I like the advice "hoosjim" gives about going dark. I need to go dark all the way around. Part of my problem is calling my mom and her parents calling me to discuss the situation. I've probably told all of them way to much information. This has only made my situation worse.
I understand that I am falling in line with what Curtis7 has done in his situation. Being manipulative or passive-aggressive and making her isolated to my family and her family. Also the boys know way to much and they are beginning to resent her as well. She has mentioned that in the past. I know this isn't all on me however, as she is in another town 2 hours away for the weekend and our youngest son is sick. I carried him to the Dr. this morning so he is living through this as well.
He doesn't like the fact that she is out partying and obviously she will blame me for him feeling this way. I say that is BS and just a way of justifying her actions. Anytime these things happen it becomes a mess all the way around. I'm just blessed my sons are older.
Lots and lots of similarities I see between your sitch and mine and between our WWs. Unfortunately, by my understanding, your W's affair accelerated to become more involved than did mine... and I am a firm believer, based on personal experience and observation and from following situations on these boards, that the more involved/intimate an affair becomes, the harder and more time consuming it becomes for a WAS to "recover" (assuming she does ever recover). Right now your WW thinks she has found her "soulmate" and she is DEEP in Fantasyland. She gets her OM for the fantasy and the mystery and adventure without any of the "drag" and routine that is real life-- that part of her life is with you. You basically have no chance of R-ing under those circumstances. My MR survived and emerged in the timeframe it did only because my W never threw herself fully into the A... close but not quite... and because she remained tethered, at times only by a thread, to her faith and to the family ideals in which she was raised-- she really feared losing her boys, aged 17 and 18 at the time. Even then, two things had to happen without which she would never have come back:
1) She had to start seeing me as a man only a fool would leave (required major GALing and 180-ing...and i mean MAJOR...our MR was characterized by severe neglect and me having become a complete slug, with the additional challenge of my W being an extremely attractive/desirable woman-- she is 50 and still looks a hot 30-- with alot of options besides me), and
2) She had to fear losing me and our family.
Your W is not close to experiencing either of those things, imho. And she won't, until you do the requisite work on yourself.
When you say she is "staying with a friend out of town", I'm assuming you mean that she is or likely is seeing OM?
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
When you say she is "staying with a friend out of town", I'm assuming you mean that she is or likely is seeing OM?
No she is with her best friend who has been through a similar situation. The OM I am assuming has his kids this weekend and that is why she wants to go out of town IMO. I appreciate your thoughts and I have a lot of respect for your advice. It doesn't give me a lot of hope other than I know I have to "let her go". I know she has become very involved as they spent everyday for nearly 10 hours out of the day together at her job during the summer. There were no kids at schools so they had free range. He was buying her lunch, decorating her classroom, and heck he even gave her the promotion she had been dreaming of for years
I can be happy on my own. I just really hate it for my son but she will have to see the demage eventually when he is having to be shared or custody issues. Our son can be difficult so in a way she may be fine with him living with me. Next year the plan was for him to be in high school where I am coaching. That would put him with me everyday for the next 4 years. She has mentioned in the past she gets lonely and she wouldn't have anyone once he come to school with me. Thanks again "hoojim" for your advice and stating it plainly for me to see that this process will take a long time. I do believe that separation will be the key.
If I had it to do over with again I probably would have kicked her out upon first discovery. That is putting her things in the garage and telling her to leave.
Yeah avoid her at all costs and protect your kids. Get your ducks in a row and get ready for a battle. I suspect she will file after the New Year.
Stay strong B!
She will file online if she does. Everything 50/50. My lawyer said that was best and he is a bulldog. If he thought I could get anything else then he would have told me when we met. I really wouldn't mind having full custody of my son. I believe he will choose to live with me once she moves in with the OM.
One more thing I feel it is important for me to emphasize, which is the importance of GAL and 180s.
Initially, I should point out that I am a person of strong Christian faith and i remain convinced to this day, due particularly to the way things developed in my sitch-- the manner and timing with which certain people came into or BACK into my life and the manner and timing in which certain revelations came to me--that there was divine providence and grace at work in my situation... It's really the only explanation for how some of these things went down. Not to mention how both my heart and my W's hearts seem to have been "turned" at points when we had to all appearances committed to leaving the MR. Speaking just for myself I was disgusted with her... Was finally completely comfortable (and even a bit excited) with the idea of being on my own... Had some other clear "prospects"... Young and attractive ones at that... Had reconnected with friends and made new ones, etc. One kid out of the house and the other on the verge so "collateral damage" somewhat minimized. In other words no real reason for me to turn back. And yet, when my MC/IC brokered a meetup between us a couple of weeks later in a "neutral" location (small town about 45 mins south of here), ostensibly just to try to make the breakup more amicable, and I first saw her walk around the corner... My heart just changed and I knew she was sorry for what she'd done and i knew I wanted to take her back. And she did all the right things from there... And here we are.
So, when I talk about how I did this or that or my W acted such and so way or that it is important to do ________, just know that this is where I am coming from. At the end of the day, I just think that this is where we were meant to be, and that everything we went through, all the steps and missteps, was necessary, and in fact the only path we could have taken to get where we got, so ALL GLORY TO HIM, and not tooting my own horn on any of this...
ALL THAT BEING SAID... this divine providence, or whatever, definitely manifested itself in certain ways, and there were certain "truths" or paths that I was blessed to discover that contributed to the final outcome. And one aspect of my sitch that I think does NOT come across very well in my threads is the importance and value of a dynamic and strong GAL/180 program. I tended not to talk very much about my GAL and 180s all that much in my threads (and as a result I even got, mistakenly, called out more than once for neglecting my GAL) for the simple reason that, from a very early point in time, I felt that I was doing an outstanding job in those areas and didn't need any help/advice concerning them. Even though I did struggle with true and consistent detachment, did often find myself spinning as a result of my WWs behavior, and, like most LBSs on here, made plenty of mistakes in my interactions, my GAL/180 game was consistently strong. At age 50, I got into the best physical shape of my life, upgraded my style/wardrobe and started dressing and grooming like a man trying to attract a woman instead of like a "dad". Never left the house even to go to the gym that I didn't look my best (and boy did she notice... "Why do you always get dressed so nice and put on body spray before you go to the gym, now?" Me: no answer, smiling). I rediscovered my faith, started attending a new, vibrant church with a younger, very active congregation. Went out of my way to contact old but dear friends that I had mostly lost touch with. Spent some weekends away from home, visiting them, and being vague about my whereabouts when talking to her. When I did talk to her, spoke in a confident, and sometimes even flirtatous manner, but never expected anything and never over pursued. Re-committed to some of my passions, particularly the outdoors, and took up new activities like kayaking. Stepped a bit outside of my comfort zone, establishing an outgoing social media presence (which, by the way, also helped her to see the new me) and venturing out to local bars and such to see live music, sometimes even on my own, becoming a regular at one neighborhood spot. I got a tattoo-- because I'd wanted one for a while and now didn't really care "what she thought" (she professes not to like them). As a result of all this, I started getting attention, some from strangers of the opposite sex, but some from common friends and neighbors... Which, trust me, can making an impression: hearing things like "Wow, I saw Hoosjim at ________ the other day and he looked GREAT" or walking into your favorite pub and seeing a gorgeous 20-something hanging on your every word makes a BIG difference in how a WW ultimately views you. It's all about being the absolute best you can be... And my relationship does not emerge from the darkness without that happening.
Other GAL tips-- I've always been mechanically inclined, and "handy", but had become slack and lazy in this regard. I re-committed to "doing for myself" in terms of home and car repairs. And I'm not talking about the "gay butler" routine that s lot of LBHs do when they are trying to "nice her back" and they start doing all the housework... I'm talking about tinkering and repairing and using tools to fix broken things that you might otherwise have to call a contractor for. It's called "being capable", and if you think it doesn't make an impression on a woman I've got news for you...it does... She basically raped me a few weeks back when I was in the kitchen repairing the dishwasher.
Here's a tip: You'll know you're GALing and 180-ing WELL when you're W or XW (If it gets to that point) asks you " Who ARE you?"
GAL, GAL, GAL. And if it doesn't help you reclaim your W, it will certainly help you find someone better (and, most importantly, find a better YOU).
Hang in there man! Have a happy, and successful, New Year!
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/28/1904:42 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Also, wrt your sons... Do NOT feel guilty. Your son's are old enough to understand what is going on, and You do not owe her any protective lies or cover stories. While you obviously shouldn't be actively trashing her or trying to poison her relationship with them, you also shouldn't be going out of your way to hide the truth from them or cover for her... If they ask you something the truth is never the wrong answer. At the end of the day she is a big girl and chose this course of action... And actions have consequences. One of the natural consequences of this sort of behavior is the damaging ofone's relationships with one's children, and you certainly do not owe her any protection in that regard.
And should she ever object to the kids knowing the truth, your response should simply be "What, you want me to lie to our children?"
To which her response might be "why wouldn't you just want everyone to be happy"
To which, in turn, your response would be "so you expect them to be happy that their family is being broken up?"
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/28/1905:01 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
“Hoosjim” Should I GAL and do 180’s even as I go dark. For example, she has texted me tonight but I have not replied. I just need to really get involved with my job. I’ve been doing that and I work long hours. She doesn’t mind this as it will give her an opportunity to have her rendezvous with him at his new home in town.
I’m having a hard time GAL and doing 180’s when I know she is up to no good. Eventually I will need to file for divorce to keep my sanity. You see as long as I’m staying gone with work, her living in the home, using the same checking account etc... I believe she will just continue to become more and more secretive and deceptive with the OM.
If I file and begin to move on she will have to decide whether or not she will sign the papers. I’m still hoping she will move out. She wants to but her parents will not have her because she is involved with the OM. Heck she got pissed about the real estate agent coming over. She then claimed we can sell it for what the tax accessor’s office has it appraised for. Another reason she didn’t want her coming over is because we know her personally. She would see all my wife’s stuff crammed into the office bedroom that has no closet. Lol.
She went to Walmart to get a hanging rack for her clothes. “Hoosjim”, do you think I should sit tight and just ignore her and cut off all communication with her except in regards to the children?
Or am I thinking of this in the wrong way. Knowing all the physical contact they are having and her telling me the details as she did the other night just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m really struggling with whether or not I could ever truly forgive her. The information I know is just probably way to much. I mean they were having sex nearly 4 days a week the whole month of August. The 1st month school started back. They even joked about how they had more sex now that school started back than they did during the summer.
