My parents didn't love me and I've felt like an unlovable loser my entire life. I still think someone out there can make me feel lovable.
There is just so much insight in these two sentences. Much of how we feel along with who we are is related to and rooted in our childhood and R with our parents. If you feel your parents didn't love you, that is going to or has written on the slate of who you are. That really needs to be addressed with a professional.
The thing is, having someone else make you feel lovable is not the way to go about it. You first need to learn how to love yourself. That is the key to being in the position for someone else to love you. I know I and others have said it before but finding someone to help you with this can very much start as simply as telling them exactly what you just told us - that you have never felt loved, continue to feel unlovable, and are trying to fix that by finding someone to fix it for you. They can take it from there.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
If your there for her and are able to validate her feelings with zero judgment she will open up to you.
If you only make one change in your behavior, this is the important one.
My step daughter told me "You are the only person that listens to me". This is what you want your kids to say to you. Or "thanks for listening". Or "Thanks for being here for me".
Listen without judgment. Listen to understand how she feels. Love her unconditionally.
D14 has distanced herself from me for years. It feels like an uphill battle and I'm afraid I'll spook her. We were getting closer until she moved in with him. She saw him as the better choice (I get this). What has happened now is he isn't there so I'm starting to look more appealing. He tries but he's got a lot on his plate.
D14 says he's confused as to why they would rather be with me (I get this too). He remembers the old me, the selfish me and doesn't know how much work I've done. She says he wants to know what I'm making her for dinner so he can make it for her too. I'm a good cook and he thinks her newfound interest in me is food related. This is partially true. To avoid triggers I'm cooking new recipes and he wants to know what they are. It's called pinterest.
There is just so much insight in these two sentences. Much of how we feel along with who we are is related to and rooted in our childhood and R with our parents. If you feel your parents didn't love you, that is going to or has written on the slate of who you are.
My parents loved me the best they could and I forgave them a long time ago. But understanding and forgiveness isn't enough I'm actually going to have to...DO something about it.
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The thing is, having someone else make you feel lovable is not the way to go about it. You first need to learn how to love yourself.
Finding someone else is just the easy way out. A way to bypass this awful pain of being dumped. I feel worthless and abandoned and much of it is old wounds from childhood that I've been running from. Deep in my heart I know the only solution is to put one foot in front of the other on my own. It's just hard. Being a LBS has motivated me to change but change stinks.
Tonight the kids (19, 17 and 14) and I played video games. I was silly, fun and had them all laughing.
I wished WAH was here. Why? He's not fun and he doesn't laugh. Maybe he does now but he didn't with us not even when the kids were little. Fun sex after but most of the time it was used as currency by me. I gave him lots of sex in return for crumbs of attention. I did want him but I was not fulfilled.
Playing with the kids isn't fulfilling unless I'm getting attention from a man. What the heck is this?? I had an EA with my father from the age of 13, totally enmeshed. I will discuss this with a professional I'm just wondering if anyone has any insights as to why I'm like this. Always been in a R with a man so I don't know anything else? Don't know how to be alone because I've never been alone?
On a good note D14 was here until midnight. We have a ways to go but we are doing well.
This is really stuff way above and beyond our pay grade here. I don’t even think the rest of us should be speculating about that.
There is one person who should try to answer those questions. And that is you. When you ask yourself those questions, why do you come up with? You recognize it, and that’s good, but now you need to ask yourself why.
I agree w/Ginger...we could speculate about the situation w/your father, but it is best that we don't because we are not professionals and as you pointed out....this is something you need to discuss w/a professional who can help you navigate those thoughts and feelings and discover why you had the need to have a relationship w/a man.
Learning to live alone and be comfortable w/your own company is difficult for some. I think that it is good that you are thinking and starting to wonder about yourself and your past. Talk to a professional about those thoughts and feelings. Discussions w/that professional will definitely help you find your way.
The new year is around the corner and w/that new year, you will continue to grow and ask yourself questions, questions that really do need to be answered in order to help you move forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kas - from my reading you seem to know a lot about yourself. You understand what you are and how you behave. What you are looking for is why you're that way. Ginger is right, we cannot answer that - only you can. Recognising your own shortcomings is an
Getting to the root cause of why you need a man to validate you is something only you can answer. Ideally you would do this in IC, but I seem to recall that money was an issue, so it may be something you will have to do on your own. I cannot offer you much on this front other than the steps I went through in my IC (I never really got much out of this, but it might help you). Our relationship with our parents shape who become in later life, including how we see ourselves and the way we handle conflict. There is a wealth of resources online which can help you with this. Google affect of relationship with parents, read as widely as possible, and take in what resonates with you (note: not everything will).
Looking at the past and understanding how you got here is a useful psychoanalytic tool, but it is an internal activity. It doesn't change the behaviour. Only gives you a better understanding of it. Changing behaviour is an active exercise. Go to the movies on your own, go to dinner on your own, sit in a coffee shop on your own. Strike up conversations with strangers - and I don't mean flirting, I mean simply talking to people again. The waiter, the barista etc. These simple human interactions will in their own small way teach you, overtime, you are a person worth knowing.
I am glad the relationship with D14 is moving in the right direction and the night with the kids sounds like it was fun. Don't worry about thoughts of your H creeping in. Let them in but remind yourself that you are having fun without him (i.e. he doesn't bring the fun) and that it is his loss.
***spending time with my girls today but wanted to put this out there while it was fresh in my head. I was up all night thinking about this***
Yes I need to get back into IC. I've had 20 years of therapy so these thoughts aren't new. I've rehashed my whole father thing for decades. I'm over that. As long as I was with WAH it's unlikely I'd ever heal and I've known that for years but by the time I figured it out I had kids. I would never leave my kids to pursue my own happiness.
But I didn't have a say in this so I got dumped so he could pursue greener pastures. He thought the kids would support his pursuit of happiness and well he's stupid.
Anyway I think I figured it out. I'm recreating my childhood to get it right this time. My father wasn't there for me other than to provide a roof over my head beyond that he was content to be the center of my universe. Well content isn't the right word because he wasn't happy.
I think I'm looking for validation from a man who isn't there for me. I think if I can just make that man happy my life will be grand. Right. lol
This is codependency in it's purest form. It will be difficult but I can fix this.
Out shopping. Forgot to mention WAH wants to get rid of the pets. I can’t afford them and the only house I could get doesn’t take pets. Landlord is there often so hiding them isn’t an option besides he was kind to me.
WAH wanted to put our dog down the minute she got sick and he tells the kids this over Christmas dinner. He’s tired of taking care of them.
I can move in September and omg I hope I can pull that off. Just another $100 a month gets me a much nicer place. Couldn’t stretch my budget because I didn’t qualify. For $200 more I can get a 4 bedroom
I regret cancelling the temporary support hearing in May. None of the kids want to live with him and now I'm stuck until my lease is up in 9 months. For $185 more a month I could have gotten a 4 bedroom house. My attorney tried to tell me this but I didn't listen. People here tried to tell me this and I didn't listen.
New strategy.....D14 says she will be okay where she's at for a few months. He lives a few blocks away and is rarely home. I pick her up when when she's awake and take her home at bedtime. At first she was like a guest but now she just hangs out in my living room. Instead of her and S19 switching places I'm going to try to talk her into taking my room or sharing it with me.
WAH says he's going to cut back his hours but D14 doesn't believe him says he likes money too much (true). Even when he has free time he makes other plans.
