I really do. We are having gifts at my parents house today and she was not invited. Now tomorrow her Dad has told me he would like for me to come for the kids sake. I told him I would do it for the kids. I’m second guessing that and feeling like it isn’t a good idea.
I know I need to be much much firmer in speaking with her. I understand she has no respect for me, our family, or our Sons. She has destroyed their family and a life in which they will always resent her. They will more than likely blame her and not trust her. I’m saying this because I feel this way about my own mother. As hard as I try I have never fully forgiven my mother. I still don’t which is a problem but that’s ok. I had a lot of pain and heartache due to my parents splitting up and my mother marrying her infidelity partner. I watched my own father never remarry and never become involved with another woman.
I feel bad for my father because now I realize the pain he must have endured. It’s hard to watch, even as a kid, one parent move in in happiness while the other parent struggles with the loss and never fully recovers from it.
IMHO you shouldn't go play family with her at her folks' house. neither her parents nor your kids should have to ask why, since it sounds like everybody knows. If they do ask, you can give the truthful answer without feeling like you're doing anything wrong or giving anything up. You're already going to have Christmas with your kids elsewhere, so you don't need to go over there and subject yourself to that hurt, look weak in your boys' eyes, and give her the comfort of knowing that you're going to be at her beck and call whenever she wants to play like everything is okay with the family. She made this mess, and now she has to live in it. Part of that mess is a broken family. It [censored], but that's the way it is.
My advice here might be somewhat different if your kids didn't already know about the situation. Might, but then again I doubt it.I know at least one of your son's already knows, and they're probably both old enough to know what's going on. Let your wife explain her way out of it, or try to. You shouldn't be subjecting yourself to this.
I am sorry, BB, I know this is a crappy time to have to deal with this, but I really think you need to do this now, for yourself, but also for your kids, so that all you can start moving forward.
Stay strong, man... Praying for ya!
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/24/1908:12 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Youre a coach right? Use strategy. Pack her $hit. Put it by the front door. Have her out by the 1st. Do it without saying a word in silence other than Jan 1st notice. Follow through with it. Do it sooner than later. Either way its a win/win for you. She will resent you for kicking and screaming at first but trust me they need to respect you, and you need to respect yourself your integrity your self-worth and your family. A woman must first and foremost respect a man, and a man must love a woman. You have two choices allow it to continue, and her benefit from the marriage and the marriage home while rubbing your nose in dog$hit, continuing to be disrespectful, allowing her to cake eat off of it while invading YOUR PRIVACY. Or you can say BE GONE! You broke the marriage contract. GET OUT. Again SAY NOTHING! Just do it. I know this sounds like a bunch of outsiders are trying to talk you up into doing something we all know you really don't want to do. I totally understand that she's the mother of your children and you don't want to see her homeless or dramatize or upset the children in front of her or vice versa. But a rebellious attitude like this will do more damage to you and your family if you let her stay.
But it has to be done for two reasons. She wull only lose more respect for you and continue to to manipulate further if you don't put your foot down earlier now while the situation is fresh, rather than later when she takes even more advantage of you and your family and your home and your kids. Set the precedence. Two. It will give you a sense of self-worth and emotional protection. Ask yourself this question? If she was in was in her right mind, on moral high ground, and you cheated. She probably wouldn't hesitate to do this to you. People treat you the way you train them to treat you. Do it! Its a win/win. I've read about so many guys on here putting up with this kind of behavior for months and all they did was escalate further and further into disrespect and even more drama and manipulation. A lot of them wished I could go back in time and nip it in the bud early. Be a man of self worth and integrity and just do it. Make sure you record it for your protection too in case any false DV claims are brought against you. Maybe she'll get run over by a reindeer on the way to OM's house tonight. Lol. Get your Ball$ back Coach!
And if you're worried about "ruining Christmas", keep telling yourself the truth of the matter that SHE did this. SHE is the one who broke the marriage contract, betrayed you and your children, and willingly entered into and CONTINUED this affair. And to top it off, she's pulled all this additional BS and shoved it in your face RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. The only ruining that's being done is by her. You're just trying to steer a path to clearer, safer, and happier waters for you and your boys... And right now that is away from her!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I’m going to do that for myself tomorrow. We will open gifts at home and then they can go to her families house. She said she will be out by January 1st. I agree that all of this right here at Christmas time is pretty humiliating and low. She is an addict.
Like someone else said, for everyone in town to know and her park and be picked up and go back to his home where he lives right across the street from my grandmothers is pretty darn low. Her behaviors disgusts me and I really feel sorry for my two boys.
I know I shouldn’t care but will she ever have remorse for all the wrong she has done? I can’t see how someone can do these things and hurt a lot of people and then live a fulfilling life. Every where they turn there will be reminders of the destruction their actions have caused.
I know that I’m letting go I shouldn’t be concerned with that at all. My concern should be on me and my boys.
I was in this Exact same position as you are 12 months ago..
One thing i will say ( which is probably not much use to you now ) is that it gets so much better.
Sandy says they stay wayward until they hit rock bottom.. ie they are stuck in the affair fog...
On the other hand there is the LBS fog.. But there will come a point when this lifts and you will see things so much clearer.
Focus on the stuff you can control.. Focus on you.. Focus on Respect.
You are doing a great job.. Keep it up and get her out. Read Curtis's thread. That is where you dont want to be in 3 months. You can't make people respect you.. Respect is earned by actions.. Keep taking action and earn peoples respect. Get to the point where you don't care if the WW respects you or not - her loss - Just like she lost her self respect and dignity when she cheated.
The best post i have read on here ( ok i was slightly drunk ) was the Top Gun post last night.. A great post... Become that guy...
Re the remorse. I think it depends on the person - At the minute.. Not a hope in hell of remorse. Maybe for 5 minutes as thats whats in her head at that time. As long as she is WW her feelings are up and down, so it will never be sincere.
In the case of my WW, she became phyical with EA3 last January. She moved out in March and they became an item. I went dark and she was just a nasty piece of work.
They didnt last - I suspected they has split even before my children told me. Her actions changed... She keeps ringing me ( i refuse to speak to her - everything is in writing ) , she continually texts me and its always polite / nice and she keeps trying to talk to me on child exchanges.
I even got an Xmas present tonight !!!! (i got her nothing )
She has never appologised, but i'm convinced she is a narsasist, so will never admit to wrongs, but her actions have chnaged.
Its irrelivant to me as ive moved on.
The chances of OM and WW making it work long term are less that 2%.. You have more chance of winning the lottery. So one day she may show remorse, but do you really want to be plan B.. Life is short.. Live it - You will get past the point of caring about remorse etc.. Just live for you and enjoy Xmas.
Just thing concequences to actions.. I sit her smiling, knowing my children chose to wake up at my house on Xmas morning, and are spending the day with me - their choice. You children know the truth so just be there for them and look after yourself - Happy Xmas.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I was in this Exact same position as you are 12 months ago..
One thing i will say ( which is probably not much use to you now ) is that it gets so much better.
Sandy says they stay wayward until they hit rock bottom.. ie they are stuck in the affair fog...
On the other hand there is the LBS fog.. But there will come a point when this lifts and you will see things so much clearer.
Focus on the stuff you can control.. Focus on you.. Focus on Respect.
You are doing a great job.. Keep it up and get her out. Read Curtis's thread. That is where you dont want to be in 3 months. You can't make people respect you.. Respect is earned by actions.. Keep taking action and earn peoples respect. Get to the point where you don't care if the WW respects you or not - her loss - Just like she lost her self respect and dignity when she cheated.
The best post i have read on here ( ok i was slightly drunk ) was the Top Gun post last night.. A great post... Become that guy...
Re the remorse. I think it depends on the person - At the minute.. Not a hope in hell of remorse. Maybe for 5 minutes as thats whats in her head at that time. As long as she is WW her feelings are up and down, so it will never be sincere.
In the case of my WW, she became phyical with EA3 last January. She moved out in March and they became an item. I went dark and she was just a nasty piece of work.
They didnt last - I suspected they has split even before my children told me. Her actions changed... She keeps ringing me ( i refuse to speak to her - everything is in writing ) , she continually texts me and its always polite / nice and she keeps trying to talk to me on child exchanges.
I even got an Xmas present tonight !!!! (i got her nothing )
She has never appologised, but i'm convinced she is a narsasist, so will never admit to wrongs, but her actions have chnaged.
Its irrelivant to me as ive moved on.
The chances of OM and WW making it work long term are less that 2%.. You have more chance of winning the lottery. So one day she may show remorse, but do you really want to be plan B.. Life is short.. Live it - You will get past the point of caring about remorse etc.. Just live for you and enjoy Xmas.
Just thing concequences to actions.. I sit her smiling, knowing my children chose to wake up at my house on Xmas morning, and are spending the day with me - their choice. You children know the truth so just be there for them and look after yourself - Happy Xmas.
Thanks Mr. B for the kind words. I know that my kids are the most important thing in my life and they will see that there mother has decided to peruse other things in life. I know I need to move on and be strong for them. After this last incident it has woken me up to the reality of what she is doing to me. Anybody no matter what they have ever done in their past does not deserve to be treated this way.
I have read Curtis’s thread and it scares the hell out of me. I do not want to be in his position and I feel so sorry for what he has gone through. If I continue in this cycle then that could easily be me next year.
Guys..This site is not private. There are controls to limit access. Mainly registering and moderation on the posts. So there is some protection there, but most of you are kidding yourself if you think more than a few spouses haven't found this site and learned how people were telling all the bad things about them (even if true)
It's always a risk with a site like this. LBS have to understand that. We tend to think the site is private and secure. It's just like anything. You get comfortable and probably have a false sense of security.
In the long run, it won't change anything one way or another.
Youre a coach right? Use strategy. Pack her $hit. Put it by the front door. Have her out by the 1st. Do it without saying a word in silence other than Jan 1st notice. Follow through with it. Do it sooner than later. Either way its a win/win for you. She will resent you for kicking and screaming at first but trust me they need to respect you, and you need to respect yourself your integrity your self-worth and your family. A woman must first and foremost respect a man, and a man must love a woman. You have two choices allow it to continue, and her benefit from the marriage and the marriage home while rubbing your nose in dog$hit, continuing to be disrespectful, allowing her to cake eat off of it while invading YOUR PRIVACY. Or you can say BE GONE! You broke the marriage contract. GET OUT. Again SAY NOTHING! Just do it. I know this sounds like a bunch of outsiders are trying to talk you up into doing something we all know you really don't want to do. I totally understand that she's the mother of your children and you don't want to see her homeless or dramatize or upset the children in front of her or vice versa. But a rebellious attitude like this will do more damage to you and your family if you let her stay.
But it has to be done for two reasons. She wull only lose more respect for you and continue to to manipulate further if you don't put your foot down earlier now while the situation is fresh, rather than later when she takes even more advantage of you and your family and your home and your kids. Set the precedence. Two. It will give you a sense of self-worth and emotional protection. Ask yourself this question? If she was in was in her right mind, on moral high ground, and you cheated. She probably wouldn't hesitate to do this to you. People treat you the way you train them to treat you. Do it! Its a win/win. I've read about so many guys on here putting up with this kind of behavior for months and all they did was escalate further and further into disrespect and even more drama and manipulation. A lot of them wished I could go back in time and nip it in the bud early. Be a man of self worth and integrity and just do it. Make sure you record it for your protection too in case any false DV claims are brought against you. Maybe she'll get run over by a reindeer on the way to OM's house tonight. Lol. Get your Ball$ back Coach!
You legally can't kick a spouse of the house. You just can't. There might be legal consequences to doing so. I would advise against this action unless you've spoken to an attorney. I know many will disagree and say it's taking your bal$$ back but your W will never see it this way.
And before everyone jumps all over me. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be strong or take action against his wife.
