"what do we tell our friends, they'll ask?" (if in a situation when we were all invited to friend's)
Since some friends sense there's issues in our R and likely my oldest D does to - I'm a bit sensitive to how I may be portrayed in this sitch. These people don't know about her awful behavior, yet.
Why give someone who portrays you negatively, the responsibility and control of relaying your message? "I'll talk to D", "I already talked to D", "I'll talk to our friend", "I already talked to our friend." If in some case the message doesn't matter to you at all--she's like "What do I tell the Barista?", then just "Up to you. :)"
It is kinda important that your D feel comfortable with your comings and goings. When I go somewhere when my D is home, she knows how to reach me, and when I'll return. She often asks where I'm going.
I agree with all of that.
The examples I gave were times when I have made last minute decisions to go out and my kids were in bed already or my family was on their way over to our friends' house and I'm not home yet, etc.
I just want to call a better audible in those kind of impromptu moments that isn't deceitful or somehow frightening for my children should they wake up or ask my wife a lot of questions which they certainly will do. At the same time, it is really none of her business what I'm doing.
When I do already have advanced plans, I definitely let my kids know ahead of time.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
The examples I gave were times when I have made last minute decisions to go out and my kids were in bed already
Single parent a decade--never done that. My S can always come running to me, for example, if he has nightmares or there's a storm. Do last-minute late night plans come up often? I sometimes leave before they're up for a breakfast run. In that case I leave them a note. That could work here? I like leaving little notes to my kids. I add a "To S, <3 Dada", sometimes I embellish it with rays around it.
The examples I gave were times when I have made last minute decisions to go out and my kids were in bed already
Single parent a decade--never done that. I wouldn't want my kids to worry about my whereabouts in the middle of the night. Do last-minute late night plans come up often? I sometimes leave before they're up for a breakfast run. In that case I leave them a note and they know from experience I'm always back soon.
I hope you're not reading that I'm leaving kids home alone. I still life with my W. If I'm going out that night, she's there. I'd never leave them home alone.
Last minute decisions have happened a few times since I've tried DBing more - i.e. W will get a text from our neighbors inviting our family over for dinner. I then get the invite from her. But, I'm not home from work yet. When she gets these invites, she often will just say "yes" for the whole family. Pre-BD, this was no problem.
Her saying "yes" on our behalf strikes me as blatant cake-eating by having the full family together for these things. I don't want her assuming that she can do this anymore. So, yes, I've called some audibles to do something else while they go together.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
I hope you're not reading that I'm leaving kids home alone. I still life with my W. If I'm going out that night, she's there. I'd never leave them home alone.
No, I didn't infer you left them home alone. PS - I DO leave my kids alone sometimes!
Just suggesting 1) a cute, handwritten note takes just a minute and directly tells your little ones you're thinking about them and how they can reach you, and 2) I'd aim to disappear in the middle of the night no more than your "partner", so your kids can rely on you equally in the middle of the night.
I hope you're not reading that I'm leaving kids home alone. I still life with my W. If I'm going out that night, she's there. I'd never leave them home alone.
No, I didn't infer you left them home alone. PS - I DO leave my kids alone sometimes!
Just suggesting 1) a cute, handwritten note takes just a minute and directly tells your little ones you're thinking about them and how they can reach you, and 2) I'd aim to disappear in the middle of the night no more than your "partner", so your kids can rely on you equally in the middle of the night.
Gotcha. Good points there. I like the notes ideas. It’s been tricky navigating the GAL at night. The kids know about me going to the gym after they go to bed midweek and have no problem with that.
My W really has toned down her night events - which were almost always midweek right after work: “catching up on some work” or “work group dinners.” Since she knows I’m very suspicious of her, I believe she’s taken her A deeper underground by having their encounters early in the morning or immediately after work. The occasional really late nights occurred leading up to the BD.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
Here's the thing, RVM, you have a lot of fear that you've got to let go. You fear you are going to be seen as the bad guy by your kids, friends, family, etc. That fear prevents you from standing up for yourself. BTW, standing up for yourself is not the same as being defensive.
Imagine your W as a schoolyard bully. How much good is going to do to have a conversation with the bully about how you feel, or try to defend yourself? Talks do no good. So, what can you do to stop the bullying?
First of all, you have to overcome your fear, or else do it (whatever it is) in spite of being afraid. Next, you have to know how far you are willing to go, in order to protect yourself emotionally. You have to decide how important self respect is to you. How important is your kids respect for you? How important is your W's respect for you?
If you knew she would never stop saying things in front of the kids (or others), what would you do? Would you give up and continue to live in it? Would you decide to separate or divorce? You have to determine how valuable self respect is to you. When you figure out how valuable your self respect is, then I think half the battle will be won, b/c you will walk & talk like a confident man who doesn't take stuff off anyone.
Since you've already told her that you won't tolerate her saying disrespectful things in front of the kids, the next step is deciding what you'll do. Walking out of the room isn't very effective, since the kids are watching, b/c they just see mom getting away disrespecting dad.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you knew she would never stop saying things in front of the kids (or others), what would you do? Would you give up and continue to live in it? Would you decide to separate or divorce? You have to determine how valuable self respect is to you. When you figure out how valuable your self respect is, then I think half the battle will be won, b/c you will walk & talk like a confident man who doesn't take stuff off anyone.
These are all the questions I battle daily. I very much realize that I have to draw the line and establish clear consequences. I guess I need some advice on appropriate consequences. I've tried confronting her/walking out of the room at times, but those don't hold any water nor do they look great in front of anyone.
I do feel like I have to set a deadline on when I've had enough; time to file for divorce and move completely forward with my life.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
It sounds as if you've struggled with disrespect for quite some time. Do you have this type of problem with anyone else.......like, co-workers or family members (other than your W)? Verbal disrespect comes in all shapes & sizes. For example, let's say you are at the workplace, and a co-worker makes a jab at you. If you happen to react with a little anger, then the offender tells you to loosen up and that it was just a joke. Here's what I notice. It's usually the same offender that takes every opportunity to make a jab. It gets really old, and can make you dread going to work, or wherever it happens. That's why it is comparable to a schoolyard bully, IMHO. When it gets bad enough, it makes your life miserable.
Some people are gifted with a quick comeback that can put the offender in his/her place, but then some people don't know what to say or do........until later when thinking it over for the ninety-ninth time.
Confidence is key! If you have a lot of male confidence, others can tell, just by the way you walk, talk, etc. Male confidence is the number one trait that attracts women (so I've read). When dealing with verbal disrespect from your W, it's important to draw all you can from that confidence, b/c when you need to be firm.........you'll need to appear as a man of strength/courage.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It sounds as if you've struggled with disrespect for quite some time. Do you have this type of problem with anyone else.......like, co-workers or family members (other than your W)? Verbal disrespect comes in all shapes & sizes.
No, not at all. And, this only started when she became wayward. It's not a daily occurrence. My W also has had a history of making these judgy/bossy/petty-critical types of comments to all people who've become really close to her - the kids, her family. They all recognize it as one of her traits.
I've never had a problem with quick, witty comebacks. In fact, that's one thing I've always been really good at. But, when all the red flags were raised about a possible A, plus all the spewing that seemingly came out of nowhere, I was thrown back and not sure how to respond.
Once I got more footing, I did make comebacks, and sometimes mine were unfortunately really nasty as I reacted too quickly rather than just responded with a quiet, confident rebuff - which I am getting better at.
Since this is my W and mother of my children and not just some friend or family member I could more easily distance myself from physically and emotionally, I've struggled on how to deal with these situations.
What I really want are examples of consequences people on this forum have used in similar situations.
Last edited by RVM; 03/10/2009:43 PM.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
I had my second IC session yesterday and it went so-so.
We rehashed our first session, going over the details of our R that have caused me a lot of stress and anxiety over the past year. He mentioned that even though there’s overwhelming amount of red flags to indicate that she is probably having an A, that I should still be open to the possibility that she is not.
I understood what he was saying, but I reiterated that even if that were true, I’ve discovered many lies she’s told and some clear attempts to manipulate, and that she also has said a few times: “we are only (parental) partners” now.
I haven’t told my W that I’ve started seeing an IC yet, but I did mention to her several months ago that I probably would. IC recommended that I casually let her know that I am to plant a seed in her mind. i.e. W is probably happy that I have distanced myself from her so she can carry on with her behaviors unimpeded. But, if she's made aware that I’m in IC, it may be a small disruption, as she'd wonder what I'm talking about.
I don’t think it will have any affect on her. She's just so uninterested in me right now. She’ll probably just spew some nonsense like: “I hope you don’t talk about me” or “you probably should, you have a lot of issues.”
What do others think here on how to let her know? She’s never been in C, and when I brought up MC months ago, she wasn’t excited about.
I’ll have to let her know anyway, just curious how I drop it in a conversation.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
