Midlife wife crisis12

[LITB]

You know the more I think about it, I don’t know if it’s my wife I miss or the family dynamic. I know this is going to sound horrible, but with the GF and eventually her meeting the kids I will feel whole. The GF is amazing. She is a bit of an anomoly. She is not into social media and is not addicted to her phone. She loves to cook and is always cleaning and straightening up. Very affectionate loves sports. So at first it might have been a rebound but I am really liking her more and more. I am starting to really feel something for her.

Wolfman... I haven't read up on your whole sitch, but I'll chime in on the last few posts in your thread. How much do you like your GF? Not sure she will stick around if you keep stringing her along. Like LH said, you really need to get your balls back from your XW. You allow her to have too much power in your life and in your head.

I am glad you have not introduced your children to her. I didn't either. Anyway, it is important that you figure out if you are gonna continue pining for your XW or build on your relationship with your GF. The longer you kick this down the road doing both, the harder it is gonna be when it comes to a head.

[Wolfman]

You know the more I think about it, I don’t know if it’s my wife I miss or the family dynamic. I know this is going to sound horrible, but with the GF and eventually her meeting the kids I will feel whole. The GF is amazing. She is a bit of an anomoly. She is not into social media and is not addicted to her phone. She loves to cook and is always cleaning and straightening up. Very affectionate loves sports. So at first it might have been a rebound but I am really liking her more and more. I am starting to really feel something for her.

Wolfman... I haven't read up on your whole sitch, but I'll chime in on the last few posts in your thread. How much do you like your GF? Not sure she will stick around if you keep stringing her along. Like LH said, you really need to get your balls back from your XW. You allow her to have too much power in your life and in your head.

I am glad you have not introduced your children to her. I didn't either. Anyway, it is important that you figure out if you are gonna continue pining for your XW or build on your relationship with your GF. The longer you kick this down the road doing both, the harder it is gonna be when it comes to a head.

I am going to continue to build on my relationship with my GF. I am not going to pine over my xw. I really need to just let it go. The last couple of days the GF and I have had some long and very deep conversations about our relationship and what we want and where it is going. I am truly happy with her and don’t want to ruin it. And what’s with the ball$ thing? Asking my ex about going away doesn’t mean I have any ball$? We have a parenting agreement so if I have the kids some of those days I have to ask. There is so many people who help me on here. Lit I hope you continue to stick with me too. If she says no, which I think she will because this is last minute and I am sure she made plans I am going to be so mad!!

[LH19]

W,

Ok so your asking your W last minute and you understand she probably has plans but you’re still going to be mad???? Were you this unreasonable in the marriage? If so maybe you should start being more understanding why your W wanted a D?

The balls joke is because you’re still clearing afraid of her and effected by her moods. Throw in the fact that you seem like you found an amazing woman who wants to build something special with you but you would rather go back to being your Ws butler/chauffeur.

Do you see why we are confused? Something is not adding up?

[Wolfman]

W,

Ok so your asking your W last minute and you understand she probably has plans but you’re still going to be mad???? Were you this unreasonable in the marriage? If so maybe you should start being more understanding why your W wanted a D?

The balls joke is because you’re still clearing afraid of her and effected by her moods. Throw in the fact that you seem like you found an amazing woman who wants to build something special with you but you would rather go back to being your Ws butler/chauffeur.

Do you see why we are confused? Something is not adding up?

I was not that unreasonable. I am more of a spontaneous person. I don’t always have plans so far in advance. So anytime I want to do something not according to schedule I will have to plan it out a month in advance. So it’s frustrating. My w wanted a divorce because according to her she felt I did not love her and did not show her enough love. I have talked about this before. She said because I didn’t run to her everytime she came home to give her a kiss. Or everytime I would run out to go to the store or do something quick I didn’t kiss her. In the 19 years together I walked about and went for a drive because she wouldn’t stop arguing with me. And for her that was devastating. I went for a drive for 2 hours to cool off before i came back home. Even when we did a short stint in marriage counseling the counselor said that was good that I went for a drive to cool off before I said something really mean.
As far as afraid. It’s never easy with her. I am not the type who likes confrontation or arguing. And unless it benefits her then it’s a big problem in her eyes. She is a pessimist so when I can I avoid talk with her. I’m just tired of arguing with someone who only sees their point of view and that I am always wrong. So yes I try to avoid speaking with her.

As far as my GF I have decided to really make this relationship work. LH you are so right, it doesn’t make sense. For me like I said I hate change and letting go. But if I don’t I will lose this amazing woman. I don’t want to lose her. I do not want to go back to being a butler. You are right I was, always catering to my xw needs. I did it for so long I guess I just thought that’s how marriages were. The husband took care of the w’s every need. Boy was I so wrong. It needs to be 50/50. I thought the more I did for her the happier she would be, it backfired, the more she would keep asking for. I am Mr, Niceguy alwasy looking good people please and that behavior needs to stop.!!! Thank you LH for sticking with me and mentoring me. Please keep hitting me with 2x4’s!!! I truly value what you say as well as many others.

[LH19]

No problem W you’re are horrible student but I stick with you anyway lol.

I understand the change thing and the family dynamic I really do and I struggle with that at times too.

You guys are divorced now there should be no arguing. There should be very minimal communication. Unfortunately if you want to make plans when you have the kids and she says no you either cancel your plans or make other arrangements.

You really don’t have to put up with her pessimistic bs anymore. It’s pretty simple, listen, validate, set and enforce boundaries. It’s really that simple so try not to complicate it.

[Rose888]

Wolfman,

You need to stop putting yourself in situations where you are dependent on your ex-wife. Your Santa presents don’t need to be set out at her house. You don’t get to determine if the kids leave milk and cookies for Santa. Santa can come to both houses, and you can leave milk and cookies at your place, if that’s important to you.

If she can’t watch the kids, hire a sitter.

[Ginger1]

I’ve got to say..... I haven’t read your whole witch, but.....

I can’t believe your gf is wanting to be serious with you so enmeshed with your ex. She’s a huge part of your thoughts and actions still. This doesn’t bother her? Is she turning a blind eye to it? Do you hide it really well?

I couldn’t imagine being in her position. She must really really want this work.

[IHCLACS]

Seems like you have got yourself in a bind being in a relationship when you’re still pining for your W. You’re doing the right thing by not introducing until you’re ready.

This relationship has rebound written all over it.

You know the more I think about it, I don’t know if it’s my wife I miss or the family dynamic. I know this is going to sound horrible, but with the GF and eventually her meeting the kids I will feel whole. The GF is amazing. She is a bit of an anomoly. She is not into social media and is not addicted to her phone. She loves to cook and is always cleaning and straightening up. Very affectionate loves sports. So at first it might have been a rebound but I am really liking her more and more. I am starting to really feel something for her.

Let me tell you all something about me. I hate change and I get attached to things. I just finally got rid of my 350z it was a 2003. The transmission was going, windows didn’t work, heat didn’t always work. And it was still hard to let it go. But once I got my new car I moved on. Please I am not comparing a relationship with a car. Just giving an example of how I get attached. When my xw and I moved from our first house I cried for 2 days. I missed that home. Again it’s a weird thing I just get attached. Again just giving examples of how I get attached. So moving forward with GF is a real good thing for me. I know I shouldn’t use my GF to get over xw but that has been my life. Get over attachments by replacing with something new and then I am fine.

Wolf,

What are you doing to learn, grow, heal, GAL?

I read a lot of self help books. I read DR, 5 Love languages, No more Mr. Niceguy, and a few others. I go to the gym a lot more. Call a lot of my friends to do things. Try to fund the positive in life. That I am healthy, have beautiful healthy kids. I have a a career and make good money. I guess I just move a lot slower than some of the others on here.
[/quote]

This statement deeply concerns me Wolf. "You know the more I think about it, I don’t know if it’s my wife I miss or the family dynamic. I know this is going to sound horrible, but with the GF and eventually her meeting the kids I will feel whole. The GF is amazing." It concerns me Wolf because even though at the moment. The new GF is a refreshing change, and seems to check all the boxes for right now, and it seems you have a real good shot at a fruitful and fulfilling relationship. YOU DO NOT REQUIRE ANOTHER PERSON IN YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOURSELF BE WHOLE OR COMPLETE!
Now everyone has their own pace, preferences, timing, etc. So on the other hand. I don't blame you for moving on. Just please continue to make time to do the work on yourself aside from your new GF. Don't make commitments you can't keep, and don't rush things. Keep the long game in mind. I'm talking 5 to 10 years out on whether this new person is good for you. We all tend to see the good in everyone we are saying for the first year because everyone is on their best behavior. You have to watching things very carefully. Its easy to get d!cknapped for one, for two you have to watch for chameleons that are too good to be true, three there is the old bait and switch, and four, you have to really I mean really be sure their values and principles line up with yours. (Those things can change too.)

Now I'm not one to tell someone how to live/act/think/feel as I have my own internal battles between logic and love, God and Man. Heaven and the World. A Christ like life, and seduction. My self worth in myself and a relationship, etc. Everyday I fight with myself for the last year internally in my mind between seeing thing how they really are, and putting hope and expectations aside by the results of another persons actions, and being hopeful because I want to believe it in order to see it in my life. Its very doubleminded of me. I can also say that I've been on two dates myself with a woman who is a really good person, was giving me the signals and everything, but I just couldn't do it. I'm not ready. I'm the last person to be gun shy when going in for the kill for a hookup. I know I'm not ready. All I could still think about was XW after the meetup. Despite all the actions taken against the marriage by her, and all the things I failed to either understand, fulfil, validate properly, do, or act on. Is it a form of denial that I live in at times? Perhaps? I get what you are saying about change. I don't do well with change either. Once i force myself to settle into it however. Little by little piece by piece. I get comfortable with the newness of things pretty quickly. My logic tells me with XW that I haven't seen any positive signs torwards the M in over a year. So I shut myself out from XW, have gone completely dark as far as to the point of not answering calls, emails, or invitations to dinner with her and her family which I get on a regular basis from her.. Am in no way revealing or vulnerable any longer, and neither is she. I think despite all the anger and resentment I have finally dissipated for now. My head says move forward with life. Deep in my heart. I still feel "it ain't over till it's over." I have retreated to a very solitude like life for now, preferring to be alone so I can really get comfortable with myself and my introspection. I've had some nice grateful moments over the holidays with a friend, and disappointments with my own family. But it is teaching me to lose all expectation and attachment to outcomes better or worse. This may be a little stubborn of me. But... XW is going to have to come to me if R is ever a consideration. Can I carry on with my life? In baby steps yes. But I know I have A LOT of inner work to do and never knowing how to measure it tangibly. I'm sure she has a lot of inner work as well, and it shows through her actions torwards change. All I know is being alone is two fold, and needed at times. It forces me to face who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. On one hand I am realizing a lot, and on the other I am missing new experiences and possibly stunting my growth a little. But in good time.

Wolf. Respect you're XW boundaries. When I go to my old home to pickup S2. I always knock. Even though I was told not to. Other than S2 room to get his stuff when he is not ready when I pick him up. If I have to go anywhere on the house for anything I always ask. When xw says you can just do whatever you like, you don't have to ask for permission. Its not a big deal, I always make it a point to say well it's not my house anymore, Im no longer paying the mortgage, so I'm just asking out of respect

[IronWill]

Hey Wolf -

I highly recommend you listen to the others.

Needing someone in your life to fill a "gap" is just going to lead you to more pain. It is very clear from your posts that you are still struggling with the fallout from your marriage. That has an enormously high percentage of affecting the new R with GF, and it is very likely that some of the problems from your marriage will translate into problems in your new R.

Are you in IC? If you aren't, I would recommend it. Highly.

If you decide to keep the new R going, I would advise you to go slow. Like glacier slow. You have to differentiate this R from the issues you are having from not fully processing the end of your MR.

[neffer]

Hey man, there’s not a jury servicing justice in our own sitches. It is what it is. That’s why we push for the LBSs to work on themselves. Live your reality. Enjoy the plans you are getting with your GF and free yourself from any negative energy.
Apply what you’ve learnt.

Respect

You can do it Wolf. Be consistent.