Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DaB35]

Back from the house. W forgot to turn the alarm off again (!) even though she texted me earlier today knowing I was going to be there.

She had printed a few forms ready for me to sign. She texted to say "can you print the the other forms when you're there and sign your bits then leave them for me to sign when I'm next there?"

I emailed back a few hours later saying, "I can't print anything as I don't have a computer there. I will post them to the house for you to pick up." - unavoidable sadly as i have to sign them myself and she has to sign them, and it has to be paper copies annoyingly.

I don't understand why she thought I'd be able to print them at the house?!

Also, I asked about whether we'd leave/take bathroom cabinets. She said "Yeah leave them, it'll be stressful enough as it is without trying to take them off the walls. You can have them if you want, but I'm not dismantling them."
Thought it funny that she was under the impression I had asked her to take them off the wall. All I asked was "Do you want to take them/split them, or leave them?"

She's clearly not with it!

[DaB35]

Update-

Sending off surveyor form for house. W has asked me to post her the forms that need signing. As mentioned before, they can't be emailed and have to be signed in hard copy by both of us, so unavoidable.

She is going up to see her sister for 2 weeks (not quite sure how she can stretch a visit there to 14 days but there we go!). My best friend has come over from abroad and she only saw him briefly once.

It's awful how my two best mates have to arrange to see W behind my back and then tell me after the fact, almost sheepishly admitting that they have seen her.

Do I text W on Xmas day?

[job]

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't text her. Allow her to "feel" the loss of your presence this holiday season. The only way that she's going to miss what she had is if you step back and give her that space and time she requires.

If she texts you, do not respond quickly...give it a couple of hours or so. You do not want her to think that you are sitting there waiting for her to call and/or text you.

I would keep the focus on you, your family and friends for now.

[DaB35]

Ok thanks Job. I will do that.

[DaB35]

Email from W - saying that the alarm is off. Estate agent had to unplug it when buyers walked around. She asked if I could go to the house to plug it back in (2hr round trip for me), as she's worried that it's unoccupied and with no alarm.

W is up in Scotland for 2 weeks.

I said I "was busy today" (24th) and "will see if I can go tomorrow evening." I mentioned that the lights I've fitted with timers are working. That was my reply. Two sentences.

Old me would have leapt in the car straightaway and done exactly as she asked, so that's a big leap for me.

Merry Xmas Everyone!

[DaB35]

Hope everyone here had a good Xmas yesterday wherever you were.

I never got a text from W yesterday. I didn't contact her either. I took my ring off when my family went out for Xmas dinner. I put it back on today; I think I just want to keep it on until the absolute last minute.

I may go to the house today to check the alarm. I understand the concern as we still have lots of valuable stuff in there. I was also going to check for my mail and ensure I haven't left any more important paperwork there.

W is staying with her sister until January. Don't know how she could do that - I would get bored staying there after only 4 days or so!

Did a bit of thinking last night.

This whole ordeal has made me realise how much W relies on her sister to guide her through everything; it's like she can't do something without running it by her first. Very frustrating. I never mentioned this frustration to W which I regret. It's like W 'looks up' to her sister constantly and must appease her sister and her friends all the time - she really REALLY struggles to say 'no', she'd prefer to say 'yes' and instead moans to me about what an inconvenience they have inflicted on her.

I never understood that. But then, I was doing a very similar thing myself, just to avoid conflict with W.

This is why my IC believes I put that pic of W's sister in that online chat; it was an extremely passive-aggressive way of taking her down a peg or two, or rather a reaction to my feeling very frustrated with the way she had treated W and her general attitude (she would say horrible things about their mum to my mum, with no evidence to support this, and W would always disagree with what she said).

Example - it upset me that one of W's friends never paid for her bridesmaid dress - she just flatly refused to pay for it when everyone else did. This friend at the time earnt more than W. W paid for the dress. That friend, to this day, has never paid her back. That annoyed me. W grumbled about it from time to time after our wedding, but I don't understand why she didn't ask her friend to just contribute a bit and then pay her back gradually.

Another example - there was a time back in 2013/14 when W thought she had fallen pregnant (an accident). Neither of us wanted kids and we knew we couldn't afford one. I remember going to work and then stopping by my parents' house on the way back home to check in on W. Thankfully W confirmed the pregnancy test was negative; we were both very pleased!
However, before she took the test, W rang me at my parents' and said, "my sister has said we can have all her baby things and the pram and they'll help us with clothes and everything." I was shocked. Inwardly I was very angry that her sister had been trying to "convince" W she was pregnant and was eager to be the person who saves the day, or whatever. For years she's always been saying "So, when are you having kids?" (She has three, her first at age 24).

Then when W and I separated this year and we met for a chat in June,I distinctly remember her saying "What would you say if I said I wanted to have a baby?". She would tell EVERYONE she never wanted kids, how she loved being an aunty and how she wanted 'her own time to herself', and then two weeks with her sister in May, and she suddenly wants a baby! I just didn't get it. This is a classic example of re-writing history I guess (am I right?).

Since W's siter moved to Scotland she has been trying to get us to move there, literally next door. Whenever we visited she would go online and point out houses for sale. "Look, this one is only £350,000. It's ten minutes away. Nice floorplan." She would spend literally an hour on her laptop showing us houses. And we were thinking, "Nope, we can't afford that!" Not to mention the fact that there are no jobs in the area. That didn't phase her sister. Also, in doing this her sister completely neglected the fact that my parents are really quite frail and in their late 60s/early 70s; no way would my dad drive 6 hours to visit us (it would take him more like 9hours with all the breaks they'd have to factor in to the journey). She just wanted us to live near her to look after her kids while she and her H went out.

Even W would complain, "Look sis, you always say 'Come up and see me for a week, it'll be lovely and we'll go shopping.' But then all you do is sleep and I am made to look after the kids for a few afternoons."

Also, when W and I had been dating for a few years, she would also warn me, "Look I want M before I turn 30! I don't want to be single at 30!" Again I think her sister had something to do with this. She was married at 23 and by 30 had 3 kids. Maybe she felt she hadn't yet 'achieved' the same as her sister and so was competing in a way. I don't know. When they were younger, W would always tell me how she and her sister would fight (not play fighting, actually physically fight) and how her sister would pin her down on the floor etc. Even W's mum has said to my mum that she keeps things close to her chest; and doesn't reveal everything to her own mum.

I then decided not to dwell on things too much. I watched a bit of comedy on TV and then went to sleep. Had a good sleep last night.

Just looking ahead for the next few days. Hoping to meet up with a few friends towards the end of the week; bit of overtime at work again; plus a gig on Monday to get a bit of a boost of cash just before New Year's Eve which will be nice.

[ovrrnbw]

It helps to understand the relationship dynamics that hurt your R and to learn how to handle those better for the future. Don't be afraid to get out of the trenches and fly around your situation and feel free.

Also, I wouldn't go messing around with the alarm if it is a 2 hour drive. If she questions why you won't just remind her that you are not hers so it's not worth the trouble.

How often is your W contacting you?

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Man I can feel how frustrating it must’ve been with sil constantly butting in. I think it’s deffo she got in your xws ear but of course you have no proof and of course you are to never mention or suggest it.

I’m fortunate at least in I never experienced that- quite the opposite actually

Cheers ds

[DaB35]

Thanks guys.

I had to go to the house anyway today as had to pick up some mail - someone had posted the music for my gig next Monday to the house so I had to collect it.

W had not touched the presents from my parents and my sister; they were unopened so she obviously didn't go there before Monday. She is now coming back Sunday as she asked me to leave the paperwork to sign at the house. However she had already asked me to post it to her sister's, which I've done, as she originally told me she was going up for 2 weeks (!).

I sorted the alarm. I had unplugged the ethernet cable when I was there last. When I was leaving, I plugged it in and ran out of the house - I have about 10 seconds before the alarm would go off again, from sensing me moving about!!

Yes DS - SIL was constantly butting in! So frustrating. W never saw it like that though.

Ovrrn - my W is only contacting me when necessary, if she needs me to do something. Certainly no "how are you" texts anymore. No anger either. Very business-like between us really. I'm being very polite and non-argumentative so she cannot accuse me of saying anything untoward.

[DaB35]

Got a text from W yesterday (Monday) morning, about 10am:

"Hi, I'm home now. Please say thank you to your sister and parents for the present. It is lovely and a very kind gesture. I haven't been very organised with cards and things this year. As you know there's an awful lot of pressure and stress at the moment. But I'm very touched your family would send me anything for Christmas."

I waited a long time to reply. I was geuinely busy - gig and gym. I replied 6 hours later:

"You're welcome. I can see how you would feel pressured/stressed and how that would make things difficult. I will say thanks to my parents when I get back tonight."

Slight validation in my response; I didn't tell her what I was up to which explained my delayed response (mysterious!); and remained polite.

No reply back from W - didn't expect one.
I think I did ok here.

Slightly nervous about the new year but also interested to see what I can achieve.