Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DS9]

Hi Dan if it were me I would have just responded with ‘thanks will do’. Try to keep things shorter and reserve validation. What’s she stressed about anyway?

Yes don’t give details of what you’re doing. My standard reply if I really need to elaborate is I’m out and about

Cheers ds

[DaB35]

Thanks DS.

I only thought of validating as I hadn't done it for a while to her. Yes, my thoughts exactly - what was she stressed about?

Also I thought it was weird that she mentioned there being 'pressure' - I wonder if that is a veiled message meaning that others have indeed pressured her into doing what she's chosen to do, or just that she was feeling pressure generally to get the D done quickly (?).

This would be scary for her, sorting out and arranging all this financial stuff when she would have previously relied on me to sort this all out, e.g. if we were selling the house together and moving somewhere else.

I have been practising empathy with people generally. I saw an acquaintance the the gig yesterday and he was telling me about the PhD he is doing and how difficult it was. Completely different scenario of course, but I think I listened and empathised well with what they were saying. The conversation was longer as a result so that must have meant I did something right.

Yeah with you on being coy about giving details of what I'm doing. I don't tell her what I'm doing now. Previously I would have explained why I took so long to reply etc.

[DaB35]

Happy New Year to all.

Thanks to everybody who has commented on my six (currently) threads. I really appreciate all the advice and 2x4s!

Was sad to not have W nearby at midnight to welcome in the year together. We had such a lovely start to 2019. We had lots of plans.

I do miss her, but rest assured I'm not sitting in a dark room feeling sorry for myself. I've been getting out, exercising, looking after myself (never felt better about how I look), saving money, new clothes, new shoes, sorting my career plans out etc.

There will come a time soon when I will need to see W - this will be to go through final bits at the house, e.g. bedding, stuff in the kitchen. Too many things to remember off the tops of our heads to sort out in an email, so probably best to do it in person. The house is not technically fully sold yet - still going through the conveyancers etc. Lots of paperwork; sign this, email this, confirm this etc.

Maybe the house will no longer be ours at some point this month. Not sure, hard to tell.

Any advice for when we need to meet up. I haven't seen W in over 3 months. I'm thinking wear my best clothes (well, not a suit but you know what I mean), haircut, smell good, project confidence etc. That sufficient?

[DaB35]

Interesting texts from W today:

"Hi, I need my tax returns for the last few years. How can I get my log in details from the tax website?"

I waited an hour then replied how she can get it (go on the website and ask for reminder!).

Few mins later:

"Thanks, got it now. I'm confused as to how much my net profit it - is it really that low? Trying to get a mortgage and I think I'm totally screwed."

I want to say:
"Well, this is what splitting up does! I'm in the same boat, thanks to your decision to throw everything away and put us both in financial uncertainty, and refuse to put any effort in sorting out our M."

***You'll all be pleased to know that I have NOT sent this reply!***
'How to shoot yourself in the foot several times in one text' by DaB35 - "out now in all good bookshops!"

Of course it's very tempting to fantasise about W sitting alone in her brother's house thinking, "What have I done? I can't do this. Maybe I've over-reacted? Maybe we should talk. The house sale isn't final yet. Maybe MC is an option..." I'm working very hard at not dwelling on this, and just keeping up my PMA and confidence.

I need to explain to her that it's not just a case of sales less costs; there are further expenses that can be deducted.

[For the Non-UK people here, there are other things a self-employed person can claim to reduce their tax bill depending on what kinds of costs they are as long as they're related to their business. I won't go into it here, but that's the basic gist of it.]

The plan usually is to claim as much as possible most years. Our mortgage was originally due for renewal in 2021, so for the last two years or so before that we'd have not claimed certain expenses in order to keep our profits high. We're both employed too, so that would have helped our case to get a better deal, especially as I'm due a pay rise soon this year.

Now of course, the house is being sold and so we'll have no mortgage between us soon.
Makes it VERY hard to get somewhere by yourself now, house prices being so high in the UK at the mo.

Should I just say:
"[short explanation of the figures]. Sounds like you're feeling very anxious about living alone; I can see why you'd feel like that."

Bit of advice needed before I reply back to her please!

In other news - got a 'well done' email from the gym. I broke a personal record on New Year's Eve when I went for a work out session. Now up to 70kg on leg press, 17.5kg on shoulder press, 40kg on chest press and 52.5kg on the abs/crunch machine. Definitely seeing a faint six-pack now! Also my arms look a lot better. I've never had a better opinion of how I look until recently.

[DS9]

Hey Dan

I’d just say ‘sorry to hear about your mortgage troubles. I hope it works out for you.’. On second thought I’d probably say nothing. She’s not asking you a question. Do you see how she’s kind of cake eating by tapping into your knowledge and expertise all the time? Your call anyway buddy.

Bravo on the gym achievement! That’s fantastic! Aim for higher on the chest press mate. Your shoulders and pecs will grow. How tall and what weight are you Dan? I’m 6’2 90kg and on 72kg chest press and have maxed my machine. I’m not familiar with the other exercises as my machine doesn’t seem to have them. Nice work with the abs mate I’m jealous!

[DaB35]

Hi DS

I was thinking I might respond as she has asked 'is my profit that low?'. Perhaps I'll keep it very brief.
"It's [x] minus [y] but also you add in [z], so it's not just a simple case of sales less costs. Sorry to hear you're feeling anxious about getting a mortgage."

I hadn't thought of it as cake eating. Good point. l would always advise her on tax stuff (it is my main job after all!). I'd even advise other members of her family - think they'll miss that.

I'm about 6ft and weigh 70kg. The chest press machine at my gym goes up to something stupid like 90kg or even 100kg, so I have a way to go before maxing that out! Yeah I need to gradually up the chest/shoulders. I'm going to try 20kg on shoulders tonight and maybe 42.5kg on the chest. I've been going for same number of reps but slightly increased weight.

[AnotherStander]

"Thanks, got it now. I'm confused as to how much my net profit it - is it really that low? Trying to get a mortgage and I think I'm totally screwed."

I want to say:
"Well, this is what splitting up does! I'm in the same boat, thanks to your decision to throw everything away and put us both in financial uncertainty, and refuse to put any effort in sorting out our M."

***You'll all be pleased to know that I have NOT sent this reply!***
'How to shoot yourself in the foot several times in one text' by DaB35 - "out now in all good bookshops!"

Ha! Yes it's good that you are squelching that kind of stuff.

Of course it's very tempting to fantasise about W sitting alone in her brother's house thinking, "What have I done? I can't do this. Maybe I've over-reacted? Maybe we should talk. The house sale isn't final yet. Maybe MC is an option..." I'm working very hard at not dwelling on this, and just keeping up my PMA and confidence.

Rest assured she's thinking none of those things. How do I know? Because she would be heavily temp checking you if she did.

I need to explain to her that it's not just a case of sales less costs; there are further expenses that can be deducted.

That's your NGS talking. You don't NEED to do ANYTHING. Quit rescuing her! That's a personal issue. Remember, business only. If it's something to do with the house or the D then provide what she asks for, but this kind of stuff, I would do as DS said and not reply at all.

Should I just say:
"[short explanation of the figures]. Sounds like you're feeling very anxious about living alone; I can see why you'd feel like that."

Definitely not the last part, I know you're trying to validate but that's comes off sounding a bit like pursuit.

I broke a personal record on New Year's Eve when I went for a work out session. Now up to 70kg on leg press, 17.5kg on shoulder press, 40kg on chest press and 52.5kg on the abs/crunch machine. Definitely seeing a faint six-pack now! Also my arms look a lot better. I've never had a better opinion of how I look until recently.

Awesome, keep it up!

[DaB35]

Thanks AS.

I just explained the figures, and left it at that without validating. Two sentences.

Had another email from the solicitor re house sale. Lots of "Can you provide a copy of [x] paperwork" and "Can you confirm [abc]."

Shall I do this? Or forward it on to W and inform her? Or just go back to the L and tell them "ask W"?

Thing is, she won't have a clue where to look in the house for any of the paperwork. I have left what I can on a desk in the study though - should I let her know that?

[DaB35]

No contact from W today. Surprised as I thought she would chase me for more info, or ask for more help on things.

Been thinking about things I could strive to achieve in 2020. Certainly got a few personal goals like increasing my weight limits at the gym, writing some more, earn more money from gigs, pass at least 2 exams etc. I certainly will be kept busy that's for sure!

I'm sad that W won't see me achieve these things, but I'm sure she will get to hear about them.

On reflection, I really fought for my M. I still want to. I went to IC, and have done the work required. W is still in the hardened heart phase and is keeping distant. I know she is feeling stressed, especially about getting a place of her own. I can't help her though - this is what she wanted so she has to make do.

Funny thing is, she said "The easy thing for me to do is to walk away!" It's actually proving very tricky for her. If she wanted to R and work things out, we'd still have a house, at least for the time being.

[AnotherStander]

Shall I do this? Or forward it on to W and inform her? Or just go back to the L and tell them "ask W"?

Thing is, she won't have a clue where to look in the house for any of the paperwork. I have left what I can on a desk in the study though - should I let her know that?

It seems your W is pretty determined to see this through so there's not a lot you can do to prevent that. If what they are asking isn't a huge inconvenience then just go ahead and take care of it.

Been thinking about things I could strive to achieve in 2020. Certainly got a few personal goals like increasing my weight limits at the gym, writing some more, earn more money from gigs, pass at least 2 exams etc. I certainly will be kept busy that's for sure!

I'm sad that W won't see me achieve these things, but I'm sure she will get to hear about them.

It's OK to have sad thoughts, it's normal. Just keep doing what you're doing and remember that you don't know what the future holds. Somewhere down the line she may very well want to recon. Hope is yours for as long as you want it.

On reflection, I really fought for my M. I still want to.

And you are. One of Michele's peers refers to it as being like ju jitsu. In ju jitsu you "fight" by going along with your partner's moves. If they move you don't counter-move, you move along with them and use their own movement to leverage your position. This is exactly what DB'ing is all about.

I went to IC, and have done the work required. W is still in the hardened heart phase and is keeping distant. I know she is feeling stressed, especially about getting a place of her own. I can't help her though - this is what she wanted so she has to make do.

Yes you have grown and recovered and are building yourself into someone stronger and more self-sufficient. She needs to do the same but she hasn't even begun yet.