Sorry if this is a little jumbled. I didn’t sleep much....
Went to the gym after work, and came home to find a collections notice for a power bill rerouted to my wife’s house, as she’s the account holder. She’s stated that she’d change account holder name to me, 4x now, and didn’t. Awesome. I proceed to give her a call.
We got into it on we the kids as I requested them to spend the night at my house today (Friday). Basically, they said no. No? We are their parents and we say what goes. W says she cannot push them as it causes the D to go into a meltdown. She’s not wanting to push my daughter to stay with me and does not want to split them 50/50. I stated, as adults, we are the ones who should be setting their schedules for stays, and not them. She wasn’t hearing it. She started saying she didn’t know the D15’s cause of anxiety but to let her know if I discovered why.
I suggested that the 3 of us sit down and discuss, possibly with my daughters therapist. I want my wife and I to state to the kids that this 50/50 split is what we think is best. I’m trying not to involve lawyers but that’s what it’s coming to.
W reiterated she’s had 15 years of hell with me and that she’s 100% done with this marriage. What a difference from the last time we talked!
I didn’t get a lot of sleep over this. Spent the night alone in my house without alcohol. I haven’t felt this awful and anxious in a long time.
We tried to warn you not to get a head of yourself. I think it’s time to lawyer up and get a custody agreement. I think it is a good idea to have the conversation with a therapist.
We have our second mediation session this coming week. Nothing has changed since Sept. The status quo is becoming the new normal and it doesn't work for me.
Not sure if I got ahead of myself or really stood up for myself. Asking the kids to spend one night with me this week while they are on winter break from school isn't asking a lot.
I contacted the lawyer - she's out until Tues but was made aware of the situation and will get back to me before then.
I didn’t get a lot of sleep over this. Spent the night alone in my house without alcohol. I haven’t felt this awful and anxious in a long time.
Good job not using alcohol. I was temped during my sitch, but chose to not drink. I am glad. There are some good self soothing techniques out there. Learning to turn off your brain and fall asleep is a great skill to have.
Any thoughts come up, I tell myself to worry about THAT tomorrow. I slowly count down by threes from 100 to 0. I focus on relaxing my body as I count down. I start with my face, then my shoulders and work my way down. I focus on slow deep breaths. If I get to zero, I start over.
Now, I don't think I make it to 80 very often.
You deserve 50/50. Stand for that. Do not settle. I am glad I did. Your relationship with your kids is the only thing that matters.
You can handle this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Lawyer stated to attend a joint therpay session or two with D15's therapist, D15 and W. We will be doing that tomorrow. She stated to remain available to D15 through this and that D15 probably unjustly feels that you caused the impending D.
No contact with W since our last discussion. A few times during the last discussion, I asked her to please not speak to me in a certain negative tone. She replied "I will talk you you HOWEVER I WANT TO TALK TO YOU". She's said that exact sentence three times since BD and it's horrible. Next time, I am saying 'you are obviously upset. I am done with this conversation and will resume it in the future". Why the heck am i wanting to R with this person?!
I've been feeling odd lately - some hours I feel like I failed my marriage and am just a disappointment. Other time, I feel really good about myself and that some things in life are coming around! I do have a shred of hope left for my sitch, but more and more, I am accepting divorce. I'm becoming happy on my own. I am wanting to change some things (mostly furniture) in my house so I can relax here and read books!
I went to a Successful Singles Meetup last weekend and it was a little strange - a lot of people there who were just angry, or saddened, or obvious fakes. I went to try to find some people my age that might be suitable friends. A lot of folks there just seemed lonely and not doing "the work". Thinking I do some co-ed sports instead of this group.
A coworker of mine mentioned he and his wife were fighting so much that he stayed with a friend for 9 out of 14 days. He was kind of cocky about the whole situation. I asked how he'd feel if his wife would leave him. He paused for a second and just said he envied me and my freedom. I started thinking that being alone is better than being in a s [censored]tty marriage. I told him to be careful and that everyone has a limit to the stuff they will deal with.
I am going to start a list of things I am greatful for each day. I read that in a post and it sounds like a great idea. I started to play guitar again too.
W emailed me today basically itemizing costs for two things: an upcoming sporting competition trip that my son needs to attend and her moving expenses (she needs a washer dryer etc). She will be moving off of my street to a new rental on 3/1/2020. She stated a few pieces of furniture in the house that she'd like to have once she moves. She signed the email off with a nice little dig on me - 'Please let me know what you are will to do in order to to help the kids and me transition smoothly'.
"Her and the kids" ...its like she just assumes control/custody of the kids.
I've been paying monthly child support to her since we separated.
I'm thinking the moving expenses are all on her. Does she help with repairs/maintenance/anything that I am incurring on our current house? No.
I am a little up in the air on my son's sporting trip expenses. He is part of a travel team and needs to attend. I am thinking of saying that we need to divide his trips between us.
My mind is kind of swirling - I am feeling like my M is definitely over and I feel like I am nothing more than a missing paycheck to her. I n a weird way, I am going to miss them being on the same street.
One thing that keeps coming back to me is this huge feeling of guilt - Like my W was suffering all this time and I didn't see it; that I destroyed the M. I know I've read it takes two people to make an M fail. I just feel ripped off in this whole marriage thing. I just can't belive not once did she even try to fix things. I am scared I might spend the rest of my life alone.
I bougth a book this week called: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. First 50 pages were a great read thus far.
I feel like I have turned a page on detachment. I'm wondering more and more when you "will know" you are good to date again.
