Another thing FM like stander said you are so amped up about recon that you might scare her away. How do you feed a squirrel? Do you chase after it or do you hold out your hand and wait until the squirrel feels safe enough to come to you?
Sit her down and listen and validate her feelings. You are her dad and her rock and she needs to feel safe with you. Assure her that you hear her concerns and you are addressing them. Do not get upset because she will play off your emotions. Calm, cool and collective. You can do it.
My aunt heard from D15 during the visit that the reasons D15 won't stay over is 1) I got a new gal too quickly and brought her out to a fire dept outing and 2) my historic alcohol usage.
Out of the mouth of babes. I agree with LH, DO NOT address this, at least in the manner suggested, with D15. Instead, learn from it. Is D15 not correct? Some of us have suggested this to you already that the very last thing you should be doing is finding a new woman at this point. i have to wonder how much that has set you back not only with D15 but with WAW. This seems to be a problem for you - even now - saying you have this urge to go online to find another woman. It's almost like a drug for you - like an addict needing their drug.
Likewise, drinking is not the answer either. I again have to wonder if you are not self medicating both with alcohol and with women. You see how it has looked to your daughter. How does it look to your W? Turn the tables, how would you feel if your W drank to excess or as soon as you told her you are not happy in the M she found another guy. I get she did find another guy - I get it - but how did it make you feel?
If you want to try to save your M you have got to STOP with other women. Drinking is also not the answer. You need to do more of what you did over the holidays and the unplanned trip with the family. THAT is what will attract your W back. Who wants to leave a guy that does things like taking his kids on a spur of the moment trip, being a great dad and having a great time in doing so. Now who wants to leave a guy that grabs the first woman he can find and drinks too much? It seems pretty simple when looked at this way, doesn't it?
Listen to what the others have posted about not pushing too much with WAW and what has happened. We've seen this before, where the WAW or WW spouse starts to come back and gets scared away again. Don't pursue - just be your best self, continue to GAL and for God's sake stay off OLD and away from the bottle.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
LH - Im sorry, I should also mention, D15 does not want to talk to me about these concerns. I've historically asked her numerous times why she wont stay over and I hear: 'nothing!", "all my stuff is at mom's place", "I don't wanna talk about it".
She opened up to my aunt during the trip but it seems this was done in confidence. My aunt wanted me to know what my W had done.
My W has said she isn't going to make the kids do what the DONT want to do and is, therefore, pushing to get 100% custody.
I want my D15 home 50/50 but, at the same time, I don't wanna scare off the squirrel.
DonH - I am printing that reply to keep in my wallet. I have been self-medicating with both. It's does seem pretty simple the way you explained it. I do have this need for validation but I have stayed off of OLD.
I need to focus on how things look from the W's perspective.
W is probably not in an emotional place to be taking accountability or discussion for the downfall of the marriage at this time. When and if she ever is I would think it would be years and years down the road after D or a few years out when piecing gets involved. Just my opinion. Not that I know from experience? Feelings are feelings they can go up and down depending on what we think about and how other people perceive us, and how we interact with them in one way, shape or form. Commitment is commitment. Its important we dustingish the difference and practice never allowing another person to knock us off our center. Easier said than done. But it takes time and eventually we get back there. My key for me is to try to balance emotions with reason and logic.
I’m not sure of your entire sitch but it sounds you need a court order. How would your w feel about not forcing the kids to do what they don’t want to do if they wanted to spend all their time with you? I wouldn’t want to recon with a woman who cheated on me and was trying to prevent me from seeing my children.
Unfortunately I don't have it in my notes so I'll give you the short version:
You've got to allow your WAW to come to you, you can't pursue her. It's similar to feeding a squirrel- you've got to hold the food out and hold perfectly still and let the squirrel come to you and take the food out of your hand. If you get impatient and try to move the food closer to the squirrel, it will immediately run away and back up the tree and the whole process starts all over again. So you've got to be very patient and hold perfectly still and let the squirrel approach as slowly as it wants.
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I did mention that I think we should get a marriage counselor if that's the route we decide to go - I will stop suggesting that as advised.
I mean you are right, but it needs to be her idea. She needs to get to the point where she is serious enough to do the work herself. If you try to speed her along, well like the squirrel she's going to run back up the tree.
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I am thinking I should just proceed with my GAL and focus on the kids. Let her make the next move to come back and keep the road home well paved. It's hard not to get my hopes up.
Yes this is exactly it. And hey, it's OK to have hope. Just don't let it push you into pursuit mode.
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One last thing, and I'd love thoughts on this. My aunt heard from D15 during the visit that the reasons D15 won't stay over is 1) I got a new gal too quickly and brought her out to a fire dept outing and 2) my historic alcohol usage. W told D15 thats the reason had to leave the home and bring the kids with her.
My aunt advised I sit down with W and D15 together and discuss this and how the W actually contributed to the downfall too. My W has basically villanized me to D15.
LBSs do often get vilified by the WAS. This is why we talk about actions not words. Show that you are the rock and the lighthouse. I wouldn't have a joint discussion with W, but you might tell D you've noticed she seems to not want to visit much and ask her if she wants to talk about it. If she does want to talk then LISTEN and VALIDATE. Don't tell her she's wrong, or that your W is lying or whatever. If you listen then that will earn you far more points with D than any explanation you offer up, no matter how good you might think it is. Remember, her perception is her reality. Don't argue with her perception, validate it. If she doesn't want to talk then tell her you understand, that you love her, and that you are always there for her if she changed her mind.
Hey F, all of these behavioral mods take time. You need to have that time and patience too. Own your D15 trust. Don´t push: listen and validate as AS says. Once a Dber always a Dber. Remember that.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
