kml, I agree w/what you are thinking. I think everyone is trying to say in their own way to "slow down, what's the rush".
Andrew, I hope that I didn't hurt your feelings and/or offend you...you are a great guy...but you need the curb some of the rescuing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Except that you DO have a say in who comes into your home, who stays for a visit, and for how long. You can express that you are not comfortable with S and her 12 year old son moving in as you've been dating for such a short period of time. Regardless of how long you've "known" her, your time together is short. You can suggest to her that this summer is too soon. "Let's continue to date and get to know each other and see how things are in a year." You can even mention that B moved in too soon and that potentially was the beginning of the end for you two. You need more than a few months of time to prepare yourself to share your space again. I do agree that with the rate S is going... she and S12 will be in much sooner than the summer. Maybe a month.
I have a 12 year old son (among 3 others, but still). I cannot imagine behaving the way S is behaving. What does his dad think about all of this?
You don't have to be a doormat to be a nice guy.
I don't understand why S gets to walk all over you and do whatever she wants and you simply shrug your shoulders saying "it's not my business" when it is VERY MUCH your business. You are a partner in this relationship. It is 50-50. Not 90-10.
Have you talked to anyone in real life about this?? What do they think?
I emphasized that we need to be sure that the boys are comfortable with things and that I was putting the full load of making those decisions on her. They are her boys and I have no say. I also pushed that I was very uncomfortable with it - even though appearances shouldn't matter - without her divorce actually being filed.
S says she has the divorce thing all figured out and expects that she'll have to do all the work even if her STBX was the one who had suggested it. She also disclosed her financial position to me which is not nearly as bad as I thought it was from other things she's said. Although I suppose when you only have a small shovel that a small pile of poo is a lot of work.
Her longer term vision has just her, S12 and the dog moving in leaving the cats and rabbits with S17 who will by then be S18 and would actually prefer to be living on his own anyway. She has a side-hustle of holistic health services that she has been wanting to have a space for as her old space wasn't working and since I'm zoned commercial so she is figuring on setting it up here in the front porch which really is only used to store stuff for 20S at present.
So - the train that in many ways I had thought was farther down the tracks mainly because I've not been looking at the calendar has published it's schedule and is booking passengers. Generally I'm ok with all of this. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been talking to S in general and gradually more specific terms about a future.
The actual time-line will be a bit under a year from the first date. Certainly slower than with my ex which was I think about 2 months from complete strangers to co-habit. And S where I think it was 2 1/2 months. And I've actually known S for probably close to a decade.
There is a huge amount to still figure out and the train could derail. S25 has already been told that S will be stopping by from time to time to work on her various projects here where there is more room and he was fine with that. None of this is any surprise to anyone.
So, you are getting some great (maybe not from your perspective) feedback and I already gave my 2 cents, but after reading others comments and thinking about it, I had to go back and read your post again and a few things stuck out to me this time. Why are you putting the full load on her to make a decision that affects you so greatly? I get that you don't want to try and insert yourself into parenting her kids, but man, she's wanting to move herself and crew into your house AND run a business out of your house. I didn't even think about it earlier and since I don't know what her business is, this may be irrelevant, but not only are virtual strangers moving in, but she will, presumably, be bringing ACTUAL strangers into your home under the guise of business. Have you even thought about that? These are all decisions that the both of you should be making together. While I admire your wanting to stand back and allow her to be a parent to her own children and not insert yourself, when they move in, you will be thrust into a stepfather role whether you want to be or not, so you might as well start getting used to it. I'm not saying beat the kid if he gets out of line, but I suspect both of her sons are seriously lacking in the male role model department and this younger one might attach himself to you in a way that you are not even really considering at this point.
You say she has the divorce thing all figured out. So, what is the hold up? What is there to figure out really? I mean, I'm not Canadian so maybe Canadian divorces don't work like Arkansas ones, but you file papers, pay some money and either sign off on it without having to go to court or go to court if it is required. We didn't even have to go to court, just signed, judge signed, bam....divorced. If money is the hold up, she needs to focus on her business NOW and get that together to do it. And, is that not a red flag for you that she's saying she'll have to do all the work? That sounds like a big fat excuse to me and the next one will be, once she's done all the work, that he is refusing to sign for some reason......just wait...….that's coming next. I'm sure S is a lovely woman and I don't necessarily think that she's trying to be deceptive or use you or anything, but I do think that she sees you as a means to a better life for herself. If her finances are better off than you previously believed, why is she in such a hurry to move herself and her impressionable child in and why isn't she in a hurry to get the divorce out of the way. As another commenter said, either there is something that we don't know because you haven't shared it or there is something even you don't know because she hasn't shared it.
I agree with what everyone else has said about s17. She's just walking away. Of course he says he wants to live on his own. He's a teenage boy! But is that what he actually wants? Of course not! He wants mommy there to do everything for him like she currently does. I promise you, if she moves out and leaves him with all the responsibilities of the pets, it won't be long before he is moving in to your house too. Being on his own will be great at first. I wouldn't give it but a month or so before the new wears clean off of that, though. I mean, think about your own son. He's 25 and still living with you and isn't in any hurry at all to move. Now, I get that her son and your son are not the same person, but I learned a long time ago, you have to take about 99% of what teenagers say with a grain of salt. And speaking of your son, your house is his house. So, you are allowing this woman, a virtual stranger to your son, to make decisions about HIS home without really interceding. Does he get any say? You said he's been told she'll be around. Now, this probably goes against what I would normally say because normally I would say it is YOUR house and since S25 lives rent free like a much younger child, that he doesn't really get any say, but in this particular case, my concern would be that S25 would feel pressure to move now that he didn't feel before and you have, more than once, talked about not wanting to force him to go. I think this is a disaster waiting to happen in that particular regard.
You say "generally, I'm ok with this". Come on, Andrew. Is that really how you feel? You said in the very first part of your post that you were staunchly proclaiming your discomfort, but now at the end, you say you are ok with it? That's like me being really excited about a new blouse and asking Sparky how I look in it and him going "ah, it's alright I guess....it covers you up." I suspect that you are not as ok as you want us to believe. I think saying that you have known S for a decade is an excuse/justification to make it seem different than the situation with B, but it really isn't much different at all.
It just worries me, Andrew. Seriously. I think you are a lovely gentleman. I think you are a rescuer. I think you are a non-confrontational "go along to get along" kind of guy and you don't want to say or do anything at any time that is in any way going to rock the boat in any form or fashion. She wants to move in and take over your house and it won't be long until she takes over your life. Sure, you are comfortable in your career and earn good money and all that, but right now, you are supporting yourself and S25, who presumably, is at least making his own car payments and taking care of his own entertainment needs. With S, you are going to take on all the added costs of feeding them and being financially responsible for S12's entertainment. And, before you jump in and say he's her responsibility, I think we all know who will be footing all the household bills and paying for entertainment outside of the house. Now, she may take care of his expenses related specifically to school, but everything else will fall on you. If you are ok with that, then more power to you, but I point it out to say, you can't have it both ways. You can't say you are going to let her make all the decisions because they are HER kids, then bring one of them into your house and support that one in the manner that a stepparent would do. That is going to send him the wrong message and again, is a recipe for disaster if this train does derail somewhere down the track.
Sorry for the terribly long post. I'm just so terribly worried for you. I want you to find love and be happy and I'm not even saying that S isn't necessarily a good one for you. I think she's a good one for you living separately because if she moves in, she will assume a wifely role whether you actually give her that role or not.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks all. I'm taking all advice on-board. The S17 thing does concern me a lot. There are numerous factors that I don't understand or have full knowledge of. Personally I always expected him to be part of the baggage train.
Ensuring that S25 isn't disturbed by any of this is a very high priority for me. At this point he seems fine with everything even the information that S12 will be staying over from time to time.
Going gradually is my expectation and my understanding of S's. I've talked about the destination and not the many many steps necessary to get there so perhaps there is a bit of misunderstanding of the state of affairs leading people to believe that she's standing on the doorstep right now with kid and dog in tow. I just looked to be sure
Dawn - the money part isn't a concern. I'm not wealthy but can afford another mouth or so. I am also aware that there are other incidental expenses including education etc. Also - her divorce should be simple. As to why it never got filed in the past, as I've mentioned previously, I'm satisfied with her reasons.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I understand the money isn't necessarily a concern for you and that wasn't really my point. My point is, if they move in, you will, in essence, be placed in a husband/fatherly provider role for both S and her child. But you continue to talk about her kids and how she handles them being none of your business and the like. While it will be an added financial load to you that is not at all unreasonable because you manage your money well, it is a bad message for s12. Or at least, I think it is. If my girls were 12, this is not the message I would want to be sending them.....that it is ok to move in with and live off a virtual stranger after dating a few months.
And, at the risk of sounding super hateful (which is totally not my intention, but it is hard to convey some things through writing), I know you have said you are satisfied with her reasons for not filing sooner and that is all well and good. BUT, we all keep bringing it up, because regardless of her reasons and whether you are good with them or not, it just seems like a HUGE red flag that she hasn't gotten it done and she's diving head first into a new relationship that will include cohabitation. Looking at it from an outside perspective, not knowing any of the particular ins and outs, it looks like she's playing both ends against the middle and trying to stay attached to a known previous safety net of sorts while she makes sure the next safety net is properly in place.
You say now that she isn't standing on the door with bags and kids in tow, but that is kind of how it sounded in the initial post that prompted all these responses. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what I read, but basically what I got from your post is that fairly soon, she and s12 will start staying over on weekends and maybe even occasionally through the week, leading up to staying full time.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Are there any stipulations/laws in your area about having a business operating from your home? To me, she's already thinking/plotting to take over your home and she's not really thinking about the fact that it is your home. Do you really want strangers coming there when you may not be home? What happens on the days you want to work from home? There will be so many distractions that you won't be able to focus. What about the phone calls that will be required for her business? Will she be installed a separate phone line for her business? Do you have plenty of LAN lines for computers, etc.
Unless I am mistaken, your peace and quiet will not last once she has moved in. Do me a favor...the next time she comes over w/her gang, truly listen to the amount of noise in your home? Observe the gang closely and do not make excuses for them...I want you to come back and tell me exactly how much of a distraction that they could possibly be if you work at home.
Andrew, we all care about you, your S25, the cats and your home. But honestly, she's way ahead of you in the planning department and unless you put the brakes on, this train is going to hit you full speed long before the end of the school year.
If you aren't comfortable w/something...tell her and if you need to say no, then say it. It's too late once the gang has moved in a business started out of your home. I see "taking advantage of a good thing" written all over this. I do hope that I am wrong...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ooohh - just one more (important) thought - if she's going to operate her business out of your home (which you have said is commercially zoned, so that's good) - she needs to pay for business liability insurance that will cover YOU. Imagine a client of hers trips on your stairs and breaks their hip, and sues YOU for the unsafe condition. DEFINITELY make sure you are insured for a business in your home.
