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97Hope #2912949 01/18/21 04:15 PM
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Taz Offline OP
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Originally Posted by 97Hope


*re: 'boy' friend. Mine is dating probably the most unlikely person. The kids are shocked and even not knowing at first she was OW were just blown away. She's beyond inappropriate (not in age, she has other issues). I know you know this, but truly - it isn't about you.



I do know its not about me now. Fooling around with a 22 year old college student. A former HS classmate of S21. She is hiding it from everyone as well she should. Every time I think about it I just chuckle. So after partying with his friends on a Saturday night if he is unable to pick up a girl he texts STBXW. Then she sneaks off to his dad's house to get him and shuttle him back to her apt. When I verified this from a safe distance, I saw him exit her vehicle from the back seat where he was hiding during the trip. This was at 2:45AM who would see you at this hour?

So sad to devalue oneself in this manner. He'll be headed back to college this weekend so she'll have to look somewhere else for her happiness and validation. I bet he's never visited sober. From my experience, I recall that sex with a drunk college student is that great.

Taz

Last edited by Taz; 01/18/21 04:17 PM.

Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2912951 01/18/21 04:22 PM
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I'm glad you can chuckle. The person who came to me with the information didn't understand why I laughed so loud when she told me who it was.

It was just so absurd. I mean - yes, it's sad and all but also...

"From my experience, I recall that sex with a drunk college student isn't that great."

I mean...I have a lot of words, but I don't want to defile your page. LOL Let's just say "umm..no. even the sober ones don't know what the heck they are doing!" laugh

I read that you attend Mass. I will pray for you and your boys. And I guess I'll pray for your XW, too. ; )

Glad you are ok, Taz. Keep focusing on your growth! It will always pay off in full!!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Taz #2912977 01/19/21 07:24 AM
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Hi Taz, that's great that you've talked to your boys. Must be a big weight off your shoulders. The conversations that come after will be good ones too. A new bond being formed.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Taz #2913127 01/21/21 12:47 PM
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Good Morning Taz

The lows an MLCer sinks too are shocking. Itís staggering to watch our spouse become and do things which are so far from their once loving character.

I am so glad to see you know this is not about you. When I could truthfully state that, it was more that I finally felt it wasnít about me; I had known it for some time by that point. Our emotions coming around, solidify and give validation to our thoughts, which for me actually made me feel like I knew that - now.

This is the cusp of acceptance. The path of it becoming a belief, a conviction, a value, a core truth. Something changes within us when we believe and accept, and it is expressed in our thoughts, feelings, and actions. That spiritual path which affects and influences everything.

It is sad how one in crisis so devalues themselves. My XW had openly flirted with the high school boys, at the track met, with my son present, while living with OM. What an emotional mess!

Your STBXW is a troubled and lost soul. She unfortunately is upon a path which you, and really no one, can reach or alter. She must traverse her crisis, herself, and in her time.

We LBS have our path to walk as well. One which we, thankfully, are open to company and suggestions. It is good to see your notation of ďSTBXWĒ. Accurate and accepting. A big step along the path.

Stay strong my friend. Continue walking the good path.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Taz #2913406 01/24/21 10:09 PM
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Taz, happy/sad that you found this out. Its not about you. I swore up and down to the DB Caoch and 2 ICs that my STBXW could not possibly be having an affair. But guess what.

And WTF is wrong with these people? In my sitch, STBXW is Ivy league educated and beautiful. She knowns as the "Hot Mom" at school. She ghosts out for 3-4 hours on an afternoon with OM who I bet is married . Texts from the house and phone calsl out on her 4 mile bike rides that last 2 hours. How is that fulfilling? It's not.Its rebellion and degrading.

You ask what is good about college sex? It's not about sex it's about rebellion. Your STBXW probably wold have turned this guy down in college.

OK now. Stop snooping. You found out what you needed to know. New OMs or whatever only hurts you. The person you knew would not do this. The completley different person you saw is doing it.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
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Originally Posted by NickWing
And WTF is wrong with these people?


If we knew that we could REALLY do something! lol


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
97Hope #2915533 02/24/21 01:13 AM
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Hi all,

Not much to report in my situation. I completed the financials for STBXW,s D over a month ago but have yet to receive a settlement offer. I am trucking on with my GAL and have only heard from her 2 times since Xmas. One was an email with tax info that I did not respond to and the other was a text to let me know that she visited S19 at school and it went well.

I have seen her from a distance at mass twice and she is always sitting with her new BFF who is also recently divorced.

I have had a few counseling sessions and a discussion with our priest. Donít talk to friends or family about the situation much any more.

I still come here and read almost every day which is very helpful.

Keep up the good work!

Taz


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2915865 03/02/21 02:06 AM
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Hello Taz

How did you find the counselling sessions? Or the talk with the priest? Was it helpful?

Is spring starting to spring we here you are? Here, it was -35C this morning, and is predicted to be +11C on Saturday. Wild shift in temperature. Maybe spring is around the corner; Iíve had enough of winter. Lol.

Take care buddy.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Taz #2921880 07/26/21 07:27 PM
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Hi all,

Time for an update. Since my last post both of my sons are a year older and I'm happy to report that I am no longer a parent to any teenagers. S22 graduated with a MET degree from a Big Ten University in May. He only got two tickets to the graduation ceremony and he chose to have me and S20 attend. I am sure STBXW was disappointed but his choice and I stayed out of it. He landed a job as a field service engineer and will be relocating from the Midwest to Colorado when training is complete.

S20 is taking some summer school classes and working part time. He seems quite depressed and is most likely tired of me asking him if he's ok. I have recommended getting him some IC but he doesn't want to so I am still trying to determine how to navigate this. He just can't accept that his mom has changed into a person he no longer recognizes. They have seen each other once in the last 5 months. He can go visit her anytime he wants but refuses too. I assume that seeing her in her current state is just too painful for him.

I'm doing well. I have been killing it with my workouts and cardio and my weight is holding steady. Currently at a BMI of 21. I go out with friends 2-3 times a week and have two long weekend trips planned in the next couple of months.

My fathers health is on the decline and he is no longer able to properly care for his cattle. I have been spending every other weekend or so down on the farm keeping the place mowed, repairing fences, etc. Hope to negotiate a deal with a cattle broker soon to get them sold and put my mother's mind at ease.

Still working on detachment from STBXW. She has not spoken to me since Christmas and I have only received 4 business texts in this timeframe. I have not initiated any contact with her. Her legal team has had my financial declaration for 6 months and I have not heard a peep from them. I know that this means nothing.

I still read daily and appreciate all the sage guidance from the veteran members. I hope one day to be in a place to pay it forward.

Still standing,

Taz


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2921912 07/27/21 02:25 AM
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Hello Taz

Itís wonderful to hear from you and to get an update. You sound healthy and quite fit. Good for you!

Iím so glad S22 choose to have you and S20 attend his graduation. That must be quite validating for you. I know those kind of things were for me. Our kids see and know what is going on. Have faith, they will do right.

Nice to see S22 landed a job. I bet he is excited. Good for him!

Sorry to hear S20 is having some difficulties. Everyone progresses at their own rate.

Originally Posted by Taz
He seems quite depressed and is most likely tired of me asking him if he's ok. I have recommended getting him some IC but he doesn't want to so I am still trying to determine how to navigate this. He just can't accept that his mom has changed into a person he no longer recognizes.

How to navigate. You only control you, and S20 controls himself. So, lead by example and gently influence.

You are likely correct, S20 is depressed. And if you think are asking if he is ok too often, you probably are.

Instead of questions to gauge his emotional state, talk with him. Tell him of interesting things. Show your interest in his interests. S20 will come around and start filling in all kinds of details.

It takes a good while to gentle encourage someone to walk their path. There are plenty of times in which the person needs to just sit for a while and consider where they are. Thatís ok. Perfectly normal. Just be there. And love him.

My goodness there was so many times at the beginning when I just asked such straightforward questions. I cared. I was scared. I didnít know; well to be accurate I didnít remember; how to talk with someone, how to empathize. The more I healed, the better things became.

It will take time for S20 to find acceptance of his Momís new behaviour. He has a lot of grief to traverse. Depression is a necessary and difficult step along that path. Be kind, gentle, and empathize with him.

Originally Posted by Taz
They have seen each other once in the last 5 months. He can go visit her anytime he wants but refuses too. I assume that seeing her in her current state is just too painful for him.

Taz, learn what the reason is. Donít assume.

I donít mean for you to find out directly. This is an encouragement for your path. An encouragement for you to illustrate a gentle bit of leading and inspiring for your son. You lead him to open up his feelings to you and therefore to himself. Thatís the goal. Your task is to find an empathic way to accomplish that.

Iíve found encouraging my kids to talk about Mom, her behaviours, how she behaved; talking about the factual situation lead them to talking about their feelings more. ďOh my God, she actually showed up at school. In the afternoon. In the middle of the hallway with everyone around. And told you off in front of your classmates. Holy moly!Ē Validating my daughterís day lead to her telling me of the embarrassment and anger she felt towards Mom. You probably can see how my summary of my daughterís story of her day would further her discussion. People usually want to talk about what matters to them. Just got to find out what that is.

S20 is refusing to see Mom. My S20 does mostly the same thing. I doubt for your son it because itís too painful. Iíd bet son is angry. Is upset with her morals, her choices, her devaluing him in her selfish efforts to live her wonderful life.

You might be surprised at just how deep and wise and strong willed and faithful a son youíve raised. It is an incredible conundrum for them - she is his Mom and she is this person. Heíd normally have nothing to do with this woman, except she is his Mom. Gentle guidance my friend - these poor kids are looking and trying to find their path amidst the wreckage. Be their role model.

Kind, compassion, understanding, accepting, and forgiving. I know, quite a path. Your light will draw them forward.


Originally Posted by Taz
Still standing

I like it. Proud of you.

And nowÖ

For whom do you stand?

I really want to hear your beliefs, feelings, and thoughts on this. So no pressure. Lol

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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