Even statements like: "I do not think you should move out. Ever. But I can't stop you from doing so." Are better than saying "Yes I agree" to something that you do not agree to.
Stay strong wayfarer. Learn. Grow. Don't try to fix him, just focus on you.
Steve that is exactly what I needed in my pocket and I needed the encouragement too.
I'm a quick study I've already been working on validating. Just read a whole bunch on the board about it. It's deflecting that I need more practice with. Trial by fire I suppose.
Our kids are teens. I could come up with something if I really wanted to, but a part of me just wants to get this over with. This is the first time he's flat out said he wants the divorce. So I think he needs me to hear him, even though I really don't want to.
Hey Sandy I think you may have missed some information. We have been married short of 3 years and together for 7. I did know him before actually for a while we were friends for a few years before we ever started dating. 2 single parents who never were single single at the same time. And then it happened and we clicked. however if there was a specific trigger, I couldn't tell you. My mother died at the age of 54 in 2018. He'd never been that close to death before. He had his 15th anniversary at his job this fall. He can't keep weight off like he used to. Our kids are very close to leaving the nest. We each had our kids super young so even though we're in our mid to late 30s we're behind on life and I've been pushing to be less behind. More saving. Looking for homes. Retirement financial planning. That kind of stuff.
He is an attention seeker, period. Women, men, every one. He wants everyone to like him and find him entertaining and good company.
He did not ask for an open marriage. I did. And I did so because it truly is an option.Even if I wasn't 100% serious about it when I suggested it. I mostly suggested it to see where he was at. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with that. He was very clear that me being touched by any one else while we were married was unacceptable. Granted he's allowed to come and go as he pleases....
I've been through DR and all of the newbie links. I read fervently because it's the only real control I have over any of this. I've been struggling with detachment but I've been doing relatively well with it with a few hurdles. And doubling down on my 180 and GALing.
Honestly I'm wondering if this "talk" has come out of the wood work because I have been living my life. I have been giving him the space he wants, not asking questions about where he is or what he's doing. I don't reach out unless a kid needs a ride or household business. I don't complain preach or ask for much of anything unless it's something I absolutely can't accomplish on my own.
Our kids are teens. I could come up with something if I really wanted to, but a part of me just wants to get this over with. This is the first time he's flat out said he wants the divorce. So I think he needs me to hear him, even though I really don't want to.
We refer to this as the illusion of needing to do something. Often times the best thing to do is nothing.
Be advised, these R talks rarely, if ever, go well for the LBS. This is why we say to avoid them, and to certainly not start them. Just keep that in mind.
Hang in there wayfarer. Remember, marathon, not a sprint.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It went about as poorly and well as I anticipated. He wants to move out in April. There’s nothing left in the marriage to save. He’s not in love with me any more. And he can’t invest himself in this relationship. I said I understand he feels that way and I’m sorry that he feels so desperately that he needs out. And that, that isn’t under pretty much any circumstances what I would want, but I can’t make him love me or stay. When I further inquired about his plan to set up a second household for him and his daughter I got a very deer in the headlights look. Followed by well I’ll put a deposit down on an apartment. When I asked where he’d sleep and where they’d sit, blank stare. “I’ll figure it out.” Ok. So I follow up with ok so if you leave in April what’s the time line you were thinking about filing? And are you thinking divorce or legal separation? Deer in the head lights. “Can we maybe think about that after I move out?” I tell him sure absolutely. I informed him that I will do my best to keep this amicable and assist in dividing things in the household but I’m not planning his leaving me and he needs to figure this out in detail if this is what he wants. I’m not A typing myself all over him walking away from the marriage. He said he understood. He also said he doesn’t want to set a date just yet to talk to the girls about moving out. Maybe when he’s ready to start dividing things up. I also told him that I’ve been putting things in motion in my life to be able to live with out him but I won’t be solvent in maintaining where we live until June of this year (a raise and some other things line up at that time) so if he’s leaving in April I’d need some, not a ton of assistance in April and May. He was not happy. I said you are choosing to leave me. I’m not trying to blackmail you but I’m not putting myself out because of the arbitrary timeline you’ve created. I’m not asking you stay until June. I’m asking that if you want to go before I can afford it that you do the right thing.
I know not every thing I said was above board DB wise but I kept my emotions in check and my wits about me so fit me that was a win.
I want to be mad and cry. But I can’t. I just feel annoyed and inconvenienced. I don’t know if I’m telling myself it won’t happen because it’s so far out. Or if I really am just not emotionally invested in him staying here infinitely doing whatever he wants when he wants.
Remember, these are all words. My wife had big plans like this too. She never picked a time but she was very clear: she was getting a job, an apartment and a divorce.
No follow through. Based on his lack of answers I'm guessing he'll still be there come June. But that's a guess.
Do you have an inkling at all of there being someone else? The fantasy is really strong with him. Does he really think he'll not have to pay support?
If he does start to follow through I highly suggest a getting a lawyer to draw up a separation agreement for the support.
Overall, it sounds like you handled it well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
There is an OW. With a live in boyfriend. When he suggested money will be tight so he’ll see what he could do I asked if he’s sure it’ll be that bad because I assumed he’d have a “roommate.” He continues to insist that I’ve blown his EA out of proportion. It’s not like that. He’s just not happy in our marriage. And while their friendship is inappropriate he’s not asking he to leave her bf, because they are just friends.
The fantasy is insanely strong. He thinks we can be friends if this all ends the way he wants it to.
There is an OW. With a live in boyfriend. When he suggested money will be tight so he’ll see what he could do I asked if he’s sure it’ll be that bad because I assumed he’d have a “roommate.” He continues to insist that I’ve blown his EA out of proportion. It’s not like that. He’s just not happy in our marriage. And while their friendship is inappropriate he’s not asking he to leave her bf, because they are just friends.
The fantasy is insanely strong. He thinks we can be friends if this all ends the way he wants it to.
Yes, so much like my W. She had this all worked out. I'd keep the house, her apartment would be nearby. She'd still have a key so she could help with the dogs. She'd come over and play house occasionally by making us dinner. Or she would have me over there to have dinner with D14 (at the time).
When I told her I'd be selling the house and potentially moving in with a buddy, she was incredulous. Until I pointed out that it wasn't fair to think she could move on with her life but expected me to remain stuck, that I would be moving on with my life too.
This was all because she had decided she wanted to sleep with other people. She never followed through with it but that was her underlying motivation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I keep thinking about the thing you said about keeping his plan B firmly in place. It feels like he wants out a) because he's avoidant as it is but b) because he can pursue the OW the way he wants to with a place of his own, but if we don't file anything then his plan B is still secure enough.
He knows if he chooses divorce the second the papers are signed I will cut him and any one in his periphery out of my life. Minus his daughter. She will always be welcome in my home and with me. So I'm not sure why he keeps pushing the friends thing.
Early in this mess, weeks ago, is when he brought up the friends thing the first time, and I said on what planet am I going to be friends with my ex H that I have no children with? I'm only cordial enough with the father of my child out of obligation. I don't go backwards with exes. (He has a history of dating a girl multiple times, and it failing multiple times; OW is someone he dated 10 years ago for a few months) I am the type to keep trying until there's no more try left in me, so when I'm done I'm done. He brought the friends thing up again last night with a qualifier of "I know not right away. I know it'll take some time. I know how you are." There's like this weird anticipation that he can keep this door open no matter how much I say if this ends in divorce there is no friends option.
I'm trying to stay optimistic that none of this will come to fruition. That maybe I'll get lucky and he'll start coming to by April or just not be committed enough to stick to his plan. But if I'm really honest with myself I don't know that I'll be entirely devastated to see him move out. The constant push and pull he's putting me through day to day is mentally and emotionally exhausting the physical distance might be nice.
wayfarer.......just an observation. A guy that likes to "keep the door open" with exes? That is a HUGE red-flag. If you were someone I knew and you told me the guy you were planning on marrying was still friends with his exes I would have warned you that there is a highly likelihood that he will cheat on you one day.
"He brought the friends thing up again last night with a qualifier of "I know not right away. I know it'll take some time. I know how you are." There's like this weird anticipation that he can keep this door open no matter how much I say if this ends in divorce there is no friends option."
This will be important: stop saying it and when the time comes just do it. He sounds like the type that will occasionally ping you after D "just to see how you are doing". Your actions in that will be extremely important. Personally, I would not even respond to those kinds of things. And would block his email address, phone #, social media or whatever communication mode he is using at the point.
wayfarer, can I ask a question? Why does this guy still deserve you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, you clearly would've been right. But he was a different man with me than the 20 something version of himself. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous and so child like. However, his family and his friends said and say so. He was an adult responsible version of himself they hadn't really seen before. So I naively accepted that I was special or different. And the fact that I was the longest relationship he had ever been in made me think that was true until it wasn't
As far as deserves. Prior to all this, he was my best friend. He was the yang to my yin. He felt like home immediately. We have similar up bringing. Similar interests but not to similar so that we could enjoy things together and apart and open each others mind. Similar work ethic. What I thought were similar goals and values. It all fell into place like it was always supposed to be this way. I honestly kept pulling away in the beginning because it made me nervous how easy everything was when I knew how problematic he could be. He pursued me in a way no other man had. When we got serious he was my partner and was my equal in our home. We carried everything together. Honestly at home he still carries his weight. 50/50 with out me asking. I mean I guess those are reasons why I still love him and why I think he deserves me to wait him out a bit. But why he still deserves me. I don't know. The person who left work, picked up my daughter and drove 4 hours to be by my side while my mother took her last breath deserves me. This person that I'm living with right now, the person that lies, and runs, and imploded our lives because he felt unfulfilled and won't even make a half hearted attempt at saving our marriage, I don't know that that guy deserves me at all.
