Line from a show I was just watching: "We accept the love we think we deserve".
You deserve more, girl.
Thank you. I finally believe I do.
We just got home from Our PA trip with my dad and his wife. It went well. We had a good time. My dad also drives like a maniac at 90 mph, riding everyone’s a$$ weaving in and out of lanes. We had our usually argument over that. I tell him it makes me sick, it’s scary, please calm down, then he screams at me. But I’m used to it.
Now we are home and he is being quiet and cranky. Already said something about my daughter’s room. I’m beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable in my home. I work for the next 2 days while they are here, so I guess that’s good ( although booooo work) I only get actual Christmas Day off this week.
Feeling weird. I really did have a good time.
I just feel kind of out of sorts. And I feel fat. But that’s a whole other story. I am stressing about getting everything together for my second job. And I just really don’t want a second job. One is enough and stressful. But I guess I got do what a girl’s got to do.
I just got to get through these holidays with my sanity.
Today was yet another looooong day at work. Just not enough time in the day to get your work done. I did come home to dinner made by my dads wife. My dad did some cleaning..... and of course made passive aggressive comments, but he meant well, and I appreciate it. D12 is at a friends holiday party and will be home at 9. I’ve got a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow too. I’ve been so busy at work, I’ve been having a hard time following up with stuff for my new job, I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose that opportunity and I can’t afford too. It’s too much to do, too little time. I’m feeling the pressure hard core.
I wish I could be much more optimistic. But for the love of God, why are some people meant to struggle for so long???? Am I still paying for my past transgressions? I feel like I’ve paid a million fold. I’m tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired, and my soul is tired. I never imagined I would be carrying so much responsibility and stress for so long and all alone. It feels almost cruel.
This year is killing me. Last year, I was seeing what I thought was this wonderful guy, I had a new home, and I got to meet this guys family on Christmas Eve and they loved me and I loved them. And I remember thinking as we lay in his bed that night “ finally, this is why all my struggle happened, this is the pay off”
Well, that was nothing more than a cruel joke. And here i am, a year later, alone, broke, stressed, and fat.
You’re stealing my thunder about paying for behavior. Let’s make a pact that we feel sorry for ourselves through 2019 and in 2020 we make $hit happen for ourselves!
I can one up you, my friend. My exH was my friends ex boyfriend. I made a really bad mistake at 18/19 and I’m paying for it ever since. She has forgiven me sometime ago and we are still very close friends. I have not forgiven myself yet, Though. It was out of character for me. When everyone abandoned me , and he gave me attention, I took the bait. And we all know how that turned out.
But maybe it is time to forgive myself and stop hating myself for it. I always told myself I absolutely deserve what’s coming to me for the rest of my life for what I did. But maybe no more. I’ve learned my lesson. A kazillion times over. And said friend always says if anyone deserves it, it’s me, and I even hurt her badly.
So yes, let’s forgive ourselves and make this year the beat and take the bulls by the horn. It’s time.
Well I’m right there with you. My ex went out on a few dates with my friend and I snatched her away from him. Justifying by saying it was only a few dates. It bothered me and our friendship was never the same. My ex never seemed to care. Now here we go again she’s sort of doing it again.
Karma can be a b!tch.
Last edited by job; 12/24/1905:59 PM. Reason: edited language
So here we go. I’m going to Complain and whine here because I don’t do it IRL.
I am being hit very hard emotionally. I saw an IG story today FF’s sister posted. Usually seeing him and his GF doesn’t bother me. But today it made me feel so bad for myself. She made a “this is family” with her parents, her boyfriend, and FF and his girlfriend dancing and singing . I knew it was never going to be and him. But why can’t I just have something like that?!? I seriously can’t believe it’s another Christmas and new years alone again. And literally, New Years is alone.
I’m just sad and lonely it is actually causing me pain. I haven’t felt this low in so long. I feel like the most unlovable reject. I know I am not, but it’s how I feel. And I know this feeling will pass. But it’s hammering down on me hard.
I will do what good mothers do. Go home, put on the most excited happy face and indulge my daughter with cookie making and Christmas movie watching. She will never know my heart is breaking.
LH, you are a man after my own heart! I’d totally get drunk with you. We would have a blast. As miserable as I sound here, I’m actually a pretty fun and I laugh all the time.
