I did end up calling him Monday morning just to see what was up. He always answers the phone for me, so it isn't hours waiting around for a text reply. He was going Xmas shopping with his mom. I didn't say anything about hanging out at first - just felt things out. He said he had been out of it for a few days, and that he hadn't forgotten about me, but that he was waiting on some $ and felt broke. I said OK, I understand, and listed a few free things we could do (nature preserve, come watch a movie), and have said I'd pay, even though I know him feeling emasculated b/c I make more $ than him has been an issue in the past. He said all of my free suggestions sounded too "date-y." I said OK, then what would you like to do, because those are all things I've done with only friends? He said he didn't know. I asked if he had an idea of time frame b/c I am going out of town next week and do work some this week. He said again I don't know. He gets in this "I don't know" spiral where I don't think he doesn't want to answer, I do think he genuinely just doesn't know and isn't being bothered to figure it out. We got off the phone. Afterwards, I texted asking if I could drop his/his mom's/dogs Xmas presents off at his mom's house (this is where he stays when he is in town) while they were out shopping. He said yes, so I did. This hit me really, really hard. She goes overboard decorating and it just made me miss everything. I texted him a bit after that and asked if I could speak to his mom. We texted about it for a while (nicely), and he said yes. I had IC, then went over to her house. I know DB says to not talk to family, but I felt I needed to speak to her. He has involved her/told her a lot, so there wasn't any new info. My objective was for her to see where I am at now. I was there for 2 hours. She and I don't have a super close relationship, but I do know that she likes me and believes (or used to?) that I am good for H. Overall, it went very well. She seemed impressed at how much work I've done on myself, how serious I am, and how much I do really know H. She did say she would talk to him, even though I expressed I wasn't sure if I wanted her to. It did sound like he had opened up to her more than I thought he had - because a lot of things I said, she already knew about and H had said the same things to her. She said we need to see each other more and talk. She knows I am willing. I think she was surprised at how hurt I still am, and I think she does feel for me. I opened up more about my past marriage, too. I didn't ask for any intel or anything like that. I did also want to maintain this relationship with her in case things do go fully south, because I'd need to coordinate some stuff with her (it'd be too hard to do this with H). She always states she wants what's best for both of us, and she did also say that she feels in a better place to give him actual advice since she has heard both sides now (which do line up). H and his mom have had a rocky relationship in the past, and only had started healing it when H and I started dating. I expressed being frustrated that it's been 2 months and H still seems miserable and not doing anything to explore how he feels either way. H's mom is religious, and we had a talk about that, too (I am not).
Yesterday, I went and did some stuff alone and talked to my dad - I hadn't spoken to my parents with any updates since Thanksgiving since there wasn't much to tell. One of the things that H's mom had said, was that she had asked H if H had reached out to my parents, specifically my dad (H's dad passed away before I knew him, and H has a good relationship with my dad). H said he felt he couldn't since H had told me I couldn't speak to his mom. I cleared that up with her, and did text H yesterday saying he is always welcome to speak to my dad, because he is a good listener and gives good advice. I also said I hope his back feels better (he told me Monday he has a slipped disc) and that he has a merry Xmas Eve. He later texted back saying "hey, thanks for texting me, I hope you have a nice evening, too." I ended up doing something cool with his boss/boss's family (weird to say it like that but I've been friends with his boss for a long time, that's how I know him, and his boss married us). I called H on the way back from said activity, and we had a nice upbeat-ish chat. He said he was still out of it, but I asked about his day, etc. I wasn't asking for anything, just hearing how he was doing, and he asked about me. It was maybe 5 minutes long. I got off the phone first.
This morning I texted him saying Merry Xmas and that I wish we could have spent some of it together. He hasn't replied, and I am sure he won't. I know that was also an anti-DB statement, but I don't regret saying it. His mom did text me wishing me a Merry Xmas. He went to his dad's family's today, and I normally go, so I wonder how he's handling the inquiries about me, but I didn't ask and won't.
One of the pieces of advice from his mom was sad: she said, "I know this is not nice to say, but I learned a long time ago to stop expecting H to do stuff, that way I am not let down, and I am just here if he needs me." That's the approach I am trying to take. I am dropping the expectation of him initiating hanging out while he is in town on this break, even though he expressed wanting to. I may ask for us to sit down and have a talk, but not a long super serious one. I may play it by ear. I am in charge of running group tomorrow, and I wonder if he will show up because he knows I am there.
I have really struggled more these past few days, and I think it's because I've had a lot of alone time at home, and feel like I've gotten a lot worse. I look forward to working tomorrow and Friday, and am going out of town for New Year's, alone. (that was part of my convo with H on Monday - was that while he has off until the 2nd, I am not available the entire time). My dad commended me on how patient I have been (my biggest life struggle is impatience), and it is definitely hard.
The past several days have been a whirlwind. Updates:
*He did call me Christmas evening to meet up with me. He thanked me for his presents, and said let's go get a drink. We did. We had a blast, and always have a good time just hanging out. He did, however, say that he really misses me, physically, and while he feels the same about his mindset, wanted to tell me that. I'd previously said (and meant) that I was OK with physical stuff during this as long as we are upfront. We went home, had sex, had a very long, good talk, and had more sex. In the talk, he said everything I'd suspected but needed to hear: he loves me, misses me, still feels the same, says everyone thinks he's being shitty, said he hasn't told people much b/c he doesn't want to look like a wimp, hasn't fully left yet because he is taking this seriously because we are married, knows his feelings may change for the better so doesn't want to call it quits too soon, even talks about me staying with him in his house far away if I want to see my IC in person (I Skype him, he lives in a diff part of state, but not near H). I listen, hold him, and validate. He clearly needed those things. He takes me to get my car in the morning, says he has IC that day, I make a joke about 'don't let her yell at you for banging me.' (Usually I feel there's significant backslide after he has IC).
*Thursday day, his family came to my work. Mom and bro said H is grumpy b/c thinks Mom is now on 'my side.' Was glad to hear this purely b/c H hadn't said anything about that during the previous night. Family now rooting for us to be together now that she's heard my side. Mom did tell him to call me on Xmas, he told her he was going to anyhow. His mom reinvites me to fam Xmas party on Sunday - I say I can't just show up.
*Thursday night - running group, I am one of the people running it. I stay away from H for the most part - am aloof/cordial but not cold. Afterwards, we all go to bar, and I get a nice level of fun drunk, and we do karaoke until midnight. H offers to take me home since I couldn't drive (was gonna uber), he ends up staying. On the ride home, he mentions how he missed having fun with me and he's glad we are being more social, as that was something he missed/was hurt by. Takes me to my car in the morning, is very sweet.
Saturday day, I call him in the morning b/c he messages me about watching the dogs during Xmas party. I tell him mom invited me, and asked if I could go, b/c wouldn't want to without his OK. He is initially angry/hesitant, but then softens. I ask many times and ensure it's OK. He says yes, then goes into a long story about how he is stressed about money, and it seems that's why he was so grumpy. I said come over and let's just hang out. He does. He immediately launches into wanting to talk (so I listen and validate) even though the point was to just hang. During this talk, he says more about money. I ask if he is scared to leave b/c I am a financial safety net. He says no. He opens up about not ever having to be alone as an adult with adult bills, and how he is trying to get through that. He says he is scared of falling back into old bad habits with me. I validate and say I am on the same page, and that I put a lot of time and effort to examine my pieces of that (that I shared with him during every MC session) and that I am not worried about my part at least. I cook us lunch, we eat, and then he starts another 20 min convo about specific joint finance actions if we get back together (this day was the first day he's ever used that phrase directly to me, and he did many times). I listened, agreed b/c it's what I'd want to do, too. It was nice to hear b/c this was a convo sans alcohol, and it at least showed that he has considered getting back together on some level, and put detailed thought into it. We go run errands and chill, then separate for the night.
Sunday morning I get ready for the party and go over there and call him on the way b/c I was early. He said he was out of the house b/c he was being super grumpy. We meet up, go in house together (party is at his mom's where he stays). He is being insane grumpy boss to everyone, hadn't taken his medicine. He starts to be grumpy at me, I ask if he'd rather I leave, he says no. He gets in shower, I try to leave anyhow b.c of him snapping at me, too, mom asks me to stay, so I do. Party begins, mid party I feel not great and go lay down briefly, H comes and finds me. H apologizes for the morning grumpiness, says he is very glad that I am there and that he should have realized how much more fun it'd be with me there (I created a drinking game based around his mom's typical phrases which did definitely enhance the time), then goes into how grateful he is for me in general and how supportive I've been. Very articulate, sweet, well thought out, so I appreciated that. At the end of the party, annual group pics come. H gets grumpy b/c now he's drank a lot, but I get in the pictures anyhow b/c his mom asks me to, and his bro's GF is also in them and they haven't been together super long. After everyone leaves, he wants to talk, so I listen. He then goes on what constitutes a 3-4 hour manic meltdown. I listened, validated. He just had a lot he needed to get out. Gist was he feels trapped at his mom's, doesn't want to go to his house 4 hours away, doesn't feel super comfortable at our house. Says he knows he's been manic the past 2 weeks and that it's getting worse. Opens up a ton more about his dad and his dad's abuse/treatment of him, and how he doesn't know if he can forgive what I did because of that. Says he has not talked about his dad in his IC (I do step in and say that'd need to be handled for us to progress, which is true). Says he feels isolated by his friends, no one listens/cares but me and his IC. He did snap at me some, and I said that is not OK to do. I said I will listen, but not be snapped at. When this is mostly done, we take a car ride, go get fries, etc. At the end of the night when I think things have calmed down, he then snapped at me again for trying to throw trash away myself outside. He goes in mom's house, slams door, I go to leave. He comes right back out, apologizes, hugs me. said he knows I am going through a lot, too, and he feels gulity that he can't be there for me. I said I know and understand, and that if I thought I couldn't handle emotionally listening, I'd leave. I have a lot of other support, so it's OK. I do like hearing him talk because it helps me understand more, see he's self aware, and take things less personally. We agree (I THOUGHT) that he'd call me in the morning to discuss dogs b/c I was supposed to camp Mon and Tues nights. He said if he feels comfortable he may stay at our house while I am gone, and I encourage that because I think he needs some space and it would also help him get more comfortable here.
Yesterday I never hear from him, and a situation arose where I did give my cabin up last night to someone else. I finally text around 3 and say don't worry about the dogs, as I haven't heard from you. He texts back saying he thought we had definitive plans. I call and say no, you said you'd call, but I am not angry. I then tell him I canceled camping and he BLOWS UP and hangs the phone up. Won't answer my calls. He then texts that he had IC and that he thinks I will never respect his boundaries and that I just do what I want b;/c I went to the party even though he didn't want me to. I text back nicely, validate, but do defend myself without being combative in terms of ensuring it was OK before I went, multiple times. I said I know he's going through a lot, and that he is very up and down, and I am here for him. I do actually suspect that he was upset about not being able to stay at our house and blew up at me about it. I wasn't sure if I want to camp tonight still, but I think it's good to go get my space and give myself a rest from the rapid developments over the past several days. I've now seen he can be self aware, and it helps temper my expectations. I did take yesterday overly hard b/c I still felt pretty fragile from the night before, and we had also discussed seeing each other Wednesday for a date, and didn't want that retracted. However, I think he wasn't actually going to tell me about the boundary piece of his IC, and used that as an excuse to blow up. I am still OK being patient and compassionate, and didn't blow up back at him.
I am aware that he uses me as an emotional outlet, and it's a weird spot because he has isolated himself, and has had a suicide attempt before, so I do want to be there but don't want to be caught in a cycle where he still feel he 'needs' me. He hasn't said that, and we did have a lot of emotional distance in the past several months. I am glad that over the past several days we have opened the lines of communication, at least.
R2C, thank you. I've been trying #1 and it's def hard. I wish I had more opportunities to exercise #2!
He came by this afternoon and now I feel so, so much worse. He didn't realize I was home and he was coming to get the dogs. He came w/ a friend who he sometimes stays with here when his mom gets to be too much. He had never responded to my texts yesterday, and so I did try to talk to him about stuff (not R stuff but more of the anger he has at me right now re: boundary) and was definitely too clingy and coming from a fearful place. He is SO mad at me right now still for this crossing of a boundary that he said was OK to do? And he doesn't take ownership of any of it, and holds me responsible for him not enforcing his boundary? I said I really tried to ensure that it was OK, so I am confused. It is almost like he wants a reason to be mad at me, or is taking other anger out on me. We did both snap a little bit at each other, but also both tried to not? At the end when he was leaving, I asked what he wants to do going forward (we had plans to hang tomorrow that he didn't remember, and said he didn't know if he wants to do them now so I said well then let's talk for a minute, and that's when it escalated more). He said he didn't know, and I said well am I just supposed to pack up all of your stuff? And he angrily said sure and that he'd get it tomorrow. I said no, I don't want that. I did go to his car and kiss him on the cheek and say I was sorry and that I loved him, and that I didn't want to fight.
This was a bad backslide, and I am SO scared that he is harboring this much anger over something that frankly I do not understand. I don't understand being SO mad at me for doing something he said it was OK to do MULTIPLE times. It underlines how I feel about his IC (what IC says to blame other people for your own actions) being toxic. I am scared that this anger is clouding his mind and that he will forget all of the good things from this week. It's so hard to not text him and say I am so scared. I am having people over tonight, so I will be distracted soon and fully able to resist, but I feel so, so, so scared and bad. I know I have felt this way before about him being mad and then it subsided, but I feel I have more to lose right now.
One of the keys is to not try and understand it. Just accept that he is angry and will blame you for it. That does not mean it is true. That also does not mean you have to be angry back. Do not get pulled into his emotional state. Just validate his emotions.
W:"I can see why that would make you angry" or "I am sorry that made you angry"
Enjoy your friends tonight!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you. I wanted to try to understand so I dont make the same mistake over, but you're right - this one is irrational and out of left field so it doesnt matter. I had fun with friends but this was still weighing on me big time. I did cave a minute ago and call him - I tried not to, but I was focusing on all of the negatives. I'm actually glad I called - he answered (I was over hyping his anger to levels where I thought he wouldnt answer) and I kept it upbeat and short. I said I wasnt OK with how I acted earlier today, and that I'm sorry that I made him angry and that his feelings are important to me. He said thank you and that he appreciated me saying that to him. I said I wasnt ready to talk about some stuff because of the other night and shouldnt have pushed a talk for either of us (wasnt a R talk but was emotions based). I asked what he was up to, he said sitting on friends couch. I said I was glad hes able to stay there, and he said yeah, it's nice to not have nobody (said as upbeat joke tbh). I then said I hope he has a nice new years eve and he wished me the same and we got off the phone. I feel worlds better about owning my piece of todays interaction, both to myself and him. I also now feel more reassured that he isnt just stewing angry and that I was obsessing over that. We do still need a talk about boundaries. Idk what will happen next but I can calm down for now at least.
Interesting quick update - he texted me at midnight saying Happy New Years. I was asleep so answered it this morning and said same to you - I'd like to take you to lunch or for coffee if you're up to it. I then went on a jog with a friend and left my phone in the car. When we were done, he had texted back and also called, saying he would like to. I was very relieved.
We meet up for lunch, and he brings a book that his IC gave him about C-PTSD so he can show me. When we walk in, he immediately says he is sorry for how he acted yesterday and that he hadn't taken his medicine and was also caught off guard by me. I said I was caught off guard, too, and not prepared. He said he wanted to also address that I maybe was taken off guard by his friend being there, too, as I've voiced not wanting him to bring people over when I am not there. He opened up more about his IC, and how he felt about yesterday, and I did more talking than I normally do. I opened up about that, and about how glad I am that we are talking more and how it helps me understand, and I thanked him for showing me the book. We finished lunch and switched convo to silly group gossip. He is back at his mom's instead of his friend's and isn't sure how long he will be in town, so I let him know it's OK if he wants to stay over at our house any. He asked what I was doing the rest of the day, and I said no plans. He said he may go socialize w/ some of our friends and then go home and read the book. We left it at that. I feel a lot better - I know my feelings should not be so tied to his treatment of me, but I spiraled last night about worrying that everything was ruined. We both owned our behavior yesterday, and are still making efforts, and I think that's a good thing.
Still not sure how I feel. Had a tense phone call w/ H yesterday - he had just gotten out of counseling when I called him. He is working through his issues stemming from his dad's abuse. I asked how to best support him, and he said he didn't know. He did say he didn't want to be vindictive but then said I need to just wait while he works through 20 years of emotional baggage - funny b/c I didn't take any offense to this like he thought. What do you think I've been doing thus far? He still isn't sure about anything, but did say he is careful to not hold me accountable for stuff his dad did (his dad is deceased). He said he knows he's emotionally volatile and tries to see me when he feels he can/wants to, because he knows sometimes he overanalyzes stuff that I am doing in a negative way and avoids me when he thinks that will happen so as to not make things worse. I appreciate this. I keep a lot of my feelings in with him, but this distance is so hard. He knows I am working on myself during this time, but sometimes I don't think he realizes how detrimental this all is. In my heart, I do think he wants to be with me and just doesn't know how right now. We talked a bit more, and then I asked a genuine question: I asked if he wants me to wait for him. He freaked out, said what do you think I am doing all of this for, and hung up. I see now how he would feel insulted, but it was a genuine question on my part, because sometimes I really cannot tell if he wants me to just move on or not. It's been helpful now that we communicate more, but since we aren't going to MC any more, there isn't an outlet for stuff. He goes back to his house 4 hours away either today or tomorrow. I wish I could have seen him again during this time, but I know he needs space to work through stuff. I'd read up on C-PTSD and sent an article and asked his opinion on it, so we did discuss that on the phone.
Hearing where he's at keeps me going in this process. I feel in the past week I have let him have too much control over my emotions. I think him being here and not seeing me makes things harder for me - it's one thing when he's 4 hours away, but another when he's around. I am careful to not say how damaging this is because I don't want to pressure him. He said he doesn't want to rush things with me, and I agreed. I am struggling right now because it feels like every toxic dating relationship I've been in where someone doesn't choose me, but I choose them. Marriage is a choice, and every day I choose him, still, and I know he isn't even capable of choosing anything right now. I don't want him to feel guilty or bad about what I am going through, because I am stronger than he is right now, and he is going through so much.
Nothing new to report really. The same day as my previous post, I asked if we could talk. Since we aren't going to MC, I had some things I wanted to say to him before he went back to his place far away, which was the day after last post. I asked if he would listen, because most of the time, I was listening/validating and not saying much. I'd been pretty quiet about stuff I was going through to him, and I knew he was curious. We spoke for about an hour - I mostly opened up about what I've been doing in IC (this wasn't new info but was way more in depth), about how I fit into what he's going through ( we agreed on how I don't enable him in his people pleasing, how he didn't choose me b/c I fit an abusive archetype and he hasn't typically sought those out anyhow). I did touch on how painful this is for me, but very much underplayed my hand. He genuinely listened, and was thankful at the end that I shared what I shared. He did emphatically say that when he is ready to talk about stuff, he will reach out to me.
The following day I texted him a question about the dog's tags, and he answered it the day after that nicely. I've been giving him space/leaving him alone which generally means N/C, but I also don't hold myself back if I strongly want to say something to him via text. Wednesday I texted "been thinkin about you - the news is scary" (H is military). I felt OK saying this b/c it wasn't related to some deep convo, and I wasn't going to be upset if he didn't reply/engage. The following morning he wrote back "Thanks for telling me that - yes, it is scary and is adding to my (mostly unfounded) dread." I didn't say anything back. I've been crystal clear when we interact that I am here, and I actually do not believe he sees me as plan B of some type. I think he needs to mentally work through whatever he needs to work through whatever obstacles he has before coming back to me (he's said as much, and that seems clear when we interact, but who knows). But, I'll never know for sure. He did say he does not need to work out his entire set of childhood issues to come back - my point to him was that I am sure this will be a long ongoing process re: childhood stuff and that I am here for him.
I did find out that on the 1st, he went and hung out with one of my best friends. I'd suggested he talk to her (she suggested it to me as well) because she had gone through some serious stuff with her boyfriend over the summer and did a lot of work on boundary setting, and some other similar issues, and was able to work through it on her end. So H goes and sees the friend and the friend's BF, and friend tells me later that it was kind of strange - friend has known H for as long as I have. Friend said H was awkward and kind of manic/insecure (this isn't abnormal for him, though), and that friend was just trying to relax/hang out. H immediately asked friend to essentially rip into him about our M/asked advice. Friend set boundary of saying she just wanted to hear how H was doing but nothing about our M.
I do find it odd that H immediately sought friend's advice, and expected/asked for her to yell at him about it. Surely he can reason what friend would say e.g. is on the side of R. After seeing friend this week, she did decide on her own that she will listen/give advice to him (in a small capacity), and friend reached out to H via text on Thursday. H and friend were supposed to talk via phone yesterday, but my H stood her up (glad it's not just me he does this to!). H can get very spirally about his ADHD, and he is in town this weekend for work, so I am sure H will try to get ahold of friend sometime soon, but I don't really expect anything out of this. I don't think he will tell her anything I don't already kind of know - I am more interested in hearing her direct opinion of how he is mentally/her take. Sometimes I am worried I am just in denial/delusional about everything, and hearing her take may help me with that. H also has monthly mtg w/ his boss this weekend (boss is one of my BFFs, too), and usually that involves life advice.
A few of our other mutual friends want to reach out to H - I asked them to not all do this at once so it doesn't look suspicious. H does open up to them and openly ask for advice, and most have said gently to work it out, but ultimately obv that's H's decision and not something he can do until he feels he's mentally ready. I don't even know what he needs to get mentally ready, and I wonder if he himself even knows.
I've been keeping busy and having fun with my friends all week - did something every night so I am taking some much needed alone time on this stormy day.
I am trying to be patient and compassionate, and haven't really struggled with it this week. I have tickets to an orchestra event next weekend, and I'd mentioned it to H over the holidays to see if he wanted to go with me, and he was interested, but I haven't brought it up again yet. I will wait until mid-week. If he doesn't want to go, I can bring a friend. Next weekend is a holiday weekend, so he will probably be in town/can come to town.
I feel stronger about doing this for longer than I thought, but I don't feel grand about it overall. I wish he'd stayed at our house this weekend. I wish this every time he's in town. It's ridiculous and I am tired of wishing for stuff I don't have. I am fortunate to have great friends/job/life etc., at least. I read an article about staying with someone who isn't meeting your needs. It said if you can meet your own needs while working alongside partner who is blocked from being present, then do so. Friend asked how I felt about that. I said marrying someone in the military means having to do that, and knowing that you'll have to, so I am not worried about it - the part that makes this currently hurtful is that we aren't working along side each other; he's choosing to work alone, and make me work alone, too.
IDK how things are going right now. He never talked to my friend - he blew her off. I didn't contact him 2 weekends ago when he was in town for work. Middle of last week I asked if he wanted to still go to event on Saturday. He replied that he wasn't sure - he said he wants to go, but has turbulent feelings about me and is trying to work through them and it's very hard. I said ok, thank you for telling me that.
Saturday I call him and he answers - I'd woken him up. He didn't realize the event was midday, and was at his place 4 hours away, so wasn't going to make it. He hadn't fully decided yet anyhow. We chat and caught up normally for like an hour - totally jovial. He did say some insane comment about wanting to apply for a job in another state, but I am not reading in to this b/c he would sometimes say that when things were fine as just a temporary career move. He did talk some about predeployment, and instead of detailing his entire life plan without me like he has before, he just said a lot of things are up in the air. We hang up, I end up calling back later in the day and saying IDK how much I should tell him about how I feel, b/c I don't want to come off manipulative, but then is it manipulative to hold it back? We have an open discussion. He brings up Myers Briggs, remembered what mine was, said he'd researched his and mine together, etc. I thought this was interesting - he's at least trying to understand me? IDK. He then got mad later in the convo when he perceived that I was diminishing what I'd done to him - I wasn't, it was a sort of adjacent topic, but I validated. Went to event. I don't remember why I had to call him afterwards but he immediately wanted to know who I went with b/c I'd mentioned picking up someone earlier. I went with a girlfriend, but he'd seemed nervous?
Sunday I tried to call, he sent it to VM and texted saying he was still upset about the day before but could text. I said I'd wanted to talk about something. He said he was v nervous to talk, I asked why, he said because he didn't want to be hurt again b/c it's terrifying. I validated and said OK. Sunday night I decided to send him a letter I'd written as on of my exercises about emotional abuse - saying I hadn't sent it, and assumed he wouldn't talk to me again after he read it. It was a letter I'd written about taking responsibility for each detailed action, validating how he felt, and then what I was doing about it. IDK if he read it. No contact and I wanted to leave him alone. I thought because of his reaction on Saturday thinking I was diminishing things that maybe that's what he needed to see? IDK.
Today he texted me saying we need to see what's up about taxes. I said not sure what you mean. He said we need to see if we want to file jointly or separately (I usually do our taxes and see which one makes more financial sense). He said if separately, he needs to know some things about it, and that he did a mock up of his and he owes. This was the weirdest thing he could have texted me. I am the financial person in our relationship, I'd just sent a heartfelt email, and I get texted about taxes, full of the word WE? Irrational me wanted to say oh are we making joint decisions now? Since when? There are 100 reasons I can imagine why he would have texted this - it's not like him to GAF about taxes, especially this early - also why would I make a joint financial decision with you? I did eventually reply and said I am still waiting on forms (which is true).
