Why would you be interested in talking to someone who is cheating on you and wanting to D you?
Core, you need to decide what is best.
If I had followed this advice, I'd be divorced today.
No way you could possibly know this.
Core, be wary of anyone that talks in absolutes or gives guarantees.
I don't want to hijack the thread, but I DO KNOW this. My W told me.
Yeah. My WAW told me a lot of things. She doesn't even know. Again, there are no guarantees or absolutes in these stitches.
Also your confrontational posting style is very reminiscent of another recent poster. Interesting you joined about the same time that poster was shamed into disappearing by being caught using multiple screen names.....
Last edited by Steve85; 01/03/2012:45 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm 5m since BD and 3m DB from my WAW. I'm going through almost the exact same feelings as yourself. I am still providing for her/us and she hates me. Crazy tough. I want to be with this woman ? I still react to her and battle these questions daily. Watching her going out and having fun without me...I question why fight ? Well I still believe there is a chance for us and the kids. In the process and the hardest part is GAL myself. She is out for herself right now and I need to get out for myself. Everything is so against my nature, but I am looking at this as the biggest challenge of my life. However, also realizing much is out of my control.
Like you, I question how we got here and if I want this long term. I really don't know right now, but want to keep the door open.
Detach from the rejection and not so much her per say.
I do see changes though. Have faith, my friend, but like you this is no short road. And to where I don't know.
I am getting better at myself and DB. I make far less conversation mistakes now and have started to become better naturally. I never show anger around her anymore. I naturally suppress it now and listen better. Have better prepared responses. No matter how shitty and angry I am coming over, I act happy, confident and fun around her and the kids. I try to give her space and do the opposite of some bad behaviors i used to have around her.
She has a HUGE guard up and flat told me she was done back at BD, but I will be stronger in the end if I fight for this. She feels things will go back once I am content. I just keep making lasting changes (not 100% sure what she wants anyways) and she will have to decide at some point.
Good luck friend I will keep following and maybe help each other.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
My W and I have had many conversations about what happened. Many. She told me numerous times that she appreciated that I was available to talk and that it showed a willingness to change. I'm about 8 years ahead of you.
As for your other comment, I didn't realize you thought that and I see this is important to you. I am gonna have to think about that a little more. I appreciate you being so open and honest with me.
My W and I have had many conversations about what happened. Many. She told me numerous times that she appreciated that I was available to talk and that it showed a willingness to change. I'm about 8 years ahead of you.
As for your other comment, I didn't realize you thought that and I see this is important to you. I am gonna have to think about that a little more. I appreciate you being so open and honest with me.
Mario, my point is that you can't look back and say "if I did that this would happen". Even if that is what she says. How she would have reacted to tough love may mean you'd be even further ahead than the 8 years you claim now. WHO KNOW??
As far as my feedback, as my favorite Texan TV counselor says: you can't fix what you don't acknowledge.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hope you are doing well. It sounds like you've had a roller coaster the last couple of days. to me it's a natural cycle. You hate being in limbo, want to do something, the only thing that can really do is file for the D yourself, but you don't want it. Then you start to get angry with your W because of what they did and how they justified it, then feel sad.
Being treated "poorly" is subjective. And it allows one to become a 'victim' ...
What exactly are you afraid of Core ?
Good points. What I'm afraid of is S1 learning that this is ok for a woman to do. For D4 to learn to treat others this way. For the marriage to end and the kids to go through turmoil. I'm afraid my plans to retire will be greatly delayed due to the financial impact. Im afraid to move to an unsafe neighborhood with poor schools as I can't afford any better while paying daycare, child support and alimony. I'm afraid of missing half their childhoods and of studies that show single parents have much less quality time with their kids. Thats all the tip of the iceberg.
Originally Posted by Mario
Anyone here who says they weren't mad or upset at their spouses is a GD liar. I'm sure in your mind, you've turned what she's done into the worst things ever. A small reading on this site shows you that people have been treated 100X worse than you have. So some perspective is in order. That is not to minimize how she's treating you. Everyone deserves some respect.
But you have to remember that maybe your W felt this way about you for years. Many LBS seem to forget and want to focus on the hurt they are experiences.
True Mario, she did indeed feel hurt for some time. Not to mitigate her feelings but that words that caused the feelings she told me are plain wrong. As an example, she said I told her I wished she was dead. In reality, I told her I wished she stayed away longer as she came home one day and immediately nagged me over something out of my control. Her feelings and perceptions are far from the true facts. She says I've a bad memory and I'm misremembering but its not true.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Contempt and hate have no place in a relationship. Are you sure it isn't anger and resentment?
Patience is the key to DBing. Your BD isn't even 4 months ago. Remember, MARATHON not a SPRINT!
Steve, thank you for continuing to support! Honestly I can't identify the feelings. Feels like hate. I dont like seeing her, listening to her, being in her presence. Maybe its resentment, frustration. Hard to let it go as I'm near positive the EA continues. I read your thread you made for newbies. Its beautiful. I wish I read if day one. I probably would've still broke rules but maybe less.
Originally Posted by Jac12
Patience Core...try empathy - she's going through something that she needs to figure out on her own. Quite likely, this isn't about you at all. Detach, give space, and don't give her reasons to vilify you.
The thing is, what she's going through is ending up with her doing the worst thing you can do in a marriage both to me and our god which she supposedly follows. She even said god told her to do what shes doing. I cant empathize with something so wrong. On the vilify comment, thats a good point. Everything you say and do with a WAS will be used against you.
Originally Posted by unchien
[quote=Mario] Core ~ I've commented a few times on your thread about NGS and anxiety. I see a lot of myself in your posts.
These situations are emotional gauntlets. One of the best things you can do (in my humble opinion) ESPECIALLY if you have NG tendencies and issues with anxiety... work on your emotional awareness.
Everyone has a different level of tolerance and patience in their sitch. How do we deal with poor treatment? Well... if it's bad enough, we set boundaries. Otherwise, we learn to deal with it by handling our own emotions and giving our WAS the time and space they need while we work on ourselves as well. I'm not being flippant -- this is really really hard to do, but the more you can deal with your own emotions in a healthy way, you will be better off in so many ways.
You are spending your precious mental energy worrying about one possible future which may not happen. Is this useful?
U, you read me like a book. I follow your thread as I often see you post the same things I'm feeling or thinking. I like to think I'm a smart dude but when its comes to emotional awareness, I swear D4 is already smarter than me. I am workingon it though. My IC told me she's noticed immense growth. I do continue to waste mental energy in hypothicals. Glad you pointed that out. Something to continue to work on.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Yeah. My WAW told me a lot of things. She doesn't even know.
This scares me. WAS don't even remember what they did or said?? So if they are overly emotional or stuck in feelings l, they forget. My W has always been feeling and emotional driven. This could be her entire life living that way.
So I noticed W got an email to text again at 11:52 on New Years Eve. No doubt it had to be OM. Being early in this sitch, I'm to expect this to happen possibly a year or more? W and I barely talk as it is. Less that roomates, friends, coparents do. Its like living with a void, thats trying to constantly suck me in. I think the only way to drop the rope for me is to D, yet I cannot per vows to my friends, family and god. To Mario's point, she hasn't asked for D since the initial BD. In our recent chat, she did say "ok, if you want, Ill start mediation in the new year". More of a threat/control than a want.
OM if he's still in the picture...he is a WEIRD person. His posts are non sensible tripe. He looks feminine, seems to have not yet broken free of his party phase, in way worse shape than I and is constantly posting things that look like him seeking validation. My confidence took a huge hit seeing that this is what W if willing to destroy me and the family over.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
OM if he's still in the picture...he is a WEIRD person. His posts are non sensible tripe. He looks feminine, seems to have not yet broken free of his party phase, in way worse shape than I and is constantly posting things that look like him seeking validation. My confidence took a huge hit seeing that this is what W if willing to destroy me and the family over.
My advice don't focus on the OM. I wouldn't even look at him on social media or wherever. Nothing good can come of it.
Are you still checking your W's texts? Do you think that helps or hurts with your anxiety/anger/etc?
I'm 5m since BD and 3m DB from my WAW. I'm going through almost the exact same feelings as yourself. I am still providing for her/us and she hates me. Crazy tough. I want to be with this woman ? I still react to her and battle these questions daily. Watching her going out and having fun without me...I question why fight ? Well I still believe there is a chance for us and the kids. In the process and the hardest part is GAL myself. She is out for herself right now and I need to get out for myself. Everything is so against my nature, but I am looking at this as the biggest challenge of my life. However, also realizing much is out of my control.
She has a HUGE guard up and flat told me she was done back at BD, but I will be stronger in the end if I fight for this. She feels things will go back once I am content. I just keep making lasting changes (not 100% sure what she wants anyways) and she will have to decide at some point.
Good luck friend I will keep following and maybe help each other.
Greenman, I'm following your sitch as well and am hoping for the best for you and the family. GAL can mean many things which don't always mean going out if your more introverted. I got the same exact thing..."I think you'll just change back"...I see this now as gaslighting and maybe projection.
Originally Posted by Mario
Core,
Hope you are doing well. It sounds like you've had a roller coaster the last couple of days. to me it's a natural cycle. You hate being in limbo, want to do something, the only thing that can really do is file for the D yourself, but you don't want it. Then you start to get angry with your W because of what they did and how they justified it, then feel sad.
it can be exhausting. Take care of yourself man.
Mario you nailed it. I'm going through that rollercoaster about once per month at this point. In regards to the exhaustion tou mentioned, its quite true and kills some GAL activities I try. I've taken quite a few naps when I could've GAL and stayed in with S1 for NYE instead of going out. How long did the rollercoaster last for you? Did you have young kids in your sitch forcing you and W to stay together during the whole sitch?
Last edited by Core; 01/03/2005:16 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
