Yes, I have a lawyer. I saw him 4 months ago and retained him. I haven't been back to him since but he is willing to do the divorce for $2800 which is awesome. My wife saw a lawyer in anther county and he wanted $8000 to do the divorce.
I think things will be so much better once she moves out. The level of disrespect along the way has been well documented and she has lived it and put me through all of it. She will have to some day feel the pain, regret, and guilt from what she has done.
I can tell you want to save this. My advice is to quit telling her to move out. You've told her so many times that it is just showing her that she hurts you still and you are prodding her to file. She doesn't have to move out.
Her going to the same gym as OM? Well don't y'all live in a small town? I wouldn't give it a second thought.
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Now, "JJ", you know my W may say she is committed just to get me to go but I do believe she is pushing harder for us to go since the new year.
That's right. You won't know for sure for a long time. I think your pain comes out towards her in negative ways most of the time and she fires back every time. If you want to save it I think you need to 180 here.
I know many will think I'm being too soft, I'm not advocating for you enabling her.
Is your W walking away from you and couldn't take the fights anymore and found an affair? What started the affair?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I can tell you want to save this. My advice is to quit telling her to move out. You've told her so many times that it is just showing her that she hurts you still and you are prodding her to file. She doesn't have to move out.
Her going to the same gym as OM? Well don't y'all live in a small town? I wouldn't give it a second thought.
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Now, "JJ", you know my W may say she is committed just to get me to go but I do believe she is pushing harder for us to go since the new year.
That's right. You won't know for sure for a long time. I think your pain comes out towards her in negative ways most of the time and she fires back every time. If you want to save it I think you need to 180 here.
I know many will think I'm being too soft, I'm not advocating for you enabling her.
Is your W walking away from you and couldn't take the fights anymore and found an affair? What started the affair?
The affair was started because her emotional needs were not being met. I was never around. I coach so I am gone most of the time. Days off or on the weekends I would play a lot of golf. We never ever had fights or arguments. Intimacy had gone down as well and as you can tell from my story this is a big one for my wife. If she could have it her way she would be intimate everyday. She even suggested us doing an everyday challenge a few years back.
It is hard to see this thing being saved without me losing my sanity because she has not and will not end her affair. If it were to be saved it is going to take us splitting up and eventually getting back together once we work on ourselves. I have begun fantasizing somewhat about the idea of being single. She is going to have to experience real life being single and with this guy for her to ever wake up and see reality and what this has done to our family.
The affair was started because her emotional needs were not being met. I was never around. I coach so I am gone most of the time. Days off or on the weekends I would play a lot of golf. We never ever had fights or arguments. Intimacy had gone down as well and as you can tell from my story this is a big one for my wife. If she could have it her way she would be intimate everyday. She even suggested us doing an everyday challenge a few years back.
It is hard to see this thing being saved without me losing my sanity because she has not and will not end her affair. If it were to be saved it is going to take us splitting up and eventually getting back together
P, other than the part about being a coach, you could have cut and pasted your description of your MR and your W into my own early threads and no one would know the difference. My MR was very much an intimacy-starved and SSM, and my W was very much a "physical touch" LL and high sex-drive... It is great that you realize that and even better that you are starting to realize there is no path back for the two of you that does not involve some level of separation. I offer the following, however:
Do NOT blame yourself or put 100% of the burden of the failed MR on you because "I neglected her." I made the same mistake early on and, despite being unhelpful and in fact even counterproductive in the context of reconciliation, it is just flat out not true! When I was shaken out of my lethargic fog by DB, and subsequently came to the realization that things i had done may have so badly hurt someone that i cared so much about, and in the process destroyed the most important relationship in my life, I was devastated... it was literally the worst psychic pain i had ever felt...it was actually physical, like knife in the chest (As I believe i wrote about at the time.) But... the thing is, it was NOT all my fault, even as your situation is NOT all yoir fault. Marriage is a partnership... a two-way relationship... for better or worse, and both I and my W and you and your W walked the path that got you to this horrible place... TOGETHER. Except in outlying cases of severe physical abuse and the like, It takes neglect and lack of communication and isolation and selfishness by BOTH spouses for a MR to become so damaged. There were undoubtedly numerous exit ramps on the highway to hell you two travelled... that BOTH of you neglected to take. So, yeah, own your side of the street, apoligize and take responsibility (once, and in a manly fashion, at least until such time as you make it to MC) if you must (and it seems like you already have) and then MOVE ON... but don't beat yourself up continually and feel/act like this whole thing is exclusively your fault because that is JUST. NOT. ACCURATE, Your W made the decision to step outside of the MR... and THAT is on her... NOT on you. Maybe you need to meditate daily and have a mantra: "I did not force my W to commit adultery... I did not force my W to commit adultery... etc etc"...
Also, you need to just be done with her... right now... and go completely dark. As others have noted, you have repeatedly asked her to leave and she has repeatedly flipped you the bird... at least figuratively. The simple fact of the matter is that you cannot physically force her to leave. You can, however, go dark, even while she is in the house, and only communicate with her (in a calm, confident, upbeat fashion) when absolutely necessary (kids, finances), and, at all other times, let her seeing you livie your awesome new life without her... because you ARE having an awesome new life...Which means you can't fake it... well, maybe fake it till you make it a little in terms of your cheerful demeanor... but in terms of self improvement ABSOLUTELY getting out of the house as much as possible while she is there and doing FUN, awesome things that help you grow as a person. Involve your kids as well-- they need some happy moments in this difficult time. But just ignore the HELL out of her for the time being. I have repeatedly written on here that, in WW terms, "She will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away". In my own sitch, my journey to that "Walking away" point was far from conventional, and I in no way engineered it or forced it... it was simply an act of divine providence and a product of the path I walked to that point... a path which included massive 180s and significant GALs and a whole whole whole lot of living that did NOT include her. Your own path is very cloudy to me... I am not sure how, if ever, your R with your W will get to that point, and if she does it is almost certainly months if not years away... but I DO know damned well that it will certainly never get there unless you LET HER GO, go DARK to her, and start living your own life for YOU and improving yourself in the most awesome ways possible to turn yourself into AMOAFWL... if you do that, it is pretty much gauranteed that, relationship wise, whoever you eventually end up with, it wont be any ol' damned fool... it will prolly be somebody pretty awesome... and your W will never get to that point (even if she is still capable of it) until you drop the rope and cut the cord!
You can have an awesome and amazing life... with or without her! But the only part of that equation you control is YOU! BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE AND FORGET ABOUT THIS CHEATING WW OF YOURS... she is not the girl you fell in love with and married.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Alright, so you texted (really?) telling her to leave. She said no. Now what are you doing to do P? This is why we are constantly saying DO NOT MAKE THREATS UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO BACK THEM UP. Because otherwise you look weak and powerless, and even cowardly if you back down. You need to come up with a plan of action that doesn't involve asking her to do anything, and you need to follow through on it. Actions, not words.
Alright, so you texted (really?) telling her to leave. She said no. Now what are you doing to do P? This is why we are constantly saying DO NOT MAKE THREATS UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO BACK THEM UP. Because otherwise you look weak and powerless, and even cowardly if you back down. You need to come up with a plan of action that doesn't involve asking her to do anything, and you need to follow through on it. Actions, not words.
My plan at this point: 1. Today my check at the end of the month will be going into another account I set up direct deposit. 2. Go Dark only answer text about kids 3. Take my phone off of her phone account and get my individual account. 4. 180’s and GAL - I spent the night with oldest son in Statesboro Tuesday. She did not like it. 5. She is living in another room and lock has been changed on MBR door. 6. House will be for Sell starting next week and Realtor will be looking at the house to give me advice on selling it myself. 7. File for D when I’m ready and very close to being ready. Spoke with lawyer today about situation concerning her employment and if she was to lose her job.
