Scout - those sad feelings you have about your hopes and dreams are perfectly normal. Allow yourself to feel them. Time will help heal you. Trust the process.
All of us have felt sadness over the loss of the dream we were building. It has nothing to do with the 21 year old; she’s just the band - aid. Imagine the caliber person she is to be involved with a married man with a child! He is running to her because she mirrors who he is right now.
Most of us here had spouses who had major turmoil upon midlife. I bet most of these spouses had issues with major milestones whether that be turning 30, having children, settling down, turning 40, aging, etc. In hindsight my own ex had blips in adjustment that compounded and erupted at midlife. I probably glossed over them and overcompensated for his weaknesses.
My point is, if your h’s turmoil is this deep at his young age, at 40 or 50 he would be a train wreck. So there was no escaping it. In fact, have dodged a bullet with it revealing itself to be so large so early in his life.
When the moments of sadness still come for me, I feel them but remind myself I can’t go back and change anything. What is done is done. I forgive myself for choosing a broken guy. I work really hard to make sure my kids have strong coping skills so that this does not happen to them. I focus on what I can control. I don’t know tomorrow so it is pointless to worry about that. I have today and I will make it the best I can.
Give it time, breathe. You have this; keep posting as we are all here to support.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Scout - You're doing awesome (awesomely?). As for your angry thoughts - it’s healthy to have anger. But I also think the depth of the anger has to do not just with your H but also with your old coach. This is turning out to be a way to process that anger too.
In-laws usually stick with blood, but not always. If you really want to maintain your relationship with SIL, reach out to her directly.
None of us here are having the life we expected - but you’ll find that different doesn’t have to be worse. Sometimes it ends up being much better.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share your thoughts, and for propping me up during a rough time. I have read your responses over and over and they fill me with hope.
One good thing about all this anger is that it’s made me realise how weak my boundaries have been. I stayed up until 2am last night talking with my sister during her last night in town. She suggested I write down where I draw the line on big issues and refer to this if I feel conflicted on a course of action. She also pointed out that it’s a way to give myself permission to stand up for what I believe in. I can then act with fairness and reason rather than emotion.
- I am not obliged to consider or even respond to H’s proposed changes to the custody arrangement - I will not tolerate manipulation and guilt from H or his family about the custody arrangement - I am not required to maintain a relationship with H’s family if it is detrimental to my well-being - I am entitled to information about my child’s care when he is not in my custody - I do not need to explain my decision to be NC with H to his family
Today S1 refused to nap. I was tired after the late night with my sister, and we had spent a fun but long morning at the waterpark with my cousins and kids, so I was really counting on that time to catch up on sleep myself. He normally goes down without fuss, but today he cried and whinged, asked for cuddles, wanted his grandparents, and was generally unsettled. After an hour of trying to get him to sleep, I found myself so frustrated that I gave up. I didn’t show him I was frustrated - who knows what was going on in his little brain. I just held him, sang to him, talked to him, until I called time on the whole operation.
A memory of H came out of this frustration. A few months before BD, I went to see Book of Mormon with a friend. S1, who had just turned one, was sick. I had asked H to give him medicine throughout the evening and make sure he wasn’t left to cry himself to sleep.
I checked in once and received “all’s well” before arriving home to blazing lights and a screaming baby at 1am. H was asleep in our room with a pillow over his head to block out the screaming. I picked up S1 and stormed into the room saying “what the f are you doing?” H moaned that S1 had been waking up every hour screaming. Apparently, H had tried everything and S1 wouldn’t stop screaming, so he stopped trying. I told him I was disgusted with him and went to calm S1 and put him to bed.
He apologised the next day. I told him that I was incredibly disappointed that he would neglect an innocent, sick baby. He brought up that we had left S1 to cry in bed in the past. I said yes, that was for a reason (sleep training) and under controlled conditions. He continued to argue and downplay his actions. I said the bottom line was that S1’s needs must come first, no matter how tired or frustrated you feel. He begrudgingly agreed.
I wouldn’t close your mind to any changes the h seeks particularly if they are minor and can be leveraged for your own advantage. Take legal advice as to any changes. If this ever goes to court you don’t want to be painted as the rigid inflexible mother who wouldn’t countenance any changes sought by h.
The sick son situation is just awful. Respectfully, h was a feckless child and that behaviour is deeply troubling. I hope that was an aberration. I get the sense you had 2 children you were looking after
Anyway your story about S not napping gave me memories! My enduring memory when my s was little was my swollen sore feet and ankles. Nearly every night I’d walk him for about a hour to get him to sleep and man it became gruelling!
Cheers ds
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Why did god/nature/whatever design babies to be so terrible at sleeping? It seems counter-productive to the continuation of the species... funny story DS!
Hmm, I might need to work on that first one. I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot there. Not saying that every request will be summarily dismissed, but my L did lead me to believe that the custodial parent is legally able to do so, especially while parenting orders are not in place and taking S1’s age into consideration. Might need to clarify that.
I think what it boils down to for me is that it’s okay to say no. For example, I can thank H for his proposal and say I’ve given it some thought but it doesn’t work for me or S1 at this point in time, happy to consider any changes in future should you have any suggestions, etc. And I don’t need to feel guilty about that.
At this stage, I’m practicing parallel parenting rather than coparenting. My time with S1 is my time, H’s time is his time, and never the two shall meet. We might be able to move to a coparenting arrangement in future as time heals and if H decides to cooperate.
Before Christmas, I re-enrolled S1 into daycare for next year. I am so used to handling this stuff on my own that it never occurred to me to ask or inform H. I worried whether this would look bad from a legal standpoint. It just never occurred to me. H would have received all the reminders and emails and flyers about re-enrolling and he never asked what was happening, who was handling it, if it was done, did he need to sign anything, etc.
H literally never asks anything about S1 - what extracurricular activities is he doing? How is he handling the transition to a new room at daycare? What is his favourite book or toy or food right now? Has he said any new words lately? What level is he in at swimming lessons? Does he miss me or notice that I’m gone? Is he happy?
In the six months since he left, he has never asked one single thing about him.
DS made a good point about being open to changes, especially for the betterment of you or S1.
I find your wording perfect for your intended purpose. It is strong and yet flexible. You have a keen mind; the list is where you draw the line and realizes your ability to say no.
For example, in the first point you are speaking of your not being obligated to consider. You still can consider, you’re just not obligated too. You control the only thing you really can - you.
Do not share this list with H. Do not tell him about it. You demonstrate it. You live it.
With that brings up the actual boundaries. What do you tell H, his family, and others? The “when you do x, I’ll do y”.
Some like number 5 are just that, telling them that you don’t need/have to explain why. A boundary may be require if they don’t accept that and keep pushing you.
That the key thing about boundaries vs drawing the line. Boundaries are for your healing. They are to stop the effects from attack or disrespect from behaviours or interactions from others that are detrimental to you, by utilizing what you can control - your actions.
You cannot control others, just yourself. Example: If H is swearing to you on the phone. Tell him - When you swear at me I feel disrespected and hurt. If you swear at me during a phone call, I’m going to hang up. After that, you hold that boundary rock solid. Probably with ever increasing delays in future answering of the phone. You just let him bounce off your boundaries, until he tires.
So far, it sounds like you have no need for boundaries at the moment. And you may not need to; your right to say no may be respected as put forth.
I agree with you on your current parallel parenting views. Perhaps in the future coparenting can be achieved. Perhaps not. The future is unknown, and lots can happen. You may end up with primary custody. Who knows? I never thought that XW would ever throw away her kids.
The future will reveal itself in time. And like your list, it is good to have some thought out general strategies for how you plan on handling life and the various curve balls yet to be pitched.
You do have a keen and sharp mind. And your heart’s influence also shines through. Keep it up, you’re doing great.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Absolutely it boils down to it being ok to say no. I’ve been doing it the last couple months and it works. Ive related this in my thread. Try asking for things from h as well, tying that into your response to a request- ‘hey scout you dropping s1 off to me?’. ‘Actually I’m a little jammed h, it’d be perfect if you could collect at 130pm. Thanks ‘
Did you book care only during times when S is in your care? If so I see no need to inform h other than as an FYI tied into some other communication.
I’m sorry that h hasn’t asked anything about s. That is disquieting. In all the circumstances I think you made the right call in not standing further for h.
Cheers ds
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Journalling again. During another long night of insomnia, I wrote down everything I wish I could say to MIL, then slept like a baby. In a good way! There was a real physical relief in getting these thoughts out of my head.
Quote
Hi MIL,
H sent me an email which indicated that your family wants more time with S1. He said you don't have enough time to do the activities you want to do with the kids. If you do have an issue with this, you are welcome to discuss it with me directly. But I want to make it very clear that I will not tolerate manipulation, guilt, or pressure from H or your family regarding the custody arrangement.
The current arrangement was agreed upon in August and signed by both parties. It has been approved by my solicitor and psychologist as being in the best interest of the child. Sole custody is what happens when you divorce with an infant child. When I was begging him to stay for our child's sake, H coldly informed me that he understood how it worked, and it wasn't a good enough reason to stay.
When H cancels visits, it is me who comforts my child's disappointment. When he forgets that it's his afternoon to visit, it is me who cancels my plans to cover for him. When he fails to inform me he is running late for his morning visit, it is me who misses my train to work while I wait. When he forgets to send bottles, milk, clothes to daycare, or loses them during his time, it is me who replaces them.
I have spent our entire relationship compensating for H's shortcomings. His laziness, his procrastination, his unwillingness to participate in family time, his video game addiction, his prioritisation of friends, work, and hobbies over his wife, his inability to put someone else's needs before his own, his inability to communicate. I refuse to compensate any longer.
I was not a perfect wife, but nothing I did or did not do warranted the abandonment, emotional abuse, and continued mistreatment I have suffered. As a reminder, H betrayed his wife and destroyed his son's family when he decided to leave us to fool around with a 21 year old co-worker named OW. If you weren't aware of this, I'm sorry to break it to you, but I think you know he would never have admitted it.
You are entitled to support him despite his lying, cheating, cowardly behaviour and I do not hold that against you. I understand that he's your child and you love him no matter what. But any insinuation that the current situation is unfair to H is laughable coming from a man who continues to demonstrate a lack of integrity, courage, or the ability to do the right thing.
I want to explain how things currently stand in case H is muddying the waters with half-truths and lies by omission. It is my choice to have no contact with him after he called me a b!tch in front of my child. It is my choice to not allow him in my house after he verbally abused me. It is my choice to stop trying to save this marriage because of who he has shown himself to be.
None of these choices affect the custody arrangement. I communicate what is legally required to be shared. I never withhold or change the parenting time that was agreed upon. He has the opportunity to make the most of his parenting time and he chooses not to. In his own words, "I know I'm not doing what's best for my child but I don't care because I'm doing what's best for me".
Finally, I want to remind you that the legal standpoint of any family law case is that the child has rights and the parents have responsibilities. Parents do not have rights. Simply being a father does not entitle H to anything unless it is in the child's best interest. The same goes for myself. As the custodial parent, however, I do have decision-making abilities. I also have the right to know where and how my child is being cared for while not in my custody.
I know H has made out that I was some sort of control freak who made his life so miserable that he was willing to give it all up just to get out from under my all-powerful thumb. Search your heart and ask yourself if this is believable. If I was so controlling, how was he able to start an affair without me having any inkling that he was even unhappy?
I understand if I don't see or hear from you again.
I am glad you are jotting down your thoughts. It does help to have pen and paper handy for when you have that need to write. Some of what you jotted down may arise at some point...but I would wait and see how things go w/the MIL. For now, let's see what transpires in the days ahead.
I hope your insomnia improves and you can begin to get a good night's sleep more than once in a while. Keep the focus on you and your child.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy New Year, dear MLC board! I haven’t been here very long, but I’m touched by the care and support shown by every single member. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and advice with us all. Here’s hoping that 2020 is more fruitful and peaceful than we can imagine. We deserve it.
