Job, I always appreciate your level-headed attitude!
Originally Posted by job
A large majority of posters are fixers and trust me when I say this....we couldn't have fixed our situations because we aren't the ones that stunted the spouses who are in crisis. What happened to them happened when they were children and yes, they would have gone through a crisis whether it be w/us, someone else or they were living alone.
And you cut right to the chase, OwnIt:
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Until he wants to figure out why he did this and how to fix it, none of it matters, except you of course.
True, true, though I hope it does increase my compassion, as long as I don't get caught up spending too much time trying to figure it out, as if there's an answer in the center of the maze.
I guess I still struggle with believing this is a crisis he's in, that it's not just, you know, me being the problem. On a rational level, I understand it can't be as simple as that—one day he suddenly realizes he's been unhappy for years and that he can't be happy with me; divorce; he's happy!; the end. But on an emotional level...
He's been slighter warmer and less shut-down with me since I've been back after the holidays. I think of the "Why the MLCer is so distant..." homework thread and Job's reminder: the main ingredient of MLC is depression. They will surface from time to time and seem friendlier, more normal. I look back over my journal for the past seven months and see this pattern repeat. (Yet I still think from time to time—wait—see, he's not depressed. He's not struggling. He never loved you. You're imagining all of this.)
I no longer see these friendlier interludes as indicative of any long-term positive trend, but the problem is that I know there is a tiny subconscious part of my brain that is collecting positive interactions and hoping, hoping, hoping, while the rest of my brain is saying, "THE D IS COMING! You will be disappointed. Why do you keep doing this?" It seems to run in the background like some computer virus...
I no longer see these friendlier interludes as indicative of any long-term positive trend, but the problem is that I know there is a tiny subconscious part of my brain that is collecting positive interactions and hoping, hoping, hoping, while the rest of my brain is saying, "THE D IS COMING! You will be disappointed. Why do you keep doing this?" It seems to run in the background like some computer virus...
That is the roller coaster ride we all get on inadvertently from time to time. good times, bad times, the highs and the lows.....it is hard work to make a conscious effort to get off that roller coaster. but once you do, you'll be closer to finding peace.
I guess I still struggle with believing this is a crisis he's in, that it's not just, you know, me being the problem. On a rational level, I understand it can't be as simple as that—one day he suddenly realizes he's been unhappy for years and that he can't be happy with me; divorce; he's happy!; the end. But on an emotional level...
He's been slighter warmer and less shut-down with me since I've been back after the holidays. I think of the "Why the MLCer is so distant..." homework thread and Job's reminder: the main ingredient of MLC is depression. They will surface from time to time and seem friendlier, more normal. I look back over my journal for the past seven months and see this pattern repeat. (Yet I still think from time to time—wait—see, he's not depressed. He's not struggling. He never loved you. You're imagining all of this.)
Cardinal - You are not alone. Sometimes ...actually most the time my H seems so “normal” that I completely slip into that mindset and have to remind myself that’s he’s hit almost every MLC branch on the way down the tree. EA, extreme confusion, lying, extreme working out, motorcycle, extreme spending. It’s very hard for the human mind to make sense of the seemingly sudden irrational switch off of feelings pre and post BD. Your H sounds similar to mine in that he also won’t talk about anything let alone our R/M. (Pls correct me if I have that wrong) so my mind goes to the hurtful half truths and some truths that he spewed at BD...and then the self blame creeps in...” he never loved you”...”I’m using MLC as an excuse to ease the truth that I caused my marriage to fail”....I have to remind myself that regardless of any R issues THIS is NOT how you treat anyone let alone your life partner. The difficult thing to do is talk and solve issues...the easy thing to do is blame others and run. You are not crazy and you are not to blame.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I no longer see these friendlier interludes as indicative of any long-term positive trend, but the problem is that I know there is a tiny subconscious part of my brain that is collecting positive interactions and hoping, hoping, hoping, while the rest of my brain is saying, "THE D IS COMING! You will be disappointed. Why do you keep doing this?" It seems to run in the background like some computer virus...
Again, I guess with our situations being a month apart we are very close in the things we are thinking and feeling. He asks if I want food, tea, watches tv with me....then emails me beginning stages of S papers. Fixes my car headlight for me (without me asking) then makes a nasty comment. THIS is the emotional roller coaster I fully realize I have to get off of...I believe I have one foot off but need to remove the other. Everything takes time and I do my best to celebrate the small victories I achieve. I have *almost fully stopped snooping. I know, I know it only causes more hurt and makes me feel awful! Continue to give yourself a break and realize YOU did not cause this and control only what we can control. If only I could take my own advice!!! Lol Hugs
You are not alone in your feelings and doubts. We all have/had them.
You are correct it takes time to accept this on an emotional level. Acceptance is emotional understanding. And we all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go.
Something for you to find understanding with, and completely within your control: Hoping, hoping, hoping does not need to be tied to positive actions by H. In fact it shouldn’t be. That would be expectations and that will kill hope.
Hope is your’s! It lives within you! No one, and I mean NO ONE! ever gets to kill your hope. Don’t let anyone take away your hope.
Hope is desire. Good, sincere, desires. Hope lives in the possibilities of the unknown future. It has no time frame nor deadline.
One can get lost in hopeful fantasy. However, that is more a living in denial thing.
You can hope, and move forward.
Have a great day.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It is part of the process..hoping Hold on the hope always..
That probably kept me going for many, many months after bomb hope is a great thing
In the highest way , hope for spouses return,
If the spouse cant return Hope for healing for all and a peaceful parting
hope for your own healing , transformation, and the highest best path for your life with or without H You will be lead..
Truth is , we wont 100 percent know until we know and it takes time ..really
DB offers some great solutions for the now support build a new life be supportive to H lean back..give space protect assets get legal advice..just to know..in case heal..counseling..grieve
The LBS here as you will read many threads all seem to create better lives, either way we land on our feet..if we follow the guidelines
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I agree w/Peace. The LBS do create better lives and we land on our feet. Each and every poster is a survivor whether they reconcile or not. We all have travel through the valley of being bomb dropped, the pain, hurt, anger frustration and the merry-go-round of emotions. Once we go through all of the grieving and not try to go around it, we begin to see the light of day, begin to see life w/clear eyes and then we begin to think w/our heads and not our hearts and we know what we need to do to survive, watch finances and look towards the future.
It does take a lot of time to get to the other side, but you will get there. Try not to second guess or wonder about the "what ifs". Don't try to analyze his every word or move because it will drive your crazy. It's important to you keep the focus on you and what you need to do to heal and survive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He's been slighter warmer and less shut-down with me since I've been back after the holidays. I think of the "Why the MLCer is so distant..." homework thread and Job's reminder: the main ingredient of MLC is depression. They will surface from time to time and seem friendlier, more normal. I look back over my journal for the past seven months and see this pattern repeat. (Yet I still think from time to time—wait—see, he's not depressed. He's not struggling. He never loved you. You're imagining all of this.)
I no longer see these friendlier interludes as indicative of any long-term positive trend, but the problem is that I know there is a tiny subconscious part of my brain that is collecting positive interactions and hoping, hoping, hoping, while the rest of my brain is saying, "THE D IS COMING! You will be disappointed. Why do you keep doing this?" It seems to run in the background like some computer virus...
Hi Cardinal - was thinking of you this morning so thought I’d drop a line.
Just wanted to share that I had my first full experience of H resurfacing and being friendlier and almost completely normal and actually talkative (not about himself tho). It really is confusing isn’t it? I’m sure he’ll turtle again....I’m currently doing the hoping while feeling another D bomb is on its way. Time will tell I guess.
Oh, peace, job, DnJ, thank you for your words. As always, I am grateful, I am all ears. It is good to remember that moving forward and hope are not mutually exclusive. I need to hear that again and again in this stage.
Kindly, thank you for checking in on me. Your words helped me feel sane again too. I needed to read this:
Originally Posted by Kindly
I have to remind myself that regardless of any R issues THIS is NOT how you treat anyone let alone your life partner. The difficult thing to do is talk and solve issues...the easy thing to do is blame others and run.
And I feel less alone knowing our timelines are so close.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Your H sounds similar to mine in that he also won’t talk about anything let alone our R/M. (Pls correct me if I have that wrong) [...] Again, I guess with our situations being a month apart we are very close in the things we are thinking and feeling. He asks if I want food, tea, watches tv with me....then emails me beginning stages of S papers.
You are right—mine really doesn't talk much. There are periods of very minimal exchanges (good morning/have a good day/hey) and then there are periods of his offering me a bite of something or sharing a sentence or two about his day/life (GASP!). It's been a long time since he would even be in the same room while I'm watching TV/eating dinner, etc.. There's no good or easy version of this rollercoaster, is there? But yes, we have both made much progress in removing ourselves from it! Small victories, indeed. Hugs back at you!
Good evening, everyone. Here I am reflecting on the last week, I suppose.
H was home nearly every night, which hasn’t been the case in months. He engaged me a few times to share brief bits about his work/activities and offered me some of the food he’d bought for himself—in other words, it was a friendly H week. Nothing to do with me, since I keep my PMA and behavior toward H consistent from week to week. I will never know what’s going on in his head or why his habits change when they do, but it is interesting to observe his moods around me go up and down, independent of my actions.
I noticed I was in a bad mood/funk for a couple of days. I acknowledged it and it passed. One thing I’m working on for me is to cut myself slack on my days off when I feel like I’m not being productive enough (yard work, job search, other to-do list items), or when I get home from work and “just” read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats. I used to feel like I was doing something wrong if I was home when H was at night—he should wonder what I’m doing and all that. But I think that was another form of pretzeling myself for him. Living with an MLCer (or whatever H is) while striving for empathy and calm over reactiveness and anger, living with and through BD—all that is tiring work.
I have always been happy spending time by myself, spending time at home, and GAL doesn’t have to mean partying all night like H has tended to do post-BD. I got a haircut and spent an evening with a friend and felt content. (I wonder if H ever feels quiet contentment now when he’s alone. His busy schedule means he doesn’t have to spend much time alone, of course.) If I was out every night and H, for example, never saw me watching TV, would he suddenly second-guess his desire to D? I would rather spend my time the way I want instead of worrying about how H sees x or y. I am trying to listen when my body and mind want quiet and rest.
One thing I’m working on for me is to cut myself slack on my days off when I feel like I’m not being productive enough (yard work, job search, other to-do list items), or when I get home from work and “just” read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats. I used to feel like I was doing something wrong if I was home when H was at night—he should wonder what I’m doing and all that. But I think that was another form of pretzeling myself for him. Living with an MLCer (or whatever H is) while striving for empathy and calm over reactiveness and anger, living with and through BD—all that is tiring work.
I have always been happy spending time by myself, spending time at home, and GAL doesn’t have to mean partying all night like H has tended to do post-BD. I got a haircut and spent an evening with a friend and felt content. (I wonder if H ever feels quiet contentment now when he’s alone. His busy schedule means he doesn’t have to spend much time alone, of course.) If I was out every night and H, for example, never saw me watching TV, would he suddenly second-guess his desire to D? I would rather spend my time the way I want instead of worrying about how H sees x or y. I am trying to listen when my body and mind want quiet and rest.
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody by nature. Granted, I realize I have much worse days when we are in the home together and he's acting like a normal human person vs when he's behaving as the alien. I deal with the anger better than the sadness. But we had an ice storm then snow this past weekend and I made the decision I wasn't leaving the house. He could do as he pleased but I wasn't going any where. That's not a 180. It's probably not GALing the right way. But I had gone out Friday (all night) and I needed a recharge. He made himself sparse knowing I wasn't going anywhere. I've noticed he seems to have a lower tolerance for being forced with me in the house than I do. I can quietly relax in the MBR and it's like he's not even there to me, so I've been trying to do more of that.
