Scout's QLC journey #2

[scout12]

Thanks for the advice, job and kml. I'll see if I can make this happen.

H has sent an email informing me that he is unavailable for today's visitation, and will be unavailable for next week's as well. No reason given other than "it's a busy time of year". And in the same email, he asked for multiple changes to the current visitation schedule giving him more time at his convenience. Bit of a head-scratcher, that one.

The tone of the email was overly nice and solicitous. I read it as manipulative and guilt-trippy. There were lots of unctuous comments about how the changes would benefit me "and especially S". He mentioned how much the family enjoyed their weekend with S and "we would like the chance to do that more often". He ended it saying "looking forward to seeing you guys at 8am sharp Thursday" with a smiley face emoji.

A few months ago, I would have been thrilled to have 'nice' communication. Now it sets my teeth on edge.

I'm not obliged to agree to any changes, but I do have a change of my own that I've been wanting to raise. So I will lead with that and respond with a compromised schedule. H can take or leave it. He is asking for an overnight, which has never been an option up for discussion to due S1's age, and won't be for another year a least. He knows this.

I won't respond until after Christmas to give myself a break. After Boxing Day, I won't have to see him until the following Sunday. Yay!

[DS9]

Hey scout

Sorry things didn’t go better with dad. Respectfully, the money issue sounds like a father desperately trying to be ‘fatherly’, but in a clumsy, disrespectful way. I’d let it go.

I liked the discussion about honour. Honour for me is very important. There is precious little of it in today’s world of personal happiness at any cost. Arm your son with with not only honour but the tools he’ll need so as not to repeat his fathers mistakes.

The email from H smacks of his family’s involvement, not that that’s a bad thing. Good idea to wait before replying. I too am wary of overly obsequious and unctuous messages from my XW. They usually presage advantage attempting to be taken.

Merry Xmas to you and your son.

Cheers ds

[kml]

“Unctuous” - THAT is the word! Those are the kinds of emails my ex sends - all smarmy nice, full of plausible deniability, while he sticks the knife in your back.

[DnJ]

Merry Christmas scout

I do remember how difficult it was to feel that in the beginning. And I remember all the kind people who still wished the best for me and my kids.

Have a happy Christmas with S1 and best wishes.

DnJ

[scout12]

Thanks DnJ. It sounds like you had a beautiful Christmas with the family, plus the usual XW weirdness that you are fortunate to be removed from.

I posted an open house invitation to my Facebook page on the 23rd. I took the opportunity to thank people for their love and support since my marriage came to an unexpected end, and said I wanted to repay the kindness I had been shown by opening my home over Christmas.

I thought on this for a long time before deciding to announce it in this fashion, and it was the right choice for my situation. I’m not standing. I’m moving on, and I’m not bitter. There was nothing about H in the post. It was partly about taking ownership of my truth, but more about my desire to share, connect, and be generous.

There was an outpouring of well wishes and commendations in response to the post. Both public and private. I ended up with so many RSVPs that I have been juggling multiple visits every day, in between spending time with my family. It’s been so great. My little INFJ personality is looking forward to some alone time to recharge, but honestly - who could complain about having too many friends?!

Additionally, I am still processing so much anger whenever I have a spare mental moment. Mainly when driving the car or trying to sleep. I find myself muttering or cursing under my breath non-stop, like a nervous tic. Imaginary conversations with H where I destroy him with my words. Sometimes I even fantasise about punching him in the throat next time he drops S1 off.

I’m trying to allow this happen as a natural step in the healing process. I have DnJ in my ear telling me to be compassionate and forgiving, etc. Well, I can’t get there yet. I’m not a violent or angry person by nature. I believe that anger is a normal and healthy response to being emotionally violated, that it helps propel us into action when we feel powerless, and that it will pass. It’s just a little bit much to handle sometimes. Like a pot boiling over.

The first six months after BD were filled with shock, bewilderment, heartsick grief, trauma. So much energy spent trying to understand why, and how to fix it. Then uncovering the affair - a mini BD. Once the second round of emotional responses passed, the anger surfaced. I am fixated on my situation and how I feel about it all, but spend almost zero time thinking about H himself. I think that is progress.

I know the only way out is through. So I am just dealing with it. I let it out through talking and writing. One of my plans for the new year is to create a yoga/mediation room for me and S1 in one of my spare rooms. I’m going to fill it with mats, cushions, plants, inspirational artwork. I might put a punching bag in there as well.

I have a friend arriving any minute, so I will sign off here to go prepare a cheese and Christmas cookie platter. Sending my best wishes for happy and peaceful holidays to you all.

[DnJ]

Hello scout

You are doing great.

You do not define yourself by H’s actions or words, nor the status of your marriage. You define you. Well done!

I support your choice to announce the unexpected end on FB and the open house was an excellent idea. I am proud of you. It was very good to see you didn’t include nor demonize H in the announcement.

I’m trying to allow this happen as a natural step in the healing process. I have DnJ in my ear telling me to be compassionate and forgiving, etc. Well, I can’t get there yet.

I know you know this - it takes time.

Achieving compassion and forgiveness is firstly so much for you. Secondly, those are not expected to happen quickly, they are long term goals. I do believe that once you find them, especially forgiveness, you will be astounded at when you actually started to feel and believe them. They require maintenance and upkeep, like anything, including faith. They becomes a way of life.

“Can’t get there yet” is exactly it. The journey is the power and force of this, not the destination.

I read your views and what you are doing. You are not a gal who sits in denial, you push back that clouding curtain and look to face whatever is there. Honestly scout, you cannot fail on your path. Keep your headings.

I know the only way out is through. So I am just dealing with it. I let it out through talking and writing. One of my plans for the new year is to create a yoga/mediation room for me and S1 in one of my spare rooms. I’m going to fill it with mats, cushions, plants, inspirational artwork. I might put a punching bag in there as well.

Throat punch that punching bag. Lol.

I am still processing so much anger whenever I have a spare mental moment. Mainly when driving the car or trying to sleep. I find myself muttering or cursing under my breath non-stop, like a nervous tic. Imaginary conversations with H where I destroy him with my words. Sometimes I even fantasise about punching him in the throat next time he drops S1 off.

Your throat punch comment caught me off guard. The imaginary conversations, the fantasied throat punch, are fine - shows a mind letting go, imaging and moving towards accepting. Do work the anger out, sweat it out. Yoga/mediation are good too. But a good old throat punch. (Sorry, but the mental image I have of H’s surprise while picking up S1 is humorous. Sorry, I’ll be good. <giggle>)

Yep, deal with it and let the anger pass. It will loose intensity and frequency, slipping away, as it becomes less and less reinforced.

I did have a wonderful Christmas and, as you pointed out, am fortunately removed from XW’s weirdness.

I am glad you are having a good Christmas and holiday time full of guests, friends, and family as well.

Stay strong girl. And yes - better not bitter.

DnJ

[DS9]

Hey scout

Good call on coming here to vent. It’s maddening sometimes when you want to do things to take out the frustration isn’t it. I’m taking a mental note though not to get on your wrong side lest I get a virtual throat punch lol!

Meditation room sounds fantastic. Maybe cleanse with sage smudging and grab some healing crystals too.

Cheers ds

[scout12]

Not to worry DS.

So, I just found out H's sister is pregnant. Due in April. This hit me pretty hard for a few reasons.

1) None of H's family thought to tell me when I talked to them multiple times this last month.
2) The new baby girl would have been my niece and now I won't have any relationship with her.
2) SIL had her first daughter a week before I had S1 and it's a reminder than H has taken my choice to have a second baby away from me. We had always planned on two children.

I know that I could technically have another child with another man. It's not what I want. I wanted a whole, complete, unbroken family. H has destroyed my immediate family and my extended family. He didn't spend Christmas Day with his family - MIL let that slip. Guessing he was with OW. Family may not be important to him, but it's everything to me. All this destruction and pain he has caused so many people just for the sake of a 21 year old girl?! This is not helping my emotional state.

Months ago, when I told H I could no longer participate in his family group chat, I explained that it was hard for me to see photos of Niece, and the fun family times they were having without me, and that it hurt me too much because I didn't feel like part of the family anymore. Can you understand that? I implored H, still caring so much at that point that he understood my motives were pure. He just stared at me with dead eyes and shrugged. "No". WTF.

I'm not angry. I'm just sad. I entrusted my deepest hopes and dreams to this weak and shallow person, and he threw them all away in his pursuit of so-called happiness. If anyone is reading tonight, I would love a word of encouragement.

[DS9]

I’m here for you scout to offer whatever encouragement I can.

You’re a fantastic mum and from what I read were a fantastic w to your h. You’re articulate driven and determined and have your stuff sorted. It wasn’t the 21 year old, you or anything other than whatever goes through his head.

You’ve got a fantastic circle of friends and family and are doing so well with your development and thought processes.

We’re all proud of how far you’ve come!

[job]

Scout,

I am so proud of you. You are doing great in moving forward and galling. You have handled your holidays w/grace and dignity. Get that punching bag and set up your room w/beautiful and peaceful art to help you w/meditation.

Now, about your h and not going to his parents for Christmas. He may have opted to stay in his little hole and not come out. Holidays can be difficult on those who are experiencing depression and MLCers have a difficult time being around family and friends who are happy and enjoying themselves during the holidays. It is very difficult for them to wear a mask of happiness all of the time. It takes a lot of work to do this. If he was w/the ow, you can bet he was thinking about his family, home and what everyone was doing. His past life is never far away from them and that's why they work so hard to put on that happy mask and do things for distraction.

Hang in there....you are doing great!