Thank you everyone for keeping with me. I read everyone’s comments.
Originally Posted by Rose888
Wolfman,
You need to stop putting yourself in situations where you are dependent on your ex-wife. Your Santa presents don’t need to be set out at her house. You don’t get to determine if the kids leave milk and cookies for Santa. Santa can come to both houses, and you can leave milk and cookies at your place, if that’s important to you.
I don’t have a house yet. I live with my mom. I am closing on my home at the end of January. It is originally in our agreement that I would go over there Christmas Day to see the kids open gifts. That will have to change.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’ve got to say..... I haven’t read your whole witch, but.....
I can’t believe your gf is wanting to be serious with you so enmeshed with your ex. She’s a huge part of your thoughts and actions still. This doesn’t bother her? Is she turning a blind eye to it? Do you hide it really well?
I do hide it pretty well. What I hide is my sadness at times. My sadness is more the loss of family and missing my kids. I have a great GF and enjoy being with her. When I am with her we are very happy. I know it’s still early but I have learned a lot from my former marriage. Not to make the same mistakes.
IH I will respect her boundaries with the home. I took everyone’s advice and I no longer go into the home. To pick the kids up or drop them off. Yesterday I don’t know what happened to me. I dropped the kids off at night at the ex’s house and after I said good bye and got in the car I broke down and just started crying. I miss kissing my kids goodnight, I miss kissing them before I would leave for work. I miss them so much!!! I was always so involved with my kids and this really hurts.
My GF was asking me questions the last few days about my m. She said my past is important to who I am. So I explained everything to her. From me originally wanting to separate and then my ex going over that wanting a d. How I tried for a while to make things work but she wanted no part of it. To how I walked out on her 5 times and went for a drive when we got into those big arguments. It felt great to be completely honest with her. There was one thing GF said to me that I was shocked about. She said your ex is going through something and seems very immature and is going to realize after she dates a little what a mistake she is making. She said she is totally going to regret this. It’s so funny to hear that, all of our mutual friends have said the same thing to me and to hear her say this was shocking. Then it makes me wonder, how my ex doesn’t see that? I know I have said it before. I have read on numerous threads give them space and time and they will come back. I really don’t believe that will ever happen. At that point I don’t know if I would go back. I even read Sandi saying sometimes the WW seeing the LBS moving on and they could be lost forever, sometimes the WW snaps out of it. Haven’t seen that either. My ex knows I have a GF. And nothing. I am not dating to get her back I am dating because I found someone who is great and really appreciates me for me. Shows me a lot of love. I guess I am surprised and not at how prideful my ex is and will not show that any of this bothers her. Or even the slightest attempt to make things right with us. Again that would be a big decision for me at this point.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Anyone know the answer to this. I pay child support. My ex is asking for money for the kids hip hop dance costumes. Does jeans, sneakers, shirts for dance costume fall under the clothing part of child support? She is constantly hitting me up for money. I can’t take this anymore. She keeps both her paychecks and then gets part of mine. How much more? NYS stinks how it favors the women.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Anyone know the answer to this. I pay child support. My ex is asking for money for the kids hip hop dance costumes. Does jeans, sneakers, shirts for dance costume fall under the clothing part of child support? She is constantly hitting me up for money. I can’t take this anymore. She keeps both her paychecks and then gets part of mine. How much more? NYS stinks how it favors the women.
Do not make expenses about your kids about her. This will always skew your thinking!!
The KIDS need jeans, sneakers and shirts for dance costumes.......not your ex.
Put your kids first.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I need help!!! From my understanding even costumes for hip hop are part of clothing item. But I will find out from a lawyer. But here she goes again: W: Well technically it’s a dance costume that we chose for them to do extra so it’s part of activities. And if you remember I brought your child support down by a lot. So are we going to go there?
Me: I know you did. But you get to keep both your paychecks plus get part of mine. So what does my support go to?
W: Every day things... their clothes, their home, their food but this is a costume expense. I have not asked you for a penny for their clothes or anything like that... this is a costume expense for both kids. Not for nothing... nowhere in our paperwork does it day I had to give you half of the insurance check and I gave it to you without you even asking...
Me: I would have thought that was a given since I was paying your health insurance. Since when did you become spiteful and vindictive? Who are you????
W: Vindictive? Look in the mirror. You are constantly showing why we are where we are. Constant reminder of why I made the decision that I did. Slowly everyone is seeing the real you and I don’t have to say a word. The lies right to my parents faces were a huge eye opener for them as well... sad because they had the utmost love and respect for you. I am not a vindictive person and never will be.... nothing has changed always putting the blame on others for your behavior. It’s all good though.... It really is sad. I know you were hurt by all of this but we all were and you are so focused on yourself that you don’t even realize what you are doing. But once again... I need to worry about the kids and myself... I tried my best and you know it....
How do I respond to this? I don’t want to make it worse. I used the word vindictive because anytime I never agreed with her she would call me vindictive to get her way. So I wanted to use it back to her. What is everyone’s take on this dialogue. I don’t know how she could say I am focused on myself when I have given her everything she wants. The house the furniture, I didn’t make it hard for her this d. I moved out for her. This is what happens anytime I don’t agree with her or don’t do what she wants. HELP PLEASE!!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Why are you calling her names and what did you expect when you started the name calling? Her to not fight back?
Just tell her you understand that's how she feels and you didn't choose your words well. You clearly did though, as you chose the word "vindictive" to get her back. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO "WIN" ANYTHING WITH HER.
I don't know much about the legal requirements for your parenting arrangement, but I am laughing at the hip hop outfits. Stick to what you are legally required to do and let her go. It is probably cheaper and easier to pay for a costume than to pay for a lawyer to tell you if you have to. And you get the plus of not coming off as petty.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I need help!!! From my understanding even costumes for hip hop are part of clothing item. But I will find out from a lawyer. But here she goes again: W: Well technically it’s a dance costume that we chose for them to do extra so it’s part of activities. And if you remember I brought your child support down by a lot. So are we going to go there?
Me: I know you did. But you get to keep both your paychecks plus get part of mine. So what does my support go to?
W: Every day things... their clothes, their home, their food but this is a costume expense. I have not asked you for a penny for their clothes or anything like that... this is a costume expense for both kids. Not for nothing... nowhere in our paperwork does it day I had to give you half of the insurance check and I gave it to you without you even asking...
Me: I would have thought that was a given since I was paying your health insurance. Since when did you become spiteful and vindictive? Who are you????
W: Vindictive? Look in the mirror. You are constantly showing why we are where we are. Constant reminder of why I made the decision that I did. Slowly everyone is seeing the real you and I don’t have to say a word. The lies right to my parents faces were a huge eye opener for them as well... sad because they had the utmost love and respect for you. I am not a vindictive person and never will be.... nothing has changed always putting the blame on others for your behavior. It’s all good though.... It really is sad. I know you were hurt by all of this but we all were and you are so focused on yourself that you don’t even realize what you are doing. But once again... I need to worry about the kids and myself... I tried my best and you know it....
How do I respond to this? I don’t want to make it worse. I used the word vindictive because anytime I never agreed with her she would call me vindictive to get her way. So I wanted to use it back to her. What is everyone’s take on this dialogue. I don’t know how she could say I am focused on myself when I have given her everything she wants. The house the furniture, I didn’t make it hard for her this d. I moved out for her. This is what happens anytime I don’t agree with her or don’t do what she wants. HELP PLEASE!!!
You don't! Stop this madness.
Wolfman, let's do a little exercise.
Say the kids were with you this weekend, and the dance teacher reached out and said "Remember, the kids need their dance costumes this weekend." Would you call your ex and say "Hey, the kids need dance costumes. This should come out of the money I give you for their clothing. Can I come pick up some money from you for these?"
Or would just go buy the costumes.
This exchange makes me think this is more about you bucking the fact that "NYS favors the women", rather than any true sense of principle.
Regardless, a back and forth like this with your ex is not productive......at all.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W: Vindictive? Look in the mirror. You are constantly showing why we are where we are. Constant reminder of why I made the decision that I did. Slowly everyone is seeing the real you and I don’t have to say a word. The lies right to my parents faces were a huge eye opener for them as well... sad because they had the utmost love and respect for you. I am not a vindictive person and never will be.... nothing has changed always putting the blame on others for your behavior. It’s all good though.... It really is sad. I know you were hurt by all of this but we all were and you are so focused on yourself that you don’t even realize what you are doing. But once again... I need to worry about the kids and myself... I tried my best and you know it....
How do I respond to this? I don’t want to make it worse. I used the word vindictive because anytime I never agreed with her she would call me vindictive to get her way. So I wanted to use it back to her. What is everyone’s take on this dialogue. I don’t know how she could say I am focused on myself when I have given her everything she wants. The house the furniture, I didn’t make it hard for her this d. I moved out for her. This is what happens anytime I don’t agree with her or don’t do what she wants. HELP PLEASE!!!
Wolf did XW clarify examples or instances of how you were showing what she perceives? What lies to the XMIL/FIL? What blame and what behavior have you placed on others? What does she think you were doing or were oblivious to? You really may want to ask these questions not only to listen to her but use it as self improvement. Somethings we have to gauge on what people are trying to tell us and determine what we need to change about ourselves for the better? Or if the other person really is delusional. Get back you later with my thoughts. Work and Mother terminally ill in hospital.
I need help!!! From my understanding even costumes for hip hop are part of clothing item. But I will find out from a lawyer. But here she goes again: W: Well technically it’s a dance costume that we chose for them to do extra so it’s part of activities. And if you remember I brought your child support down by a lot. So are we going to go there?
Me: I know you did. But you get to keep both your paychecks plus get part of mine. So what does my support go to?
W: Every day things... their clothes, their home, their food but this is a costume expense. I have not asked you for a penny for their clothes or anything like that... this is a costume expense for both kids. Not for nothing... nowhere in our paperwork does it day I had to give you half of the insurance check and I gave it to you without you even asking...
Me: I would have thought that was a given since I was paying your health insurance. Since when did you become spiteful and vindictive? Who are you????
W: Vindictive? Look in the mirror. You are constantly showing why we are where we are. Constant reminder of why I made the decision that I did. Slowly everyone is seeing the real you and I don’t have to say a word. The lies right to my parents faces were a huge eye opener for them as well... sad because they had the utmost love and respect for you. I am not a vindictive person and never will be.... nothing has changed always putting the blame on others for your behavior. It’s all good though.... It really is sad. I know you were hurt by all of this but we all were and you are so focused on yourself that you don’t even realize what you are doing. But once again... I need to worry about the kids and myself... I tried my best and you know it....
How do I respond to this? I don’t want to make it worse. I used the word vindictive because anytime I never agreed with her she would call me vindictive to get her way. So I wanted to use it back to her. What is everyone’s take on this dialogue. I don’t know how she could say I am focused on myself when I have given her everything she wants. The house the furniture, I didn’t make it hard for her this d. I moved out for her. This is what happens anytime I don’t agree with her or don’t do what she wants. HELP PLEASE!!!
You don't! Stop this madness.
Wolfman, let's do a little exercise.
Say the kids were with you this weekend, and the dance teacher reached out and said "Remember, the kids need their dance costumes this weekend." Would you call your ex and say "Hey, the kids need dance costumes. This should come out of the money I give you for their clothing. Can I come pick up some money from you for these?"
Or would just go buy the costumes.
This exchange makes me think this is more about you bucking the fact that "NYS favors the women", rather than any true sense of principle.
Regardless, a back and forth like this with your ex is not productive......at all.
Steve so what do I do? You were one of the s few who “got” their marriage back. Do I say something like what overr said? And Steve honestly I would have paid it and told her she owes me money. I played nice with her for so long. What does everyone say on here don’t be a doormat. Well I was, I was trying to “nice” her back. Got me no where but still divorced.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I need help!!! From my understanding even costumes for hip hop are part of clothing item. But I will find out from a lawyer. But here she goes again: W: Well technically it’s a dance costume that we chose for them to do extra so it’s part of activities. And if you remember I brought your child support down by a lot. So are we going to go there?
Me: I know you did. But you get to keep both your paychecks plus get part of mine. So what does my support go to?
W: Every day things... their clothes, their home, their food but this is a costume expense. I have not asked you for a penny for their clothes or anything like that... this is a costume expense for both kids. Not for nothing... nowhere in our paperwork does it day I had to give you half of the insurance check and I gave it to you without you even asking...
Me: I would have thought that was a given since I was paying your health insurance. Since when did you become spiteful and vindictive? Who are you????
W: Vindictive? Look in the mirror. You are constantly showing why we are where we are. Constant reminder of why I made the decision that I did. Slowly everyone is seeing the real you and I don’t have to say a word. The lies right to my parents faces were a huge eye opener for them as well... sad because they had the utmost love and respect for you. I am not a vindictive person and never will be.... nothing has changed always putting the blame on others for your behavior. It’s all good though.... It really is sad. I know you were hurt by all of this but we all were and you are so focused on yourself that you don’t even realize what you are doing. But once again... I need to worry about the kids and myself... I tried my best and you know it....
How do I respond to this? I don’t want to make it worse. I used the word vindictive because anytime I never agreed with her she would call me vindictive to get her way. So I wanted to use it back to her. What is everyone’s take on this dialogue. I don’t know how she could say I am focused on myself when I have given her everything she wants. The house the furniture, I didn’t make it hard for her this d. I moved out for her. This is what happens anytime I don’t agree with her or don’t do what she wants. HELP PLEASE!!!
You don't! Stop this madness.
Wolfman, let's do a little exercise.
Say the kids were with you this weekend, and the dance teacher reached out and said "Remember, the kids need their dance costumes this weekend." Would you call your ex and say "Hey, the kids need dance costumes. This should come out of the money I give you for their clothing. Can I come pick up some money from you for these?"
Or would just go buy the costumes.
This exchange makes me think this is more about you bucking the fact that "NYS favors the women", rather than any true sense of principle.
Regardless, a back and forth like this with your ex is not productive......at all.
Steve so what do I do? You were one of the s few who “got” their marriage back. Do I say something like what overr said? And Steve honestly I would have paid it and told her she owes me money. I played nice with her for so long. What does everyone say on here don’t be a doormat. Well I was, I was trying to “nice” her back. Got me no where but still divorced.
So I would just call her and say: "Sorry, having a bad day. Didn't mean to lash out. How about we split the costumes 50/50?"
I get the doormat thing. You're right, being one is not a good thing. But going so far the other direction where you are bitter and mean (or come across as such) isn't good either. Treat your ex like a business partner. You can be firm but be respectful.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
