A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

The MIL called late last night and the kids picked up the phone. She was asking where them mum was and the kids told her that the mum went to stay at her friend's house. Then the MIL asked to speak to me.

On the line, the MIL jumped and asked me why I did not stop her from going and why I allow her to go? And what actually happened. I told the MIL please go and ask your daughter. But she keep probe and probe and said the daughter told her to come ask me and I said fine. And I pour all out to her. The draft paper and what happen to the kiddos.

Then the MIL start to blame the "bad company" the daughter is with. I told the mum looked, there's no one to blame but your daughter. But anyway it's pointless. To me she's a goner and sh has crossed the line. I am considering to mount up the defense on access by her. She can see the kids anytime she wants but no overnight and oversea access. Initially the MIL was still trying to blame me why I did not let her know of such events? I told her she should have asked her daughter, not me. After hearing everything, she thank me and said she will go think of what to do. I also dunno what else to reply her.

I wake up so emotionally drained this morning and tired. I was still enjoying my time with the 2 chaps until this phone call came and messed the night up. It's really tiring.

[ToSmile]

The wife had kept a shared journal and left it in the open.

I flip it and indeed she noted down that day's incident. She was finding reason to justify herself and claiming that I am not listening to what she said (well I did probe what went on that lead to the knife incident... and allowed her to speak first before I start)

Then she starts to state that everyone is ignoring her. The kids does not care about her when they were playing their console (while she's the one hiding in the room on her phone?) and what good am I that apart getting breakfast for the kids and going exercise.... and becoming an Alpha male???

While she always has to be the bad person disciplining the kids while I play the good guy? (When she is always away?)

And when we went out I walk in front of her when we are going to retrieve the car and never care about her? while in fact she was just 2-3 steps behind me and she mentioned even friends walk side by side? (All after she serves me paper?)

That I am becoming a perfect father because she wants to divorce me (Well I am just stepping up and filling in her part to the kids)

Next she claim that she at times were still thinking if she made the right choice to divorce me and all these seems to justify it.

Geez. From what I see is for whatever things other does, she can find something to dig fault in it and for everything she does is like a holy gesture.

It is sad to see her like this. But nothing more. Somehow or rather the weekend's incident snatched the remaining rope from the hand...

[AnotherStander]

Quit reading her journal. If she leaves it out on the table then just walk on by. If you need to make the table to eat or whatever then close the journal and set it aside without reading it. Remember Sandi's rules, don't believe anything she says (or writes) and only half of what she does. She's confused and in turmoil, her stream-of-consciousness is not grounded in reality.

[ToSmile]

Dear Veterans,

What are your takes on gatherings and festive reunion celebrations in face of impeding divorce?

1. Go ahead if you just feel it like without any expectation

2. Avoid it totally

[ToSmile]

Looking for some opinions. I am not sure if there are some changes going on but I am still doing my detachment and keeping my distance. I intend to still do so and sit by the banks than threading into murky water.

Some of these events happened the past couple of days.

For her work, she had been relocated to another institution that is very near to our place.

1. On a weekday drive to work, she suddenly mentioned about her colleague whom bought her car together with us had changed to a new car. Seems better and etc. I told her I ever thought of changing too in the past.

If she wanted to change to a new car, it is ok to proceed. Then she mentioned she will consider after the divorce process and subjected to where she lives post divorce. Then I told her yeah, you decide yourself then.

2. I threw a party over the weekend at the request of my children to invite all family members (including the in laws). I left the invitation of her family to her. At first she seem reluctant to invite her family members. But in the end, she extended the invitation to them although they could not make it as a couple of them fell sick due to the weather.

In the beginning she intended to prepare a dish for the event (I was doing the rest of the cooking). However after knowing her parents are not coming, she starts to mention that there seems to be too much food. I told her well, if you don't intend to prepare the dish, it's fine. I will replace it with something else. To which, she never provided me a reply.

The next day waking up in the morning, I asked her one more time. So you sure you are not preparing the dish? Then I will not be getting those ingredients. She kept quiet again. Until a while later then she asked me: "Why you don't want me to prepare the dish?"

I replied: "Well I thought you no longer want to do it. But if you want to, I'll just get the ingredients." Then she said ok yeah she will be preparing the dish. She was just thinking that the kitchen would be too crowded with the preparation and such. I told her well, what time you would need the kitchen and I will just pass it to you. She told me the time and I kept it at that.

3. Initially she told me that she will be going out in the evening at the time we are having the house party. I told her sure go ahead. I was expecting her to skip the party totally. But later, she actually stayed for a while and wait till everyone is here, ate some stuffs and mingle with them. Then as she was leaving, she asked me if she could grab some of the dish she prepared to her friend's party for them to try? I told her by all means go ahead. (Rarely she told me where she is going to but she mentioned this time round)

4. Yesterday, I intended to bring the kids out for an evening stroll when she suddenly mentioned that there is a gathering at her friend's place. She would like to bring the kids there and if I would like to join? I agreed might as well because I was intending to spend some time with the kids too.

As we were preparing to leave the house, she was getting a bit impatient as I was using the dressing room and she wanted to retrieve something. Then she asked me why I felt like going with them? I can choose not to go.( To think she was the one who asked me if I wanted to go?)

To which, I replied her: "I am going with you'll because I have originally intended to spend time with the kids and I am going for them. If you can handle them, sure by all means go ahead. I'm going to make my own plans." Then she switch around and said "well since you already wanted to go, lets just go together." I just smile at her and left the room.

Then we left the house and got into the elevator with the kids and I put on a new pair of shades I got. I was someone whom never wear any shades previously and I got a pair as part of my GAL. Then in front of the kids, she tried to make some funny remarks about me wearing shades. I told her: "Well, you may have your own prerogatives. To each their own." I think that caught her in surprise too and stopped her comments.

5. After the gathering, she told me that she and her friends are planning a family trip which include all kids sometime next year and asked if I would like to join them? I told her well, should be fine. Just let me know when it is. Surprised she asked me. More expecting that she will say she is going for a trip with the kids and leave it as that.

6. She posted some photos of the gatherings during this festive period which she joined with my family and my close friends on her social media. Something which she had not done since BD. Also, She used to keep her hair long because her mum likes her with that. Before BD, she cut her hair short and maintained it all the way during this period. Yesterday I overheard her friend asking if she is growing back her tress and she mentioned yeah she is.

7. On NYE, we will be having a gathering at her brother's place. I had told her previously that after the gathering, I will be bringing the kids to my cousin's place as she invited us. Then earlier, she came to ask me again if I did mention I have another party after her brother's place? I told her yes I did. My cousin invited and I am bringing along the kids. If she likes to, she can join us. Then she replied: "Oh, ok. She forgot I mentioned that." Leaving it open that she might be joining us? I was kind of expecting a "you guys go ahead"

Things felt slightly different after the incident which my boy threatened to kill himself. I do not know if the event had cause some cracks on her shell or she is just swirling in the fog. It also seems like she is having amnesia about things now and then.

Any comments about the above occurrence?

[LH19]

TS,

I don’t think anything changed other then the fact that she is ok being friends with you after divorce. By the time of BD WWs are detached because they have usually been detaching for years. Imagine if you were 100% detached. You wouldn’t mind having your W on a family vacation right? Instead of of jumping at the crumb you should have said “we are not a family anymore so there won’t be anymore family vacations”.

I know it’s easy to look for any signs but as is often said here “actions not words”. D papers are an action. Has she stopped them?

Sorry man.

[ToSmile]

Thanks for pointing that out LH

Noted it.

[ToSmile]

This period, things has been pretty peaceful. With the children, we are good but when the children are asleep or what, we just mind our own business.

This morning, I informed her that the arrangement of counselling for the kids is underway and it should starts in a couple of weeks.

Also, I told her my Lawyer has some concern with the divorcing terms. With regards to the part on the Token Alimony and children access. I initiate the talk because previously, I told her that I will be meeting my lawyer in Jan and I do not want her to feel that I am dragging the process.

She told me that if I do not feel like giving her Alimony, it is fine with her. And what do I mean by children access? Am I going to stop her from seeing the children?

I told her no. She will have free access to the children anytime but not overnight and oversea access. I told her reason is I also don't think its healthy for the kids to keep moving and shuffling between 2 homes and also she always wanted to go out during the weekends. How is she going to look after them?

Then she said well if she has something on she will inform me and make arrangements. I just smile and say I would have my own plans and life then. Anyway, this was advised by my lawyer in my interest which I am still considering.

Then she said ok and I bid bye to her and leave for work.

Is such a response above fine?

[LH19]

TS,

Thanks great about alimony! Definitely take her up on that offer.

What do you mean she will have access to the kids anytime? Is this not a joint custody arrangement?

[ToSmile]

Hi LH,

At where we are, there's 2 portion to the kids. One is Custody and one is access.

Custody will cover the major decision making for the children while access governs the visitation.

For Access, there are overnight access and overseas access as well. But I am intending to block the overnight and overseas access for her.

For custody wise, it will be joint custody. She is welcomed to visit the kids anytime but I do not think she has the capability or capacity to care for them now. Perhaps until the kids are older and can manage themselves then we'll see.

One funny episode recently was, previously, there was the hitting the dog incident that I mentioned. Then there was this time at my in law place, she was the one who could not stand the dog peeing and pooping everywhere and she herself hit the dog. And my mil was screaming at her after that. Then later, the dog did it again and she asked me to hit the dog but I just ignore it.

Interestingly since then till now, things are rather peaceful and she's getting more conversational with me and talking to me in a more proper and respectful manner. I have arranged counselling for the children and she seems more involved and want to be part of it and had been discussing with me on how we can guide our children in their day to day life and etc.

Although these are welcomed, I am still maintaining my mentality in GAL, exercise and dropping the rope. I would not take any pursuing action or show affection until she steps up and apologize, accept my conditions and work on it. Had a short chat with my MIL the other day. She also echoed my stand that I have to set conditions for her daughter if she is coming back.

Is the above the way to handle? if the fog starts to dismiss abit?