Hoosjim's back... and maybe his WW, too (?)

[SteveLW]

Tough doesn't have to be sex. Holding hands. Stroking here face. Playing with her hair. All count.

And acts of service doesn't mean you have to do heavy lifting. Ordering food delivery, paying the bills, calling and making arrangements all count.

Don't look at what you can't do. Look at what you can do.

[hoosjim]

Hey y'all-- just thought I'd give a quick update, since the last post was a bit downbeat, and also a top-level "thank you" to everyone here.

I am now five weeks, going on six, post spinal surgery. I start PT on Monday. Been a rocky recovery so far—got worse before I started getting better. Finally managed to get through gatekeepers to talk to my surgeon, who told me the nerve was pretty badly traumatized—basically flattened by the disc bulge, and then, due to size of bulge, they had to retract the nerve to get it all out, further traumatizing it. Said nerves take a long time to heal fully and can feel worse before better. Also ordered a follow up MRI to be sure, and it was clean, no re-herniation of disc or other nerve impingement <whew!>

As I have recovered, I have found ways to keep as active as possible, be somewhat useful around the house, and remain as intimate as possible with my W. Made it a point to continue to find ways to touch and be close to her, and, wouldn’t you know, there are even ways to be “intimate” that don’t twist/bend/stress the lower spine For anyone ever facing a similar situation—illness, injury, etc—I cannot overemphasize the importance of trying to find ways to stay intimate… touch each other.. even if actual intercourse is out of the question. It really does reinforce the emotional bond. We had gone about four weeks “without”, and then one night when I was feeling better, I initiated—Earlier in day sent her flowers at her office just because she’d been having a hard time there, arranged with her coworkers for her to get off early and kidnapped her and took her out to new restaurant she’d been wanting to go to. Really nice evening and at the end of it we just “found a way.” <grin> Managed to not reinjure myself in the process, too! At any rate, the length of time <apart> HAD caused us to drift… even if just a little. Afterwards and since then she had been MUCH more demonstrative, cuddly, etc., and I have felt closer and been more demonstrative with her. It’s weird how the normal, daily, routine, can just cause you to “drift” away from each other a bit, and I am sure my injury exacerbated this (Don’t get me wrong, we were nowhere NEAR back to the “bad old days”… just a little less intimacy/closeness than their had been) I am confident in saying that the physical relationship helped strengthen that closeness and bond… So find a way to stay as intimate as possible, even through health problems, and, if you can’t, at least talk through it with each other...maybe you will end up "finding a way", too!

For her part, during my recovery, she has been extremely understanding and helpful… further signs that her recovery and our reconciliation is a strong one… in the old days when I was sick (And if you'll recall I was seriously and chronically ill for a while) she was dismissive, irritated, even resentful. Through this current injury, though, she has been an amazing spouse and source of comfort and support. Although, the shades of the past are not completely gone…. Last week in church she started crying. I put my arm around her and stroked her back and hair, but didn’t ask her "why" while we were in the service. Afterwards, though, I asked her what was up, and she said “Oh, just everything… the boys going back to school, me being so thankful for them and you and us and then feeling so sad that I did what I did and put us through all of that”… And I understand where she’s coming from. What happened between us was extremely painful, for me at the time and for her in the years leading up and then subsequently when she “came back” to the MR. Not sure when the scars will completely heal, if they ever do. I still get flashes of resentment and pain from time to time, particularly when triggers arise, though they seem to be slowly abating with time. Talked with the MC a few weeks back and she said it’s normal… and to talk to each other if it starts to affect our relationship.

Anyway, just wanted to update… feeling better and looking forward to starting rehab, hitting the gym, and resuming full activity. MR still rolling along and as good as its ever been… thanks in large part to the blessing of finding this place. I can’t imagine where I’d be if the good Lord hadn’t led me here. Pretty sure there is no way I would have turned my life around so quickly, and no way I would have ended up reconciling without DB-ing and the support of all you kind folks here (Not to minimize the importance of my MC, another “but for the grace of God I’d never have found her—she was and is the absolute BEST) but here and DB-ing, and my IRL friends and y’all were all crucial parts in the puzzle. I really appreciate the care and thoughtfulness and time that you folks put in here. Thanks for everything!!! (And especially for y'alls patience with my very long posts!)

[SteveLW]

Get better hoos! Love having you on the forum. With your experience you bring a valuable perspective.

[neffer]

Good to read that HJ. Time heals everything, you need to be on the up wave to reach that. First working on yourself. Happines comes from inside.

Both of your kids are out at university, right? So, how are you both coping with the empty nest syndrome? It seems you are having a good transition there.

Thanks for the update!

[AnotherStander]

Hey Jim, sorry to hear about the surgery but glad to hear the recover is going well! Great advice on staying connected with your spouse even when things are not going perfect in life! Good job keeping the work going on that healthy M

[hoosjim]

Both of your kids are out at university, right? So, how are you both coping with the empty nest syndrome? It seems you are having a good transition there.

It's funny with "Empty Nest Syndrome". The specter of both our boys heading off to college (Yes, they are both still enrolled) was initially one of the Big Bad Events that was scaring my W and contributing to her WW-ness. She discussed this at length in some of our counselling sessions. She saw that coming up and kept thinking "Well, after that, it will just be me and him here by ourselves... EEEK!" And, for my part, I have to admit I wasn't sure how i was going to handle it. She, obviously, initially handled it by succumbing to the GGW lifestyle and going wayward... losing weight/working out, buying and wearing new, revealing clothes, going out and staying out late with single friends, eventually starting her A with OM, etc etc. Funny thing is, as soon as we had passed through our crisis phase and started reconciling (almost exactly at the end of my younger son's senior year in HS), "empty nest" became a Godsend. It came along at JUST the right time to support our reconciliation efforts and give us many, many opportunities to get out and have fun on our own. Having our boys home had been probably somewhat more "tying down" than the average family, as our younger son has a serious case of Tourette's Syndrome --think high-functioning autism or aspergers, creating some issues and requiring us to be somewhat more engaged on the margin than the average parent-- and both played varsity sports, which consumed alot of our time (especially football). Don't get me wrong, we both love our kids and love spending time with them and going to their games and being involved, etc, but once we started reconciling we couldn't wait to get out, go out, have fun on our own, travel and get a hotel room and have it be JUST US in the room! So much so that we jumped the gun by a month or so and took a trip for a week leaving them both home during that Summer. Of course, there was a big party in our absence and they both got in major hot water and lessons were learned, but it was worth it. In sum, we have PLENTY to do. Lots of outdoor opportunities near us, we both like live music and like to frequent the local (And not so local) establishments... it's great! And since both boys are within a couple of hours drive, we still see just enough of them that we don't get to missing them too bad.

So, I guess, in a nutshell, "empty nest" and the specter thereof was both "bad" and "good" for us... served as a trigger for my W's WWism (some would prolly say MLC) but, ultimately, came along at the perfect time to turbocharge our reconciliation.

[Core]

Hey HJ, still around? How are you faring?