I think more of abandonment is leaving a marriage, the kids, and leaving someone on the street with nothing.
Thanks Ginger. That actually did happen to her. At least twice that I know of.
I'm not so sure that she has codependent tendencies. Certainly hasn't shown a "need" to take care of everything for me. Nor has she shown a tendency to control. Boundaries are fairly solid I think. She is a bit of an over-thinking, but so am I so who am I to judge. Some self-esteem issues rooted in childhood and never being "good enough" for her parents undoubtedly magnified by past failed relationships.
She does have a big heart and has been known to adopt strays. Both critters and kids have found an at least a temporary refuge with her.
In conversations we've had, she's emphasized her abilities to manage on her own and the resources that she has currently and also that she plans to bring to bear in the future. There's a lot of justifiable pride in her ability to manage in difficult circumstances. Despite her kids being more or less normal for their ages, one thing that I do absolutely see is how they view themselves as a unit more than I've encountered before. They are all very supportive of each other despite the usual sibling / thing. The XHs are certainly not part of that unit.
It certainly something that I need to be thoughtful of and aware of which is why I brought it up here rather than just in my diary.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I’m not up to date with your relationship but I read exhs plural. As a numbers guy I must warn you the D rate is 80% on 3 marriages and higher.
I studied mathematics at the University of Waterloo back in the day when the only numbers we had were One, Two, Three, Many Failed my statistics class rather badly.
A couple of random quotes. The first one has guided my thinking for quite some time and was gifted to me by an old friend of the forum - now passed on. I'm using it here slightly out of context.
Originally Posted by Jack_Three_Beans
I had a saying I used often. I'm not certain if I am going to say it 100% correctly.
Whether it is a 1 in 100 chance of saving your marriage or a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance of saving your marriage it doesn't matter the end number, what matters is the first number. Be the 1.
My sin was knowing that I would be the 1. That was my pride.
Let it be yours.
And another one - very out of context.
Originally Posted by Welcome To Night Vale
Correlation does not imply causation.
For better or worse, I'm a person who believes in people. Who believes in hard work and honesty. Who believes in himself. And who yes, believes in hope. And Jack.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think I get where you’re coming from, Andrew. You don’t like being alone. You’ve had health issues that make you very aware of your mortality and you want to live life with a companion now because the future is uncertain.. You like being the White Knight and feel like your financial, moral and emotional stability are a big part of the package that you offer (it is). I get it.
Just also be aware of potential minefields. You’re a bit of a fussbudget when it comes to your space - you like things done a certain way, you like your routines, your standards for cleanliness and neatness might be higher than most. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that but it might spell disaster should you bring her and her family into your home. She may voice aspirations to live a more organized life but she wasn’t doing that before you met her and her kids haven’t grown up with that. My guess is, if they lived with you, you would quickly become exasperated at her kids’ lack of neatness, and either be mad as you clean up after everyone, or alienate them by trying to make everybody live up to your standards.
In my opinion, it’d be wiser to just date until her kids are grown. But if you do decide at some point to rescue them by taking them into your home, think long and hard about how flexible you can be, or how willing you would be to clean after them without resentment.
Thanks kml. The only parts that I'd dispute are your second and third sentence. I'm hoping to add depth and richness to my life. Yes, I don't like being alone, but I won't pair up if there's a chance of losing the person I have discovered myself to be. For the third point, I like to believe that my health issues are well under control and hope for a long and productive future ahead of me. At this point I'm planning on working in to my early 70s and being active in volunteering etc beyond that.
When I started dating S it was with a hope that she would inspire me to venture outside the groove I was wearing in the carpet following my routines. In fact that is one of the particular things that inspired me to go on the first and second dates with her. I haven't been proven wrong. It's finding the balance between the two ways of looking at the world that has both added richness and also occasional discomfort.
All of these items have crossed my mind. I do like to believe that I'm not quite the Felix Unger that I may appear to be And for her part, S has certainly shown that she has a depth of character and strength that is in contrast to the superficial opinions of some who think of her as rather scattered and bubble-headed.
I just cut out a long rambling commentary.
Just be assured that this has been a topic of conversation in the "this is something we will need to accommodate for each other" vs "this is the way that it needs to be" vein. How that will be done is as yet unknown. Undoubtedly I will make a number of adjustments. Which is inevitable going from essentially a bachelor living in a big somewhat empty house with his two cats and the ghostly presence of S25 to something completely different. And I've been open and honest about the fact that some things take me a while to process. S has been understanding about this I believe.
For her part, she is having to come to terms that the life that could be available to her isn't the same as what she has painted in her own imagination with a big house in the country and lots of animals around, many of whom have been trained by the Walt Disney Corporation to do household chores.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
A very nice update. Someone caring about you, seeing you off to work, even mumbles from a pile of blankets, is wonderfully intoxicating.
I do believe that S’s children know you care as well. So it won’t just be your faster WIFI that brings S12 to want to stay over; you probably have a bigger TV too.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
One thing that struck me that I need to give a lot of thought to is during a quiet moment she said "promise not to abandon me like everyone else did".
That is a touching sentiment.
We all see other’s actions and word choices through our own lens and perceptions; a kind of mind reading based on our beliefs and values.
Her reference to abandonment is both a red flag and a green flag. Her fears regarding abandonment would be a place for her to grow. I’m pretty sure she has been hurt before, and she is being quite vulnerable in opening up. I do know you well enough to believe you would not abandon her. The discussion of when it is breaking up or abandonment is one I am sure you are considering carefully. And something you consider very low in probability of happening.
S looking for a promise to basically not leave, shows her desire for a long term relationship. I suppose if one were to look at this cynically she desires the power over the relationship, to know that you wouldn’t leave but she could. However, I’m not very cynical. I do believe and hope in people, and I take her comment at face value.
My lens, she is looking long term, and so are you. Both running to something instead of running from something, that’s about the best it can be. That richness in your life you speak about.
My advice, other than good glue on the bed frame , is don’t sweat the small stuff. You are fussy around the house, which is a very good thing. When things inevitably don’t quite go according to plan, let it go. Ensure you worry about what truly matters, and let the rest be, don’t sweat the small stuff. And as a 52 year old single guy looking after his own big house and yard - yeah I know how we can get set in our ways when having to do it all. Don’t sweat the small stuff does get repeated to myself every now and then, and I laugh at listening to my own (DnJ’s) advice.
Anyhow, I just thought I’d pop by and pass on how my first thoughts reading her words were “how touching”. The rest came after thinking about it; that mind reading. Sometimes it’s best not to read too far into things. You are rather lucky, you can during a quiet moment talk to her about this. Gently assuring her and seeing what she feels and thinks.
I will attest that the animals that reside in proximation to my country home are unfortunately not Disney trained either.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Windy, rainy day right now with some ice here and there in Upper, Lower, Middle Kanukistan. A good day to stay in bed in your PJs but the roads were open so I made it in to the plant. Should be a quiet day here for me although others are trying to get the order books cleared up for year end and I saw that we have some bulk deliveries coming in as well. The rail siding just outside my window is pretty much empty which is very unusual. There's only 3 cars there instead of the usual 10 or so.
Interesting and enjoyable few days over Christmas. S stayed with me from Boxing Day to last night. It's actually been about a week since she's been home.
She messaged me after she got home I know I'm back home with boys....Alexa just gave a reminder saying she has constipation
Her S12 was with his Dad from Christmas day on - somewhat. He was at the cottage that his Dad is currently renting (he moves a "lot") by himself with his sister's dog to look after. It seems though that his Dad and sister were off "filming" for a few days and would come home very late at night and leave early in the morning leaving him on his own. I'd suggested on Saturday that he could stay with us. On Sunday there was bad weather forecast and when S checked, his Dad wouldn't be home until "very" late and would have to borrow a car to drive S12 home. So S checked with everyone and then we drove the 45 minutes each way to pick him - and the dog up. The dog was very keen to leave and jumped right in to my car despite never having been in it before. S12 seemed pretty happy to see us too. He took us on a tour of the cottage - a furnished rental. I did the nosy thing and checked the contents of the fridge. The only thing in there was a partial carton of eggs and some pop. It looked like pre-made frozen dinners were in the freezer. Wheeee! He was however, warm, safe and cheerful. I think S counted that as an over-all win considering how self-centred that XH#2 is.
S and I made up broccoli and duck pie for dinner with fresh biscuits.
On the drive to the house from the cottage, S12 - in the way that he has - out of the blue asked - "so - are you guys getting married?". He seemed satisfied with the non-committal answer he got and probably got the reference when I muttered that "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition".
S12 plopped himself in front of the TV and seemed content with the world when he got to my house. He did take himself on a tour as well which S25 assisted in when they bumped in to each other.
Given that there were 2 dogs, a woman, and an extra kid in the house off and on, I made a point of thanking S25 for his consideration for the last few days. I think he found it rather tough to be invaded. "The girls" (cats) seemed more or less OK and S25 was very protective of them and their interests. I suspect these past few days are going to be another nudge in him getting his own place. There were a few times that I could see him biting his tongue and holding his temper at me likely with regards to the inconvenience to his girls plus the extra noise and mess.
He was though a very good host and cheerful to our "guests" including the dogs. I was very pleased that he took S's dog who is a small barky kind of thing (some sort of poodle cross) on a few walks when we were out.
S and I did have a bit of a "difference of opinion". On Saturday we went on an adventure to a local flea market. S made the comment that I didn't like her driving because I always drove. I countered that I had no problem with her driving but that yes, I "preferred" to drive when we went out. Which she took as me not liking her driving.
On Sunday when we were heading out to get S12, she was startled when I went to the passenger side of her van while she was standing at the passenger side of the car. I think she got the point - and asked me if I could drive because she had missed one of her ADD prescription doses and didn't want to drive that distance given other options.
We also had a bit of a disagreement when the subject of the end of my marriage came up. S was stuck on a narrative that my ex must have been unhappy which I disagreed with having my own narrative that it was an opportunistic thing for her when OM more or less literally fell in to her lap as a well off puddle of need after his wife died. Certainly understanding the reason for the end of a prior relationship is important. S and my ex do know each other socially - small town dating - but aren't friends. To the best of my knowledge they've not bumped in to each other since we've been dating although my ex undoubtedly is fully aware via regular gossip channels plus S25.
S is I think ready to file for divorce from her H. A big thing that has held her back I think is the fact that she needs to use his benefits to manage a couple of conditions that she has (ADD and chronic pain). I knew from my own divorce and double-checked with my HR person that it is common practice to keep an ex-spouse on your benefits if they posses a pre-existing condition. S thinks that her STBX will be decent about it all. Their relationship is certainly a bit weird. She largely ignores him but he sends her messages on pretty much a daily basis. Things like "does the dollar store sell potato mashers", commenting on the price of gas etc. She had been intending to sit and talk with him a week or so ago but bad weather had everyone stuck at home. This is a crappy time to be given that sort of news so I personally hope that she waits until after the New Year. There are also a couple of minor financial ties plus a bit of S's furniture still at his house that would need to be sorted out. Despite them not actively living together for about 5 years now, it's been an oddly drawn out process which I honestly do not understand. I do though believe S's reassurances that it is very very over and has been for some time. What his opinion is and what impact that will have on S may well be another matter.
So - New Years I am 99% sure that I will be smooched by a lovely lady. We're not sure where - geographically that is. I told her that I'm open to either place. S12 will be not going out and it's uncertain if S17 will. My S25 may or may not have plans. I believe he doesn't. I do get the feeling that it will be at my house with S12.
For 2020 we have decided that we're not looking back and will only be looking forward.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Dude, this S relationship is just a redux of the B relationship. Married woman with a loser husband and dependents needs some financial security and a place to stay. You need to date some other women before you go down that path again.
Failed my statistics class rather badly.
And for her part, S has certainly shown that she has a depth of character and strength that is in contrast to the superficial opinions of some who think of her as rather scattered and bubble-headed.
