I will not allow her to talk about her day. etc............
ALLOW HER!!!! Listening to her talk about her day isn't a bad thing, it's a great moment to validate her feelings. But what you don't tolerate is her telling you about OM and their R. Her placing blame on you.
If you and her are in the kitchen together and she says, "Guess what happen today, I slipped and fell and hurt my butt" you can listen to that. You can validate that. "Oh, I sorry to hear you fell down, are you ok?". If she says, "Sandra said Mary was talking about Betsy, and she said Betsy eat paint". You can listen to that. But, if she says, " My day has been horrible, people are talking about me, and the OM". Cut bait and walk away. If she says, "I was having a hard day, the OM hasn't called me all day". Cut bait and walk away.
If she says, "I wish things were better in our M, if you would of did". In this scenario you can do one of two things IMO. You can validate, by saying, "I can see how you feel that way, but it takes two for the downfall of a M". If she gets defensive, you can say, "I respect the way you feel, and you need to respect the way I feel". If she continues with the blame. Cut bait and walk away. OR, you can just walk away when the blaming start.
I like the first option, because, It places a small nugget in her head, and shows her you are willing to stand up for yourself and not accept all the fault.
Joejoe
Going dark would mean no communication other than children. At this point I do not want to talk with her. She entered the room to talk about the investigation on her in her job. I told her initially that I didn't care to hear about it. Obviously the report she is talking about means she would be mentioning him. She continued to tell me. She was excited that there will be no repercussions on her. She then blamed my family for sending his wife a letter, (which she has no proof), and she went on to say no one at her job had any idea about what was going on and sort of rubbing it into my face that it was my fault and my families fault that the information got out. I simply said that I am glad your job will be fine but you are still guilty of committing adultery. She stormed out of the room using a few choice words after that.
So I really believe I do not need to talk to her. We need to be separated. She adamantly blames me for her affair being exposed and she holds a lot of resentment and anger toward me about it. This is all BS, maybe true about the way she feels about me, but I don't need to talk to her at all until she realizes she is to blame for her actions and what she has done to our family.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/10/2004:49 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
ALLOW HER!!!! Listening to her talk about her day isn't a bad thing, it's a great moment to validate her feelings. But what you don't tolerate is her telling you about OM and their R. Her placing blame on you.
If you and her are in the kitchen together and she says, "Guess what happen today, I slipped and fell and hurt my butt" you can listen to that. You can validate that. "Oh, I sorry to hear you fell down, are you ok?". If she says, "Sandra said Mary was talking about Betsy, and she said Betsy eat paint". You can listen to that. But, if she says, " My day has been horrible, people are talking about me, and the OM". Cut bait and walk away. If she says, "I was having a hard day, the OM hasn't called me all day". Cut bait and walk away.
If she says, "I wish things were better in our M, if you would of did". In this scenario you can do one of two things IMO. You can validate, by saying, "I can see how you feel that way, but it takes two for the downfall of a M". If she gets defensive, you can say, "I respect the way you feel, and you need to respect the way I feel". If she continues with the blame. Cut bait and walk away. OR, you can just walk away when the blaming start.
I like the first option, because, It places a small nugget in her head, and shows her you are willing to stand up for yourself and not accept all the fault.
Joejoe
P, joejoe's take, above, is a pretty good one and aptly describes how the dynamic should look... you would generally only cut off or refuse to talk about disrespectful or affair-related topics...unless you are at a place where you are going completely dark. Only you can decide if you are in that latter place or not, though it seems to me you are at least close and i tend to think you are probably in that place (going dark) where you need to be "done" with her unless she ends the A and shows some legitimate sincere remorse. Review Sandi2's threads and the DB-ing books on Last Resort, etc. Even if you ARE in that latter place, however, it does not mean you need to be a jerk or, in fact, even confrontational. For instance, she knows she is an adulteress... why throw that dart out there? All you need to do is to cut off the conversation as suggested in several of the posts above by me and others. Calling her adulteress is engaging with her, letting her bait you (and disrespect you). Next time, just calmly but firmly excuse yourself from the convo. Stay above the fray.
Let me ask you a question-- do you journal at all? I found journalling to be extremely helpful in my own sitch. It allows you to reflect on your progress, as well as on interactions with your W when they happen, and also to gauge what is and is not "working" both in terms of your own confidence and feeling good about yourself and, if it gets to that point, in terms of your W's positive and negative responses to you. Give it a try-- I did it daily. It helps you to get to the point where you, as Sandi2 says, are "doing what works." You want to do more of what "works" and less of what does not, and one of the best ways to figure that out is by trying different approaches, keeping track and reflecting.
Hope this helps... I think you are getting on the right track!
Last edited by hoosjim; 01/10/2005:23 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Let me ask you a question-- do you journal at all? I found journalling to be extremely helpful in my own sitch. It allows you to reflect on your progress, as well as on interactions with your W when they happen, and also to gauge what is and is not "working" both in terms of your own confidence and feeling good about yourself and, if it gets to that point, in terms of your W's positive and negative responses to you. Give it a try-- I did it daily. It helps you to get to the point where you, as Sandi2 says, are "doing what works." You want to do more of what "works" and less of what does not, and one of the best ways to figure that out is by trying different approaches, keeping track and reflecting.
Hope this helps... I think you are getting on the right track!
I do not journal but that makes perfect sense. I will start doing this to reflect however, I am going to "go dark". I don't think talking to her helps, I have been there and tried that for many months. Then I would discover her messaging him while in our room. For months I assumed it was just emotional and could tell in a way that she was talking to him because of information that she knew. Then I find out she went back to his home and they had sex 3 days before Christmas. This last discovery has really began to make me see her in a different way. As I looked at her last night at the game I began to feel disgusted. I have not yet had this feeling up until now. I am beginning to see that beauty means absolutely nothing and that i deserve better. I think the most important concept here is to get stronger and be more confident for myself so that I don't allow anyone to disrespect me. Self-respect brings confidence and attraction back to an individual.
Last edited by job; 01/10/2005:53 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
