I am dreading it and also looking forward to not feeling so suffocated with the limbo. I, too, have been in this for over a year. We separated soon after she announced her feelings for OW. She moved 20 minutes away and within about a mile of OW. During the initial separation, she was telling me that they had not acted on their feelings and that she was unsure if she wanted OW or our MR. I failed miserably and did all of the things we are taught not to do. Begging, crying, trying to do everything to win her back, etc. She confessed to a PA in January. Throughout the last year, she has been back and forth between the both of us. Never ending contact with either of us, and feeling torn. She moved back in with me and ended contact with OW for about a month in mid summer only to miss OW and move back to a rental house closer to home. She ended any physical relationship we were having at that time. Since the beginning of summer I have been DBing without really knowing what DB is. Trying to give her space, work on myself, and have a PMA regardless of the outcome.
I recap all of this because I am really at a loss as to what to say and how to prepare. I definitely do not want a divorce, and neither does she. We have already been doing the "separation" thing. We still talk everyday and are together more often than not. We still say ILY, cuddle, and occasionally, she will kiss me. And yes, I know, these aren't healthy things to do with someone that is sleeping with someone else. This is why I feel the need for change. Even if it means that we end up divorcing, I cannot and do not have any desire to continue to feel like I'm not enough. I know I'm a catch. Not to toot my own horn, BUT TOOT TOOT MOTHER TRUCKERS!
My thinking is to sit her down and calmly explain that I am done living in an open relationship. Tell her to please respect my need for space and that I have some things I need to think about regarding moving forward for myself.
Then calmly, get up, and leave.
I don't know if she will reach out, although that tends to be her reaction. Very quickly. It terrifies me, because I have been so weak to this in the past. I gave her a letter in May detailing my need for her to end things or not contact me. One week later she did just that ended things with OW and called me in a panic. When I found out they were still sleeping together, I told her I needed space. Two days later and she was back in "Baby, I don't ever want to lose you" mode. It's been a whirl wind of emotions. So my gut says that she most likely will panic and end things to come home, only to waffle in her decision once again. I don't think my heart could take it again. I'm most scared of that reaction and how to respond so I don't get hurt again at that level.
Sorry for the long rant. January is quickly approaching and I don't want to start 2020 with heaviness and depression. KG is getting tired of dealing with the BS!
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Can you block her phone number-- and tell her you're doing so, at least for some period of time? Are there things you can plan for ahead of time to make it more difficult for her to reach you? Could you plan to go see your friend you saw before in the city for a few days to get out of town? It sounds very likely that it will play out as it has in the past, so being as prepared as possible to give yourself the time and space YOU need and not letting her interfere with that seems important.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Agree with May - this will be a repeat of your past attempts unless you do something different.
What you had before was not a separation, so that's a start. You said you wanted space, but that was not really defined and it was a boundary that was not held. So in that sense, she hears words but does not expect you to follow through. It was you half-heartedly trying to push her away but not really doing so fully.
You say you don't want a Divorce, and I hear that. But you also don't have a marriage. I think you really need to reflect on this piece. I'm not saying you need to file now, but I do think you need to identify what a Separation really is. It means you don't have one another in your life, and you'll be living very differently.
This isn't a separation where you just want space or time - you have to very firmly state with your actions that you do not want her and that any approach will be met with your back turned.
Perhaps this time it is different with your delivery. In the past you've tried talking, giving letters, explaining, sharing your feelings. She is not entitled to those any more - she knows how you feel. You can walk away and feel confident she knows how you feel. Do not think that if you only told her "one more time" anything would change.
Perhaps this time it is fewer words. Simply, "I'm done. Do not reach out.". Really - less is more. And then stand firm to it. No need for anything elaborate, and it may be easier for you if you simply stick to a few words.
I think practicing here or talking about your plan as you lead up to it may make you feel more confident, which is key. Sticking to this is going to be very difficult for you, and we're here to support you in it. But I do think that after several weeks of a new routine you'll start to feel different, and it will set you on a new path. You don't want to keep living this limbo world for the next year with someone who can't take a step towards you.
Sorry I haven’t posted . Just catching up on you and mays threads . I give you gals a lot of credit .
Hope you are feeling better .
Just from reading different threads on here . If you are going to drop the rope my input is to go short and to the point .
This is no longer working for me .
I wouldn’t give much more . She knows why .
She’s going to call and call and call . Probably show up . Do not answer (this is the hardest part ) but you can do it . This is a marathon not a sprint . Remember that . The ultimate goal is for you to be happy for you and no one else .
My thinking is to sit her down and calmly explain that I am done living in an open relationship. Tell her to please respect my need for space and that I have some things I need to think about regarding moving forward for myself.
Then calmly, get up, and leave.
I don't know if she will reach out, although that tends to be her reaction. Very quickly. It terrifies me, because I have been so weak to this in the past.
Great plan. I agree with Yail that the less you talk about your feelings, the better.
I also agree that if you worry about being weak to her responses, then block her number. Just tell yourself, I will block her number for X amount of time (a week? a month?) I suggest that you do not tell her you are doing this.
If you do feel like you are going to respond to her, come here and post first. We have all been there... it's so easy to get sucked into responding in the heat of the moment. And our WAS's know exactly how to get us to respond.
Look, you've gone through a year of h3ll with your emotions. She can get all worked up in a tizzy, but think about what YOU have gone through. You don't have to cater to her emotions.
My thinking is to sit her down and calmly explain that I am done living in an open relationship. Tell her to please respect my need for space and that I have some things I need to think about regarding moving forward for myself.
Don't. Show her instead. Don't call, text, etc. No comms, period!
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I don't know if she will reach out, although that tends to be her reaction. Very quickly. It terrifies me, because I have been so weak to this in the past. I gave her a letter in May detailing my need for her to end things or not contact me. One week later she did just that ended things with OW and called me in a panic. When I found out they were still sleeping together, I told her I needed space. Two days later and she was back in "Baby, I don't ever want to lose you" mode. It's been a whirl wind of emotions. So my gut says that she most likely will panic and end things to come home, only to waffle in her decision once again. I don't think my heart could take it again. I'm most scared of that reaction and how to respond so I don't get hurt again at that level.
If you read my sitch, going NC was the thing that helped my W realize her feelings for me. Now I went NC 2 or 3 times, and my W would freak the hell out, but she ran back to OM. But it still helped, like last Christmas she came running home crying saying she wanted to be with me. Now I was no DB ninja so I caved too quickly, but I did get a commitment out of it, had 1 more setback, and here we are now talking about kids and life plans.
My advice is to go NC (at least a few days) for a while and stay that way until she promises a 100% commitment or you are navigating the divorce process. NC is statistically the best way to get an ex back. Your W has strong feelings for you, so by going NC you let her see how bad she wants you, you stop the cake eating, you make her desperation help her decide what she really wants, you gain your space and clarity. But you can't keep hanging out with her and being physically and emotionally open if you want her to make a change.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I like parts of all the suggestions. I would recommend a mixture of the two. Going NC - then if/when she asks why you haven't responded, kindly and calmly tell her that you don't want to be in an open R, you need your space to think about things and to please respect that.
Only thing is, if you do say it...you gotta mean it.
Guys thank you all so much for the advice and feedback.
Last night I got suckered into an R talk - the first time in months. WW asked yet again why I don't wear my wedding ring. She felt as though I am seeing someone else and thus removed my ring. I tried to stay very calm and explain that I removed my ring because it didn't feel right to wear it while she was dating someone else. She didn't deny anything and kept pushing me for how I'm feeling, etc. I broke guys. I told her that I have decided that I'm done living in an open relationship. That I'm done waiting. That she has been sleeping with someone else for over a year. I told her that I want nothing more than a future with her, but that I will not continue in a painful and toxic relationship. I left.
She called me on my way home and, like a sucker, I answered. She was crying and I tried listening and validating. She told me everything would be ok and she knows what she has to do etc. Then, as if nothing had happened, said that she would cook us dinner tomorrow (today). I told her that, no, I don't want her to call me, I don't want to hang out with her, and I want to remove myself from this open relationship.
She hung up and quickly changed attitudes via text. First, I got the "you just send me papers and I'll sign and never bother you again" text. Then, I got the "go be with whomever you took that ring off for" text. I did reply but only because I felt as though I needed the conversation last night to have some semblance of closure for me. I told her that I have even so much as flirted with anyone and that I don't want a divorce, or any of this but I won't stay while she is dating someone else. She abruptly ended the conversation with another "I'll make this easy on you, just send me the papers and I'll sign" text.
I'm spiraling guys. I know that I have to stick to this line. It's ripping my heart in two. Deep breath KG. Deep breath and tell yourself that you don't want to be with someone who is blatantly cheating on you.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
I'm so sorry KG. I wish I could say "call me, we'll chat".
There are so many platitudes that we could say that are true but won't make you feel better. The only one that helped me a tiny bit was from my coworkers, both of which have been through this: "The only way through - is through". There isn't a shortcut to this. Just knowing that helped to steel me to move forward.
For what it's worth, you did really well with the conversation. It wasn't "strictly" DB, but do not let that make you pause for one second. There is no perfect way to handle this, and you did really really well by sticking to your statement of not wanting to stand by why she has another R.
The quick attitude change is common in someone who is cheating. I don't know why, but it's something I've noticed. This is the part where you do want to remember who YOU are and what your values are. She may do things out of character. Notice the attempted gaslighting? She's trying to make you feel crazy. DO NOT let it work. Do not waiver when she is trying to make you feel guilty as if you were cheating during this, or for taking your ring off. If she can believe your behavior is the same as hers, then she can feel like what she's doing is fine and she can continue. But it's not fine, and you've just shown her with your actions that you won't stand by it.
The thing is, you're not spiraling. She is. She's not getting what she wants and she lashed out. You feel like the world is crumbling but in the end I promise promise PROMISE you it will be okay.
Don't feel like you have to file, just because she told you to. If you want to talk about that option I'm here to chat, but I think it's too soon to consider it rationally. Right now I think you should emotionally rest, and hold the door shut to her for a few days. Just practice moving through the awfulness, and try to find something that brings you comfort (I watched a lot of Netflix and movies that made me feel happy and safe).
I'm so sorry this happened Kristin. All of us are here for you.
I agree, take some time and let your emotions settle. They're gonna be all over the place for awhile, but that is normal.
Remember that you can go as slow as you need to - I find that when I'm spiraling I put all decisions affecting my life on one-tenth speed. It helps me a lot.
