I know you're thinking about how to handle all these split bills and stuff. Keep it business, keep good records, and be fair.
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Please let me know what you are will to do in order to to help the kids and me transition smoothly'.
You are good man right? Who's working to be a better person right? Just tell her you will do the right thing.
What does the lawyer say about her assuming custody of the kids and asking you to pay for things? You really need to be objective here, which is hard. Get objective help.
I'm still thinking about this:
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Fast forward to yesterday (tues). The W calls and says she S12 got hurt at sports practice. She then asked how the trip was and that the kids couldn't stop talking about how much they loved meeting family. We ended up talking about our dating experiences the past month or two and shared some good laughs. She is basically second guessing divorcing now and saying she needs to think about things and how she feels. This has my guard up like never before, but, I felt kind of excited. I told her that I did not want any of this separation/divorce. We spoke briefly on seeing a therapist and she mentioned she didnt like the one we say (for one session). I told her - we can decide on one we both feel comfortable with if it's the route we choose to follow. And one point I slipped up and said - please come back home. The talk went really well and for the first time in a while, I felt we had some hope. She did mention she wanted to keep things amicable, regardless of the direction we go in the next few months, but that she had some thinking to do.
Unless she is really cruel, I think she is still feeling confused. So I think you shouldn't go all tough guy on her but don't be a pushover either. If she brings up anything like this, just don't mention what you want yet (for her to come home). I think that just adds too much pressure right now. Give her time, give her your ear, and think about what lead up to this: you going and GAL with the kids, having a great time, etc.... do more of that.
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I am a little up in the air on my son's sporting trip expenses. He is part of a travel team and needs to attend. I am thinking of saying that we need to divide his trips between us.
I'd pay for it all and go regardless of whether your W is going or participating.
Have you read Blu's threads? These adventures are what life is about! What would you do if you didn't go? How will your son look back on this moments, and how can his dad make it an unforgettable memory? Plan some fun along the way, or when you get there, etc. My W traveled for softball prior to college and her family made every trip a great time.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
OK - I ended up cutting her a check a few minutes ago for gymnastics. The lawyer and I both agreed a 50/50 split is fair for child custody and this is what I will pushing for.
The W texted me last night and was talking about my son's gymnastics. She went off on how much muscles he's gained. I told her I've actually gained some too from Crossfit. We had a few "remember that time when" comments and it was actually kind of nice/playful. Part of me wanted to talk R but I stopped it. I remembered the analogy on how this process is like feeding a squirrel.
I do feel confused about her and things (was also told by several that this is normal). There are times where I get angry at her for putting our family through this. There are times when I just want to somehow meet her for a hug. I was told by two friends that I have nothing but false hopes and should put her in the past and forget about her. I do have hope (and that's why I am posting)! I'm starting to feel more and more like I'd like someone to share life with and, well, I just don't know how long I should wait/if I should wait etc. I want to call her up and say - really, can we please end the madness and go to counseling (but this would be pursuit). The struggle is real!!!
My son's next gym meet is 5 hours away and I'd love it if we could all travel there as a family, but I think that'd probably be a big ask, as we are separated.
I've been doing really well on being detached and working out regularly. I struggle with being lonely in this house - sometimes it's fun and relaxing, other times, I just missed the sounds of my family's voices.
Firemann, do you really want to sit in a car for 5 hours with this person? Also, don't tell her your changes, let her see them.
How long should you wait? It's your call - in my situation I've decided to remain patient while she works out her struggles. Why? 1) I want my son to know I did my best to keep our family together 2) I think she's having some personal struggles so I'm showing empathy to that. 3) In the big picture even if this last 2 years we'll still have lots of time ahead of us and I think we'll be stronger if we get past this.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Be careful with advice from people with vested interest, like friends and family. They have one goal: To help you get out of pain as quickly as possible. Why? Because your pain is uncomfortable for them. So often their advice will be to take the path that leads to the quickest relief of your pain.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think you should go to your son's meet without your W. That was my whole point. If she goes that's up to her but you're driving yourself there either way. And I wouldn't invite her to share a ride either.
Fireman, I feel for you on the empty house. That's really crappy man.
That remember when moment sounds like small progress bc there was no fight, no heavy talk that ensued.
Keep your head up and keep working!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks guys. I might stay home so I can watch the dog. The W is going to the meet regardless and my son always insists on riding with her. He has a few meets closer by that I will attend.
W texted me this morning to thanks me for the check. She threw in another legacy inside joke statement that made me smile. I didn't reply back. Glad i wrote that check, ovrrnbw - good call buddy.
Headed to a divorce therapy meeting tonight at church. Skipped the last one due to the agenda stating that you must give up hope, accept your marriage is over and move on. I still have hope, for some reason. I'd like to say I did my best to keep the family together, but i didn't. i took my ring off first. i ventured into the dating world first. I had this mindset of just wanting to find someone else IMMEDIATELY who would be a better version of my crazy W. In retrospect, I wasn't ready, I just wanted this void to go away, so I found an emotional life raft in someone else.
I had one question for you guys and it came from my therapist - when you are dating someone else, your self improvement works comes to almost a halt. Do you guys agree?
We had a few "remember that time when" comments and it was actually kind of nice/playful. Part of me wanted to talk R but I stopped it. I remembered the analogy on how this process is like feeding a squirrel.
Quite right. Plus, she has NOT changed her mind about the M. If and when she does she will let you know in a very clear way. Until then do not initiate an R talk as she will just BD you all over again. Good convos are definitely a step forward but turn it into an R talk and she will think "wow I can't even have one nice convo with him without him thinking it means I want to get back together, maybe I should just quit talking to him."
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There are times where I get angry at her for putting our family through this.
Keep in mind that her point of view is YOU are why this is happening. She felt like something was missing in the M and this is her last ditch effort to save herself. Whether you think she is right or wrong, that's how she feels so if you get angry and try to blame her it is not going to be well-received! However, it is normal to feel a wide range of emotions, just try to vent that anger through working out or in other non-confrontational ways.
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I was told by two friends that I have nothing but false hopes and should put her in the past and forget about her. I do have hope (and that's why I am posting)!
Nothing wrong with hope, it keeps us optimistic and moving forward and that's a good thing. Like Steve said, friends are saying things like that for selfish reasons. They want the "old you" back and will encourage you to "rip the band-aid off" so things can get back to normal for them. Michele talks about this early in DR. Just tell them that you are doing what you feel is right, and even if they disagree you would appreciate it if they would support you in your decision.
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I'm starting to feel more and more like I'd like someone to share life with and, well, I just don't know how long I should wait/if I should wait etc.
I think a year is the bare minimum, and the longer you wait the better off you are mentally for a new R (whether that's with W or someone else).
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I want to call her up and say - really, can we please end the madness and go to counseling (but this would be pursuit). The struggle is real!!!
You're thinking things like this because you are clinging to the hope that the "old her" is in there somewhere just waiting for you to say the right thing to come out. But that's not the case, you're dealing with a "different her". Eventually you may be able to foster a relationship with this new version of her, but it's going to be a while before she might be ready for that.
I contain my anger about 95% of the time. Most of it is just frustration we are going through with all of this, while thinking inside, we could probably fix this.
I need to remember that her point of view is that **I** am why this is happening.
I am focusing on my kids, particularly trying to make amends with my strained relationship with my daughter. I do feel like the W has poisoned D15's mind.
Be careful with advice from people with vested interest, like friends and family. They have one goal: To help you get out of pain as quickly as possible. Why? Because your pain is uncomfortable for them. So often their advice will be to take the path that leads to the quickest relief of your pain.
That's why family members and friends always say things like "You deserve better" or "Just move on."
