I just cant fathom why the process hasn't started yet. If it can take months to years for a D to be finalized. We could still live together to survive if need be even if we divorced or separated...so why won't she start the process? Not saying I like that option but it would not be much different (in living arrangements) compared to where we are now except that I could pursue other relationships when/if I'm ready and she could pursue OM without the guilt, lies and secrets.
Just read this sentence again. I don't think she really wants it Do you want it? Do you want to pursue other women?
I've said this before and it's hard for people to understand If an spouse decides they don't want a D or doesn't do anything to start the D, that doesn't automatically mean they want to work on the M. It's not binary. There will be a long period of just doing not much. Now many LBS cant' handle this and despite claims they are standing for their marriage initiate the D. Patience is something that is absolute required.
I know a lot of vets will require their spouse to say they are working on the M. But that comes in many forms. the spouse has to work on the M in their own way and work on themselves.
I don't know where your W is in this process but it's never as fast and as clear as we would like.
THIS^^^^^^^^^
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I pray ^^^^ is the case. I have some hope and many doubts. Even if she doesnt want the D, it doesn't mean she wont file. I have no interest in pursuing other women (never have during a relationship) and do not want the D.
If I could go back, I would've apologized for the latest issue right as it happened in person with D4 present to see a man confess to his errors.
Based on many of your constructive responses, I really see a new level of how I had my hand in this relationship issue. These setbacks seem to bring back all the feelings I thought I already processed and dealt with.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core, to me the biggest issue you need to tackle is how to find inner happiness. I've lately in a lot of threads been hammering on the idea of finding happiness first with yourself before you can be one half of a happy MR. What does this mean? It means that the LAST thing that should be on your mind is dating other women.....even if your wife files for D! Why? Because the one thing you should be learning from all of this is that you haven't been happy with yourself........maybe ever. Therefore you cannot possible have a happy MR since that requires to happy, healthy individuals coming together as a couple.
Again, a lot of this should be explore in IC, but this is why we say focus on you. Become the best you that you can be! If you don't, then you are setting yourself up for BD#2, whether that is with someone new, or in MR 2.0 with your W.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In the middle of the worst of my situation, we went to a holiday party for my kids daycare. We took probably one of the best Christmas photos we have ever taken. The W looked beautiful, kids are smiling, I look happy. In the end it was all just a show.
I still have the photo.
Can we PM on here? Mario, I'd like to hear your sitch.
Steve, thank you. I spent some time with my IC getting through some things. Changing my game plan a bit, she's going to try EMDR in addition to the CBT which sounds like it'll be affective.
I still think she may be planning her exit. I'd love to agree with the statement that she may not want the D but I'm not seeing many positive signs. I'm not to the point where I want to file myself.
Recent positive signs: Hasn't filed that I know of, acknowledged some of my change
Recent neutral signs: Stopped gaslighting me, gives more than one word answers now, buys my family xmas gifts, makes and serves dinner for all of us.
Recent negative signs: in separate rooms, doors closed, initiates few chats, may still be talking to OM, when talking to kids - calls me "your dad" and not "dad", 0 physical touch, no conversations asking about just me or my day, advised she doesnt trust my changes.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
No, you cannot PM on here. The PM is not turned and we cannot provide our personal info on here either.
I did ask Mario if by change his previous name was Mario23 and he did not respond back to me. If he says that he is Mario 23, I will bump his threads up for him.
Core, focus on the positives. Keep the focus on you and your family. She's still got a ways to go and there is nothing you can do to rush the process. Continue making your changes and do not stop the changes. They have to become permanent and she will test you to see if you revert back to the old Core. Don't do it!
Dig deeper for patience and focus on you and how you respond to her behaviors. You can't control her...you can only control yourself. Keep in mind, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her....she has to do that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi All, Nothing new or big here. Continuing to work on patience. Xmas was almost normal, we worked through family issues together and seemingly all had a good time. We're keeping it mostly "business" however she brought up other topics which I validated as I could. Still no action towards R or new action towards D.
I got one of the recommended books on validation and its good so far. I never realized how much I invalidated feelings (not on purpose). More so, I didn't realize how much W invalidated me and for how long. After processing alot of this in IC, its no wonder the M fell apart. Whats scary here is I think I'm not just detaching, I think I may be starting to feel like a WAS does. I see and remember how critical W was of me, my passions, my parenting style. I see the contempt she held. All her passive aggressive explosions, comments and reactions. Her physical neglect, moving away from my signs of affection. Talking ill of my friends and family. Siding with others against me when I brought up issues to talk through. The invalidating, her messy nature. House always being a disaster and me to blame even when all my areas are clean. Me trying to talk and getting one word responses. I don't know all....I am unsure I want R if the opportunity does arise. I want it for the kids but now I'm seeing that being in this M is probably not in my best interest. I know its all feelings and they can change but just wow...shes treated me poorly for awhile. Consciously or not.
Here I am GALing, getting fit, eating well, drink less than once per month, reading, going to IC all while W is drinking, eating worse, stopped exercising, etc. I'm moving up while she seems to go down and as she goes down, I get more concerned for the kids. Especially if she is drinking at a friends and driving with them in the car.
End rant.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
That’s a really great update! Just be careful because feelings ebb and flow hence the roller coaster reference. Probably too early for you to become the WS but it certainly does happen sometimes.
Thank you LH! I don't think I'd let myself get to the WS point on principle alone but I do wonder how I'll come out of this limbo. 3 months in, no end in sight.
All, something I saw either online or in the validation book I'm reading...its been huge for me the last two days.
Make sure you are validating your own feelings, not just others'. I had to talk to myself out loud to really feel it but it worked. Found myself ruminating over something passive aggressive W did and I knew I'd have it in my mind till I talked to someone about it. Then I asked myself what was wrong and told myself it was normal to feel the frustration and anger. There are many reasons why its ok, especially given the circumstances. Then I asked how I can continue forward.
I always heard to accept and not fight your feelings, I just didn't understand what it meant. I literally used to tell myself "I accept that I'm anxious". That did nothing to help!
Probably stuff I should've learned years ago but it worked several times already and I think its good practice for me to better learn to validate others. Hope this helps someone else as well.
Last edited by Core; 12/29/1903:49 AM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core, there are good resources out there on validating your own feelings... check out self-compassion. It has helped me deal with my anxiety in particular.
I've felt the same way as you... fighting off anger and frustration because they are "bad" emotions. They are part of the full range of human emotions. It's okay to feel that way. They become problematic when we act out because of those emotions.
Along the way, on your journey of emotional growth, you will probably start to see your MR from new angles -- sometimes we talk about the rose-colored glasses and the gray-colored glasses. It's part of correcting course to the point where we can start to see things clearly, without a new set of clear lenses.
Steve and Mario, I think you were right. I think she was 2nd guessing the D or truly didnt want it. Didnt key word as I strayed from your advice again. My patience ran out today and I started an R talk. I status checked and got my grapes squashed. I asked what her plan was and she stated that we were taking time but are roomates. Shouldve left it at that but I asked what that meant. I validated for awhile, then I interjected my own issues with her affair and how she never truly apologized or showed remorse. After I had her on the defensive, she immediately brought up mediation and wants to start it in the new year.
She stepped away from the argument, mentioned she could never love me and wants to continue talking tomorrow. Heed the advice of the vets everyone.
Quick urgent advice, what do I do during our talk, just validate?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
