the business of separation and divorce, the legal side, and ramifications of it. That is what you are paying for. Keep the business side business.
The people here know MLC and what you are going through. Post, vent, question, journal, tell of your accomplishments, tell of your falls - we’ve all been there. These are some very fine and compassionate folks with much hard earned and sage wisdom.
Originally Posted by Kindly
...how do I get them to understand the confusion and messed up timelines?
Just stick to the fact. Those are all that really matter in the courts anyhow.
Show the L the timeline of events. What and when. If you live in a place like me where it is no fault divorce then the why has absolutely no effect on any default rulings. However, if you do get into a negation with H, his desires can be leveraged for gains - like custody.
Us going on and on about our spouse to our lawyer just racks up chargeable hours. You can tell all that to a IC for a lot less than the lawyer hourly rate.
Maybe you’ll get lucky, my L was a flat fix fee. $4000 for a separation agreement; all the title investigation, mortgage transfers, bank accounts, credit cards, car ownership documents, house deed, homesteader release, pension, alimony, child support, etc.. and all the back and forth negotiating until a signed agreement or the need to go to court. After that point it would be $300/hour.
That is how my lawyer laid it out for me. Straight forward, no bull.
Document everything. Keep track of events, and bill payments, incomes, etc...
You are shopping for a lawyer and gaining information on your rights. Investigating the worst case, best case, and most likely case. You can pull the trigger later if needed; and you will know which L to go to.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you both so much....reading your advice and experiences help to stop the swirling in my head.
Venting/ journaling ~ so after a full week of no eye contact, hiding in the basement and zero to no convo from H ...I feel as if I’ve made a mistake in detaching. I was supposed to go out last night part of GAL ...but my plans got cancelled and truthfully I physically wasn’t feeling well so I would have been pushing myself to go anyway...almost simultaneous to my plans being cancelled H asked if I wanted some food from a place we take out from...I didn’t answer right away but finally said sure. Food came, H stayed upstairs instead of retreating, we watched a movie (this hasn’t happened in weeks) then part way thru H got super sick...I didn’t know what to do. Leave him alone and ignore his suffering? I ended up bringing him water and asking if he was ok, checked on him a few times ...eventually he was feeling better and rejoined to watch the rest of the movie. He even thanked me for the good movie pick before leaving to go to bed. This morning he still feels like crap but we’ve had much more conversation then we’ve been having since this all started...current events, work, etc. Today and yesterday is the MOST NORMAL I’ve seen him since this all started. Major glimpses of the H I know.
Even though this was a one off incident I feel like I let him eat cake. Should I have just left him to take care of himself?
I know speculation will drive you nuts and I write all of this with ZERO expectations from him/ for me ....but could the last week of him retreating to his basement cave after handing me first steps in S papers be getting to him? It’s the first time I’ve agreed to get a L with no push back. He seems calm...I’m scared. Ha!
You will see the normal H..only time will tell especially by his continued actions
Sometimes they have touch and gos...they get closer only to distance again
Keep expectations low and go about your daily life no pressure lots of space busy new activities fun
its ok to show concern and offer help to a person who feels ill... just try not to mother him He will have to get used to caring for himself
they are not sure if their decision is a good one I think they check back to connect at times, but the crises will take them again I would not read too much into it...
just watch from the distance as you go about your life
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You did fine helping and checking on H when he was sick.
Yes, I can understand you feeling like you made a mistake in detaching. I assure you, you didn’t.
Detachment takes time to find and time to get used to. It’s just your feelings that are being questioned; you behaved detached. Remember detachment is when one’s feelings do not get dragged around by the antics or behaviour of their spouse. You are/were there - not uncontrollably dragged along.
Checking in on a sick person is fine. It is a compassionate thing to do. And like peace said, just don’t mother him, he needs to look after himself. Just like a teenager wants and needs too. Kind of ignoring, in a caring way.
H will surface and retreat as he walks his path. Keep moving forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You did the right thing, i.e., checking on someone who is sick. That is not cake eating at all. That is being kind and considerate. Don't go all out and become a mother to him. If he's not feeling well today, you can ask how he's feeling, but then leave him to sleep and/or whatever he needs to do. You would have treated a roommate the same way, so no you did nothing wrong at all.
He's going to have moments of clarity and that is when he's going to act normal. It happens to all of them from time to time. Enjoy the moments that he's acting normal, but also keep those expectations dialed way back.
You did just fine.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you want to run some generic questions by us, we will be happy to help you w/them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Has anyone had any experience with their MLCr announcing to everyone (friends and family) right away that they are getting a S/D? With all of the reading I’ve done it seems like they more often keep this big announcement to themselves and only BD the LBS. I guess I’m asking because I’m having a rough couple of days and feel like I should just get this D over with and move on. He hasn’t waivered on what he wants and I don’t know if that’s because he’s confused or just honestly done with me.
