Good call U, I applied pressure and blame. I even told myself not to go home right away today. I had a bunch of anger and resentment built up. It took so little to kick me in to the relationship chat. One more regret for the books. When I think rationally, I think she was truly asking for more time.
She did comment on going dark like DB techniques and how I haven't talked much with her unless it was about the kids. Had I know I was being tested and she wanted conversations, I of course wouldve partaken. That was one DB rule I felt like I shouldn't have followed. Seems I may have been accurate on that one.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Believe me, I'm thinking and feeling both those things. Her mind can't or refuses to grasp the same logic.
She got in to things I've said in the past that hurt her, probably trying to justify her lying and having an EA. Still no answers on her end, avoiding the issue and its looking like she wants to go back to limbo. OM is still friends/following her on social media yet I'm the bad guy for not trusting her. I cant tell if her reactions were that of someone getting caught in an EA or were truthful. Her ability to lie and manipulate is very finely tuned. I do actually get the vibe that she was telling the truth though and is or was somehow holding out to see what happens in our relationship. Yet verbally none of that is communicated. I have to be a mind reader which is normal for us and part of what got us here.
Thing is, how am I supposed to make 100% perfect improvements with no slip ups while it seems OM is in the picture, while divorce is held over my head and while she remains critical, judgmental, invalidates and remains cold?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Psst….she doesn't control you and whatever improvements you need to make for yourself. Only you control yourself. If you have improvements that you know you need to make...then make them for YOU! Do not make the improvements with the mindset that you are doing it to win her back and/or get her approval. Changes/improvements are for you and you alone.
As for her bring up things from the past....yes, they do that all of the time. It's there way of justifying why they are doing what they are doing. Things that happened in the past, if you have apologized already, then that's it. No more listening to that tape. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. The past is the past and we are all living in the present.
You know what she's doing with regards to the lying and manipulating of information, the best way to handle this is to ignore the BS and hold your head up high and do the best you can in showing her and the world that what she's saying isn't bothering you. Now, if someone comes up to you and asks about it, then you can state the truth of the matter...but she's doing all of this BS to beat you down to where she is right now...in the rabbit hole.
She never left the limbo land. She's been in it for some time and if it's not the OM that you know is in the picture, it could very well be another one....but it takes a lot of time for affairs to burn out and you want the affair to burn out on its own, i.e., it has to run it's course. If she decides to come back to you, make her work for it, i.e., she needs to earn your trust again and needs to be transparent in all things to do w/her life.
BTW, they do scream the word "divorce" all of the time...it is a way of controlling you and keeping you in line so that you are scared and will not say or do something that will make her look at herself in the mirror. Trust me, if a divorce is going to happen, it won't matter whether she's threatening you or not...but if I were in your shoes, I would make darn sure that I had my ducks in a row as to what to expect legally.
Detach, detach and detach! Ignore her behavior and live your life to the fullest. When she realizes that you don't give a fig about what she's doing, she just might change her tune a bit. Right now, she wants control and doesn't care how she gets it.
Dig deeper for patience, focus on you and your family and above all else live your life for you, i.e., make those changes that you think you need to make for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you for the response. I've read it a few times now and find it to be highly insightful. I dont know how you and some of the others can pull so much detail out of a situation which I cant see myself and I'm living in it. Quite a skill!
As I suspected, W basically seems to be ignoring our latest chat or pretending it didnt happen. We never continued the chat which was going to happen yesterday which is probably a good thing per DB rules. Back to limbo we go. It wouldnt be as bad if she had an ounce of respect or if I knew if OM was out of the picture.
As an example, she mentioned how we dont talk anymore, so I tested to see what would happen if I started conversations about thing she likes and something else I'm passionate about. During one chat, she grabbed her phone and started texting. In the other she had nothing to say when I finished my story and walked away to watch tv without a word. This type of thing has happened a lot the last 1-2 years. Is this a normal WAS symptom? Wonder if I've a covert narc on my hands or if shes just lazy, rude or being passive aggressive. Thing is, other than me, she only treats two others like this, her brother and sister who are mostly out of the picture and whom she holds resentment for (for things that are minor to most people).
I see my questions here show Im still not detached and still searching for answers. Part of it is me wondering if I need to file first and get this over with for me and the kids. What if D4 learns and picks up on this behavior and thinks its ok to act this way toward me. I'd be crushed if my kids emulate W.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
1. Can you add a signature like mine so it will be easier to help you?
2. Have you read up on boundaries? Now is the time to start commanding respect from your W. Do not allow her to talk down to you in front of your kids.
1- I have a sig but not sure why it doesn't show. I don't see any. Changed some settings to see if that worked.
2- I've read up a bit on boundaries. Besides walking away from a conversation, I see no where else I hold power to enforce a boundary. I think she pushes talking in front of the kids as a passive aggressive way to end the marriage. I told her before we did counseling years back that if she argued with me in front of the kids, it would drive me away to protect myself and the kids.
Contempt and hate towards W slowly continue to build in me while W continues her emotional reactions and as I see no end to limbo. How did you others find the patience and how did you not fill with hate when being treated so poorly? A small sliver of me now thinks W may come out of her ways eventually but at what cost.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Patience Core...try empathy - she's going through something that she needs to figure out on her own. Quite likely, this isn't about you at all. Detach, give space, and don't give her reasons to vilify you.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
