Today was rough. Like I struggled at work rough. I just can’t shake the sadness from the feeling that my marriage is over. That he didn’t even try. And that all of this is against my will. Thankfully he’s out tonight.
We carried everything together. Honestly at home he still carries his weight. 50/50 with out me asking. I mean I guess those are reasons why I still love him and why I think he deserves me to wait him out a bit. But why he still deserves me. I don't know. The person who left work, picked up my daughter and drove 4 hours to be by my side while my mother took her last breath deserves me. This person that I'm living with right now, the person that lies, and runs, and imploded our lives because he felt unfulfilled and won't even make a half hearted attempt at saving our marriage, I don't know that that guy deserves me at all.
My heart aches with you. I have similar feelings with my H also. I don’t believe my H is no longer that person he was in the past, but it is really like what others have said- it’s like the old H was abducted by aliens. Whether old H will return or not, I am prepared to know that he will probably different. I am different. Meanwhile it’s up to us whether we want to wait for the aliens to return our Hs back to earth.
I’m just nodding along with both of you, wayfarer and Woosa. Wayfarer, I’m sorry you had an especially rough day. I know these feelings too. I hope tomorrow is better. The sadness comes and goes for me.
Honestly one of the best things about this dumpster fire of a situation is knowing I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. That I'm not the only one who feels/felt like their spouse was body snatched. Cardinal and Woosa you don't know how much it means to know I'm not the only one aching, angry, and anxious in turn.
And thank you Cardinal. Today is already better day. Today I'm GALing my ever shrinking butt off. My friend scored some VIP tickets to a fun female focused event and the cocktail hour before hand. I'm so ready to be in a room full of rowdy empowered women, lol. That's who I was pre-depression, pre-grief, and pre-BD. I miss her, that person I used to be, sometimes a lot more than I miss him.
This weekend has been a bit of an eye opener. I saw a psychic and it’s so silly but it made such a difference in my attitude. She was basically quoting DR to me while laying cards and it was one of the most validating things I’ve ever had happen to me. Detaching is getting easier and easier. I haven’t checked up on his social media or the phone bill in days and I don’t care to. He was gone for hours I didn’t panic. I miss him desperately in this bed at night but damn near every other time of the day, him and his whirlwind of crazy rarely take the forefront of my mind. I just feel more at ease. Less intense. It’s a good feeling.
As awful as this whole thing has been, and even though I still don’t know what the out come will be, this disaster is starting to feel like a blessing in growth for me. I’ve been waiting around for him for so long I forgot about me. I’ve been living in depression for so long I forgot about me. This has given me an opportunity to fast forward my recovery from depression. Jump starting my life has been huge in staying mentally healthy. But bigger still are the lessons I’m being forced into here. I’m A type. Painfully A type. And this have been one of the hardest exercises in patience and letting go that I’ve ever experienced. But approaching the challenge everyday has been one of the major things carrying me through this hit mess. I know with or without him I’m getting to the other side of this a better person.
wayfarer, as LBSs we all romanticize how great our relationship was before BD. In truth, often times we were just as unhappy, maybe even more so, than the WAS was. This is why it is important to have the attitude that the old MR is DEAD. And that if you do R with your spouse that it will be MR 2.0. That you refuse to settle for the dynamic in the original MR because that will be short-lived and you will be headed for BD #2.
In fact, I lived that. My W had her first EA in 2005. I made changes, required nothing of her (other than end the EA). We shortly thereafter settled into our old normal. After about 2 years, things deteriorated even further until BD#2 just 2 years ago. While it took 12 years, eventually enough factors (less than ideal MR, same ol' problems before, W hitting a milestone age, etc) converged to trigger BD#2, in the midst of another EA on her part.
So you are on the right path. You need to become a better wayfarer....and then require changes of him before you'd agree to MR 2.0. And while that scares many LBSs, there is so much power in this. As other posters like to say, you will never be more attractive than when you are walking away! So tell him what it will take for you accept him back, when and if the time comes (I am not suggesting you start a R talk, but be ready if and he he does).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't understand what's happening.I don't know if this guy is bread crumbing me or what? And I'm trying to just let it ride but his behavior is odd, even for the alien. We spoke maybe 3 sentences to each other from Friday-Yesterday if it wasn't about the kids or the house. One of which was him asking when I got in Friday night after going out. But left it after I said "I don't know like 3." Yesterday he engaged me in a convo about my step-D, which all I said was "oh good, thank you for telling her to take the bus i'm heading to the gym after work" which he then turned into an entire conversation about the gym, and the luck he's had with certain locations being more empty than others and what times are best. Told him I was going to try a new location near my job that neither of us have ever been to. But would try his suggested location last night and new location later this week. End of convo. Ran into an old friend at the gym got home like 45 min later than I had said I would be. He was already "out to dinner." Was gone until I'm not totally sure. After I went to bed. 8:45 this morning texts me about the gym location I wanted to try. Said he went there this morning. Gave me all the details about the space and about parking. Like these are conversations we have? We didn't even talk about this kinda of nuanced crap when we were fine. He sure as hell wasn't reconning gym locations for me. I swear to god, if I wasn't a responsible adult, I'd be day drinking right now.
It seems like he is trying to make sure you are still there. Making up convos about non threatening, light hearted things to see if you will still respond. I'm guilty of doing this too. When you're in a crisis situation with someone you've spent a good amount of your life with, you have this inner need to stay in contact. I would almost guarantee you that his messages are driven by anxiety from not speaking with you. Stay light, friendly, detached - if you respond at all. I would try to ignore responding for a time as well. Don't jump at the bait the second he reaches out. Good luck! I know it can be infuriating and confusing all at the same time.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
I'm desperately trying to detach and not over analyze but we're on to day 2 of him doing this, whatever this is. I went out last night. I was very clear I was going to dinner with our neighbor. But I let her come home with out me. We live in a large duplex. So when she came home he'd know. She's the upstairs neighbor. After she went back home. I went to meet a different friend at the bar she works at. It was dead so I had some coffee and just chit chatted. But I wanted to make sure I was out just as late as he was Tuesday. I get home around midnight he's not there. But the TV was still on in the living room/his current bedroom. My D 17 was confused when I asked when he left thinking the promise of feeding the kids and spending time with them was all abandoned to go "out." He was dozing watching TV after 11 according to her. He did take them out for dinner. Had an extra kid with them, one of the girl's friends. Picked the friend up and dropped her off. Apparently had an amazing night with the kids. But wasn't there when I got home. This is the real kicker. Other than the 8:45am very short text exchange he and I had yesterday we didn't speak once. 9:45am today I get a text about how he got 15lbs of bacon and he'll be dividing and freezing it, oh and he'll make BLT's for dinner. I've let it sit so far. I'll respond eventually. But what is going on!? Seriously. If he were a jerk all the time this would all be so much easier.
Ever hear the the Supremes' song "Keep Me Hangin' On"? THAT is what he is doing. He wants to make sure Plan B is still solidly in place.
Why are you going to respond to his informational text? That shows him you are still hangin' on.
Text rule:
If the text is informational, do not respond. If the text is a direct question, respond in your own time (not alway right away), but in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
He felt your starting to detach and is breadcrumbing you back.............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
