Dealing with WAH who wants his cake and eat it

[Pommy99]

Pommy do you want him to leave? Or do you just want to use asking him to leave to shake him up? If the former, then yes ask him to leave. (Understand he legally doesn't have to.) If it is the latter, then do not. Manipulation attempts like that are pressure and pursuit. And they almost always backfire.

No I guess I don’t want him to leave, i want to fix things, but I feel that a year is a long time for this indecision and cake eating. My life is on hold while he gets everything he wants. I feel like I have MUG stamped across my forehead. He is very good at keeping me close but not letting me in. Tells me we’ve never had a deeply intimate connection anyway (M 18 yrs), and so I don’t understand why he is hesitant about leaving - other than guilt, fear and convenience. He keeps telling me his gut instinct is telling him to leave, his instinct is telling him he doesn’t love/desire me. He admits it’s fear of unknown and guilt that keeps him here.

[Pommy99]

I will be happy to change your thread title if you will tell me what you want it to say.

Thank you, how about ‘dealing with WAH who wants his cake and eat it?’. What do U think? everything is such a mess I don’t know how to summarise it in one line!!

[SteveLW]

Pommy, keep DBing. Trust the process. Do so with consistency and patience. It is the best way forward.

[AnotherStander]

No I guess I don’t want him to leave, i want to fix things,

Fixing things is not an option right now. You've got to quit trying to do that, it's just putting a ton of R pressure on him.

My life is on hold while he gets everything he wants.

So quit waiting. Get out there and live your life. There's a reason we call it "standing" and not "waiting". You can live your life and get out there and have fun and do things while still standing for your M.

Tells me we’ve never had a deeply intimate connection anyway (M 18 yrs)

That's "rewriting of history", a favorite past-time of WAS's. He probably believes it for now. Eventually he'll remember differently.

and so I don’t understand why he is hesitant about leaving - other than guilt, fear and convenience. He keeps telling me his gut instinct is telling him to leave, his instinct is telling him he doesn’t love/desire me. He admits it’s fear of unknown and guilt that keeps him here.

You say you don't understand, yet he already told you! Fear of the unknown, and guilt. I hope that you look at those and say to yourself "no, that's not good enough." Because you are worth far more than that. He has no respect for you right now. You need to get it back.

[Pommy99]

Fixing things is not an option right now. You've got to quit trying to do that, it's just putting a ton of R pressure on him.

.ok, that does make sense. in October we went a whole month without talking about the R (after he said he wanted to leave). We got closer, we got intimate weekly, I took up a new hobby (rock climbing) that he said he wanted to try with me. But then it went down hill again in early Nov and has been in free fall since.

So quit waiting. Get out there and live your life. There's a reason we call it "standing" and not "waiting". You can live your life and get out there and have fun and do things while still standing for your M.

I guess because I only see him 4/7 days I’ve been keeping my weekends free to spend with him. I used to spend at least 4 hrs every Sat or Sun cycling with friends but I’ve stopped those long rides in preference for spending time with him. I’m planning on a long ride tomorrow with friends

That's "rewriting of history", a favorite past-time of WAS's. He probably believes it for now. Eventually he'll remember differently.

. yes , I’ve had all of that talk of our entire marriage being a farce, and I’ve never been this or that (like I’ve never been girly enough, e.g getting my nails done (Me: “I had my nails done permanently for about 3 years until last Xmas! I guess you never noticed” (or should I have validated at that point )

You say you don't understand, yet he already told you! Fear of the unknown, and guilt. I hope that you look at those and say to yourself "no, that's not good enough." Because you are worth far more than that. He has no respect for you right now. You need to get it back.

. Thank you, I only want him back if his goal is to let me be his wife, because he wants me, not because he is scared of leaving. I already told him that guilt and fear are not valid reasons to stay.

[Pommy99]

Pommy, keep DBing. Trust the process. Do so with consistency and patience. It is the best way forward.

Re detaching and DBing, how do,I deal,with affection? what do I do at bedtime, he always kisses and cuddles me? Do I steer clear? When I keep my distance, like I did over Xmas after i uncovered all the lies about the OW, He pursues. And I usually let him in. What if he tries to initiate sex? (Unlikely but he did when I went distant over Xmas - do I knock him back? ).

[SteveLW]

Pommy, keep DBing. Trust the process. Do so with consistency and patience. It is the best way forward.

Re detaching and DBing, how do,I deal,with affection? what do I do at bedtime, he always kisses and cuddles me? Do I steer clear? When I keep my distance, like I did over Xmas after i uncovered all the lies about the OW, He pursues. And I usually let him in. What if he tries to initiate sex? (Unlikely but he did when I went distant over Xmas - do I knock him back? ).

The rule on affection is easy:

Never initiate it. If he does, you can reciprocate but only do so IF you can so without attaching any meaning or expectations to it. Lots of WASs/WSs use affection to reel their Plan B back in.

One other rule on sex: only give in if he initiates IF you are 100% certain there is no PA. And if there was a PA in the past that he has been tested for STDs SINCE it has ended. You have to protect your health.

[AnotherStander]

in October we went a whole month without talking about the R (after he said he wanted to leave).

I know it seems like a long time but a month is a blip on the radar. When we talk about these things we're talking about performing them for a year or more before it might have an impact on him.

I guess because I only see him 4/7 days I’ve been keeping my weekends free to spend with him. I used to spend at least 4 hrs every Sat or Sun cycling with friends but I’ve stopped those long rides in preference for spending time with him. I’m planning on a long ride tomorrow with friends

Perfect! That's what you should do. Plan activities without him. He fired you as wife, you're no longer responsible for keeping him entertained. We use the boss analogy sometimes, if your boss fired you and then a week later called and wanted you to do something for them, and/or set aside your personal time in case they wanted to do something with you, what would your response be? Probably the middle finger, LOL!

yes , I’ve had all of that talk of our entire marriage being a farce, and I’ve never been this or that (like I’ve never been girly enough, e.g getting my nails done (Me: “I had my nails done permanently for about 3 years until last Xmas! I guess you never noticed” (or should I have validated at that point

Some things you don't validate. When people ask about situations like this (blatant rewriting of history and how to respond) I usually reply that the best response is no response. Simply look at him like a weird eyeball or small hand or something just sprouted in the middle of his forehead. Like you're completely mystified at what just came out of his mouth. Then maybe shake your head slowly and leave the room.

Thank you, I only want him back if his goal is to let me be his wife, because he wants me, not because he is scared of leaving. I already told him that guilt and fear are not valid reasons to stay.

Great! He may very well get there some day, if he does then he will approach you with real regret and remorse, and it will look a lot different than how he's been approaching you.

Re detaching and DBing, how do,I deal,with affection? what do I do at bedtime, he always kisses and cuddles me? Do I steer clear? When I keep my distance, like I did over Xmas after i uncovered all the lies about the OW, He pursues. And I usually let him in. What if he tries to initiate sex? (Unlikely but he did when I went distant over Xmas - do I knock him back? ).

What Steve said mirrors what Michele says in DR. Personally I would recommend cutting him off though. No kissing, no cuddling, no sex. If he pushes for it then just say "given our current situation I really don't feel comfortable with that." Right now he's engaging in heaping helpings of cake-eating. He won't ever learn to miss you as long as it continues. He sees himself as high value and you as extremely low value, like you are blessed just to be in his vicinity. His perception needs adjustment. So you put him on notice that the cake-eating is going to stop. He'll probably pout like a little kid. But this is to protect you, and to communicate to him through actions that this isn't going to play out like he has planned. Then you GAL like crazy. This raises your value in his eyes. You are not the loser pathetically waiting at home for him that he expects. You're leaving the house looking hot, and doing who knows what. You're happy! How can this be? It'll make him question his perception.

[Pommy99]

AnotherStander.... so much made me smile in your post . Especially the bit about pouting! (Yes I have seen that one!) . I’ve also had several episodes where he has feared I will walk away but has charmed me back in with proclamations of love/desire. I always fall for it. I feel like a puppet that gets picked up and played with, then dropped back in the toy box when it suits.

I feel a lot more in control this last few weeks in some respects, after the lies, and being bold enough to calmly ask him to leave (even if I’m not sure I meant it, it was a considered response to the situation and not an angry reaction). But my god the emotional pain and anxiety is intense. GAL can feel draining when you’re already drained but I’m working on it. (I’ve got a whole weekend planned without him, but I’ve let him know he’s welcome to join me for certain things if he wants. I know I’ll hit the floor again on Tuesday when he goes away but will just have to deal with that next week)

[Pommy99]

H went out for ‘quick drink’ at 7pm last night (after working away most of week) , came home smashed 6 hrs later. Dont have an issue with him going out but a courtesy txt would’ve been nice, esp since the pub is 5 mins walk and closes at 11.30. I vented to my friend on WhatsApp for an hour as I was quite angry as usually he would always txt if he was going to be late. He was affectionate when he got home but I didn’t reciprocate, just calmly asked if he’d had a nice evening . More affection this morning but again I held back, Then he pursued me around the bedroom and we ended up.... ugh I’m a bit mad at myself as I feel weak that I couldn’t say no, as I still have in the back of my mind what he said on Monday that he wants to fix things and sex has been an issue for him, and I’m still trying to work out how to detach but not push him away .