js, a lot of LBS struggle with this stuff. Yours truly did as well. What I can tell you is that, while these are no guarantee because a WAS is going to do what they want, these DBing techniques that MWD advocates have worked in other situations. It is counter-intuitive, so it scares LBS into thinking they are going to push their WAS away. Or upset them. Or double down on the behavior that got them there.
But think about it logically. She left and wants out. She has essentially told you "I want less of you". And your response to that is to try to give her more of you? Doesn't make sense. You are giving her what she doesn't want. Have you ever told someone you didn't want something to eat, maybe a piece of cake or something? And they insisted. It annoyed you didn't it?
The LRT IS detachment. It is like the ultimate version of detachment. The not responding to messages that does not require a response is simply giving her less of you....like she has asked you to!
Have you read DR? DR goes into a pretty lengthy explanation of what circumstances suggest it is time to go LRT. I believe your sitch is there. Don't take my word for it, read about LRT in DR and see for yourself.
Hang in there man, you are going to be fine no matter what the outcome is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have read and agree it certainly applies. I have stopped any initiating of any conversation for sure. I just needed some help understanding the interaction aspect.
I am really trying to use your advice about thinking of the positives each morning. I struggle with that feeling where she is already happy in this new relationship, having someone else, having sex, all of that and I do not. So I need to remember that I have so many positives in my life, and a relationship is not the only thing that can make someone happy. I do miss closeness with my wife though, hard not to.
Yep, js. We human creatures are funny in that we can be so focused on what we don't have that we don't appreciate what we do.
It is like the dog with a bone, that stops on top of a bridge and looks down in the water. What does he see? A dog with a bone staring back up at him! He wants the bone that the other dog has so he drops his bone into the water. The splash of the bone makes the other dog with his bone disappear. The sad dog on the bridge now has no bone...........
Last edited by Steve85; 01/10/2004:51 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
if I’m honest with myself, I’m not ready. Which means it will end up being all talk and no action because I won’t go through with it. This stuff is really hard, I know I probably keep asking the same questions but I am really trying to understand.
So, if I don’t start a divorce because I’m not ready, doesn’t that make me a doormat? I’m just waiting it out hoping she comes around and sees how I am changing? I really struggle with this, I really do love her, I see where I was checked out in this marriage and get frustrated with myself. That gives me the power to forgive her if she wanted to come back to the marriage. Then the next minute my thoughts turn around to well if she chose to stray from our marriage and not try to work with me, then I should just end it, especially since she continues to just be with the other man.
Also I’ve been thinking about LRT with respect to detachment and specifically trying to detach to the point where you can respond with love and not anger. I have been thinking more about what Steve said about not even acknowledging messages that don’t require a response. I want to understand, is that because the situation I am in is just beyond even detachment. I am past the point of the 37 rules that are referred here quite often? It just seems so cold to not respond or have such short answers. Please understand I am not disagreeing with the methods, just trying to understand so I can better apply them. Thank you!
Hey, js…
If you're not ready to file for D, then by all means don't. Like Steve said, you'll know when you need to. Right now, I think you best option is to stand and wait. See how things play out for a while. With time you'll know whether or not you're ready to file. Emotions are high right now, Let them cool off...
I also agree with not answering to texts and keeping things short and to the point when you have to reply. This is for 2 reasons. First, it will help with your detachment and keep you from getting caught up in wondering what she is doing and gobbling up any crumbs she throws your way. A lot of times those little "have a fun trip" or "hope you're doing well" texts are temp checks. She's looking for a response from you to see if she still has control. And be ready. When you stop responding to these types of texts, she's going to question why. Again, keep it short and simple. Remember, she fired you as her husband and she isn't your mom, so you don't have to answer to her. Things you do that do not involve her are none of her business. You mentioned earlier that when she sends those little messages, you like hearing from her. If you were truly detached, you wouldn't care if she texted you or not. I know, easier said than done, but it will make sense when you get there...
Second, by not replying to texts it gives her a chance to realize what she's missing. She doesn't want you as a husband and you don't want her as a friend, so what's the point of pleasant chit chat. Right now, you're plan B. She wants you to be waiting for her when things with OM don't work out. She needs to feel like she is losing you. When you stop responding to her, it's going to rattle her cage and she's not going to like it one bit. By all means, be consistent. Once she starts to feel like she's losing you, she's going to throw you some crumbs and temp check. Most LBS's gobble up the crumbs. This lets her know that she still has you on the hook and things go right back to where they were before. Don't fall for it. Make her wonder where you're at, what you're doing, and who you're with. Make her miss you by not being readily available like you were in the past...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
If you aren't ready to file and things are okay financially, then wait a bit longer. However, like we say around here, you will know when the time is right to file.
Do not be so readily available to her. If she texts, emails or phones, wait a bit before responding and if she asks why you didn't respond right way, just say "I was busy". You do not need to go into a lengthy explanation as to why you were busy. Heck, you could have been eating dinner...but she doesn't need to know that.
Continue to work on you, keep the focus on you and your family. You can do this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks all! I’m ok financially and actually right now she is still paying her parts of the bills.
I will continue to just be patient for now and live my life! My son will be back next week so I always have that to look forward to. (He is with his mom every other week)
Hi all, just asking for a little advice regarding social media. In a previous post Steve mentioned just staying off of it, which for the most part I have. My wife used to be an avid social media poster, but now posts nothing, so not much to see anyway.
Typically after a trip I would put up a few pics for my family to see, etc. I'm not a big social media guy anyway, just put pics up here and there for the family. Now if I were to do this, my wife would most likely see them.
As I'm typing this, the fact that I even care what her reaction is, shows I'm still having trouble with the detachment. Good to type this stuff out sometimes!
Anyway, probably best to just stay off it and post nothing right? Thanks! I think I may have answered my own question...
