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unchien Offline OP
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Thanks may.

I dont want to be in a tug of war with the kids. The fact is we would not have moved if she would have been willing to live in a less expensive home. She refused. I wont tell the kids that. But it is my truth. I wanted the best for my W and kids and felt like moving would provide that.

Its really unfortunate (but expected I guess) that my W has decided to impose her narrative on the kids. It sounds like the conversation happened awhile ago. But regardless she gave them this impression.

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LH - it is her version of events. I wont convince her otherwise. And addressing it with her (like I would appreciate if you leave the kids out of it) is likely to sound to her as controlling, no?

I definitely feel that instinct to address it with her. But then DB instincts tell me to just talk to my kids.

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Nope its BS even if it is her perceived reality. It is putting thoughts in your childrens heads that dont belong there.

Last edited by LH19; 01/04/20 08:57 PM.
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If you dont cut it off at the pass then the dynamic because your W (we will be nice) exaggerates the truth then you have to straighten things out with the kids which in turn you end up to them calling mom a liar.

U strength is a good thing. Show her you will not tolerate this sort of behavior in a respectful but firm way.

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unchien Offline OP
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I texted her and she denied and said maybe they heard it from me. She said please dont jump to conclusions. I said well they didnt hear it from me and it seemed a lot like her version of events. More gaslighting...

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Really spinning tonight, caught in a negative thought cycle. Just feeling lonely and lost and afraid. Unsure of myself. Intellectually I know this is just a cycle but emotionally I feel really down.

Probably to be expected I guess, given whats going on.

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Hey,

Totally to be expected. Don't beat yourself up about it. It is OK to feel all those feelings. Can you try a session of meditation? Journal and get all those feelings down on paper?

We're all here for you.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Hey U -

It's ok to feel down, man. I've been there too and you've helped pull me out of a lot of ruts.

Remember -

- You don't HAVE to do anything.

- There are always more than two options.

- These emotions you are feeling will pass.

- Thoughts are only thoughts, they are not reality.

Have you started reading E.T? That book came along at my lowest and it helped me claw my way out of a very negative cycle. I think you'll really like it too.

Take care, man smile

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Thanks may, IW -

I did start reading that book last week - it has been good so far, I like the style where it can be consumed in small chunks.

There are still some things that feel like cold hard facts: I need to protect myself. I need to rebuild a life including a stronger support network. I need to work on being happy. I need to be there for my kids. I am overwhelmed by life. Three kids, full time job, new city, possibly a nasty D coming...

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U, I'm so sorry for all the [bleep] you are going through. That anxiety cycle is kicking in, you're aware of it which is in tune with emotional awareness which you advised me of, yet still can't snap out of it. I know the feeling. Exhausting, cant focus on anything else, and no matter what you tell yourself, its not fully alleviating the anxiety and the other feelings it brings.

Self validate my friend, its doing so much for me. I can tell you're trying to fix or stop your own feelings to get relief from the anxiety. Stop invalidating and avoiding. Validate.

Its weird but ask yourself out loud..:

What am I feeling? (Identify it by name...fear, worry, frustration) Why are you feeling that way?

Explore it, is it normal to feel this way (yes), do others feel this way in similar situations (yes).

Tell yourself, it is totally normal and justified to feel how I am right now. I'm in an emotionally and physically exhausting situation.

Dont tell yourself to get over it, that you shouldn't feel this way, and dont tell yourself you dont want to feel this way. You do feel as you do, why not face and embrace?

The drummer from the band Skillet once said about anxiety along the lines of, "dont let anxiety chase you. Flip it around. Chase the anxiety". Chase it by validating.

You got this, U.

Last edited by Core; 01/05/20 03:19 PM.

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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