Not much new to report, I don't think there will be in my situation, unless my wife decides to move forward with filing the divorce.
I just really miss her, I'm keeping busy, and everyone tells me how happy I seem, but it is hard going to bed in that empty bed.
I know we are supposed to not waste energy on hypothetical situations, but it's hard not to have some hope that I will get a chance to show her I still love and appreciate her.
Thought I'd chime in to show support. Sorry you're here mate.
Your comments about moving too fast at the beginning and her comms style feeling like attacks struck a chord with me. Running the hypotheticals over and over and over really [censored] the big one doesn't it. Have you tried online guided meditation and breathing exercises?
Listen to Steve and ovrrnbw as they're legends here and will give you good, no bs advice.
Keep posting mate. Maybe add some profile details to the footer such as ages, key dates etc.
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I just really miss her, I'm keeping busy, and everyone tells me how happy I seem, but it is hard going to bed in that empty bed.
It's awful at first but you get used to it. At first I laid there feeling so lonely, but eventually I learned to enjoy spreading out and taking the whole bed to myself! All these years later I can tell you that I honestly like sleeping by myself now that I'm used to it.
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I know we are supposed to not waste energy on hypothetical situations, but it's hard not to have some hope that I will get a chance to show her I still love and appreciate her.
A lot of people here talk about "hope" like it's a bad word and I've never understood that. Hope is powerful, it will get you through the worst of this and help you survive and eventually thrive again. I convinced myself that I would be among the small percentage of people that eventually reconcile. When things looked bleak I just reminded myself of that- I WILL RECONCILE! And that gave me motivation to keep going. The irony is I never did reconcile, but that hope and positive thinking got me to the point where eventually it didn't matter whether I reconciled or not, because I was happy again even without her. So have hope that you will get back together, because as bleak as it seems, you might yet! One thing all the people here who have reconciled have in common is that they all thought it was completely over at some point.
Not much new to report, I don't think there will be in my situation, unless my wife decides to move forward with filing the divorce.
I just really miss her, I'm keeping busy, and everyone tells me how happy I seem, but it is hard going to bed in that empty bed.
I know we are supposed to not waste energy on hypothetical situations, but it's hard not to have some hope that I will get a chance to show her I still love and appreciate her.
js, this is not for you as much as it is for other LBSs that my read it. Because what you are going through is very common. There is an interesting dynamic that I have written extensively about here.......it is that the "grass is always greener".
Those that are IHS think that if their spouse would leave they would have it easier. That detaching is too hard seeing and interacting with their WAS so much.
Those that are physically separated struggle wondering how they'll ever show their WAS how many positive changes they are making.
It is a conundrum.
js, you admit that you are struggling with detachment. So flip this on its head and be thankful for the opportunity to be able to detach without her constant presence tripping you up. I listened to a podcast yesterday about the benefits of finding positives in whatever your situation is. So spend some time on that. Things like:
- I am so fortunate to have custody of the dogs - I am so fortunate to be in good health - It is a blessing that I can financially support myself
Etc.
Sit down every morning and think of 10 things to be thankful for. You'd be amazed at what that daily exercise can do for your mental and emotional well-being!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So we did already arrange for her to watch take care of our dog while I was away before I posted and got Steve’s advice. Moving forward that is how I’ll handle it, but this was already done and planned so I just left it alone.
Anyway, I know it doesn’t mean anything, but I do like hearing from her. She reached out to let me know all is well and to have a fun trip. Just thanked her and left it at that.
Anyway, I know it doesn’t mean anything, but I do like hearing from her. She reached out to let me know all is well and to have a fun trip. Just thanked her and left it at that.
js, this is fool's gold. You are in the friend zone. If you want to be friends with her, then congratulations, you are there. If you want to be her H, then you shouldn't settle for these breadcrumbs.
We advise most LBSs in situations similar to yours to not be overly responsive.
When she texts you, informational texts do not get a response. "All is well, have a fun trip!" That doesn't require a response or even an acknowledgement.
If she texts you a question, answer her but on your time. (IE not always right away.) Answer her in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
If she asks you "Why does it take you so long to respond." A simple, "I am busy." Is all that you need to respond with.
Your sitch is one of the ones that you need to be practicing the LRT. That means DO NOT initiate contact with her. When she initiates contact, you adhere to the rules above.
Or you can ignore all of this and settle for being her friend.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/08/2005:38 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Understood Steve, yeah don't want to settle for being a friend...
As of today I know she is still seeing the other man, thought maybe it had stopped, but it hasn't. She continues to hide it from her family and most of her friends. I guess I have a hard time understanding, if she wants to be with him then why doesn't she just be with him? I guess I just don't operate like that so it's hard for me to understand.
Maybe they have to keep a secret because of something on his end, I guess I don't know, and I should really just stop thinking about it.
Some of you guys are very strong to be able to continue in a situation like this, not sure how long I can wait it out.
Js, there are no rules saying that you can't end it. You can anytime you are ready. My only advice on that is to do it, not say it. Many LBSs want to sit down the WAS and have "the talk". That's the illusion of action. Words are just words.
When you are ready to end it, you go file for D and s have her served. Stop hiding the situation and let people (on your side not hers) know that you guys are getting a D. And start moving on with your life (actually you should already be done this last one!).
My sitch was relatively short. With my lack of patience I probably would have filed at about the 6 month mark. It never came to that but I'm no where as strong as others!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
if I’m honest with myself, I’m not ready. Which means it will end up being all talk and no action because I won’t go through with it. This stuff is really hard, I know I probably keep asking the same questions but I am really trying to understand.
So, if I don’t start a divorce because I’m not ready, doesn’t that make me a doormat? I’m just waiting it out hoping she comes around and sees how I am changing? I really struggle with this, I really do love her, I see where I was checked out in this marriage and get frustrated with myself. That gives me the power to forgive her if she wanted to come back to the marriage. Then the next minute my thoughts turn around to well if she chose to stray from our marriage and not try to work with me, then I should just end it, especially since she continues to just be with the other man.
Also I’ve been thinking about LRT with respect to detachment and specifically trying to detach to the point where you can respond with love and not anger. I have been thinking more about what Steve said about not even acknowledging messages that don’t require a response. I want to understand, is that because the situation I am in is just beyond even detachment. I am past the point of the 37 rules that are referred here quite often? It just seems so cold to not respond or have such short answers. Please understand I am not disagreeing with the methods, just trying to understand so I can better apply them. Thank you!
