Which is all the more reason to throw the Hail Mary pass at this point. Make him experience the divorce before it happens. NO CONTACT except in your case simple logistics of picking up and dropping up the kid. No talking about cute anecdotes, no letting him in to play daddy with you there, none of that. I do agree that most of them are not sure, mine included, and they'll throw you a little here and there to make sure you're locked in as plan B. Mine signed me up for his company's health insurance for 2020 a week after filing the D in November. WTF. I can't be on there if we are divorced. There is tremendous personal power and relief in letting go. Go on Youtube and look up Jill Scherer's video about the Unstoppable Power of Letting Go.
BTW: DejaV66: In your situation, there was an OW involved. That is a different animal. The generalizations you made in that post are in large part your projecting your situation onto others which are quite different. No shade intended here, just that pronouncements such as the ones you made are not helpful. Every one is different.
Newbie.. I’m confused because when I read your response, it appears that we are recommending the same thing. I think you misread my post.
Btw... I’m not projecting anything. 95% of the time there is an OP involved. I’ve read hundreds of sitchs and threads and watched it play out time and time again. So many people come on here certain there is no OP involved and then three to six months later they find out different. I was one of those people. Everyone on here told me to prepare myself for that discovery and I am glad I took their advice even though I still didn’t believe it. They also told me, regardless of an OP or not, I needed to move forward, drop expectations, GAL like crazy, detach and get out of his way because nothing I did to try to change his mind would bring him back if he had truly decided he was done. I needed to let him go to get me back. If I hadn’t done that, and instead I had hung my hopes on everything he said and did that looked like he might possibly change his mind, I am confident I would still be a mess today... and also still divorced.
Not trying to be a downer. I would love nothing more than for the new people on here to have a different ending than I did. I really would. I just know it is unlikely...especially if the things they do are done to try to get their S back. Letting go...really letting go...is the only way to truly get through this.
I am sorry to read your recent posts ... first I would like to address Newbie and DV6 and I am sorry to hijack. I hope we can put it to rest. I agree that in most of these sitches there is an OP involved. If I recall in HopeCA sitch there was an A and it fizzled out at some point. Perhaps she or another A is still in the picture? We cannot know for sure. Either way, the general DB principles are the same. When I read Dv6s reply, I thought it was awesome. Did she project? Maybe, or maybe not. I actually think that we all slightly project and it is impossible to avoid! I am so guilty of this! We come here only having our own experiences to draw from. Newbie, perhaps something she posted triggered you and was off putting to you? Or perhaps you just have a different style of posting? I think either way, we all have to be mindful in the way we disagree with one another and it is only worth doing if someone says something harmful. I also saw you both sending the same message of love and concern for her. If we publicly disagree with one another, I fear it can take away from the posters original need for support. It can also prevent other readers from posting for fear of being called out.
Hope,
My heart ached for you when I read your last couple posts! I think you have maintained hope all along with him, as he has mostly been kind to you and recently enjoyed family time as well. I also have read that he is ambivalent and perhaps confused, but he is still pressing forward with the D. I am not sure what that means, but I think you might need to simply take it at face value. It is very, very hard to spend time with them and not have expectations. Those expectations are what makes acceptance and detachment so much more difficult. You speak about that family time reminding him of what he is missing and that is one way to look at it. The other way to look at it is that he sees more of your vulnerability and that you are plan B. I am not saying either perspective is better, but I think you know I lean towards the latter of the two.
So where do you go from here? .... Girl, I know you know what to do! (((Hope))) You are just scared to let go! I wholeheartedly believe in you! .... Have you ever had a broken heart before? Didn't it feel like it would never heal? But it did. And it will. .... In fact, I would venture to say that once you make this leap, and let go of him and all expectations, that you will find so much relief. You so, so deserve some relief. It's like your soul has been held captive and you can finally set it free. And it might happen quickly and faster than you even imagine. ... Perhaps you are the cause of your own pain? Have you ever thought about that? By holding on to hope so tight, perhaps you have created your own disappointments and that is actually what is holding you back?
The beautiful thing is that you, and only you, has the power to let go. I believe that once you do, you might be flooded with relief, and then your healing will begin. I have so much faith in you. All of the other day to day interactions, and paperwork, don't really make a difference once you set your heart free.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
In this situation, there have been many moments where I’ve wanted to let go, but I was afraid to because I was scared I might miss my chance to keep my family intact if I let go and gave up too soon. At this point, I finally, truly do feel that I have done all I could. You are all correct: my H has me locked in his mind as a solid plan B. He had asked me to call him last night to talk (once again, roping me in). I knew better this time and did not have expectations, though my hope rose slightly, and my curiosity was piqued. We talked for a while, and it was more of the same confusing, waffling, vague stuff from him. It became very clear that I’m Plan B. He talked about how this is “just a piece of paper” (??) and “nothing is going to change much” (???????) and he’s conflicted, etc etc etc. I honestly have no idea what the point of that talk was or why he wanted to have it. Blu, I think you are right, about it all. I do not want to be plan b for anyone. And I do not want to hang on so tightly anymore. I have been terrified to let go. Terrified. For so many reasons. I’ve been afraid that it meant letting go of hope. I think I needed to feel like I had tried until the end. And I do feel that way. It is absolutely time to let go; I can say that with absolute certainty for the first time at this point. If my hope for R disappears as a result, then so be it. If hope can exist somewhere parallel to full acceptance and release of this situation, so be it. But it’s time.
I think my past attempts at letting go have been thwarted by my fear that I would somehow give H the wrong idea or give him fuel for his fire. Im ready to accept it if those are the results. When I think of him saying last night that nothing ls going to change with this divorce, I’m frustrated at myself that I didn’t correct him. He is wrong. I was honestly stunned to hear him saying that, and I regret not setting him straight. I’m contemplating whether I should, for my own piece of mind, find a time to communicate that directly.
For now though, I’m spending time confronting my fears and anxieties and sadness head on. I’m not done crying, I won’t pretend to be done being sad or sacred or anxious about this. But I’m focused on gentle acceptance. This is happening. This. Is. Happening. It is not in my hands and I can finally, actually accept that truth. It may not sound like much, but it’s a big step for me.
I am in the same place as you. In my case, the waiting period has passed and he can go down anytime now and finish this marriage off. I had some last business I had to do with him yesterday and I held it together and did it. Still has the frigging wedding ring on. That I will never get. I bit the bullet and sent him a list of accounts he will have to switch to his name whenever he does that. And now I am done. It was so painful talking to him and seeing him that I don't want to do it anymore. I'm on my island of going dark and I'm staying there until he either does it or wants to talk about R. I'n not done crying either. It's 31 years in my case. Luckily, there aren't any kids to deal with.
I've found that going to a divorce group is somewhat helpful. It took awhile to do it because that required admitting it was going to happen. I have found a good podcast that helps. Google is your friend in that regard.
I wish we knew each other. It would be nice to talk to someone in the same situation. I have to believe we will both get through it and find some peace.
Hope ~ I think you are approaching your emotions in a healthy way... let the fear and anxiety and sadness be. Don't push them away, but don't wallow in them either. The only way to deal with them is to be with them.
Your H's confusing statements sound familiar to other sitches here. Maybe it's part of a common dynamic for the WAS to both want the D, but want to keep some part of the MR there too. It's incredibly confusing.
In my younger days, I had awful NG tendencies. I recall breaking up with a long-term GF, feeling really bad about it, and suggesting we could be close friends still. What she deserved was to hear the honest truth: I didn't see a future in us, even though I thought she was a great person. Instead, I doled out little pieces of hope that just confused her and made the ending drag out longer. I wanted to let her down, but softly, because it made ME feel less guilty about it. It was not respectful to her.
I'm not suggesting this is what is happening in your situation, because I don't know.
No matter what they say, the WAS will always miss part of the MR. They may cling to those parts they like. Unfortunately this isn't a la carte dining.
