It was a bad bad day. In personal life and at work. I nearly had tears a few times at work. I worked late again and had at least an hour more of work to do, but I wanted to go to my exercise class. And I almost didn’t go and stayed and finished work. But I said “screw that” and I left and made my class and I burned off my steam.
Pretty much everything is going wrong right now, I won’t go into details. But if I could give up and say “F it” I would.
On a lighter note, doodler was kind of right. In our rounds today the Joint people came to our floor and there was this gorgeous guy with piercing blue eyes ( my weakness) . I locked eyes with him which you should never do with one of them, but I couldn’t help.
I came home tonight after the gym, cooked dinner, cleaned up, showered, and I was about to sit down and ice my feet.......
And it’s like 8 pm and my daughter says she wants me to straighten her hair. And I said “no way, no tonight, I don’t have the energy and it’s late” she then tells me she needs to be able to do it on her own and she will do it herself. Well, she has a monsterous head of curly hair with no left handed coordination and is terrified of he flat iron. I cried in my room because I’m at my breaking point and I hated the fact I had no energy to help my daughter do her hair. When you have a girl entering her teen years and she wants to do something with you as simple as her hair..... you don’t say no.
So I ended up doing her hair. My feet were killing me and I was exhausted and I ah e to go to work early tomorrow to finish up today’s work.... but I did her hair. And when she hugged me and said “mommy I love you so much. Thank you for doing my hair” my heart just melted.
I’m not going to lie. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know how much I would care about life. I’ve done so much inner work, outer work, made every effort in my life to make the right decisions, to better my life and honestly, for what? To struggle every day? But for my daughter. Well, if my sole purpose on this earth is to be her mom and I was meant for nothing else? I am fine with that.
And thank you for all the help you always gave me in my situation. You are such a voice of reason.
Sending you positive energy.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
G - I am sorry you are struggling and I don't have any answers as to why this has happened to you. But I do know that your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mom. There are millions of little girls that would love to have their mom help them with their hair. Maybe your purpose in life, at this juncture, is to be the best mom you can be to your little one. To give her all of the love and attention you have. Maybe this is where you are supposed to be for whatever reason.
Awww, thank you. ha who, thank you. I just always saw such an amazing mom and woman in you who deserved the world.
J- thank you. I didn’t have a mom role model so this role really scared me when I had to go at it alone. And while I haven’t been perfect, there is no doubt that child feels safe, loved, and important because of me. And that’s all that really matters. Maybe this is my sole purpose right now.
She saw me looking at bumble the other night. She doesn t want me to date. She couldn’t answer why. I’ve been just as good of a mom even when I do. She recently told me she missed one of my ex boyfriends, the first one she ever met. He was her favorite. She told me she was not a fan of FF, and M was her second favorite. I think the reason is because she doesn’t like to see me hurt when we break up.
Maybe, just maybe I’m supposed to wait until she is on her own, I am moved and life for ME will begin. I’ll still be in my 40’s. Maybe in the meantime I should just keep it casual. I actually changed my bumble profile to reflect that. I said I was hoping for the real deal one day, but until then, someone to hang out with and enjoy outings together and some Netflix and cuddle would be nice.
Dreading going into work today. But tonight we have a a free food and drink event. And I’m looking forward to that as D 12 will be at her dads. This weekend she has a sleepover at my house. She is really excited .
It's really hard to know G and understand while you are in but there has to be a reason. When I think about meeting the Dr. and her having a little boy that really has no R with any male figures in his life my head sometimes wonders to that place of where I think this was supposed to happen. I dont have this passion in life and have struggled with what my own purpose is as well but I do know that I am a really good dad. Maybe that is my gift and purpose for him and the Dr.
Not trying to get all woo woo but you just never know.
You are an amazing mom! Your daughter is safe, happy, healthy, and knows she is loved. You provide her with a very stable environment and a great role model for how she should be later in life. Maybe she is your purpose, at least for the moment, but who knows? The thing is, I'm not overly religious, but I do firmly believe that God has a plan for everyone and we aren't always privy to all of the steps of that plan. We have no control over it either, as it is all in His hands, but it will be revealed to you in time.
If I may offer a contrary opinion, I don't necessarily think you are going to have to wait until little G is 18 and out of the house to date/find love again. I know you don't want to think about it, but she's banging on the door of those teenage years HARD and she'll be out doing her own thing then. That doesn't mean y'all won't still have a great, close bond, but she'll be doing her own thing more and you will have more free time then. She may even pull back on that whole not wanting you to date thing as she starts to experience those things for herself.
You really are a catch, G. I know you are frustrated, tired, down, don't want to wait any more, but I'm convinced there is a grand plan for you that will result in your finding everything you want and need in life.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Don't change your listing to casual - that will just attract all the d!ck pic guys who want a quick roll in the hay.
Keep your dating separate from your daughter - you're right, she may hate seeing you hurt, but HER feelings also get involved in these relationships. How about next time you wait a year before involving her in your dating relationship?
And yes, maybe just date for fun for a while without looking for THE GUY. Or get involved in social activities that are mixed groups. It's an election year, maybe get involved in supporting your candidate. Or join a bowling league. Or softball team.
Last edited by job; 01/16/2006:21 PM. Reason: edited a word
Dawn, I could only hope that you are right. The universe must be holding out for something great on me. I just don't get my hopes up anymore. You said some very kind words, and i hope you are right
KML- I am apolitical for the post part, so that isn't happening. and i did not change to casual on bumble. I just gave a more casual vibe. ANyways, I seem to not be matching with any and everyone is in Manhattan and you would be surprised, despite our mileage proximity, neither side is willing to cross the river to date. I've already pretty much thrown the towel in on online dating.
It's not only poor lonliness that gets me down. It's also the burden after so many years that comes with being a single parent. By burden, I mean financially, working long hard hours, 2 job, not splitting a darn responsibility because there is no one else to share it with. I managed this through the hardest years. BUt it is really the amount of years and it is honestly wearing me to the bone. I come home with not much left to give, yet I dig into my reserves and give. ANd I am zapped. I have bills that go unpaid not only because I am broke, but because I don't even get a lunch break anymore to stop and pay, my brain simply shuts down when I sit down at 9pm after everything and I forget. The burden of everything on your shoulders does not get lighter over the years, it gets heavier. On the other hand, If I was not a single parent, I would be financially secure, able to handle working like a dog, etc. HOWEVER, I would never ever ever want that. I will take the struggle a millions times over, but I am sad it has to be such a struggle. I ve been caring for myself since I was a teen. I was out on my own very young. I am tired. Oh so tired.
Anyways, nothing I can do about it. I do what I can and that is get up every day and do what has to be done.
Negative: I have a bad cavity which is causing me lots of pain. I have been grinding my teeth while awake. I have no time to fix it. I also have to go repeat my drug test for my new job because their computer lost it. I have no drugs in my system, however, it took me 2 trips and over an hour to complete it. I get to do it again and have to ask for time off of this job. yet another person has ditched out on me last minute to get my couch. One person broke their ankle, this one has a very sick kid in princeton he had to pick up all of a sudden. Apparently my couch is bad for people's health.
Positive. Ummmmmm. I had a good time out last night at a work event. It was deliciously catered, open bar, good company. It's a perk of my job that is killing me. The facility happened to be around the corner from M's house, and i was tempted to see if it was still boarded up, but i didn't. I was also talking to my physical therapist, turned my friend, turned my coworker. She was helping out on my floor today and she said we MUST go out soon, I should come over house, and she wants me to come on her and her boyfriends boat this summer. Her boyfriend is the PT aide who was too young for me, but i had a crush on. (before they were together) he is in the fire academy for the city FF works for right now. She told me he is always asking about me. SO maybe he can hook me up with an older single firefighter AT least it's a social life!
A spot ended up opening on the hike this sunday for the meetup I was waitlisted for. However, I agreed for my daughter to have a sleep over, so I can't go.
All I know how to do these days is wake up, get up, put my big girl panties on and do what I got to do.
