Quick recap-- I'm 44, H is 40, together 15 years, married 12 with two children, D7 and D9. SSM (because of me) for several years. Lots of fighting and resentment on both our parts and some MLC-like behaviors starting to emerge with him a couple of years ago. Started MC together in August 2018, he feels I "broke him sexually" and is no longer able to envision a sexual R with me. April 2019 I got the ILBYINILWY and started DB-ing with significant improvements in fighting, communication and his participation in the household work. August 2019 he told me he had an "emotional connection" with a 33 year old woman who lives in a city 5000 miles away (he travels there on average 6 times a year). Said he wasn't in contact with her anymore but was deeply ambivalent about continuing the MR.
Four months of trickle truth later and last night I found out he has been in a full-on PA with her for the past two years (they met in Oct 2017), including sex the last time he was in her city last month. He has also been having sex with me recently though has felt badly about it afterwards. He is in love with her, tells her he loves her, in contact via phone or text most days. They've tried to stop multiple times but cannot. He has a fantasy D where we continue to be best friends, travel together, I keep the house with the kids but he has full access to it and lives next door (or maybe on the same property) with AP.
I'm finally to a place where I am (mostly) ready for him to go but he won't move out-- he wants me to make the decision with him together to get D and for me to be willing to pursue his fantasy co-parenting R together. I'm unwilling to do this. Also, we will not be friends. He continues to be deeply ambivalent and paralyzed and cannot pull the trigger himself one way or the other.
As a weird compromise right now he's considering a 3-month separation where he lives in the basement and is NC with her (and I would try to go as dark as possible though I haven't said that to him). This wouldn't start until late January since HIS PARENTS ARE COMING TO STAY WITH US FOR TWO WEEKS next Friday.
Telling the children is going to break my heart.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Excuse typos please, I’m on my phone. I just had to check back. What a soap opera. This is sounding a lot like my sitch, however my H felt so crazy with guilt, whereas your H is quite fueled by his blaming of you and the SSM. I’m glad you are standing up for yourself. I would NOT recommend sleeping with him again or letting him entertain that idea. Gross. No! He’s in love with OW and sleeping with her. Nope. He doesn’t get you too. What a sleezebag he is! I have no sympathy for him, sorry. You don’t need to prove you are more sexual or anything to him! He’s a liar and a cheater.
He is really out of touch with reality! Him saying it has been 2 years and he is not limerant doesn’t mean anything at all. He is totally delusional. His fantasy of thinking you all can be friends tells me he is nuts. I’m sure things with her are compete drama too and she’s also NOT getting the full story. He is painting you out to be a witch and he’s not telling her he is sleeping with you too. Lying all around comes with affairs, they go hand and hand.
I am also in a no fault state and own my home with H, but when I kicked him out, he put his tail between his legs and left. Your H should do the same. Shame on him! ... I hear you saying that you don’t want to kick him out because you don’t want to be responsible for breaking up your family and hurting the kids. I truly do not see it this way! He has been having an A for two years! He hasn’t even tried to work on your M problems for 2 years! You can’t do that with an A going on. This is his choice and his doing! Please do not take one shred of responsibility for this. I would tell this arse hat to get the F out!
Yes, this will hurt the kids. It’s really hard on kids. But they will be okay over time of you love them, talk about things and are honest and open. Him living in the basement or continuing to live this big lie is hard on them too. Kids deserve honesty and respect too. You can’t shield them from lies and and assume that is better for them.
In terms of parents visiting, I would end that plan today. You sometimes speak in these ways as of there is no way to make a change. What if someone had a terrible accident or cancer or a crisis? Well, usually plans are changed. May, this is a crisis. And it’s causing you additional harm to go on pretending things are fine. You don’t have to do that.
I have to give myself credit in the way I handled some things. My biggest mistake was that I was too emotional, labile and wore my heart on my sleeve. My actions however were strong and ultimately worked on him realizing he had to make some major life changes. I kicked him out, I didn’t let him blame me, I didn’t allow cake eating, and I finally removed myself as plan B.
I think you can do the same. Get tough, May. It’s time to remove yourself from HIS circus. I would lawyer up, firmly tell him to get out, protect your darling children, and then go dark. Only email about kids, schedules and finances. Tell him clearly you need a good long time to think about your life and your goals for your family. Don’t even mention OW. He can go off and sink on his own. He can feel what life is like without you. You don’t even need to worry about it you would take him back. He has not shown you a man worthy of even considering.
You can do this. I know you can.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks... Hugs back to you too. I know you're having a really rough time right now too. So glad we are all here for each other.
Blu... I know!!! Two years!! Two years!! Two years!! It is blowing my mind. He has been saying he has grieved our M for the past two years. Now I know why. I am building out a timeline of when things were happening, when he traveled to her city or a nearby one (total of 12 times in two years) and recalibrating what was happening between us with this new information.
I might be overstating his blame on me somewhat... he also is wracked with guilt for hurting all parties involved, (including AP). I might be keying in more to the blame pieces when I'm writing here, partially because he was getting so vehement and angry about it, and partially because I was pushing back and asking him to take his own responsibility as well which I think challenged his pat narrative. But he has expressed a lot of guilt and said he doesn't think he can ever forgive himself for what he has done to me. I recognize this is part of the script and yet another way to justify leaving, but I do think there is truth in there to it.
I was SHOCKED when I told him I thought he had to go, not just to the basement or office, and he said no. I completely expected he'd go quietly, like your H, maybe with a little interior relief that he is finally getting what he wants and I was agreeing to it. That really threw me for a major loop and I'm still trying to figure out how to process. I have read on a number of threads that you can't legally change the locks when your spouse is a co-owner of the house, but I think if I filed I could get temporary orders to get him to leave. I'm not 100% sure I want to go the D route too quickly-- there are financial considerations that I'm not ready to jump into right away-- so don't think that is necessarily the route I want to take.
I'll tell him today he needs to talk to his parents. Even if they do end up coming, it isn't right to let them walk into this mess unsuspecting.
I told a dear friend this morning what is going on. It felt really good to share with her and I know she will be totally on my side and non-judgmental about all of it-- she went through a really bad D a few years ago and her H cheated on her and married the AP (though they've subsequently Ded as well)-- and I was worried about sharing with her as I didn't want to overburden her with her own sitch. As we talked, she was wonderful, totally supportive and great, and I don't think she felt like that at all. Thank you-- this is one of the things you suggested I do and I'm glad I finally took the step. I know once I start sharing what is going on with the people I care about they will all be there for me 100%. I'm trying to decide how much I want to tell people and who needs to know.
I came home early from work to gather some financial information. He saw me doing it and kind of freaked out. He said he hasn't looked into any of this, hasn't researched mediation or lawyers (he is very against using Ls but I will regardless), he has no idea about the financial situation and doesn't think I need to be looking into that quite yet. I said he handles most of the finances and I needed to start to get caught up and get a better picture of what the financial situation would look like for myself. Then he came into the bedroom while I was working on a spreadsheet to tell me I don't need to do this, he understands that I want to, but it won't be necessary. He has decided the kids are his #1 priority and he will not do anything to hurt them further. He has already hurt me, AP, and himself, but the children are OK so far and he isn't going to do anything to change that. I just looked at him and said nothing.
At some point I'm going to need to figure out how to reconcile the man I married and all the wonderful things about him with the person who has been in a sexual affair for the last TWO YEARS of our marriage and pretending through it all.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Still on my phone, can’t step away. May, I’m going to hard on you here. You are much tougher than I was so I know you can take it. You can also leave it. I’m only saying what I believe you need to hear. I have no judgment — recall my H was also a royal POS and here we are, almost at him being back for FIVE years!
Have you read the pursuit/distance dynamic stuff? This is classic BS. I’m not surprised at all. He dropped a huge bomb on you and now he is treading very carefully! He’s not going to hurt the kids or you or anyone any further? Nope. Not buying that cr-p for one second. Was he thinking about that every time he texted her, professed his love or when he was sticking his d in her v? No. The answer is no. He is not thinking about anyone but himself and his to get out of this boiling kettle of hot water!!!
Now I don’t know everything and I scratch my head a lot when I read threads here. A lot. I don’t know much about walkway spouses, SSM, or the term MLC (which I don’t even believe in but I’ll save that for another day). You know what I happen to know a lot about? The MOST about? What a man looks and acts like when he is ready to fix the mess he made. A man that is deeply sorry. A man ready to end is A. Ready to make right of the situation. Ready to do anything to commit to his W and children. I know how that looks and what it feels like when that man starts to show himself. .... You have not described that man or the beginning of that stage ...
But again, I don’t actually care about him. He’s a lying, selfish cheating jerk! I do care about you. So why does he get to just decide now what happens next? Why is this up to him? He’s going to stick this out because he doesn’t want to hurt people anymore? And THAT is good enough for you? Please tell me it’s not!
What kind of person deserves you? Your heart, your love, your safety, and your family and every day life? What kind of man deserves you? .... What has he done and shown you that makes him worthy of being that man? ... This is really about you. What kind of woman are you and how do you want to be treated? And how do you what to set that example to your daughters?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Virtual hugs from me too. Finding out there is OW has been the hardest thing to deal with. He doesn't even know I know yet. Won't know until he gets served with D papers. Filed 43 days ago. 30 years down the toilet just like that.
If I was the AP and heard that, I'd be folding my tent. Blu is right but my sense is if you hang tough, you'll get what you want. If he's been doing her for 2 years and is still with you, she's toast. It sounds as if the limerence is beginning to wear off. If she were local, it would have been over most likely by now. The distance keeps it alive. Again, this is something I know from personal experience. If he really "loved" this person and wanted to be with her, he would welcome your move to divorce him. I don't know how this translates to the nuts and bolts of your situation. Maybe the way to go is a legal separation with perhaps a time limit to either end that affair or you'll file. That gives you time to get your ducks in a row and start the healing process. The bottom line is though: he needs to go or end the affair right now with full transparency. Once he's alone and can do what he wants regarding her, it will completely fizzle out.
That's my take.
PS: I don't have kids so I can't fully appreciate the effect on them, but kids can get through these things with a lot of help, so far as I have seen. I wouldn't let him use your kids as a leverage point to stay in the house and force you to endure this nonsense.
PS: I'll BET he's against using lawyers. If I did what he did, I would be too. Even in a no fault state there can be an issue of dissipating marital assets to facilitate an adulterous affair including travel costs, and whatever else can be picked up through reviewing bank and credit card statements, etc. Some of these guys have credit cards the wife doesn't even know about or bank accounts.
May, again my sense is you all can weather this but you need counseling for yourself without him and legal advice. You don't need to file a divorce just yet but someone needs to help you clarify where you are in the asset scheme and so forth. Right now, he is not your ally. It sounds as if there is still a moral compass in there somewhere. And the sex stuff is complete BS. Once he's free of this jump-off, he'll suddenly forget he doesn't want to have sex with you. He's already proved that.
Get some clarity for your self, put yourself and kids first, protect yourself, and then let him hit rock bottom. Again, my take.
Then he came into the bedroom while I was working on a spreadsheet to tell me I don't need to do this, he understands that I want to, but it won't be necessary. He has decided the kids are his #1 priority and he will not do anything to hurt them further. He has already hurt me, AP, and himself, but the children are OK so far and he isn't going to do anything to change that. I just looked at him and said nothing.
At some point I'm going to need to figure out how to reconcile the man I married and all the wonderful things about him with the person who has been in a sexual affair for the last TWO YEARS of our marriage and pretending through it all.
may ~ Sounds like he's trying to pull at your emotional heartstrings with generic platitudes about the kids. It also sounds like you saw right through it. What's best for the kids is their parents having a healthy relationship. NOT staying together at all costs.
I agree 100% with everyone else here to protect yourself, get legal advice, and also individual counseling if you can to deal with the emotional aspect. Even a single legal consult will buy you a priceless amount of peace of mind.
[ may ~ Sounds like he's trying to pull at your emotional heartstrings with generic platitudes about the kids. It also sounds like you saw right through it. What's best for the kids is their parents having a healthy relationship. NOT staying together at all costs.
I agree 100% with everyone else here to protect yourself, get legal advice, and also individual counseling if you can to deal with the emotional aspect. Even a single legal consult will buy you a priceless amount of peace of mind.
I have to disagree with this. The more important thing as far as she is concerned is why he's trying to pull at her emotional heartstrings. He's told her he's in love with another woman and yet resists May's attempts to free him to be with this person. That tells you everything you need to know. People lose their way. That doesn't necessarily make them bad people. Good people do bad things too sometimes. I had an long distance affair 9 years into my marriage and we got through it. I never did it again. I think if May wants this marriage she can probably save it with the right strategy.
Even if we take a big leap of reason and assume the jump-off would be willing to move to where they are and live in close proximity to his ex-wife and kids who she knows he has slept with, which is ridiculous, does that sound like an arrangement that would go the distance? Of course not.
