My XH would come over a lot in the beginning and have a lot of those nice behaviors He would seek me out in the house to talk He was already living with other woman and I was not sure there was another Woman
Looking back , I think he still loved me and was trying to come to his terms on ending the M / leaving for the new relationship He was 40...prime time for MLC He bpught a motorcycle, bought younger looking clothes..the OW was 28, dyed his hair and eyebrows
He did 2-3 therapy sessions..but he was checked out he was classic MLCer
Problem is it takes a long time 2-7 years and longer
Many of us thought we could think our way into a quick fix...some H will turn around, maybe after time after the OW affair burns out, if it does..
MY XH Married her, divorced her and I think they are still together They hate eac hother, she has texted me on occasion sharing her unhappiness and wanting to send him back Her family has contacted me with the same information
He was a sober man no alcohol during M...OW was a drug addict and he became addicted to prescriptions and alcohol
Many MLCers will go down a destructive path You have to watch for this
They will spend ALL the money, take saved money, steal from the home...
If your first attorney was not good, seek another
My experience was different and My divorce L was given to me by a friend who validated his integrity and knowledge He was an excellent L, kind and very smart He helped me enormously save my assets because my xh was trying to put us in debt and almost did
Be smart...watch your credit cards and all accounts move quickly Your H already has his plan in mind you wont be able to stop him
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I wouldn't talk too much to his family as blood is thicker than water and they may attempt to talk to him. The more they attempt to talk to him, the more he's going to pull away and who knows what story he will spin to make you and the marriage look bad. It's best not to share too much because it will make things harder for him to return home to you, if and when he comes to his senses.
MLC is all about depression, confusion and searching for that illusive happiness. Does he appear depressed or confused at times?
Passive/aggressive behavior is a "learned" behavior and more than likely he learned to keep his feelings stuffed down at a very early age in order to keep the peace or stay out of trouble. They are very moody people and react on a dime because their journey is an emotional and spiritual one. We do not have any idea just how deep the hurt and painful scars are because we don't see them and because they have stuffed their feelings way down into their souls for a very long time.
If he's not brought up the separation/divorce, then let it be. The more you give him space and time, the better. Sometimes they will use the "divorce" word to get us to back off and just leave them be. They do like to have control and threaten us at times just to reel us back in and keep us right where they left us pre-crisis. They do not understand that time doesn't stand still and we have to continue moving forward. The time clock is very, very slow because of the depression.
My advice would be to step back, leave him to his space and be cordial if he speaks to you. Keep your responses on point and not lengthy conversations because they can't handle long conversations or text messages. Their brains are like swiss cheese and they do tend to forget very easily and get sick more frequently during the crisis.
Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you. Sit quietly and the answers will come...but if you aren't in a hurry for a divorce...don't bring it up. If he does, then you can address it. If he's ranting about something, just say "I'm sorry that you feel that way" and walk away. Do not get into arguments w/him if you can avoid it. They are miserable human beings and they do not want to see others happy.
Keep the focus on you, live your life to the fullest as if he may not return.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H sent an email last night with S papers. I don’t know how to detach enough to not let this upset me. I’m literally hiding and so emotional ever time it feels like another BD. I know I’m strong enough but have such weak moments that throw me off so badly it’s like my brain shuts down. How do I get the focus I need when moments like these spin me into such great upset over the loss of H and our forever changed / potentially gone R?
You are so very new to what is happening in your life. It is understandable to be upset and fearful of what is to come. You are human and yes, you are going to have days when you get emotional. When you do, allow those feelings to wash over you and then release them. It's not easy to detach from his actions/comments, but in time, you will be able to do so.
One thing you need to come to grips w/is that the old marriage is dead, gone. If, and when, you and your h reconcile, it will have to be a brand new relationship. You cannot go back to the old ways because neither of you will be the same once his crisis is over. You both will have grown by leaps and bounds and at that point, you will be the one to decide whether to try again, not him.
For now, breathe, it's okay to cry and grieve for the loss of the relationship/marriage. It's never easy, but you will need to pick yourself up and think about selecting a lawyer to help you make some decisions. Once you receive separation/divorce papers, you need to look at your situation as a business deal gone sour. Think w/your head and not your heart when dealing w/the separation/divorce. Do not allow him to sway you w/promises of what he will or will not do for you because they change their minds entirely too quickly if things do not go their way.
Breathe! Be kind/gentle to yourself today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kindly... if your H is set on separation and divorce, there is not really anything you can do to stop him. My advice would be to take the separation agreement to a lawyer and review it. I was in the same position as you last year...my normally unorganized H got his sh*t together and presented me with an agreement that, TBH, was actually very reasonable and even weighted a bit in my favour. I know now that there was an OW motivating him to get it done but I didn’t then so the sense of urgency was a bit baffling.
Anyway....I honestly feel that if I had put up a big fight or tried to slow things down, the agreement would have been a lot less favourable for me and it still wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I would still be divorced. So....as hard as it is...you need to deal with this part of things as business like as possible and make sure you get a fair agreement. By all means, take your time and don’t go out of your way to hasten the process but don’t actively try to stop it either because the reality is, you can’t. It takes two people to marry but only one to divorce. At the end of the day, if he wants a divorce, he will get one.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I KNOW how hard this is. But... you CAN and you WILL get through this and you WILL be OKAY. I promise. It gets better with time. (((HUGS)))
If you can get an individual counselor 1-2 x a week to help sort through the pain
we have to grieve and it hurts ..so if you can take the time alone to be there to self care;
journel cry embrace the pain and it will pass..this is very painful..no way around the pain support groups spiritual groups, places of worship, readings of your personal religion or beliefs read exercise sleep or rest u tube videos of positive messages meditate breathe
if he is a heavy drinker you can attend alanon to learn and get support there also
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you Cardinal. I came across your thread yesterday and am in shock over how similar our stories are. I had to double check that your post wasn’t mine! I guess in some strange way it offers support that we are not “crazy” with some of the lines MLC H send our way when you see similar / exact words in black and white from a complete stranger. Sending hugs and support back to you.
Thanks peacetoday. The feelings are definitely real and the reoccurring thought of “who is this alien person and why doesn’t he have the ability to see that he can express how he’s feeling/ talk.” We’ve always been so close yet he says NOTHING.
I have taken steps to improve my nutrition, meditation/breathing for sleep and calming down. I was walking and playing sports but the holidays changed my routine. I will return to both. I find I have major trouble right now reading or even watching tv. Either my concentration just isn’t there or more often the storyline upsets me. I need to find some shows that have no reference to relationships etc....lol!!!
DejaVu6 lol “ my normally unorganized H got his sh*t together”..... I feel exactly the same way. H was threatening papers from a week after DB and hasn’t waivered or stopped brining it up at least once a month.
I looked over the papers and it’s a huge mess...missing info (that benefits him) but I think I’m better to find a lawyer and get their help because I feel like it will be a disastrous conversation if I try to work it out with H on my own. He has said he wants to keep everything amicable but I have my doubts once he realizes more of what by law I’ll be entitled to.
I dug deep and had a very upbeat face to face convo tonight saying I got the doc and will find a lawyer. (This after crying out of the house for most of the morning) He didn’t seem taken aback just more head hung and said “yes it’s time you really do”. I suspect his urgency is an OW but so far only know about EA that H said ended....which I don’t know to be truth or false. Either way I fully realize it doesn’t matter. I am already benefiting so much from the support I am finding on here. It is so nice to know there are people that FULLY understand. Thank you all.
