Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

The thing is, you're not spiraling. She is. She's not getting what she wants and she lashed out. You feel like the world is crumbling but in the end I promise promise PROMISE you it will be okay.

Thanks Yail and IW. Did I mention that she asked if I would like to spend New Years together and then said that she is taking OW to get a tattoo and then we could meet up after?! Like really? She is coming to get one of our dogs in a few. I am breathing through it and I won't lose it - I'm at work. Bleh.

KG

[Yail]

"Like, really?" is exactly the correct response.


Pop back here and post if you want after this interaction. I know it's a tough one for you.

[unchien]

Kristin ~ Sorry about that tough interaction. Great advice from IW about slowing down when you feel like you are spiraling.

You changed the terms of your relationship and she had a strong emotional reaction. This is normal. I look at these things in 2 ways:

1. She started throwing out emotional "bait" to try to get you back. First sadness, then anger. She'll keep tossing out bait until you bite.

2. She is going through her own strong emotional reaction. You can empathize with that, while also leaving her to tend to her own emotions.

Our WAS's know us better than anyone. They know what buttons to push, how to get us to respond, etc. Even if it is not malevolent, they know how to manipulate. They know how we will respond.

[may22]

KG,

I know this is so, so awful and difficult. I want to point out a couple of things:

-- you did it!! You stuck to your boundaries, you were honest with yourself and with her, and you were incredibly strong in the hardest of places. Yay you!

--Totally with Yail on the fact that she's the one spiraling. You're strong, dealing with the inevitable emotional fallout of doing something incredibly hard but necessary.

--I think the fact that you can see her lashing out, gaslight attempting, flip-flopping behaviors for what they are AND were able to not get reeled back in by what she said is a huge step forward. I would expect more of the same in the coming days, maybe even with more vigor-- be ready for it.

On that last note, if you go back to basic reinforcement theory, when you're working on extinguishing a behavior there is often an "extinction burst" where the subject keeps trying the same behavior more and more, bigger and better before they finally give up (the rat who learned to press the lever to get the treat-- once the lever stops producing treats, the rat might press on it a ton, really hard, before it finally realizes it doesn't work anymore. And the less regular the reinforcement schedule is, the longer it takes to extinguish the behavior-- so the rat that got a treat every single time it pressed the lever learns much faster that it no longer works than the rat whose lever produced a treat after a random schedule of presses.)

Not that your WW is a rat, but... she has a year under her belt of getting you to give in, mostly by being nice and promising to change, but not really demonstrating that change in a meaningful way. So... I would expect that she's going to come at you pretty hard and try a bunch of different strategies like you saw the other night. Be prepared. Don't give in!! I definitely still recommend considering some of the things people had suggested you consider, like blocking her number, filling your days with fun, maybe getting out of town for a couple of days.

Is your new cordless vac a Dyson? I ridiculously love mine.

Also... toot toot.

Hang in there. I'll probably be where you are soon, maybe even tomorrow.... our kids are sleeping over at someone's house tonight and my guess is it will be time for an R talk and it will be my turn to set out my boundaries and extract myself from an unhealthy situation.

M.

[ovrrnbw]

I wouldn't suggest blocking the phone # if you are still married, but if and when you aren't, then block away.

You can avoid that R talk by simply going NC for a few (or a lot of) days. Or at a minimum stop answering most calls. Answer occasionally. Don't respond to all texts. Don't respond to texts that aren't a question.

[KristinG]

Ok - pickup of fur kid over. We hugged for a bit and cried. She kept saying she just wants her family back. I just told her I know and that I do too, but I can't keep going the way it is. She left and has been texting me trying to bait with chit chat. I have to stay strong. I'm terrified of failing again. NO... Strength.


U, you are absolutely right and I know she will turn on the charm to try and bait me. She knows I'm still completely attached. I'm trying my best to stick to my guns.

May, I debated on Dyson vs Shark and ultimately went with a higher Shark model because I found a ridiculous sale on the pet pro. It's crazy how well they work on hardwood and carpet. I never knew how much I could love not having a cord! I hope if you get into an R talk with H that you keep a level head and speak from the heart. Set those boundaries girl! Our journey has been very much side by side and it's crazy how similar both our WAS's are in what they want.


KG

[KristinG]

Ovr (and others),

I can't block her number as she still works in my other office part time and I have to be able to communicate for that reason. Also, I've never been one to block and walk from anyone. I prefer to face it unless it becomes an abusive situation or a need to remove said person from my life becomes a reality. I don't want to remove her and we are still married. I have to pull myself away to protect myself, but right now that does not mean that (for me) I feel the need to block. Plus, I know I'm still very attached and very much in love. Pull away, protect, grow for myself, prepare for D if that is what she wants, and set a date that I will move forward if no commitment.

KG

[unchien]

Kristin ~

Instead of blocking, try waiting before responding. Our WAS's have a great way of making things sound urgent, getting us ramped up emotionally, etc. When she reaches out, try committing to some period of time (a few hours?) before taking any action. Post here if you need advice in the meantime. I turned off previews on my phone, so if I see my W texted me, I don't see the content until I unlock my phone. I will intentionally not check the content of the message for awhile (assuming I know it cannot be anything urgent).

Example of the kind of bait you might get:

"How are we going to get through this if you don't respond to me?"
"You aren't showing me any respect by going silent."
"I'm really upset and I want to work this out with you. Please! I can't deal with this!"

Do you need to respond to any of that? No. Will it get your emotions stirred up? Absolutely.

Good catch on idle chit-chat. It is often a way to just make sure you are there and responding.

[Yail]

Yes, unchien is correct in the examples here (they're really good). S

he will try to make it sound like this is your fault and that YOU are the reason healing can't occur. Notice that about each of the examples: they're written as if the writer just wants to get back together (but they definitely aren't saying that. No statements that anything will change, and no apologies), and at the same time implying or stating that it's your fault.

Pause and read between the lines of everything she writes. Pause and consider how it makes you feel. Sad? Fearful? Hurt? Hopeful? Like you just want to respond and correct her? This is the power of her words over you, and it may be helpful to simply acknowledge it.

I found it immensely helpful to name my emotions out loud. So you could say, "WW's text made me feel SCARED she is just waiting for me to reach out to fix this". That's the emotion, but that's not what's happening. Saying it helps you to see that.

How often do you have fur-baby swaps? Is there a way you can minimize these? Is there a schedule?

[Ready2Change]

I broke guys. I told her that I have decided that I'm done living in an open relationship. That I'm done waiting. That she has been sleeping with someone else for over a year. I told her that I want nothing more than a future with her, but that I will not continue in a painful and toxic relationship. I left.

She called me on my way home and, like a sucker, I answered. She was crying and I tried listening and validating. She told me everything would be ok and she knows what she has to do etc. Then, as if nothing had happened, said that she would cook us dinner tomorrow (today). I told her that, no, I don't want her to call me, I don't want to hang out with her, and I want to remove myself from this open relationship.

She hung up and quickly changed attitudes via text. First, I got the "you just send me papers and I'll sign and never bother you again" text. Then, I got the "go be with whomever you took that ring off for" text. I did reply but only because I felt as though I needed the conversation last night to have some semblance of closure for me. I told her that I have even so much as flirted with anyone and that I don't want a divorce, or any of this but I won't stay while she is dating someone else. She abruptly ended the conversation with another "I'll make this easy on you, just send me the papers and I'll sign" text.

I will politely disagree that you broke. You did exactly what you everyone here should do when dealing with a cheating spouse.

Stick to your boundaries. They work.

HUGS